It’s been a long week, and I have a plane to catch later tonight to head to a friend’s wedding (I’m not packed!).
This week, I strongly felt the intensity of motherhood—a surge of all the dormant emotions and a nice song and dance from the ones that tend to stay steady. The worries, fear and guilt swelled, but so did the love, celebration and gratitude, so I guess it evened out in the end.
Next week, it will have been seven years since my “I want to be a mom when I grow up” dreams came true. I used to think about being a mom a lot—probably more than most kids. When other teenagers were hitting Gadzooks for some midriff-bearing shirts, I was circling what stroller I wanted someday in the JCPenney catalogue. I knew what I wanted to name my babies twenty-five years ago—Crystal, Star, Stacey and Scott. Hey, things change.
What I didn’t realize was what happens behind the storybook pages—underneath the strollers and the names and the “Mom” title. I didn’t know how deeply love could hurt, how much I’d be changed by it. I didn’t understand that there was a another character that complemented my mom’s feed-us, take-care-of-us, do-fun-stuff-with-us side we saw every day. That at night, she sometimes cried for us, prayed for us, worried about us, planned for us, examined and reexamined her choices, wondering if they were the right ones for us. As my kids get older—and really, probably more likely as I get older and learn more about the world—I understand this more. That motherhood is so much more than reading books and going for walks and having tickle fights on the bed. But the best way for me to process the intensity and the hard parts is to read books, go for walks and have tickle fights on the bed. We don’t draw chalk rainbows and hula-hoop in the driveway because we think life’s a big unicorn. We do it because we know it’s not. We accept that it’s hard, demanding, sad and lots of times confusing, so we bring the rainbows and hula-hoops. And we color and twist our hips like it’s our job.
The same goes for motherhood.
It is hard, it is exhausting, it pushes our limits, it pulls our emotions. So we lean in to all of it and draw fuel for the Ebb from the excess of the Flow.
Every time I face challenges in motherhood, whether it’s exhaustion, frustration or sadness, I run for the hula-hoop. Hitch up the stroller for a walk, cue the music for a kitchen dance, watch them chase each other around the kitchen island in fits of giggles, play airplane from our bed, sketch hopscotch squares in the driveway, pull them into my neck and smell their cheeks, kiss their foreheads, feel them breathe. It doesn’t make the challenges go away, but it smoothes the path to go through them.
Our mothers went before us and their mothers before them. And through every generation, each of them worried about their children, the world that awaited them and all the things that could happen. Look at us now. We’re here. We’re mothers. We made it. We’ll make it.
Happy Mother’s Day to all of you who ever loved someone, hoped for someone or picked out baby names years before they were due.
Happy Mother’s Day to the loving friends who support the moms.
Happy Mother’s Day to my own village—the beautiful women I am lucky to call mine.
And to my babies—Crystal, Star and Scott.
I love you so.
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There’s a lot of changing diapers and running out the door for preschool drop-offs in motherhood. But then are others–the moments that bring us to our knees. I’m over at BabyZone this week sharing some of those: 21 Raw Moments of Motherhood that Bring You To Your Knees.
My middle name is Star, I think it’s a pretty great choice.
When you say, “I love you so”, I say that all the time to my “Little’s” my Grandmother use to say that to us. Just brings tears to my eyes. Happy Mother’s day to all!
What a sweet, poignant post. My baby is now 31 but still my baby. It was and still is an honor to be his mother…the sweetest joy of life. Happy Mother’s Day Kelle to you and all the other Mom’s out there in cyber space and to those of you who have fulfilled your mothering instincts through your fur babies. Mother’s love is a sacred bond we all share.
Beautiful post. So true. Happy Mothers Day to you.
So perfect.
Just like always.
Have fun in NYC.
Kelle, this is a beautiful post. I hope you print a copy (or hand-write it out) for your children. xo
I made a whole album…you know the ones with the clear sticky paper that flaps over the cardboard page? It had flowers on it. I had everything planned out…my husband (who actually DID become my husband, even though we took a six year hiatus from 5th to 11th grade.), it had my car (a Ford Windstar), my house, three kids, a NANNY! Everything. I think its so weird because I really didn’t want to be a mom growing up. Just didn’t have this deep desire. But yes, things do change indeed. 🙂 Happy Mother’s Day!
You’re such a good momma Kelle. Happy Mother’s day!! Enjoy the wedding. We have two this summer.Can you believe my girls have never been to one!? Excited:-)
This is wonderful. Growing up I was known for my assertion that I would never have children. I loved being a big sister to all my siblings, but I found the noise level and constant bustle to be unsettling and imagined I’d be this career woman living in a big city. A quiet life of stylish solitude was what I craved. I wanted a husband, though.
One day it dawned on me that I yearned for a child to care for. I had dreams of breastfeeding and of a little boy sitting on my lap while I read him a book. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I would not be truly happy in my life without a child. Having my children has been the most humbling and healing experience of my life.
“And I can’t go back, and I don’t want to- cause all my mistakes brought me to you” -The Avett Brothers
Happy Mother’s Day, Kelle. xo
My FAVORITE post!!!!!
Oh Kelle- love it! I too named my kids..Tiffany and Calvin, back in the day. Your truly a great Mama….you inspire us all to love deeper, stronger, softer. Thank you-
Crystal:) aka theonionfarmerswife
My favorite line of everything I’ve read this week (and I read ALOT!!! :))… ” It doesn’t make the challenges go away, but it smoothes the path to go through them.”
You just described parenting teens. Thank you for the words. Happy Mother’s Day to you, Kelle!!! Your children are so blessed!
I am the mom of a special needs child as well. This is my favorite post of yours so far. It gets to the heart of what a mom may go through day in a day out without getting so overly descriptive or over-romantic about the situation My favorite line: “That motherhood is so much more than reading books and going for walks and having tickle fights on the bed. But the best way for me to process the intensity and the hard parts is to read books, go for walks and have tickle fights on the bed”.
My middle “baby,” (he’s 22!) moved from Michigan to Boston last fall for his first job; post college. This week he had a minor (thankfully!) car accident and I was aching to be there with him to help him through all the details it entailed. He did fine and we talked and sent text messages until all was clear, but the desire, want and need to be there for your kids never ends. No matter their age…or yours. Happy Mother’s Day!
Beautifully written. I have to say I’m so much closer to my mum since I had children. Suddenly I realized how much she feels for me (so much it does hurt at times) and how much she did, how much she must have worried, and got tired but carried on. I get it now because I have never loved so deeply, so much it hurts.
Happy mothers day lovely lady xxx
So beautifully written and so true. I was always one of those girls who wanted to do nothing but grow up and be a mama some day.
Hope your mother’s day is just lovely.
I wanted to post this over at Babyzone, but I’m not on Facebook, so couldn’t leave a comment, so here it is.
“Kelle! This is so, so good! My 2-year-old little man doesn’t love on his baby dolls, but on his stuffed animals. When he hugs Penguin and tells him, “Don’t cry. Shhhh. I lub you.” I couldn’t explain why that makes my heart swell. Thanks for putting it into words.”
I have pressed the wrong button and deleted my comment,grrr! So just to pass on that this is a lovely post Kelle. I too named my babies when I was about five! Sometimes you just know you were born to be a momma 🙂 x
Crystal was/is a great choice! 😉
In tears. BEAUTIFUL post!! I also spent my entire childhood playing house, and dreaming of being a mom of five. I had seven, and I could not possibly be any happier.
Happy Mother’s Day, Kelle.
Beautiful. I think you are amazing, real, beautiful and kind, Kelle. I feel honored to have met you. Happy, Happy Mother’s Day. Your 3 are beauties. Sarah xo
I knew reading your blog post would uplift me and refocus me onto what it is I should be focused on instead of the crumbs on the hardwood, dishes in the sink, crazy day to day schedule of PreK drop off & daycare for the baby..it’s about the unicorns and hulahoops! the neck kisses and tickle fights! Thank you…. motherhood is a gift…
“We don’t draw chalk rainbows and hula-hoop in the driveway because we think life’s a big unicorn. We do it because we know it’s not.”
I love this line, and this post was lovely. Happy Mothers Day!
wonderful mother’s day post kelle – honest. real. and so beautifully written. happy mother’s day! ♥
Speaking of Mother’s Day…
This is for all of the moms out there who don’t get enough appreciation:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Td3tZ0pzW8A
Feel free to embed it on your site – you have my permission.
Cheers,
Markus Allen
Editor & Publisher
May I ask you if you’ve decided to vaccinate all your kids?
I’m pregnant and I’m trying to decide…
Thanks,
Looks like someone needs a STACEY to complete the name list….just sayin’! 😉
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lets build some sites about mother. check this out
Thank you Kelle! Cheers to you too.
So beautiful! Very inspiring! After reading one of your posts, I always feel a surge of desire to be the best mom and child care provider that I can be! Thank you! 🙂
I named my future kids too. I was set on having three daughters. I wrote their names in the lid of a shoebox that I kept toys in. ‘Sparkle, Fireworks, and Roxanne.’ I was most definitely a child of the 80s.
Fast forward 25 years and God saw fit to give me only boys. I can only imagine why. 🙂
X
X
Oh Kelle, how I needed your words this morning. I have so much change about to happen and I’m worried about what walking my babies through it. It’s all good change, but we’re a sensitive little crew. For so many years, it was all about me and getting myself through hardships. Now my girls are my focus. Thank you for the reminder that they need unicorns in the midst of storms. I’m a unicorn provider, bubble blower, laughter inducer for these babies. Because joy is found everywhere because you make it.
XOXO,
Gloria and Isabella’s, (now Darby and Lucy), mom
True.
I hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Loved this post as always. But you know the best part is your reflection in that first pic of the girls, right? That’s a mom – always there. Think you don’t see her? Feel her? Look again. There she is through the glass. Love that pic.
Oh, how I’ve missed you! I’ve been sans IG/FB for about 2 months and I’ve missed your kind words and pictures. Blessings to you and yours. I found the link to your blog through a Pinterest link-love that I could recognize your sweet girls’ face and know that instant. Your little man is getting so darn big!! God Bless Kelle!! Rachel~South Dakota