on motherhood…and stuff.

on the brink of our sacred weekend, and it’s always a lovely feeling. on friday nights, an aura enters our home–and i can’t put my finger on it, but i think it’s just an extra dose of love. because we hoard our weekends like little treasures, and while sometimes i think we should be making efforts to visit interesting places and fill her little brain with as much as we can, i usually arrive at the conclusion of: what better place for her to make memories than her home? her love. her security.

…especially since i have all these dreams of making home just the most heavenly place ever for our kids. like tea parties on friday afternoons. and come-climb-in-bed-with-us-if-you’re-saddies days and i-promise-i’ll-try-not-to-embarrass-you-when-you-bring-your-friends-home-from-college slumber party weekends. and family dinners. and braid-your-hair mornings. and baby-i’ll-hold-you-forever evenings. and our kids will come and go…but home will always be here.

home. i’ve come to appreciate the term so much more being with brett. his favorite days are spent at home and the way he talks about “home”, you’d think it was a child of his. he loves this house–every memory contained within these walls and every nook and cranny that holds some sentimental value. (how many times i’ve heard…”see that counter? i remember when brandyn was little enough to walk underneath it.”) and when i’m off to the races on a saturday morning, ready to tackle a mean list of errands and “breathe” outside the four walls which contain my sanity five days a week, one look at him and his complete contentment to commit to a day inside our sanctuary–making scrambled eggs for the binks, adding some tbs-movie background noise and planning a grand game of afternoon ping pong with the boys in the garage–humbles me in the i’m-so-glad-i-married-him kind of way. this is our home. this is our life.

and then there are those confirming moments–many a quiet nights when, fire crackling, candles lit, and a good movie rolling, i’ll see that look in his eyes, and i know what’s coming. he’ll pause, sip his wine and just quietly say…i love this house.

a similar moment granted tonight. brett returned late from fort lauderdale…past lainey’s bedtime, but i do my best to keep her up to see daddy. so, after a bath with daddy…

…and some substantial cuddles, i took our binks and her heavy-lidded eyes to bed, two blankies in hand.

sidenote: i know it’s a completely controversial topic, but we have a family bed. regardless of what the books and people say, at this point, it works out beautifully for our family. i feel the need to justify somewhat (which is strange because, if you think about it, “family bed” is the most natural and pure thing) but the biggest reason i do it (besides i just secretly love it) is because brett is working a lot longer hours these days and i know it kills him to lose so much time with her, so it grants him hours of snuggling and spooning and hearing her breathe in his ear–hours he would normally lose to wasted sleep time. and when i wake up in the dark at four a.m. and look over to see her all clay-molded to her daddy and a half-smile on his semi-sleeping face: oh, it’s so worth it. end of sidenote.

so, here we are doin’ our normal night routine and then daddy comes walking in. and he just climbs under the quilt (plus extra down comforter because it’s frigid these days in naples, you know) with us and we snuggle. and it’s dark except for this glow of yellow light coming from the closet, and you can hear the hum of the space heater (you heard me…space heater. in south florida). and brett and i prop our heads up on our elbows and talk about our day–in the faint yellow glow of a dark room–with a sleepy little binks between us. and, as we talk, we see her eyelashes bat slowly…and her lids fall…and she’s tryin’ so hard to capture all this mama and daddy conversation…but she’s so sleepy and she’s just thumbin’ her puppy’s left ear and sucking the livin’ daylights out of her pacifier. and we see it all goin’ down as we keep talkin’….and watching her…and smiling because it’s just the cutest.

and yes. i hit “record” on my little brain recorder, filed it away for later and said something super sappy to brett. but he’s used to it. and i think he secretly loves it…very, very much.

…and then super-rewind to our day: just one of those regular days where we bump into friends and make impromptu plans to do fun kid-ish things…like go to the park. we have this lovely park just about a mile from us and, in addition to the traditional swings and various climb-ey/bounc-ey things, it boasts this vast gravel digging grounds…which i think is also known as e.coli-harboring-grounds, but what brett doesn’t know won’t kill ‘im. so, we tote our purell and give it a shot. …and what kid doesn’t like a little gravel/e.coli, huh?

(and kudos to the mom who packed a galvanized tin pail for the park. we don’t know who you are, and we’re sorry we temporarily stole it for a picture)

…and our sweet lily cuddles with a bottle…

…and hello, sweet peyton.

..and while we’re on the whole kid/baby discussion, i will say that almost-21-months is just a beautiful age. and she just has so many expressions of feeling and so much to say about life (i.e.: so much to say about not getting her way) and i’m just embracing all these feelings i’m having about motherhood. all good. all in amazement at the evolvement of feelings and intelligence and emotion. it is such a miracle. and i find the fits and expression just beautiful challenges…i love figuring this out on my own. no books. just finding my own little niche in the beautiful world of motherhood…finding how it is my character raises a child. because there is no one way to be a perfect parent…but there are a million ways to be a great one. and i find them every day…every fit she throws in target, every inquiring look she gives me, every teachable moment she gifts me with..i love the challenge. i love embracing it all and figuring it out as i go. and i love seeing the impact of my choices–knowing just a handful of “consequences” and love and encouragement has already made its mark in her little morale. she knows. she’s gettin’ it. and her character is this big, beautiful shadow of everything i am (we are). wow. what a challenge. seriously, it is such an honor to hold in our hands the daunting task of being an example. to teach her everyhing we know. we want to raise a beautiful, confident, loving human being, and we will do everything we can to fulfil that unfathomable role.

…and leaving you with two little happies:

a) my sister pointed out she has a beautiful neanderthal-ian walk.
and i proved her right today:

oh, my little baby needs a plaque in the science & industry museum in chicago!

and b) her growing independence.
we clap for her a billion times a day because she is just one giant ball of smartycakes. miss fine-motor-skills buckled her own carseat today. (applause, applause. and, if you don’t clap for her….she will see to it you are reminded because, upon every accomplishment she makes, applause–on her own accord–quickly follows)

i just love being in charge of raising a human being.

…and, in other news, i will be photographing my first wedding (outside of family) this october: jeremy & erin, the darling couple in the previous post. i am so excited.

…and just since i’m in the mood…a shout-out to my sister tonight. i love you. you are fabulous. you are everything i aspire to be. and you are making a difference in so many lives. thank you for being amazing. now go write your book.

and a bonus scrapbook page:

…enjoying the life-is-whatever-you-make-it things. ~k