The End of Something Beautiful

I think I was twelve or thirteen the first time I took a ‘real’ trip to Chicago. Rode the train there, gasped as the tracks began to unveil the architecture of skyscrapers and cloudy blue sky and arrived moments later in Union Station, climbing off the Amtrak with hammy-down duffle bags for a weekend that would later seal the fate of my love affair with that city. From that day on, and for all the many times I’ve stayed there, my last night in the city is always spent the same way. I wait until everyone else has gone to sleep and it is dark and quiet. I grab a beer, a pen and something to write on, and I perch myself atop the air conditioning unit of some hotel room way up high, curtain wide open, lights off…drinking in my last view of the city I love. I’ve spent both wintery nights in that city spot, breathing foggy air against a frosty window as well as warm summer nights when the city seems a bit more alive. Either way, I write whatever comes to mind, but mostly I just scan the incredible view of buildings and lights, cars and sights and the beauty it all becomes when you’re looking at it a couple beers in from the fifteenth floor of a hotel room the night before you will leave.

I may not be a world traveler, but I imagine many jet-setters perform similar rituals their last evening in a beautiful place.

Which has me thinking…

The time is coming for my long stay in this very beautiful place to be over. And, although my farewell bids hello to an even more beautiful path, I cannot help but be a bit saddened as I sit here, perched up high (but totally beerless), overlooking the beauty these last nine months have brought.

Pregnancy is absolutley amazing. Regardless of what the odds may bring us–spending mornings hunched over the cold porcelain of a toilet, frequent doctor appointments for potential scares, or the rare nine-month breeze of radiant skin, limitless energy and no complaints, it is a very small stretch in a woman’s life when we experience the miracle of sharing our bodies and nurturing the growth of two tiny cells that miraculously grow and divide and become this amazing being, full of all of our genetics and this tiny soul that changes us for life.

Lainey’s pregnancy was entirely perfect despite some sickness, and I never thought to question anything other than what I expected…a perfect pregnancy. This one has been a little different–not much–but a little, and perhaps it is those little scary moments that have brought me to this raw place of extreme awareness and gratitude for the amazing ability our bodies have to create and sustain life. And besides the whole emotional phenomenon of loving something we’ve never laid eyes on, there is the amazing physical part of it I love too.

I love the metamorphosis of change my body has been through to nurture this baby…the way things have stretched and moved to make room and the way this little ball of perfection has suddenly dropped to prepare for its entrance into a new world.

And it’s been this incredibly bonding experience to never have been alone the past nine months. Me & her. In the car, in the shower, in the dark of the night when I can’t sleep. We’ve shared the same skin and my very capable, amazing body has provided her every nutrient and every breath needed to stay alive…to grow…to become who she is.

heidi & i escaped for an afternoon cup of coffee the other day at a new found treasure downtown…and she took these lovely pictures…thank you, h!

We will meet her so very soon, and now having known just how beautiful it is to bring forth life and love it so very much…well, I can hardly sleep.

But I’ll still miss the seat her little body provides to her big sister when she stretches her long legs perfectly around our ‘shelf.’

Yes, pregancy is amazing, and in these last days, I am enjoying every moment of it. Drinking in the way she moves and kicks and stretches to find a bit of room in her cramped little residence, and knowing it will soon be a distant memory. So here I am, perched up high, late at night drinking in the beauty of this place.

Meanwhile, I finished another blanket for Lainey as she loved the baby one so much, I couldn’t bear for both my girls not to have something I made for them.

…and, behold. She can finally rock out some teeny, tiny braids.

Not sure when we will write again…tying up all the loose ends so when she arrives, we can really rest and be home and drink it all in. I’ve been working in the morning, cleaning like mad in the afternoons, and escaping when possible for a swing in the park or a cold wagon ride outside. And Daddy returns this weekend.

…so we wait, excitedly.


Leave a Comment
  1. thank you! all of your posts about the beauty of pregnancy helps me stay in the moment with mine. it’s been so different the second time around and i need to remember to revel in how tremendous and amazing it really is.

    good luck with all that awaits you!

  2. You have showcased the beauty of impending life so well…soon, this little one will be in your arms, on your hip, in your back seat…she will never be easier to carry than she has these nine months. I can’t wait to meet her and am excited it looks as though I will be there to see her…fresh! Enjoy these last days of expectancy!

  3. a new post … yay!! i have yet to read it, rushing off to work. but i had to comment, just in case it’s baby day! i wish you the best of the best, kelle. you will be amazing …

  4. my thoughts exactly. i’m always like “i love being pregnant” for all the reasons you’ve mentioned, and most people are like ,”what?!? that’s crazy!” few people really get it. it is absolutely amazing and i love it and it always saddens me the first night after i give birth that my womb is empty. my arms are full but my womb is empty and cold,alone, still and silent and i can’t help but feel a little bit lonely….and it makes me get excited for it to happen all over again. good luck with everything! hope all goes well!

  5. i want to cry, but no, that’s weird…

    these last months while you have been ‘growing a baby’ have been magical. it has to end, but then the great stuff begins. loving you and that little baby and can not wait until i see all of you together as a family!

    …oh, the pictures. can’t wait!

  6. Waiting anxiously to hear….I know you will have a beautiful birth.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Wow – and I should be able to meet her in person!!!! Will be in Naples afternoon of the 23rd and you know where I am staying!!!!

  8. that first chicago trip was so fun, we had us some good times. :) although i’ll be honest and was confused at first thinking you were either in chicago or moving there. lol.

    i love being pregnant too. if my body werent so bad at the giving birth part (2-c sections) i think i’d sign up to be a surrogate.

    i love your pregnancy pics – great job heidi!

    oh and yay for sock mittens, thanks for reminding lainey of her MI roots, where in the winter we wear socks on our hands. lol.

    happy waiting! xoxo!

  9. it is a bit bittersweet … this end of the pregnancy. where i feel overwhelmed and ready to be done. but at the same time i’ve loved being pregnant. especially with my grand finale. i know i won’t ever have this again.
    thinking of you as you prepare for a new baby!
    can’t wait to see her.

  10. it’s lunchtime. so i’m back and have now read your post! love it. a writer you are!!

  11. Kelle, I can’t wait to hear the birth story, and see the pics of your beautiful little girl. You are going to be amazing. I too loved being pregnant, and felt the same way going from one to two – but I could have never put it into words as you have. You have a special gift.

  12. Anonymous says:

    …it is bittersweet but there is so much awaiting for you all in the years ahead. I get caught up in the moments as I read your blog, you have such talent with your pictures and your writing. I look forward to each and every new post as they are always so-o satisfying and inspirational.

    Take care and enjoy these last few days. You are beautiful inside and out and those two little girls of yours are very, very lucky to have such an amazing woman as their mommy!

  13. beautifully said. best of luck with your new baby :)

  14. Best wishes – I am anxiously awaiting her NAME! I hope that when she arrives, even if you don’t have a chance for a full post, you will post her arrival and name?? Best wishes for an easy delivery! -Marissa

  15. You have never looked more beautiful! I can’t wait to see your two girls together.

  16. Heidi- the photography…all i can say is WOW! Oh-So beautiful

    And Kelle,
    You look like an ad for high-end maternity clothes, lol!! Check you out!!

    And the sap–must keep commenting as if it’s the last before the big day…it’s been wonderful to be along for the ride awaiting little miss bean’s arrival…as papa said, you have painted the picture of the beauty of pregnancy like no other. Sending much love, and wishes for the most fabulous and joyous of days. Do your thang mama!!


  17. Good luck, I have enjoyed following your blog and reading about your pregnancy, and I am sure we’re all looking forward to more updates whenever you’re ready to return.
    Best of luck with it all!
    And beautiful photos, as usual!

  18. We wait excitedly! So is a magic and unique place: pregnancy. You wear it and mamahood very well. I can’t to meet your new little g (LOVE the name). sending you, Lainey, Brett, Austyn and Dillon a big ole Montana hug.

  19. Thanks for all the comments and well wishes…still feeling good and unproductive.
    Will post pics and name and all that good stuff asap.

    Dig…Lol. You mean Brandyn. But Dillon’s a nice name too. xoxo

  20. I love this post! I love how you drink it all in, setting aside the moment to just feel it. I do that every Christmas Eve after all have gone to sleep. Here’s a magical moment to be prepared for – although how you can prepare is beyond me….but I want to encourage you. There will be this moment, sometime after all have gone to sleep, in the days following her birth, where you will look at Lainey sleeping – and she will seem so big, and so different, and it will feel as though you’ve lost her somehow, and you will even think to yourself, unbelievable as it seems, “what have I done in bringing home this beautiful new stranger to change everything for my baby?” It sounds weird, but it’s just a feeling that comes. I want to tell you that Lainey’s life WILL be different upon the arrival of her baby sister, but and there WILL be some things lost. But the things lost are like baby teeth – necessary to become a whole person. And she will not lose anything that she needs in order to continue growing beautifully, and you will not lose anything that isn’t necessary to lose in order to move into the next most beautiful phase ever of her life. Oh I hope that makes sense. I just know that when that feeling of loss comes, you will embrace it with tears and fullness and sadness and happiness all at the same time. It is one of those beautiful growing things that makes your life richer and stronger and fuller. And it is momentary. I so look forward to watching and listening as you go into this new phase of motherhood – beauty and pain, but mostly new, big beautiful beauty that you are going to LOVE. I can’t wait. I can’t wait. I can’t wait! It’s a fantastic journey, huh? Love you!! (can you say “beauty 37 times in one comment? haha)

  21. GREAT comment, Kulio! Sooooo true …

  22. Hi Kelle! Sending love and plenty of positive energy in your direction. You must be so close now! Look forward to discovering baby girl’s name! Take care. Sx

  23. OK just clicking through to read about a year ago. I so remember this post. Talking to you on this day. We hadn’t met yet…Nella was in you and you had no idea how she’d change your world, the world. Also, wtf I called Brandyn ‘Dillon’? Ruby was like four weeks old so I it’s fair to assume I was really tired. xo

  24. Taking a trip back in time…been reading some of your earlier posts…can you believe some of these only had 10 comments!

    xoxo, Bug & Ruby’s Gram

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