i can’t sleep. i’ve been awake for a good section of the night the last few nights, and somewhere in the still and blackness between two and four, i have alternated late ‘morning’ sickness with attempting to weave together the emotional strands nine months of pregnancy and life change brings. and no matter just how overwhelming everything is, i arrive like an ambitious runner the morning of a marathon, slightly intimidated but mostly aroused at the challenge of the race that lies ahead. i stretch and straighten the awkwardly pinned number tag that sets me apart from all the other runners on this race, ease into my starting stance and breathe in the courage and strength i’ll need.

i will support my husband. i will efficiently run a home. i will take time for myself. i will further my career. i will take new risks. i will be creative. i will write. i will be inspired and, in turn, inspire. and most importantly, i will nurture our family and consume the two little souls i’ve created with more love than their tiny hearts can handle. i will keep a good pace and run hard and good through the achy parts. because i can.

brett’s only been gone three days and although just a three hour plane ride away, it seems like he’s so far, and perhaps amplified by this out-of-bodyish hormonal emotional surge and anticipation for new life we’ve created together, i miss him and love him more than i ever have. it just seems that the ebb & flow of life and creativity and inspiration has all puddled and settled in low tide right now, and it feels a bit dry and hollow.

and yet i know that the tide is rising and in the distance i can see the waves of euphoric elation sailing in. at 37 weeks and 2 centimeters dilated, i am embracing what lies on the horizon and yet a little sad to slowly close the shop i have so enjoyed. i will miss looking down at the miraculous little globe that rests round and perfect in my middle, and that once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon of feeling movement of life inside will soon fade to a distant memory. i’ll miss reading american baby in the waiting room of my doctor’s office each week or laughing when lainey insists on peeing in a cup too and scribbling her ‘name’ on the outside. what i wanted to go by so quickly, i’m now realizing i don’t want to end. the miracle and beauty of carrying life…how i love to be pregnant.

my nurse, my friend…dot, i love you.

i picture her arrival and the moment i first touch her about a million times a day…the moment lainey is squeezed into our huddle and the boys walk in and smile and her tiny cries fill the room and i convulsively eject all of this pent up anticipation and love through tears and ‘i love yous’ and ‘happy birthdays’…it’s so close.

and in less emotional musings…

we headed up to gasparilla island new year’s eve to spend some time with mama’s dear friend, rebecca, who was visiting from indiana and lainey immediately fell in love.

her shyness is slowly slipping away as she quickly entrusts anyone she senses we love, and usually within a half hour, she is performing her charming laineyness…dancing, singing and not-so-subliminally vying for anyone’s attention. even if it does include pushing the start button on a hallmark dancing snowman for the eighty-ninth time and shaking her boot to an annoying rendition of jingle bells, inviting us to laugh at her every time. ‘ook, mama. ook,’ she says smiling as she dances. and you have to look every time. and you have to pretend like it’s the first time you’ve seen this move. and you have to insert some form of verbal praise and adoration for her cuteness…every time.

we returned from the island just in time for the last sunset of the year where we stood on the beach with family and quietly watched the sun drop with all of our 2009 happenings…and i thought about all the goodness the dawn of the next year would bring.

in new book-reading quirks, i’d like to inform she now licks pages before she turns them…

…and she insists they only be turned from the top right hand corner. oh, and she’ll make you go back and do it over again if you turn it from, god forbid, a hair closer to the middle, say.

(cat in lower left quadrant was daddy’s christmas present to her…but is likely to become quickly lost as a glance at its presence has since scared the crap out of me about a trillion times. and it cries. and rolls over. and licks its paws. and, i swear, crawls into our bedroom at night and watches us sleep. i don’t trust him.)

with daddy traveling more, a new sister on the brink, and a two-year-old infatuated with mail, we had the idea of getting her her own mailbox for her room. a smashing idea it was. she loves it. beams crazy smiles when she sweeps her hand down the cold metal of the inside to land on paper. an envelope. a card. a scribbled scrap of paper…it doesn’t matter.

she asks for tape after she gets her mail and adheres any and all cards all crooked-like on her wall. she loves getting mail so much, after three days of new correspondence and us forgetting the fourth, she swept the empty box and greedily proclaimed, i want mail. (hint-hint to any family member/friend who might want to drop her a line. or a used coupon. heck, a used band-aid for all she cares. smack it in an envelope with her name and send it and we’ll drop it in her box for some sure-fire satisfaction)

i’ve had many offerings of friends and family to take her for awhile so i can rest or get things done, but i can’t bear to part with her lately. with all the changes, i feel this indebtedness to be there for her a trillion percent and sense her awareness that things are a bit different. i can’t tell if she needs me or i need her more right now but our little symbiosis is working quite well with quiet days in the house together.

brett’s absence fuels me with so much responsibility to love her extra much…

…and while i would normally look forward to a good night of girlfriends or night on the town, even this weekend’s girls night in honor of my birthday has me a little saddened to be away from her…even just for a little bit. i will go, i will have fun, it will be good for me, and papa will take good care of her…but, for some reason, i feel like every second of our remaining mama & me time before our new little arrives is precious and valuable.

i trace the outline of her face with my hands every night before i fall asleep, memorizing all the babyishness left that i know will soon vanish, replaced by big sisterhood, and i whisper to her all about the night she was born and how it changed our life. you’re going to be the best big sister.

for now, we immerse ourselves back into the comfort of routine as much as possible as i figure out how we’re going to do it all. my mind is so preoccupied, on top of the already present a.d.d. tendencies, i find small tasks are difficult to concentrate on right now. like i sat down to edit a batch of pictures today and, after finishing two, i just sat and stared and found myself spraying the skinny straw of a can of keyboard cleaner so long between the ‘s‘ and ‘d‘ keys, the bottle got all cold in my palms and the ‘s‘ almost dislodged and blew off. we’ll figure it out. sometimes the shoes have to be broken into before the race or we need to stretch a little more than everyone else. maybe we start at a slower pace and gradually build up to our comfortable gait, but we’ll get there. we’ll run our marathon and triumphantly cross through the tight tape of the finish line. …even if we blow a hammy on the way.

…but through it all, we will love. and we will love good.


Leave a Comment
  1. please don’t “blow a hammy”. that made me laugh out loud. i’ll probably laugh whenever i think of it today. it’s something will ferrell or steve carrell would say in their movies.

    good luck on your race! just remember you dont have to win gold, you just have to finish. having 2 is well, its somethin’ else. :)

  2. love you. you do the mommy ‘thing’ so well and your new normal will be amazing and even better ’cause little baby will be here in days and hubby will be home and together with lainey you will get to know her and lovens on her!!!!

  3. i came up as jeff…i think jeff is stalking your blog!!!???

    xo heidi

  4. wow, jeff…you’re really sentimental…didn’t know you were so emotional. ‘lovens’? really? can’t. stop. laughing. even though i know it’s not you. i lovens you too, j.

  5. Oh, how exciting!! Makes me want another baby!! So excited for you and your family. Just trust yourself and your race will be amazing.

  6. Love the new header Kelle, that is an amazing photo. So good to “hear” from you, and know that you are hanging in there, and putting all things positive at the forefront, as is your usual style. You truly are inspirational. I know your year is gonna be great! With such an outlook, how could it not be?

  7. that mailbox idea is spectacular! and cute!
    can the girly-girls send her a letter? or most likely a scribbled upon picture from my cora …
    these last few weeks of pregnancy are causing me to spin through moments of sentimentality too. i spending a lot of time cuddling the girls and watching them sleep and sitting upon a rocking chair in the baby’s room.
    i’m gonna cry just thinking about it.
    must. finish. work. and preparations for a sub. whew. wish me luck.
    thinking of you.

  8. Enjoy your savor – that seems like the word for you during this time, soaking it in, just sort of dwelling in the moment. And this: ebb & flow of life and creativity and inspiration has all puddled and settled in low tide right now, and it feels a bit dry and hollow — I can’t even eke out a coherent sentence during my dry times and you’re writing this?? Both you and Carin are so good at writing about the now, how you feel right here in this moment. It’s like you’ve realized that even in describing the banal – maybe especially so – you’re really able to touch people with your words. nice :-) Stay slow. love you.

  9. so happy to see a new post! and your race, you’ll be amazing … even surprise yourself, i’m sure!

    love the b&w pictures of lainey! and the mailbox? i too love the idea! ella has a mailbox in her room, too (though not as cute as lainey’s. ella’s changes from time to time, something she makes up herself!)

    happy happy day, kelle …

  10. so much of this post rings true over here in Montana. So much.


    Margot licks her finger to turn the pages of a book. Just started this week.

    Bug dances daily and demands for me and everyone else within earshot to look.

    She’s never been shy but your description of charm and love with people so describes Margot Bea.

    And, of course of course, I can totally relate to those last few weeks or days of mama-of-one-ness. The anxiety and excitement. Not wanting one to end but knowing it must end for the next to begin. You’re gonna love it you little marathoner. xo

  11. lainey’s blunt bangs…I like.
    and dot…and how right under her picture it says you think about touching her for the first time…sorry…couldn’t help it. sisters…oh, the fun they will have. the scratches that will someday grace their faces and someday, maybe even their school pictures.

    so much to look forward to :)

    love you.

  12. Well there you are!!

    So happy you’re ready to run, and enjoying one-on-one days with Lainey.

    Best of luck my dear, CAN’T WAIT to “meet” little sister!!

    <3 nicole

  13. To have this time just with Lainey is even more special than I realized. She must know that the end is near. I find myself touching Baylee’s face a lot lately also because she is getting so big I too want to remember her little girl face.

  14. Ok, is it wrong of me that I’m a little antsy because now I’m thinking we’ll all have to wait until you guys get home and settled to get our first peek of little bean? And find out her name….my goodness, now I’m really getting anxious! Patience has never been a virtue a mine :o)

  15. i promise, as soon as we get home, i will at least unveil her pretty little face and her beautiful name asap. how’s that?

  16. Ah,perfect! :)

    I can barely wait to see all the crazy-beautiful, sister-lovin’, welcome-home, baby-snugglin’,mama and-her-girls-doing-thier-thing posts to come in the months ahead. Got me all giddy with the countdown, lol.

    Happy Friday!

  17. I LOVE LOVE LOVE your mailbox idea! My daughter is 2 and loves checking the mail with me! I am totally going to steal this idea from you :) Your blogs bring tears to my eyes all the time. You are an incredible Mama. Your girls are lucky to have you :)

  18. Cute baby. i love the stories you showed here. thanks. birkin bag

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