Every few weeks, I receive an e-mail from a reader telling a hopeful story of waiting for a baby. Many of you who read here are mothers, but there is also a great number of women who come and read and take part in this community who are not. Maybe some choose not to have children–and that’s quite alright–but the ones who wait and hope and try and wait some more–well, it’s an emotional journey, one that needs a lot of love and support.
In my own circle of friends and family, I know many that faced years of infertility struggles. Many of these women became moms in different ways, and some chose to pursue other dreams without children. Either way, this challenging journey so many women face is made a little easier when there is a community of support. When we are well-informed and understanding and stand together.
According to Resolve, the National Infertility Association, currently 1 in 8 American couples of childbearing age suffer infertility issues. Each has a story to tell. Among these stories is that of Lindsay Riddell, our guest blogger today.
Lindsay, thank you for bringing your vulnerability, your beautiful words and your strong voice to this space. I’m so honored to have your story here. You can follow Lindsay on Twitter @LoisLaneSF or on her new Tumblr: Gross Stuff No One Likes.
Photo Credit: Paige Green Photography
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You Must be This Pregnant to Ride:
Our Journey Aboard the Infertility Roller Coaster
by Lindsay Riddell
My husband asked me if I wanted kids a month after we started dating.
I was all: “Hey buddy, slow down, what’s with the baby questions?”
He was all: “I’m 39. I want kids, and I don’t want to waste my time.”
I’ve joked with him about his bold approach, but fact is, I liked that he was upfront about it. Not only did I know he wanted kids, but I also knew he was already considering having them with me. We picked the names right then and there, Friday June, after “Girl Friday”, the name given to the first female reporters, and June, after his mother. Jack Danger was an easy choice, because, ‘No. Danger is my middle name’ will always be funny. Our relationship, from then on, was serious.
There were other important things that influenced our courtship: Though he’s eight years older than me, we love to do the same activities; biking, running, generally being outside; We prefer the same beers and the same movies and the same TV shows at least 80 percent of the time. And because he’s color blind, he can’t criticize my decorating decisions.
When I hold up my iPhone and say “pretend we’re on a roller coaster,” he always does it, no matter where we are. We have a series of these roller coaster photos: On the beach in Hawaii; at a super nice restaurant in Austin, Texas; on an airplane — arms raised, eyes wide, terror-stricken. This might be my favorite thing.
When he travels for work (which is often), we’ll FaceTime before we go to bed. If I’ve had a bad day, he’ll pretend he’s in a canoe, rowing back and forth across my screen until I start laughing. He totally looks like he’s in a canoe! It works every time.
While he’s logical and I’m creative, we’re a good balance, the right amount of yin to yang; color-seeing to non-color-seeing.
He proposed on our two-year anniversary when he was 40 years old and I was 32. After a July wedding at City Hall in San Francisco, we started trying to make some babies in February of 2011.
It did not work.
For months we were really chill about the entire thing. We relished our ‘Whatever happens happens’ attitude. But one by one our friends started to announce their pregnancies and I started to get frustrated.
First, my best friend and her husband got pregnant literally the first time they tried. Blammo. Just like that. This is so easy!
Then a member of my book club who is a local farmer, got pregnant the first month she started trying – you know, to time the delivery for Winter when things would be slow on the farm. How convenient!
Next up was my neighbor, who had been on birth control for 18 years, and who got pregnant.. wait for it… on her first shot. First shot! These stories were all so hilarious!
My husband was convinced we just needed to be patient. That eventually it would all work the way it was supposed to.
After we’d been trying for more than a year, I went to a baby shower where, I swear, I was the only non-parent, not-pregnant person in attendance. A friend I didn’t even know was pregnant waddled up to me rubbing her adorable pregnant belly with some encouraging words: “It took us five months,” she said. “It’s your turn next.”
But it wasn’t my turn. Two of my cousins got pregnant, one with her third kid, a girl, just like she planned. The other cousin got pregnant with her third – “an accident” (Whoops! Right?).
A longtime friend who bought us our first ovulation kit and had it sent to my house after a year of fruitless, non-strategic trying, flew to town, and held my hands across a dinner table. She was pregnant again. We both cried. But her empathy to my situation was real and touching. We could be happy for her together and sad for me together. And we were.
In October of 2012, my husband and I visited the infertility specialist and I got my eggs tested. I have plenty. I’m a spring chicken, eggs-wise. This is not that helpful as it turns out. My husband got his junk tested and guess what? Levels are normal. Despite the fact that he’s an ironman who spends lots of hours on his bike crushing his sensitive parts to numbness, he has lots of swimmers and they swim.
The doctor explained our options: Clomid – a drug that stimulates eggs to drop; artificial insemination; and In vitro fertilization. We had already ruled out IVF – which can be a really great choice for some people, including a friend of ours who just this week delivered a perfect little baby after just one cycle of IVF. It doesn’t feel good to me, however, and it isn’t how I wanted to produce a baby. I knew that before the appointment and my husband supported that.
And even though the infertility doctor drew us a stark graph that gave us a 2 percent chance of getting pregnant on our own given how long we’ve been trying, we were not quite convinced. We thought “We can do this.”
In November, a bunch of my cousins came to visit. One of my cousins, one of my best friends in the world, had some news. Telling me was hard. For her. For me. For everyone visiting.
My response: “God dammit.” I said it out loud. And I cried. Not because I wasn’t happy for her. She knows I am. Only because it sucked for her to have to tell me. It sucked, and it’s the kind of news that shouldn’t suck. When I woke up the next morning with all of my cousins at a fancy San Francisco hotel, I discovered I had started my period a week early. Insult. To. Injury.
In December I felt weird. Bloated. Ornery. I had sore boobs for two weeks. My back hurt. I looked at WebMD every day analyzing my symptoms, waiting to get within the window that I could take a pregnancy test and finally show my husband those two freaking lines. I tried to tamp down any hope, swallow it before it escalated and took over. But hope is a powerful thing. It is highly resistant to being swallowed or tamped. And it crept up anyway, bursting through that two year build up of dark infertile clouds casting a shadow over my future.
I started my period 8 days early, three days after Christmas.
In January we took a sexcation to Hawaii, to recover and to relax and to… you know. It was not fruitful despite our valiant efforts.
I turned 35 at the end of January and when I woke up on my birthday, I told my husband that this was the year we would have a baby – or at least confirmation that a baby was on its way. We were going to have to accept the fact that despite how much we wanted it, and despite how hard we tried, and despite how many trips we took on the proverbial roller coaster, we might not be able to make a baby.
Yesterday we took matters into our own hands. We made an appointment for our first adoption orientation. We are nervous and excited and so anxious. We don’t know if we’ll get pregnant, but we’ve decided to adopt even if we do.
My husband asked me if I wanted kids one month after we started dating. And today, six years later, and for the first time in a long time, our arms are raised, our eyes are wide, we are terror-stricken. But we are hopeful.
— Lindsay is a San Francisco-based writer. You can follow her on Twitter @LoisLaneSF or on her new Tumblr: Gross Stuff No One Likes.
Loved this post! Am very interested in following her adoption journey, and rooting her on along the way! I’ve never used Tumblr, and it says I have to have an account to see her blog? Anyone know if that’s the same for all Tumblrs? I’d rather not create an account, but I will If I have to. Thanks!
Lindsey
The Accidental Wallflower
That’s beautiful. I’m an adopted baby, my parents spent 8 years trying to get pregnant, and they’re so glad they couldn’t…because that means they got me. 🙂 Much love to you, Lindsey, and good luck to both of you!
Thank you. I am lucky and grateful to have one son, but my husband and I spent years in this situation – frustrated, sad and confused. We have accepted that we have a miracle and are incredibly lucky for that – and this is our life, just us three. But it was a LONG road to get to that and it still hurts some days. Thank you for this. SO much.
Goosebumps and tears. I wish you two all the happiness out there on your adoption, and possibly non-adoption, journey! Thanks for sharing this so beautifully. <3
“We can be happy for her together and sad for me together.” I really needed to hear this today. Thanks for sharing your story and fresh perspective.
Beautifully written, and so very true, from the small glimpse of infertility I have had through friends, family, and my own struggles (with miscarriage). Congratulations, Lindsay, on the decision to adopt!
Nine years here…..we went the IVF route. Got that bouncing baby boy, approximately $25,000 later. He is worth that and more. Bonus is, he must have fixed something because we also got a brother and sister for him within two years! I wish you similar success in your journey!!!
I don’t know you, but your post made me cry. Not just because it is a very moving account of your struggles(it is), but because I’ve been there.
My husband and I underwent IVF last summer, and we just celebrated our son’s 6 month birthday.
I applaud your decision to take charge and begin taking the steps to becoming a mommy. However it happens, it will be the best thing you ever do.
Good luck, and my thoughts are with you.
Oh how I remember all the ups and downs that came with infertility. The tears, the heartache and most of all the anger I felt that women who had very little desire to have children were having them and at times neglecting their children. I was pissed at times. Then I remember waking up one day after about 8 or 9 years of struggling with all the emotions and just being okay with the fact that our investment into a child’s life might not be a child of our flesh. In the 13th year of our marriage we adopted…the love year in Hebrew..and as I said to my husband the other night, I wouldn’t change one single thing about our journey to our girl..Gracee is designed for us. Oh how sweet it is to wake up to the child of our hearst…so.so.sweet.
In my ignorance I had it all planned, I wanted to become a mother at 23 (when he’d be 27)… but things aren’t as we plan. Never are! I had to go through a lot of pain, a miscarriage and years to finally get pregnant. I was 27 when my little girl was born. She’s my (2 years old) miracle!!! =)
So well written. **fingers crossed for her adoption process***
My best friend is in the same boat, and I really want to send this to her, but I don’t know if that’s overstepping…
I’ve had trouble knowing how to respond — talk about it? Don’t talk about it? Make bad jokes about it and lighten the mood?
She’s my absolute best friend in the whole wide world, so I’m pretty sure the answer is: keep it real.
Thanks for sharing Kelle! I really, really enjoyed reading this.
beautiful. thanks for sharing. hugs and luck to you and your hubby.
That was beautiful. I’m one of those annoying people who gets pregnant on the first try and my best friend is someone who needs several doctors and Clomid. I’ve watched her rocky ride and cried over the phone after too many negative pregnancy tests. She has two beautiful girls now and a heart that’s been torn apart and put together in the most beautiful fashion. All the best to you in your quest for parenthood. With all the roller coasters and canoes, your child will be one lucky kid.
I have a friend who has two adopted boys. The oldest is 13. One afternoon she heard his best friend tell him “know why being adopted is special?”. She cringed thinking something mean was coming… Her son to his friend “why”. “Because it means your parents really, really wanted you.”.
Beautiful & painful story. Thanks for sharing! 15 years, 4 rounds of clomid. 3 IUIs. Still cannot handle a cranky whiney pregnant lady. The babies I LOVE!
Awesome, awesome guest post – really beautifully written. Cannot see this kind of thing shared enough – it’s still pretty taboo to be here, stuck in ‘Can’t Have Kids’ land and the more people who’re brave enough to write about it and share the truth, the more chance there is for a little understanding and empathy to flourish.
Thanks Kellie for hosting it.
Oh goodness, from someone who’s story mirrors this one very closely, thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing! Im not sure if either of you ladies know this lady, but these posts came at the same time and I think it’d be a great connection =) http://www.rageagainsttheminivan.com/2013/08/lessons-from-my-28th-year.html#idc-cover
Wow, this is so inspiring. My hubby and I have been trying for 2 years, and same thing all is good with us. Everytime I hear someone is pregnant, I just get sick. Yet, I keep trying month after month with hope one day I can suprise my husband with the exciting news of where going to have a baby. I keep hanging on to the hope. Thanks for sharing your story becasue it helps to hear other people’s story. May you be blessed soon.
It’s a hard journey I know too well, thank you for writing and sharing your beautiful story…that is not finished yet. 🙂 We have been experiencing infertility for over 5 years now, although we were young whipper snappers when we got married and now in our mid 20’s and still nothing. Still a barren, empty, good-for-nothing womb. But, my heart is full and I am grateful for the gift of adoption. I’ve come to believe that our infertility is a blessing, not a curse. Yes, it is still at times, but I try to remember that it does not make us any less of a woman or less of a man. During those 5 years we became foster parents. Had many kids come and go. Foster to adopted 2 boys (who where in our home for two years before the adoption was final). Now we are in the process of adopting 3 precious children from Africa. We are so thrilled. Sure, I’d love to experience pregnancy and birth with my husband, but each journey to becoming a parent and growing your family is beautiful and special. I’m so blessed to read you are starting the adoption process. It’s amazing. And hard. And special. Just like the “old fashioned” way of growing a baby. As far as adoption goes: Don’t be afraid of older kids. Don’t be afraid of sibling groups. Don’t be afraid of special needs. Do your research. There are amazing AMAZING kids out there who need homes, love, who need a FAMILY.
So here is a big huge congratulations on growing your family in this way!!! LOVE makes a family!!!
So well written. I too was in your shoes. After a ectopic pregnancy, removal of my Fallopian tubes, and 3 failed IVF attempts, we went the adoption route’ Aiden was our 10 year anniversary present. Our beautiful boy is my miracle. Hang in there and take care of yourselves and when they place that baby in your arms the first time, it will be so good. ❤Heather
One of my sweet friends has a very similar story to yours and I am thrilled to announce that right at this very moment they are snuggling with their baby boy- whom they adopted. I cannot wait for them to come back home, they have to stay by the birth mom for three weeks before its final, and hold this precious much wanted, long waited for baby. The situation was not ideal, but the outcome is. A happy family 🙂 I will keep you in my prayers as the adoption journey can sometimes be just as heartbreaking and agonizing as the infertility one, but I am confident that one day you two will be coming home with a sweet baby in your arms to call your own. Much love
almost have the same story as yours but in our case we tried 2 IVF after clomids and IUIs…still no baby.. 🙁
Lindsay, I’m in the same camp. My husband and I both have fertility issues and treatment wasn’t the direction we wanted to take. We found Reece’s Rainbow through Kelle’s blog when she wrote about an orphan with DS last February. We adopted our SN kiddo (not DS) and she’s been home 7 months. Best decision we’ve ever made. Thanks, Kelle! And best of luck to you and your husband, Lindsay.
Lindsay – just wanted to share that i went through a similar journey (and feelings!) with my 2nd. (first time got pregnant within a few months, like *everyone* else, 2nd time…never happened. been off the pill for 2.5 years)
anyway, all this to say – i hear ya and feel ya. AND i’m now the mama to a beautiful 4 month old baby girl that we are in process of adopting. once we started our orientation process with our adoption agency, we were certified within 4 months (i was ready to roll!) and miraculously matched with our birth mom 4 weeks after that, the day our daughter was born. like is crazy and life is good. keep the faith, pursue adoption with your heart open and be ready for your emotions to run wild. wishing you all things good!
I read your story through my tears. Like many other commenters, I know the pain you speak of. My husband and I had a ten year struggle with infertility. About four years in, I decided I was going to stop focusing on being pregnant, and start focusing on being a mom. My husband I started the adoption process and over the next five years adopted three children from foster care. If infertility was not part of my story, I would not have these three amazing blessings that I call my own. My children. I had all I ever wanted, I was a mom! Adoption came with it’s own ‘labor pains’ but meeting your child for the first time when all you have seen is a picture and a few details of their lives cannot be put into words. I wish you all the best on your adoption journey! I know its a hard place to get to..to let go of all you had planned..and choose joy..even if it looks different than you thought it would. One last thing, after ten years of infertility struggles, and three adoptions, we decided to give infertility treatments one last try. (I was ok if my only outcome was knowing I tried one more time and did everything we could before we called it quits on growing our family). THe outcome was TWINS. So glad things didn’t go the way I had planned..despite all my tears and heartache, wishing and hoping. It all went how it was suppose to and I have 5 beautiful blessings to show for my ten year journey! Thanks Kelle for this post. Knowing I was not alone was what got me through. I hope all of these comments and stories from other women can do the same for another hopeful mama wishing, hoping, and praying.
My heart goes out to this blogger, it took over 3.5 years to conceive our girl, and the month we did …. We had just signed up with an adoption agency. Infertility is fickle and mean and unfair. But when you finally hold your child, biological or adopted the wait is worth it and suddenly your perspective changes. My daughter was very ill for the first 8 months and I’m 100% sure that how we coped was reflective of our wait and determination.
Sucktastic as it is waiting, your time will come xxx
Beautiful post! thanks so much for sharing your story!!
I just happened upon your blog today and it brought me to tears. My husband and I went on the same journey as you are going on now. We knew IVF wasn’t for us. To us being parents was way more important than being pregnant. We would go through infertility a billion times to have our gorgeous daughter that we were blessed with through adoption! She is almost three years old and is the light of our lives. Just remember that God is faithful and will bless you in His time through His method. It stinks we can’t plan our owns lives, but the life He has planned for us is way better that what we plan for ourselves! Good luck on your journey and know that you are going to be parents soon!! Congratulations!! 🙂
Thank you Lindsey and Kelle for sharing. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage that required a D&C, that baby would have been born in September, as I see the flowers blooming now, I think of that little one. I naively thought baby making would be simple. Although I only had to wait another 4 months to be pregnant again, I remember thinking that it would just about do my head in if we struggled to fall pregnant again. At 33 with an older husband (51) I could hear that damn clock ticking and watching others fall pregnant so easily seemed cruel.
As Kelle knows I fell pregnant with twins who were born at 26 weeks. We warrior Mama’s and Mama’s-to-be deal with a battleground of emotions; as we all just want to hold that tiny, beautiful little one, and to love them so dearly. Whatever life deals us, sometimes motherhood doesn’t go to plan, accepting that with grace is one of the hardest life lessons I’ve learned. I will be thinking of you and your husband Lindsey and be hoping you hold your child soon.
Thank you so much for that. I can relate and just really needed to read something like that.
Adoption is one of the best things that has happened to me and our family. We are blessed with 2 bio kids but recently followed my life long calling to bring our youngest daughter home from China. Best wishes on this wonderful crazy journey to parenthood you are embarking on. Adoption will bless you more than you can ever imagine.
This was beautiful. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have gotten pregnant so easily. I think many of us forget that there are those out there struggling. Thank you for this honest post about how that feels. I hope to be supportive of those around me going through it.
Hi Lindsey ~
Thank you for sharing your story. As I’m sure you know, with every story like yours…you are helping and healing the hearts of many!
I’m wishing you well on your journey to a baby! I too, could not get pregnant and we also decided to adopt rather than go the IVF route.
With this whole entire process, you’re so right, a roller coaster! The ride sure can twist, turn, and and carry you to places you never thought. Often times, I have said out loud, “okay, I’ve had enough…I’d like OFF please!!” But no…I’m strapped in and stuck and so…if I am…I suppose I will keep moving forward and learn all the lessons I possibly can.
I will be keeping you and your husband close, and send every good baby vibe your way!
For being such a painful and tough subject matter, that was a joy to read. Is that OK to say? Funny, witty, straight-forward and honest. I love you and your husbands relationship and hope that a child will be blessed to call you two parents. Thank you so much for sharing.
What a lovely, brave post. Thank you for sharing, Lindsay. Infertility is a dark and lonely journey, and I found that it really helped me to build a community of sorts by reading infertility blogs, getting to know other waiting couples through our adoption agency, and joining a Resolve support group. We had two failed IVF cycles and eventually adopted our amazing son and daughter from the foster care system. How I wish I could have the money back that I spent on infertility treatments to put into my kids college fund…
The path to adoption is not without its own ups and downs, but one thing I have found over the last 8 years is that everyone, and I mean everyone, that I have known who wanted to be a parent ended up with kids by one means or another.
You will be a mother someday.
People used to tell me that and I didn’t believe them, but now I find myself advising others in your situation: the right child will find his or her way to your family. And when that happens, you will experience a deep and lasting gratitude like you’ve never known before – a feeling that does not diminish with time. And it feels amazing. Best wishes to you on your journey to motherhood, Lindsay.
Like you, my husband and I decided that IVF was not for us. Our resolution to infertility is a childfree lifestyle. None of this is easy, and yet you captured the thoughts and fears and emotions concisely and beautiful. Wishing you the best of luck in this coming year as you pursue your family.
Beautiful! Thanks for sharing your story. Wishing you the best with the adoption process! Some little boy or girl will be very lucky to have you as parents.
Kelle….
Hi!! I created another Blog today–just for diverse Writing Projects!!–check it out at this address, if you would like!! 😉
http://writing–projects.blogspot.com/ .
–Raelyn
This post brought tears to my eyes. I wish you all the best on this journey you’re on. I know about the pain of waiting, so I could relate to a lot of your words. Beautiful post!
http://www.beautifullifemadeeasy.blogspot.ca
I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your story! I hope all the best for you and your husband.
Thanks for sharing this.
We have struggled with infertility for over 7 years. We tried on our own, did 4 IUIs, and 3 IVFs. All were unsuccessful. The injections, the medications, the hopes, the tears…it was just all too much after a while.
We knew adoption was the best choice for us. We signed with an agency and became home study ready. Within six months we were linked with an expectant mom making an adoption plan, and within 9 months our daughter was born.
We have a wonderful open adoption with our daughter’s birthmom and can’t imagine our family any other way.
http://wendy-steve-andg3.blogspot.com/
I’m so sorry you’ve had such a difficult journey in this area. I’m proud of you for being open to adoption! That can be quite a roller-coaster, too, but also so worthwhile!
This isn’t a fancy-schmancy website, but the numbers speak for themselves… In Omaha (Nebraska) of all places, there is a doctor who has done cutting-edge infertility research and has developed Natural Procreative Technology which is way more successful than IVF… and it’s all about treating the underlying problems. http://www.naprotechnology.com/infertility.htm
A partner website of theirs says, “Assists infertile couples…nearly 3 times more successful than IVF without early abortions or frozen embryos or high rates of multiple pregnancy.” – http://www.unleashingthepower.info/
If you want to go straight to the research, here’s one to read… http://www.cfp.ca/content/58/5/e267.full.pdf
Best wishes for you on this journey!
xoxo
Sitting here crying. I know this pain well 🙁
We were so blessed to have a little boy after 5 yrs of trying and one late term loss. I am SO thankful for him but my heart is heavy to add to our family and I struggle between guilt of being greedy and pain of knowing someone else is missing from our family. We’ve been trying for that someone for nearly 4 yrs now and every period is such a kick to the gut.
I hope that all works out for you soon and you are soon surrounded with the happy laughter (and sometimes annoying whining) of children.
My heart goes with you. I prepared for one year and then spent much with all the time and effort and then I got my period and it was so heart breaking but still quite hopeful. I have to wait another one year to try since hubby signed another one year contract thousands of miles away. Hoping that there’s still a chance or if not then maybe next year is the best.
Yes, been there! Still there. After 2.5 years of trying, my husband & I have just decided to go the IVF route. We’re hopeful, as always. Lindsay (& anyone else in this infertility boat), sending you much peace, comfort & strength~
I’m so touched by all your comments. My husband and I are feeling really hopeful. And we are encouraged and overwhelmed by all this feedback. Know that we are so happy for those of you who have beaten this thing, and we cry for those of you who are still waiting. WE understand what it is to perpetually hope. And are hopeful for you, too. Thank you for reading. I think I’ll continue to write about our adoption on my Tumblr: Gross Stuff No One Likes. Keep me posted on your stories.
Thank You for writing this.
Kelle I love your family’s story and you continiously remind me of all the blessings in our lives, we sometimes forget. I am also thankful you shared Lindsey’s story. Lindsey the courage and rawness of emotions you shared in your guest post hits home for me. My husband and I struggled too with infertility and after trying for more than 5 years to become parents, adoption became our answer. I now am the proud mother of three beautiful children, adopted children. And while I didn’t give birth to them, I believe we were put on this Earth for each other. I am excited for you and your husband as you begin this journey. Although the road of infertility is terribly hard, the road of adoption is the opposite. It is a road of hope, inspiration and the final destination is a place overflowing with love and happiness. Best wishes in your new adventure!
Congrats Lindsay! I have adopted two boys and hope for many more! I write about them on blog every week and our experience with adoption. Get ready for your heart to be put through the ringer, but it is oh so very worth it. Wait and see.
I am one of those annoying women who gets pregnant the first time trying, every time. I know how truly lucky I am in that, but especially more so after reading your post.
I just wanted to say that reading about you and your husband’s picture-taking traditions and goofy baby naming conversations made me smile. Your wit and sense of humor is going to serve you well in the future with however many children you have, because no matter how they become part of your family, they will still speak the universal language of kids: whining. 😉 But all kidding aside, I will be thinking of you on your journey. Best of luck to you and your husband!
This was an amazing post! My husband and I tried diligently for 5.5 years, all the while friends, some who didn’t even want kids, had their first,..second..and third kids. It was heartbreaking.
Finally, when we gave up and tye stress lifted I miraculously was pregnant with our daughter who is now 6 and a half and is everything I ever dreamed of 🙂
I don’t know what to say. And yet am too touched to say nothing. I think you are very courageous. And a fine writer to boot. May you be blessed with all the children you want.
We did egg donation:) http://www.pved.org has great and I mean stellar information 🙂 as well as support. I wish you the best.
Very beautiful and touching post. Thank you Kelle for having her share her story on your blog. I look forward to following your adoption journey on your blog, Lindsay!
Wishing you the best, a good friend of mine was on the rollercoaster for two years as well.. and after a few medical interventions, she’s now snuggling her baby girl and posting way too many instagram photos 🙂 Every one of them makes me smile. It will happen. It will. Hugs to you.
Wishing you EVERY good thing!
Mary, who’s done the adoption thing 6 times and thinks it is a great way to have a child 🙂
Lindsay – your story was my story ten years ago but I know your pain and hope like it was yesterday. We now have two daughters – our six year old through IVF and our four-year-old, a happy surprise. Be kind to yourself. I’ll try to connect with you via tumblr – in the meantime, I’m holding space for you and wish you so much luck and love!
– Lindsay
Thinking of you, xo
Lindsay’s story is so crazy close to my own that it’s scary. Very subtle differences. We’ve got a slightly bigger age gap and we certainly are a few levels down on the healthy meter BUT the timeframe and harsh points of the struggle are very very similar. We often talk adoption and although we are not yet on the exact same page about that, this gives me so much hope. Thank you!
Wishing you the very best in your journey to parenthood. My heart simply aches for you for the loss you feel. Congratulations on your decision to adopt! Adoption has changed my life in the most remarkable way, and it will yours too. It can be a challenge, though, but so worth it! Hope is powerful stuff! =)
I sincerely thought this was wonderfully written, taking a really tough private situation and putting it out there for everyone to see. And doing it with such grace, and appropriately adding the real touches of humor- I know you will make wonderful parents. Everything happens for a reason, even though we don’t know what the reason is for a long time.
Yes!!!! Thank you for sharing. I’m also on this roller coaster and I’m so thankful for brave women like you who allow us to not feel alone!
This post came at a perfect time for me. I’ll be having my fourth IUI this Monday. While I’m cautiously optimistic, I am also preparing myself for the possiblity that this one, like the others, won’t work. Your post is a good reminder that even if I never end up getting pregnant, being a mom still isn’t out of my reach. Good luck to you in your adoption!
Lindsay – I carry much hope for you and so many other moms-to-be {yes – YOU ARE!}. I have worked in reproductive medicine for 10 years and could write a book about every heartbreaking struggle I have walked through with patients. That being said, there is always light at the end., and no matter how you build your family, I sincerely hope and pray that your heart will be full one day and these days will be a distant memory. Blessings to you!
OH my beautiful daughter #2, this is so well written…I am sending the best “baby vibes” to you and John.
LOVE you TONS!
I’m someone else who totally gets it. I lived the same things you’ve described. Although I could get pregnant, I couldn’t carry to term. We’ve had 7 miscarriages. Now years later, we’ve adopted two beautiful boys — the lights of our lives. And I can honestly say that I wouldn’t have it any other way. Best of luck to you. You’re experiences will help make you a wonderful mommy.
This post couldn’t have come at a better time. I loved reading all the comments because I’m also in the same boat at 27. Never thought it would be ‘me’. I’ve known I’ve wanted to be a mama since I can remember. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant and it also happened on the first try. I feel like no one can relate to me and they don’t know what to say. What an emotional roller coaster. I have so many times thought ‘this is our month’ only to get my period a few days later. Clomid didn’t work for me so now on to femara. Praying it works. Otherwise we will start down the injection road. Kelle – thank you so much for publishing this post. And Lindsay, god bless you on your new journey!! hugs!
What a wonderfully written post. The power of prayer works wonders. Praying for you and your husband.
Congratulations on your decision to adopt! I think that is so wonderful. I hope that your dreams of having children will be fulfilled – no matter what means. A child in your life is always a blessing. Good luck to you!
I just texted my best friend & told her all I want to do is hug you & tell how much this sucks. I’m glad you’re looking into adoption, but I know the pain of wanting a baby & not getting the desire of your heart. I’ve had 3 miscarriages since last August, starting Clomid in 10 days, and I’m scared shitless. Add anxiety attacks to all of that, and I’m a hot a mess. Good luck on your adoption journey! I hope you get pregnant & adopt a baby as well!
our story is so very parallel to this and nearly made me laugh and cry at the same time.
17 years into our matrimony we now have two beautiful, perfectly-fit-to-us kids —
Rachel-9 adopted from China while we lived in the US
Judah -4 adopted from US while we lived in China, and he was our “surprise-adoption”!!
We like to keep things interesting!
Keep the HOPE growing…. its a great, great journey!
LaWanda
Great, moving words that made me feel less alone, on what can be a very lonely journey.
Thanks Kelle and Lindsay !
What a beautifully truthful read. My hubby and I waited 5 years before we started trying… Two years later and one lost baby sent us to the fertility doctor. We were pregnant with twins the first cycle of IVF and although it was yet another stab in the heart when we lost one…. Our little miracle boy is almost 10 months old. Praying for the peace your heart needs in whatever way it needs to be found. Xo
Read this post last night and cried. I found out at 17 I would never conceive, so my husband and I have been on this adoption/foster care/possible IVF journey for the last 5 years. We are in the process of adopting our beautiful, sweet foster son whom we’ve had since birth and also are in the waiting pool for an adoption agency. The ride can feel like it takes forever, but I know that God’s timing is everything and my second baby will be here soon!! Thanks for sharing this!!
–Naomi
Okay…so glad you are headed for adoption. One book recommendation for you…
“The Open Hearted Way” to Open Adoption by Lori Holden. It is AWESOME. Filled with advice about how to navigate the adoption triad after you have your son or daughter in your arms.
Give it a read. You’ll be glad you did!
Best wishes for a wonderful journey to your children.
Thanks for sharing! I too know the struggles she’s going through. Although where she chose adoption and couldn’t go through IVF, we unsuccessfully went with IVF. It’s definitely a struggle. I’ve kind of gotten numb to the pregnancy announcements but every now then my heart breaks for us and I cry.
Thank you for sharing! Sometimes it feels like living a lie or living in a closet with infertility. I’m now so desensitized to people’s pregnancy announcements that it’s just sad and heartbreaking, for both of us. I have screamed GD and cried and picked myself up and started all over. My husband and I have finally decided to try IVF. One shot. How I pray and wish and hope it works. If it doesn’t, I don’t know how we will pick up the pieces of our hearts and move on… I wish you much happiness on your journey to your little miracle, regardless of where he/she comes from.
Wow! That was extremely powerful, raw and moving. I have goosebumps that aren’t going away. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the new addition!
Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry for your pain and struggle, and wish you all the best in your adoption journey. My husband and I were first blessed by adoption 6.5 years after we were married, and then again almost 3 years later. They are our miracles and we are so grateful. After all the years of hurt and pain, the joy feels so good!
Congratulations on beginning the adoption journey 🙂 It is beautiful in and of itself…different than pregnancy and a biological baby but absolutely as beautiful and wonderful 🙂
Lindsay, our stories are so similar. . .I wish I could hug your neck or at least hold your hand during the hard parts. My husband is 8 years older and after trying for 3 years and knowing that IVF was not the option for us, we started the adoption process earlier this year. I met our birth mama for the first time yesterday. What a journey its been! Best wishes for a beautiful family!
I have been in your shoes and can joyfully say, today, that my infertility is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. It brought me to my three children through adoption and I couldn’t be more grateful. You will hold your child one day soon and it will be more precious because of all it took to bring you there. You are in my prayers!
Lindsay, I encourage you to check out the Pope Paul VI Institute in Omaha, NE. Their rate of pregnancy over IVF is something like 3x more effective, and there are no moral qualms associated. It is a scientific-based, natural planning method. They have helped countless women conceive. My prayers are with you!
How is it that Kelle knows two people I went to high school with?? Did Nici introduce you guys? Sorry about the baby stuff Lindsay..prayers for two bundles to arrive at the same time…one from your womb and one from adoption !!!
How is it that Kelle knows two people I went to high school with?? Did Nici introduce you guys? Sorry about the baby stuff Lindsay..prayers for two bundles to arrive at the same time…one from your womb and one from adoption !!!
A friend emailed me today to tell me that she wanted to share the news that she was 9 weeks pregnant, but she was the one who held me when I cried for an hour last year when my sister announced that she’d gotten pregnant immediately after going off the pill. I felt so bad that she was hesitant to tell me because even though I’m sad for myself and a little jealous, I’m still happy for her and already ready to cuddle her little one.
I hope your journey ends in as much happiness as you can handle and more. Thank you for sharing.
So you’re about to join the best club in the world! The adoptive mama club! The infertility journey–been there. And after five years we decided to adopt too. And it has been the most incredible ride of my life. I feel so fortunate not to have been able to conceive now that we’re four years into a very open and incredible adoption with my daughter’s birth mom. Kelle actually picked a snippet of my story to share here two Mother’s Days ago that detailed how my infertility and adoption journey allowed me to “Bloom.” I love to talk to adoptive mamas as they’re walking the path and rejoice and cry with you through all the peaks and valleys. This little internet here has grown my adoptive mom support groups in countless ways and I’m so thankful for it! You can grab my e-mail over at my blog…apairofpinkshoes.com…..I talk a lot about open adoption and how it’s made me who I am today…..and I never get tired of talking about it so if you ever have any questions or need to vent to a neutral party I volunteer! So much luck to you, peace in the process, and protection from crazy questions that people will inevitably throw out–may it just bounce right off you! So excited for you and I don’t even know you! 🙂
Oh honey, I’ve been on that rollercoaster too and it was one I couldn’t wait to get off.
I want to say this as gently as possible, but don’t rule out IVF completely. My husband was against it too (having produced 4 children with no intervention whatsoever!) but we decided to embrace the incredible technology that allowed us to create a baby. We got to see our beautiful Francesca when she was just a few cells in a dish – amazing to look back on that now!
If you’d like to read about our IVF story, it might give you an alternative perspective. You never know.
Much love and all the luck in the world gorgeous gal xx
http://bumparella.blogspot.com.au/2010/10/ivf-story-part-1-pity-party-that-set.html
We tried for three years to get pregnant. We went to a fertilit clinic and The Mr and I both tested normal. Finally we did intrauterine insemination. It worked, and since then we have gotten pregnant three more times on our own. I’m now expecting my fourth. Maybe try IUI? It worked for us, anyway.
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What a beautiful story, mixed with so much humor and positivity! Even if you have not struggled with the same circumstances, it’s so easy to relate to the feelings of heartbreak and hope. Kelle, I hope that we can hear from Lindsay again one day when she adopts a baby! 🙂
thank you for sharing your story….
and for being vulnerable.
hopeful for the child that will come into your lives and turn you inside out.
adoption is a beautiful thing.
we have 2 biological children and a little girl from China. We waited two years to bring her home, and i can say, without a doubt, that she was born to be ours. after being pregnant with our biological children, i can honestly say that i felt pregnant while we waited for Lydia. it might sound like a load of crap, but it is sooooo true, for me anyways. the love that grew in my heart was absolutely birthed the moment they put her in my arms.
Love this post! I’m a proud loving, most blessed mama to two~ one of which was born out of my body and the other outta my heart through adoption!!!
Adoption is the most profound blessing I’ve ever experienced!!!
Never give up on becoming a mommy!!! Whether through your body or your soul!!!!
Hey there Lindsay…. (hugs) We, like so many others have traveled the same road. Though we didn’t know it was our road until we adopted internationally twice and then tried to get pregnant for our third. The year of trying followed by the testing and the results (which for us were quite devastating.. severe male factor) were so hard. I think I cried a river into my dishwater, a lake while driving anywhere, and an ocean while laying in bed at night. Hang in there. We do have number 3 now, he was also adopted though domestically as a newborn rather than international. You have probably been bombarded by blogs of folks who have adopted, but if you need one more you can find me at http://benjaminandholly.blogspot.com
Fantastic post. I’m going to pray for you, Lindsay. I’m going to pray prayers of thankfulness that instead of being bitter – you’re going to adopt. Something that isn’t as “common” as it should be.
And I’m going to pray that God gives you the baby you’ve wanted for so long – be it through that adoption or through pregnancy (or both!).
God bless your excitement and terror.
A friends daughter had fertility problems. She did acupuncture. She is now a Mom. You might look into it as another option.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I love Lindsey’s beautiful and thoughtful writing. I am on the infertility roller coaster right now and her words have so encouraged me. Thank you!
What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing and best of luck to them on their journey!
my brother and his wife tried for 3 years, had a round of IVF, had a miscarriage. Adopted the most incredible, beautiful son and daughter from Korea. when they were 8 and 5, along came a sister, totally by surprise. She is a bonus, they were already a happy family.
Thank you so much for this post. My husband was diagnosed with cancer in February nine months after we were married. Along with the diagnosis we realized that it would be a long, long time before we could even try to have a baby. That sucked,and it still does. After all of the chemotherapy and radiation there is a chance that we still will not be able to have a baby. I hope with all my heart that our day comes when we can finally become parents. Thank you so much for this post. Praying for and thinking of you and your husband. <3
This was so perfect. I want to be Lindsay’s friend! Every example she gave of friends and how they announced their easy/wanted/unwanted/multiple pregnancies was what I experienced over three years of recurrent pregnancy loss. I wish them the very best on their journey!
Reading your words was like reading my own. Our stories are pretty much identical from the time you started trying for a baby. We were blessed with a son last November – a surprise, if you will – after Clomid, 3 failed IUIs, and an adoption orientation. We hope to adopt our second child in the next two years. Take courage! It may not happen the way you think, but it will happen…and it’s good.
we are waiting since 10 years. your story could be mine :((( its so hard to exept but maybe god has other plans for us <3
Kelle, thank you for this guest post.
Lindsay, my heart goes out to you. I’ve felt some of the same pain. 4 years and 3 miscarriages later, our rainbow baby is finally here. Praying your baby makes his/her way into your arms VERY soon.
Thank you for sharing your story with others. God bless you. I do not know if you have heard of NaPro Technology.
http://www.naprotechnology.com/
It’s focus is on the health of the woman and treating the underlying causes of which infertility is a symptom.
I also have a dear friend who has a one year old daughter she adopted with her husband and they are going through the process of applying to adopt again.
So yesterday was my 34th Gotcha Day. And to this day I can’t be more blessed. My mom, witnessed our first child’s birth and because of the pain my mom endured my husband and I have decided to welcome whomever God allows into our family. Currently we are expecting our fifth. (I am overdue). When someone makes a nasty comment or asks if we know how it happens, I remind them of people who suffer with infertility and how we should love and welcome any child because some would do just about anything to welcome a little one into their family. BLessings on your journey.
Good luck on your adoption journey, I hope it’s a smooth ride. We are just gearing up for second FET and know all about being happy for friends and so sad for yourself, then being sad it even makes you feel that way.
Thank you for sharing your story and thank you Kelle for sharing this post.
I’m right there on the infertility roller coaster with you, Lindsay. After 3 IUIs and two miscarriages, we have one beautiful son from our first round of IVF. But now we’re trying for another child and are very much back on the roller coaster again–two more rounds of IVF and another miscarriage. Thank you for honestly sharing your story and wishing you the very very best.
Thank you for posting this!
I have about the same difference in years with my hubs and we have not started trying yet. I have been afraid of things that have not happened yet and mostly of the struggle. I had a miscarriage years ago and I can’t help thinking “what I can’t conceive?”. Only time will tell but THANK YOU for your strength and your inspiring post. I keep going back and forth between happiness and anxiousness too when my friends announce their pregnancies.
The support is heart-warming.
This was beautiful, and heart breaking. Today is my 2nd year anniversary….infertility wise. We have been married for 8 years and whenever I would hear of people struggling with fertility, I would think, “Thank goodness that isn’t going to be our trial.” Naive. I hope that Lindsay finds happiness and resolution in adoption, for it is just a wonderful gift.
I also hope that I can have as much humor, patience, and faith as she has. I truly needed to hear this today. Thank you for sharing such a private story.
Thank you to LIndsay for sharing such an intimate story. Unless diagnosed with some sort of female/endo issue at a young age, none of us that get that infertility diagnosis ever expect it. It comes as a blow and it doesn’t really matter which partner has the “issue”…it’s always a “couples” problem. Wishing you all the best as you pursue adoption!!!
XOXO,
Valerie
Proud Mom of Mary Catherine, (Age 9, IVF-ICSI baby)
Benjamin (Age 6, Bonus Baby #1)
Luke (Age 3, Bonus Baby #2)
Plus 5 Little Souls in Heaven
Simply beautiful! HOORAY and Congtrats!!!
Thank you so much for sharing this story! My husband and I are currently trying to conceive. After trying on our own and not succeeding I succumbed to a serious of tests and ultrasounds to find out I have PCOS. Now that I am on multiple medications we’re hoping to be successful.
I feel like it is my “job” in life to be a mother, and have wanted nothing more than to be a mother since I was very young. It’s especially difficult when everyone we know seems to have no problem conceiving and we’re having no luck.
I’m confident that your little angel will find you and wish you the best of luck in your new adventure!
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! After three heart-breaking miscarriages and what seems like endless tears and prayers and frustration, we’ve been given the “all clear” by our specialist to try again. No one can find anything “wrong” with us. Our chromosomes are normal, my thyroid, heart, blood, uterus, ovaries, and everything else is NORMAL. It’s comforting to hear, but still discouraging and very scary. I am relying A LOT on my faith right now to get me through each day as we take the plunge and start trying again. Working at a pediatrician’s office can be pretty tough, too, especially seeing newborns virtually every day, and knowing that I won’t see my three babies until I get to Heaven.
But you GET this pain – at least, in part…you know what it’s like to be the last one picked. I’ve been to more baby showers than I can count! I’m fortunate to have a group of very understanding and loving girlfriends, but it’s not always enough. I’ve found that voicing my feelings, especially in this area, is liberating, and also helps bring comfort to those experiencing similar situations to mine.
I wish you the best – absolutely the best.
Thank you… just, thank you.
I love reading this blog but i don’t usually comment. However, Lindsay, I had to let you know that my jaw was dropped while reading this! Not only is my husband also color blind but we, too,talked about having children after one week. These similarities you could probably share with almost anyone though. The one that floored me…. Our 5 month old baby boy is named ‘Jack danger’! What are the odds? ! Anyhow, besides that i loved reading your story…. I laughed and cried right along with you! I’m very excited to see what happens next for you and i hope we get an update here if any more little Jack dangers make their way into the world!
This brought tears to my eyes. I can relate. My husband and I traveled a very difficult road to our two children, and I know from experience the heartbreak of attending baby showers and weathering announcement after announcement while it just isn’t happening for YOU. We went the IVF route and then opted for embryo adoption for our second child. I wish Lindsay and her husband all the best as they embark on their adoption journey. However it happens, and however long it takes, there will come a day when you are able to look back and smile as you hold your precious child and remember that old heartache. It will be a bittersweet, distant memory, displaced by the incredible joys and struggles of parenthood. It is worth every moment.
I’m not a mommy yet, though I desperately want to be. After three years of trying and too many fertility drugs, we are seeing an infertility specialist in October. I don’t know what will happen next, but I am so grateful Lindsay wrote this post. Thank you both for including non-mothers, for making us feel relevant and accepted and not-alone.
Also, I just love your babies. Your blog makes me so happy. I look forward to parenthood so much. 😀 Thanks for writing!
XO,
Lina
Thank you for sharing this journey. I wonder if they have by chance tried acupuncture?
My Chinese acupuncturist mentioned due to such positive results her clients are mainly those dealing with infertility. (She said 75-80%). If interested be sure to check for board certified practitioner (NCCAOM.org). I was passed this link from a friend who practices somewhere other than where we live. Best wishes!
This is a beautiful post! I LOVE every line. Mostly because it rings SO so true. We too– have been told by 3 drs that we have a 2% chance to conceive on our own.
I won’t say “I know how you feel” because every situation is different and well… it kind of sucked when people told me that when they didn’t know how I felt. But I will say I know it hurts, I know the tears, and I know it sucks. But I am thrilled and happy that you are on the way to getting your sweet baby. The process, however long and hard it may be, is helpful. Just doing something to get to the light is exciting!
Prayers of luck to you.
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