this will be a long post.
and, i’m not sure what i’m going to say, but i do know this.
…that writing has always been my “out”…to sort out the beautiful, the confusing, the challenging, and all the love in life…and to fold it into sweet little words to somehow create something bigger. something better.
and i write publicly because this beautiful blog forum has given me so much joy in more ways than one. our new generation can be overly public, yes. still not sure what i think of facebook, in fact. but, i have come to the realization that, at least in blogworld, it is entirely empowering to come together with other women and to dig deeper into what is real in life. i want to inspire and i want to be inspired. what all women want, i suppose. and what all women do. and i feel i have done both more with this blog…and that propels me forward in ways i didn’t know i was capable of. so, i am choosing to do this publicly this time. end of disclaimer. whew. okay.
what i’m about to write is very real. and raw. and i know so many women have gone through it. and it’s part of my story…to pass on to lainey and my family and friends. and telling it is leaping off a cliff…pulling my legs up into a perfect canonball…and splashing into cold blue waters below.
so catch me.
on march 9, after quite a bit of anticipating…i jumped around the kitchen sobbing and screaming holding a pregnancy test with two pink lines. two. after eleven and a half boxes of pregnancy tests over the previous months and all the imaginary second lines i had conjured up in my brain, i finally saw a real one. and it was beautiful…and exciting…and promising of an another amazing happiness i am already blessed to know so well.
i videotaped brett finding out. i called my sister, crying. i layed in bed that night dreaming of cute little ways to tell our friends and family. and that we did. revealing lainey’s little yellow t-shirt i tediosuly painted “soon-to-be-a-big-sister” on, followed by happy shrieks. and hugs. writing in a birthday card to brett’s dad that his present would be placed in his arms this november. and crying watching him smile.
late november…i always wanted a holiday baby, and this was gunna be just as dreamy as i imagined it to be, isn’t it?
even after the first ultrasound when we were told it’s okay…you’re just not measuring as far as you think you are…but there’s the little bean right there. …brett assured me everything was just fine. and so did everyone else. i was tired. and i loved being tired. coffee made me qeasy. and i loved that coffee made me queasy.
…but i think deep down, i knew.
this weekend, we lost our pregnancy.
and yes…warm tears spill as i write that.
…but strangely, i feel peace.
friday morning, i prayed not that God would save “the baby” because i knew what’s done is done, and if there was “no baby” to save, God would not suddenly create one. so i simply prayed for peace this weekend…and that we would get through this.
and i feel this amazing sense of accomplishment. like i have completed a strange but honorable rite of passage through a challenging door of womanhood & motherhood that not everyone has to go through. and i did it. and it’s okay.
i am strengthened by the fact that i am not the only one this has happened to…and this is very do-able compared to many other challenges in life. i am strengthened by the fact that it happened early, and i did not have to feel kicks and leaps and lose not only the dream of this baby but the unspeakable bond heightened with feeling them move within me. i am strengthened by the fact that i felt so completely loved this weekend and that every text you sent…every e-mail…every phone call…every hug…every thought and prayer…you were blanketing us with comfort.
and i am proud of myself. because i am not devastated. i am sad, yes. but i am happy for my blessings, the promising future of more babies…and the incredible weekend i had loving my life.
my neighbors and friends were complete Godsends…and i found myself dancing in my living room to madonna yesterday. yes, dancing. dancing like a crazy woman…and laughing until tears rolled down my cheeks. and it felt so good.
this is what women do. we have amazing bodies that create babies from microscopic cells. and when everything isn’t just right, our bodies take over and do what they know to do. i am marveled by my wonderful body. that it has the cognitive awareness to know that little bean wasn’t just right to grow…and the clockwork capabilities to take care of it…to heal my body and make it perfect again.
and yes, it sucks. it sucks standing in line at the grocery store holding a stayfree bag when a month earlier, i was in that same line holding the box of pregnancy tests that would turn all pink and make me cry. it sucks going in to lainey’s second year scrapbook and erasing all that stuff i wrote about her being a big sister this november. or folding up her big sister shirt and hoping it still fits when she can wear it again. it sucks to lose half your body weight in blood or to have to leave baby gap embarassingly pulling your shirt down behind you because you were stupid enough to wear white jeans when you’re having a miscarriage. it sucks…but it’s real. this is what women do.
but all that aside…we are doing so beautifully. and i’m searching for the devastation i thought i would feel but i can’t find it. sadness, yes. devastation, no. this weekend really has been amazing. perhaps because my senses are so much more enlightened. …i was so open for what the universe had to throw my way…and i was given love…that and life in its grandest form.
and if lainey doesn’t have therapy written all over her, i don’t know what does. my little cubby seemed to know what her mama needed this weekend…and, i swear, i’ve never seen her more cuddly, more loving or more at peace to just sit on my lap with her blanket…to sit and…just be. so, thank you, cubsy.
and i may not be holding a baby this christmas, but i hope to be a house carrying one.
and to any woman out there who has ever wanted a baby…whether your dreams came true or not. whether you wanted just one. or just one more…. there is something to be said about the animalistic primal need to love a little. to want one in your arms so bad, it hurts. it is so very real. …and even though i have one already, there is this instinctual love that already exists for this next one that i want to hold. that want and need to love and nurture…it’s real, you know.
i feel blessed today. and yes…kissing the universe, the stars, the planets and all the beautiful space between. because this? …this is what women do.
…enjoying the real life things. ~k
and dot…please pass on to jody…you both have been wonderful. love you and your office. only wish jody could deliver all my babies. xoxo