on making up for absence, a fall, and a very pretty baby.

it’s dark. and quiet. and i’m cuddled up in the nook on my favorite spindly chair, with the afghan my mom made me. the afghan that is so long, every time i’m wrapped up in it i think for a moment how mad my mom must have been when ten rows into it, she realized she had to actually crochet that lofty length she set for another trillion rows or so.

brett’s in rockford, and i’m finding that when he is gone, i rise to the occasion more than i thought i was capable of. perhaps, subconsciously, i realize the importance of his presence. how much he loves and gives and puts out there. so, when he is gone, albeit a short time, i feel to some extent the challenge of stretching a little further to make up for his absence. not that i could ever fill his love quota in addition to my own. but maybe just a little extra.

so i clean a little more. cook a little better. read one more book to her. tell her she’s my favorite girl one more time than i did yesterday. put an extra load of laundry in. keep the car cleaner. run harder. and faster. in fact, last night, after her bath, i bundled her in the jogging stroller, laced up, tossed latte in the basket underneath and hooked sophie up in a halfway managable manner so she could stride as fast as she wanted to without rope-burning my hands. we said hello to the moon as we started a fast pace toward the street-light glow on the corner until, three blocks later, my burn-out pace got the better of me as i slowed down and reeled in sophie’s leash. except lainey apparently designated herself as my coach and yearned for the previous fast pace that wind-whipped her little blond hairs. she cried and pointed forward. …as i pumped myself up: brett’s gone. you’re the woman of the house. you can do this. run. so i kicked it. hard. ran through every cramp and ache until the wind practically blew lainey’s cheeks back with gale force and sophie’s legs begged for mercy. and, on our return, another book. and drink-her-in sort of bed cuddles that certainly made up for a missing daddy on the other side.

and i mopped today. and had a photo shoot. and another one tomorrow. and, regardless of the fact that women do so much more than this every day, it doesn’t belittle the fact that…well, i am woman. so hear me roar.

overcompensation? quite possibly, but it never hurts to give more than you’re asked.

and, of course it would so happen that, upon daddy’s absence, one of my scariest mama moments occurred today. five minutes after lying her down for her nap, i heard a horrible crash and a scream. and i bolted…faster than i did last night…to open the door and find my sweet little cubby face-first on the wood floor. and my heart dropped and my eyes pooled with tears and i scooped her up in mama speed to pull her into that newborn swaddle i did not so long ago, all the while scanning for dilated pupils, blood, bruises, broken bones…singing, kissing, humming words i didn’t even realize were coming out.

…and then it was okay. not a single bruise. and i prayed a million thank-you prayers tonight because i know we could have ended up in the emergency room. but we didn’t. and my friend had her husband at my door an hour later with a giant yellow toolbox and a mission to drop the crib mattress. and forty-five minutes (three screwdrivers, two wrenches and a few swear words) later, we have a safer crib…sans the bumpers too. it’s plain. but safe. thank you jeff for being a good daddy…and a good fill-in daddy too.

and, after my photo props were already dragged out tonight for a baby shoot, i killed another bird and got my happy girl…post fall, believe it or not.

(oh, this shy smile on the right…neighbor was dancing for her…and i just love that little shy face…tryin’ so hard not to smile)

and a bit more spring. oh, yellow is yummy.

and finally…the talking has recommenced with four new sweet little words this week. ladies and gentlemen, we have hot dog and brandyn and grandma (she yelled it into the phone at my mom the other day…to which grandma screamed) and thank you. and this clip right here proves our budding vocabulary. (see, dad. she does talk).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaQgQoDojys

oh, but wait…one more precious. today’s newborn little hailey. i get teary editing the newborn photos. just overwhelmed with the fact that babies are simply the most glorious thing on earth and that i am quite certain my heaven will be rocking a sea of these loves 24 hours a day.

her doting older brother, cameron…

and, oh how i love these mama and daddy shots…

and my favorites…

i have a little waiting for me to snuggle up close…~k