Two years ago, we started seeing a family therapist to provide some test anxiety support. I quickly discovered how much I love having a therapist in our routine and how it benefits our entire family, so we continued our visits–sometimes spaced out quite a bit if we’re busy and comfortable, and sometimes arranged a little more frequently if it feels necessary to make some designated space for talking about our feelings. Our therapist’s office is roomy and cozy and has lots of toys, and with our busy schedule and responsibilities, sometimes sessions for us look like Dash and Nella playing with the doll house in the corner while Lainey and I sit on the couch (I’ve found having Nella and Dash there lightens things up and makes everyone more relaxed and open). We go less to address problems and more to make space for talking, and everything we take away is applicable to any of us and helpful for our entire family. Mostly, I do it because I recognize that my kids aren’t all outgoing and talkative like me, and when I talk about deep, emotional important things because I love talking about deep, emotional, important things, sometimes it can make an introvert shut down. Therapy for us is creating important space, another avenue for vital communication and connection as our kids grow up and deal with stresses and discovering who they are. Lately, it’s been a parenting refresher course, reminding me of all the things I know but sometimes forget. Our therapist is so skilled, insightful and loving in everything she shares, I’ve actually wiped tears listening to her talk, amazed at how she had the exact thing we needed to hear. I have taken away so many nuggets of parenting truth from these sessions, I thought today I’d share my five favorite ones.
Nothing is good because other people say it’s good.
I mean, I know this is something I need to teach and model for my kids–it’s a truth that’s changed my own recognition of my worth and willingness to pursue creative work–but it’s funny how my reactions in parenting situations don’t always mirror what I know to be true. Case in point: We were talking in therapy recently about a poem Lainey had written and showed me but didn’t think my “It’s beautiful–I love the creative personification you used here” represented a true 5-star review.
“You don’t like it, do you?” she said.
“So how did you answer?” our therapist asked me. I started laughing because I immediately recognized that what I said next suggested that the more people who think her work is good is what makes it good–and that’s okay because parents impulsively react all the time, and that doesn’t mean we are doing it “wrong.”
“I so badly wanted her to see how good it was, so I started naming all the people who were going to love it, calling Brett in to read it and tell her it was good, telling her she should show Poppa–he’s going to love it too.” I built up a case that maybe if we got enough people to give 5-star reviews, suddenly she’d believe her poem was good.
Our lovely therapist smiled and assured me that’s a completely normal reaction but suggested the following: “Maybe next time, put the reaction to the poem back on her. Ask her, “Do you love the poem? Because that’s all that matters. What did it feel like to write it? What do you love about it? And if she doesn’t like it, you can deal with that too–asking her why she doesn’t and making it better so she does love it.”
And of course I knew this deep in my bones, but that’s what I love about therapy. It’s such an open, forgiving, accepting place that brings all the reminders to the surface and sharpens what we know but forget to put in practice. Because of this little lesson, I’m much more aware of bringing satisfaction of my kids’ work back to their own feelings about creating it.
Shy people play powerful roles in our world, and their personalities are needed and important.
It was a simple lesson to kill comparison to all the kids with big outgoing personalities making very visible contributions at school.
“Can I tell you something?” our therapist said. “I have clients that come in my office who are very outgoing. They’re successful and funny and have no problem taking a stage or talking to groups, and everyone laughs at everything they say. But do you know what? So many of those people come in my office and sit on my couch and cry and tell me about problems in their life because they are lacking some of the amazing qualities of shy people. They want to be more like you. Do you know what shy people are good at? They see things other people don’t see. They’re observant, and they listen, and they’re okay with sitting back and quietly doing work. That’s such an amazing quality to have, and a lot of people could learn from it.”
This one conversation ignited a passion in me–to celebrate the beauty of quiet observant listening. It’s not something to work to grow out of. It is something to own and be proud of.
Don’t trap your kids for serious conversations.
This is especially great for the little introverts. I know as a kid, nothing made me want to shut down more than, “Come sit down, we’re going to talk about something important.” Having face-to-face sit-downs to talk about things that are uncomfortable can feel especially intimidating and stifling for some kids and can shut them down for future communication. Stealthily slipping these conversations in while you’re on a bike ride together or out moving in nature can help them feel more light-hearted and give kids something to do while you’re talking, creating more freedom for them to open up. Another great tip our therapist gave us: let your child know that you’re setting the timer for five minutes when you do need one of those full-attention serious conversations. It creates an “out” and keeps you from getting locked in to an endless orbit over an issue that you need to move on from (parents can do this sometimes).
When your child is looking to you to fix something, it’s okay to create some space and take a break before you help.
As parents, we are often our kids’ one “person”–their safe place to bring all their fears, release their frustrations, get mad, demand help, cry, and look for solutions. That puts a lot of pressure on us, and unfortunately our mom hours of business are 24-7, no holidays, no weekends. When our kids are upset, it can heighten our own anxiety. So when there’s a crisis or a concern–even tears–and I feel myself taking on some of that heated energy and too anxious or upset to deal with the situation appropriately, here’s the therapy suggested response: Look at her, grab her hand, and say, “Listen. Everything’s going to be okay, alright? But I just need a short time-out before we deal with this. I’m going to go make a little space to regroup so I can be calm and really listen, and then we’ll talk about it. But I want you to know that everything’s going to be okay.” Those “everything’s going to be okay” bookends are powerful.
“The Sun Will Rise Again”
This has become the theme we return to in therapy, a mantra that started with our first appointment and has been incorporated in our home and conversations daily. We even made a poster for it in therapy, writing all the constant things in our life on the sun’s rays and the words “The Sun Will Rise Again” right in the middle of the sun. This mantra works for every problem, every anxiety, every situation–the assurance that no matter what happens, even if that thing you fear comes true--the sun will rise again. The world will not end, the people who love you will always love you, and if you fall, you will get up again. It’s been proven in our lives time and time again, so its validity is data-based. I love the way our therapist will humorously remind us of this in the most child-friendly way, bringing up times that Lainey “fell” or “failed” and asking questions about that time–“So, when you fell, were you still lying there two weeks later and people had to bring you food because you couldn’t get up, and everyone was like, “Did you see Lainey? She fell two weeks ago, and she just never got up. She’s still lying there.” This always makes Lainey laugh. And that laugh paves the way for worries to melt away.
Does anyone else have good parenting lessons or tips they’ve been reminded of in therapy? We go about once a month now, and while it’s not always convenient or “fun,” we always leave feeling more connected, strong and on course where we should be. With every appointment, I leave feeling like I just finished an inspiring parenting book.
*Note: While our therapy sessions are more of a family effort to create a space for good communication, right now Lainey is really the only child old enough to benefit from the things we’re talking about (although the littler ones beg to go because they love the office). The little part of her story in this post is shared with her permission.
Lisa Cottom says
Wow Kelle,
Your sharing this speaks volumes to my therapy supported soul! The parenting nuggets are golden even with my 15 and 18 year old daughters. Great reminders of how to be my best for them!
Keep blogging the good stuff-I love it!
❤️
crystal says
This was the post I needed to read today to recharge my mommy brain. Thanks for sharing these nuggets of wisdom!
Elizabeth says
Thank you for normalizing therapy and celebrating the benefits! We ALL can benefit from it. And I appreciate so much how you see Lainey’s needs, gently work with her and create whole family conversation around the growth that is happening. All kids have exceptional needs of one variety or another and this is a beautiful post about how to be sensitive with some of those needs.
Roxana says
Thank you and Lainey for sharing something so personal.
TERESA says
We have been to therapy for 2 separate issues with my now 11 year old and both times have been amazing for her but also for all of us. The first time was after her father and my divorce. It was so so hard but it was needed. It taught us that kids have big feelings, loss, anger, sadness even joy sometimes and that they don’t always know what to do with them. It’s not our job, as adults to fix those feelings, to make them go away or stop them. That is unrealistic and not very productive. It’s our job to help them deal with those feelings. To listen to them and acknowledge them and to help them find was to cope with them so they are not overwhelming. It was a very powerful message that I still use almost every day. The second time we went to therapy was when my daughter lost 2 beloved grandparents in 2 months. We went to bereavement counselling and this was one of the best things we ever did for her. Grief and loss is so all consuming and having someone help and guide and comfort and redirect during this devastating time for our family was so helpful.
Jillian Hady says
This is wonderful! THANK YOU!!!
Jennifer says
First, introverts rock. If you haven’t read it yet, I highly recommend the book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts”. The world needs both extroverts and introverts. An early example given in the book is two heroes of the civil rights movement – Rosa Park, a classic introvert, whose quiet strength and resolve started so much and MLK, a classic extrovert who could give the rousing speeches to move people to action.
One important thing I learned in therapy is to embrace my children for who they are – they are a gift that is unwrapping every day. Have ZERO expection that they will do this like me, like this like me, etc. Maybe they will? But maybe they won’t? And the last thing on earth is wanting your children to think their mother thinks who they are is wrong or less than because they think/love/do things differently than you. Their personality type is completely valid – embrace it for all it is!!
Danielle says
I love this! I had this ideal of who my son was supposed to be when I was pregnant with him, and he is the exact opposite of everything I imagined. I pushed back until I realized that I was only hurting him for not accepting him for who he really is. I was casting my fears from my childhood on him and it was hindering his growth. Once I let go of MY expectations, he’s blossomed. He is who HE is, not who I want him to be. We are all different, right?! That’s what makes this world a beautiful place.
Carole says
I agree 100%. My only child, a 16 year old son, is nothing like me and I struggle sometimes to remember that he is his own person. I have to stop and let him have feelings and opinions that I don’t and to let him know it’s okay.
Lynnai says
I always appreciate the little reminders! When my 8 year old came out of his last appointment (behavioral therapist) he told me he learned “Faster is not always better” I told him I definitely needed the same reminder for so many aspects of life. Just a few words have reminded me daily to slow down.
Analisa says
Thanks for sharing, Kelle! While I am not a mother yet, as a huge extrovert who also loves sharing feelings and thoughts I often panic with “HOW WILL I DEAL WITH AN INTROVERTED CHILD SOME DAY!?!” This gave me some wonderful perspective and sense of clarity. Thank you!
AshleIgh says
As an extroverted mom to an introverted daughter this was great. I feel so helpless and inadequate to raise her but I just need to focus more on her strengths to guide me in being her mom.
keri says
I am in the same situation. For a few years, I kept wondering “what’s wrong with me?” (or What’s wrong w/her?). Then one day, a friend said “There’s nothing wrong, she’s introverted and you are extroverted. It was life changing b/c I started to really see my daughter vs what I thought she should be (or rather expected her to be b/c I was assuming she would be “like me”)
Suzy says
Love this post. I have found that my introverted 9 year-old daughter and I have the best, deepest, most probing conversations lying in her bed in the dark just before she goes to sleep. Frankly, I think part of the reason is that she sees it as a way to stall bedtime. But I also think that it’s easier sometimes to talk in the dark, while you’re cozy and lying in your mom’s arms at the end of a long day. What I’ve done (and she hasn’t picked up on this!) is that I have kept her bedtime to an earlier time than I ordinarily would so that when we end up talking for 20 minutes, she’s still going to bed at a decent time. I also have a “no silliness” rule when we talk in the dark, because silliness (a) gets her hyper and not in sleepy-time-mode and (b) distracts from her talking to me about real things. We have plenty of silliness all throughout the day, just not those last 20 minutes of the night.
Kelle says
This line you said is powerful: “it’s easier sometimes to talk in the dark.” So insightful. Love this!
Anniken says
I’m a introvert and I love talking in the dark. My husband is not really a fan of this but I love to talk about important things in bed in the dark. It’s just like my brain is calm and I have time to think and reflect better om things than during the day. Its so relaxing going to sleep afterwards even if it only was a 5 min talk.
Carrie says
I do the same thing and it drives my husband BATTY!
MELISSA says
I started laying with my kids before bed in the dark and it has been so bonding for us. They each get time alone with me, my son just likes to lay and twirl my hair, my daughter loves to talk and talk. It give us a chance to bond and fill our buckets at the end of a long work/school day. My daughter and I do ‘tub talk’, same idea, just while she is in her bubble bath. She walks me through her day from when I get her on the bus to what happened at school that day. I learn so much about her, her school day, and highs and lows that I had never gotten from her at the dinner table talks.
Sarah says
My 11 year son was having anxiety (about life, nothing particular!) so very bad it was making him physically sick. I didn’t know what to do for him, and it was hard to watch. Hard to calm him down, ease his fears. We went to his pediatrician first since he was convinced there was something physically wrong with him. He was perfectly healthy. So we started going to a therapist. One thing I love that she has given us is a “tool box”. She has taught him different “tools” to put in his box. Whether it be breathing exercises, meditation, or tapping (there are great videos on tapping BTW) he has things to help himself cope with an anxiety attack.
Michele at Everyday Snapshot says
The love that, The Sun Will Rise Again. I liked the section on shy people. When I was a kid, I was a shy kid. As an adult…um, not so shy. But my kid is very shy. VERY. Sometimes to the point, she appears rude to people. When she talks in front of people, she’ll have uneven breathing. I’ve been told – “you need to make her talk”, “force her to not be shy”, but went for the other advice I heard as well “being shy is part of her, let her be her and stop apologizing to people for her shyness, it makes her feel like something is wrong with her”. Thank you for sharing, it was good for me to hear something supportive of shyness. Reminds me there’s nothing to change. She’s perfectly who she should be.
Lisa says
nothing used to upset me more than adults that would try to force my extremely introverted daughter into an exchange with them. She was preschool aged when it was the worst! Now she’s almost 13 and has gradually learned on her own how to interact with adults. She is still very quiet, but it can’t be forced!
Kelle says
Same. I had to step in several times and say, “She speaks with her eyes. Her eyes are saying thank you.” I tried not to add “Her eyes are also saying ‘stop talking to me.’l
Jenny Vogel says
I love this. “She speaks with her eyes”.
I’ve struggled with how to stick up for my child in these situations with adults.
My oldest daughter is extremely extroverted and the contrast with her younger sister is striking. I cannot stand how adults expect my youngest to be just like her big sis. It is unfair and hurtful and breaks my heart every time it happens.
I will 100% be using this line. Thank you for sharing Kelle❤️
Sharon Schierle says
These are excellent points that I need to be reminded of often, even though my kids have grown and flown.
Kelle, have you ever done book reviews on shy/introverted kids? I’d love your thoughts on:
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking
Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids
I’m an extrovert and the first book is my “holy grail” to understanding my introverted first born. I reference it time and time again. The second book came out after mine were grown but I plan to read it to better understand my future grandkids!
Thanks for the great blog post!
Sarah says
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you.
Anna says
Thank you ❤️ Mental health is as important as any other healthy practice!! Great tips, too!
stephany says
thank you for sharing these gems. while my husband and i have gone to therapy together and separately, we have never gone to family therapy. however, i use a lot of my time in my personal sessions to talk about my aprenting and how i can help my children. i also talk to them about what i am learning when i go talk to “lisa”so that they are comfortable with the thought of therapy. talk therapy has been so, so good to me…and, i love getting an unbiased view of how i am parenting and how i can improve, or be content (even proud) of my own parenting.again, thanks for sharing your story!
Maggie says
This was such a good read for me! One of the most ground-breaking statements that I have heard in our world, with our little perfectionist, is this: “When your child is one who must have her needs met in a certain way, you aren’t going to be able to do things “right” in her eyes. It will be healthier, and more important, to instead teach her to thrive in the imperfect.” ❤️
Megan says
This was so good to read. My 9 year old see’s a therapist for Anxiety but I don’t sit in. Maybe I should ask to, from time to time. Same scenario here.. I’ma extrovert and he’s an introvert. Alot of lessons are being learned through this journey. Thanks for sharing!
Kelle says
We’ve done both–her alone and me sitting in. Then we did something where I sit in first 10 minutes, let her be alone and then come in for the last 10 minutes to hear what they talked about. But then we started doing it together, and it just feels like that works best. Sometimes I just sit in the corner and play with the little kids while they talk–they know I can hear, and I pipe up here and there. I love this best. I get to soak up all the knowledge, I get to be a part of it when I want to be, it’s super light-hearted and comfortable with us all in there, and yet there’s space where she’s getting one-on-one love from our therapist. So many different scenarios you can try and see what seems to create the most safe environment.
Kristibe says
My absolute favorite thing our therapist said to me was “Focus on the positive”. I live MY life that way but was not always addressing those positives with my kids. I KNOW better but just was not doing it. Once I started having them tell me one great thing that happened to them during the day, the negatives kind of took a backseat.
Jacquie says
May I recommend the book The Highly Sensitive Person if you haven’t read it. I am one, and I wish I read this when I was much younger.
Erika says
I love this post so much, it really warmed my heart. I am an introvert with an extrovert mom, and wish my mother had these insights when I grew up, to better understand me. I also have 2 younger siblings that are extroverted and only recently began to understand that the reason I don’t have thát many friends or so much of an social life, is actually because I prefer it that way and NOT because there is something wrong with me, boy could I have savef myself some selfbattering if only I understood that sooner.
Thank you so much for all that you share, been loving reading your blog for a few years now – all the way from South Africa!
Anonymous says
I have the opposite situation. I’m an extreme introvert (says my psychologist) and my 14yo daughter is a loud and proud extrovert. We are very open about our unique strengths, so she has learned to give me space or take over the interacting role when we’ve had a very socially draining morning, and I’ve learned to recognise when she needs her friends over to balance out the quietness of our home. I have also started playing classical music in the car, and suddenly because there are no lyrics to sing along to, we are having the most incredible conversations. My 10yo daughter with Aspergers is another dynamic entirely… Home is where we first learn to embrace others as they are, not how we think they should be, I guess. Great post Kelle.
Kelle says
I love the classical music in the car idea. LOVE this. There is a lot of power in that music…does something to the emotions and so calming.
Tiana says
I think it’s amazing how much effort you put into trying to understand your children. My first reaction was “oh no she blogged about this , is that okay” and then I felt when I read the blog …that it’s so great she s blogging about this , we have regular wellness visits for physical check for kids but we have so much stigma against wellness visits for mental health. This is such a great way to have children and parents deal with big emotions and learn to deal, especially in times when loneliness , anxiety , depression etc are becoming major issues , learn to destigmatize therapy so we can grow up with a better handle of.emotions and self esteem sounds great … I know Kate Middleton also talked about seeking therapy for her children if/as needed.
heather henricks says
Thank you for sharing your therapy experiences. These tips are practical and true! I find that with my teenagers (4 of them!) your advice about not trapping them into Conversations is so key. When you talk about things in organic ways, their responses are better and peace in our relationship is savored. You’re such a WONDERFUL mom!!
Anne B says
I love “Shy people play powerful roles in our world, and their personalities are needed and important.” My son is very shy, but extremely smart and observant. I told his pediatrician that I was worried that he was so quiet at school and his response was perfect. He said “Honestly, I think the world could use more Hudson’s.” I love him!!! It really changed my perspective and I don’t want him to be the loud, popular kid who is always getting in trouble. Thanks for the great post!
Corinne Trask says
Kelle there is a Ted Talk – The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain that you would enjoy watching.
https://www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts
Love from Canada
Micah | Home faith family says
As an introvert, I completely relate and agree to everything you said. I received some advice many years ago that’s always helped me stay focused during difficult days. I was told to never let a problem become more important than the person you need to love. As you said, the sun will rise again and everything does have a way of working out. However, the people we take with us on our journey and in our transformations need us more than we realize, just as we need them.
J. LaMontagne says
I wish I had done this with my kids. They both turned out to be great adults and never gave us any problems, but it would have been a lot less stressful if we had gone to counseling. My daughter also had severe test anxiety. There are many things I have learned from you that I am hoping to teach my grandchildren one day. Love your sweet family.
Anna says
good
Jessica says
I absolutely adore your blog posts! They’re so inspirational! I love what you do, and the things you post is exactly the kind of things I’m interested in.
Kaylene PAcker says
Kelle!
This is exactly where my focus has been lately… Minus the therapy. (Which I am going to TOTALLY incorporate as my littles get older) We are totally on the same page! I love that everything you said, is everything I have been trying to focus on as a parent to my littles… We are all doing our best as parents, because we want what is best for our children. With that said, It’s FREAKING hard! I find myself trying to constantly remember how to handle these crazy parenting moments that come daily… I struggle with my son’s energy, that is out of this world and never calms… He is just like me! A total fireball. SO determined, strong willed, busy, competitive, feisty, LOUD, passionate, swift, independent, and bit aggressive… We totally clash! We are too much alike… You think this would help, that I would understand him and be able to help better… but most of the time, it’s a real struggle! But, it is SO nice to have the simple reminders, that are easy to understand… “The sun will rise again.” I LOVE THAT! So important to remember! We are not perfect! We are all trying to do our best! AND NEVER GIVE UP!
I just finished a book called “The Child Whisperer” and NO LIE… EVERY PARENT SHOULD READ IT! It was such a big growing and learning experience for me! I learned so much about myself, my kids, my spouse, my family, and my friends. It’s more about the energy we come here into this world with. Mind blown! WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT ENERGY TYPES! I have always said, “It’s good to be different.” But, this taught me how we are all different in simplest terms that I totally understood! It is my new bible! I am constantly referring back to it! (Sorry about the tangent!) I totally think you should read it! It is by a lady named Carol Tuttle! She is an energy healer! I feel like she gave me all the secrets to life! I believe that it is one of the most benefiting/healing books a person/parent could read!
Being a parent is the toughest job… But, it is so important to never give up. (I write that more for myself…) Our kids are a gift and they force us as parents to grow and become better people! I can honestly say that since I have had my two kids, I have changed for the better! I am learning everyday how to be less selfish, more thoughtful, and more grateful. I am learning to love myself because of them! I kinda feel like the Grinch who’s heart has grown two sizes bigger… This life is a tough lesson, but that’s why we are here… to learn!
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your parenting moments on a real level that I can totally relate to! You are and will always be someone I look up to! I totally respect you and love you!
Renee w says
Thank you for sharing. This is an amazing post. Not only will it help me grow as a parent, it will help me grow as a person. I am a shy person myself and often think I need to work to be more outgoing. Your insight into shy people having a place in this world opened my eyes. Thank you !!
click here says
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your parenting moments on a real level that I can totally relate to! You are and will always be someone I look up to! I totally respect you and love you!