Whatever You Do, Don’t Read This

October 14, 2014 By Kelle

I’d like to officially thank my sister for sending out a family text this week that said, simply, “Whatever you do, don’t read this” and a link to an article that has plagued my every thought since. Because I believe in passing on horrible thoughts to make others bear my horrible thought burdens, therefore lessening their effect on myself (hey, my sister did it first), let me share it with you.

A family had to leave their house–as in abandon where they live permanently–because it was infested with brown recluse spiders. And by “infested,” we’re not talking a bunch. We’re talking 6,000–or, as one journalist chose to put it (I’ll thank him later), “the spiders were bleeding out of the walls.” Because true journalism demands good details, this article decided to include the important fact that the spiders’ “exoskeletons were falling from the can lights”–a phrase that, frankly, makes me angry at the person who wrote it. Why do I have multiple links to different articles about an event I’m pissed I know about in the first place? Because the infestation has consumed me, and I Googled other sources, thank you.

Text, five minutes ago, to my sister: “I think about the spider infestation once an hour. At least.”

Text back: “I was thinking about it when you sent this.”

Here’s the thing. Those clicky taglines that lurk outside my inbox and do their little “click me” fancy dance when I’m trying to Google “ways to deck out your house for Halloween”? Well sometimes I click on them. Because I am a sucker. Here’s another thing: Nothing good ever comes from clicking on shock value stories and pictures. Not the giant shark who’s eating a boat (it’s a hoax and an insurance commercial), not the wrinkly old lady whose “after” picture makes her look like Giselle Bundchen, not the “Spiders Bleeding Out of Walls Force Family from Missouri Home.”

Opening my e-mail has now become an exercise in self discipline. It’s like walking into a room full of naked people and trying not to look at anyone’s business. Easier said than done. I have to click “Inbox” really quick before my eyes dart over to Jumbo Squid Attacks Greenpeace Submarine. Or worse–a funny baby video that went viral. I’ll fold. Which is exactly what I did with the dancing boy who stole the reporter’s spotlight and, for the record, that was totally worth it. I now have a new tool to kill insecurities: I just imagine myself as Lady Gaga, and no one can destroy me. That kid is brilliant.

All this to say, social media analysts are all about SEO and clickability and pin-friendliness and retweet ratios, and I’ve been thinking that maybe this blog doesn’t fit in. So I’m renaming Enjoying the Small Things to RAVISHING GINORMOUS AND SUPER INTERESTING STUFF (all caps intentional), and titling all posts from now on to something more exciting like ALLIGATOR ATTACKS and UFO LANDS IN NAPLES SUBURB BACKYARD with “just kidding” tucked somewhere in the post, because I’m responsible like that.

I kid, I kid. I actually did an article a while back for dental health month about parental guilt associated with necessary child dental work, and I was so afraid the editors were going to change my title to something more Enquirer-esque like “MY BABY HAD A ROOT CANAL!” Thankfully, they didn’t. Because they’re also responsible like that.

So, I’ll take a few lessons in social media efficiency and try not to be completely lazy in my post titles. But I won’t bait and hook just for the heck of it. Unless you count this post.

And this all started with spiders.

If you’re not completely poisoned by the Internet and still like to enjoy the small, calm, uneventful things, keep reading.

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My father-in-law does a lot of wildlife photography in the Everglades and has taken us out on a few swamp buggy adventures, promising to return when the fields are covered in wildflowers. We hit the timing right this past weekend, landing a backstage pass to Florida’s Black-eyed Susan show.

If you’re wondering why I wasn’t running through that field, spinning like Fraulein Maria, let me expand the view.

Totally headline worthy. ALLIGATOR ATTACKS BLOGGER REENACTING SOUND OF MUSIC SCENE. Tweet that.

Little Miss Dundee and her alligator-wrangling Barbie were on the look-out.

Finally, our weekend was topped off with one of my favorite October traditions–our box of leaves that arrived from Michigan, sent by my cousin Joann every year. Spider free.