Sharing another voice here today, so cozy up. Pillows, coffee, coconut cake. Whatever it takes.
I’d like you to meet Chrissy Kelly. Introduced through some mutual connections, Chrissy and I e-mailed back and forth a few times this year until we finally met in person at Write Doe Bay on Orcas Island in April–first with an introductory hug over drinks and music and later that night in her cabin with a much tighter hug and a string of funny stories. Chrissy is warm and funny with a God-given gift for making people feel seen and heard. She also writes (at Life With Greyson & Parker), takes beautiful pictures, shares the journey of raising children with special needs and celebrates a life with a half-full glass (clink!).
I love that when you click on her blog, it says in bold letters at the top: A Blog Changing the World.
I wrote her today: “I love that your blog says ‘a blog changing the world’. That’s ownership. The people who will truly change the world are the ones who aren’t afraid to say ‘I’m changing the world.'”
She wrote back: “Do you know what’s funny? It used to say ‘A Blog TRYING to Change the World. But one day–after over a year of writing–I realized how easy it is to change just one world and therefore change the whole wide world. I know because kind people and teachers and moms have changed mine.”
Amen to that.
Thank you for bringing your world-changing voice to this space today, Chrissy.
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The End of the World, The Beginning of a New One
Chrissy Kelly
I’ve always been a glass half full kind of gal. Sometimes the hope for a silver lining is the only thing that shines brightly enough to lead the way. That tiny flicker of light – that hope – was all I had on my first steps as a mother. I was so unrelentingly bad at first – and no matter how hard I tried, the power of positive thinking was not making me a better mom. Everything overwhelmed me – midnight diaper changes, sleepless nights, whatever the hell swaddling was – I was terrible at all of it. Nursing refused to come naturally – my boob was supposed to keep another human alive? My son Greyson cried every single time I pulled a onesie over his head and every time I placed him in his car seat. The moments I actually did something right seemed separated by days in a row of doing everything wrong.
I’ve tried and failed and quit plenty of things in my life – learning to play the guitar, painting, running. But children aren’t a pair of roller blades you can hide in the closet after you’ve fallen down for the 1,000th time – I really didn’t have any other choice but to keep at it, imperfectly and with love. And it was hard at first, to love something at which I was just so incredibly inept- that was new for me. But I loved so big that I didn’t mind the fact that my mothering instinct didn’t kick in right away. I was willing to try and learn for the most amazing little boy in the world. And after so (SO) many mistakes, mothering became my sea salt and caramel. A buzzing Friday afternoon and a Saturday sleep-in. I loved it and hated it. I was amazing and terrible – always at the same time. I focused on what I was good at and worked to let go of feelings of doubt and inadequacy. It never came anywhere close to flawless, but there came a time when I finally felt confident in the rhythm Greyson and I established. Motherhood made me realize the only weapon I had against my human imperfection was perspective.
A couple of years after we welcomed Greyson into the world, I had another little beautiful boy named Parker. This time, everything was much more straightforward. I was a whiz at onesies, car seats and nursing. I never did master that darn swaddle (has anyone but the amazing hospital nurses?), but I was much more forgiving with my shortcomings. My allowance for my imperfections didn’t give them the power to hold me back.
Then, just as I started to feel comfortable in this new world with two itty bitties, it became evident that my first-born son Greyson had autism. I felt like it was the end of the world. And in so many ways, it was. I constantly shook with fear. I wanted to stay in bed all day. I cried my eyes swollen and ate only so I could nurse baby Parker. I desperately searched all over for something or someone who could promise I would laugh again, but I couldn’t find it. The life we had created, our happy and imperfect little world, had shattered. In its place was a mysterious but surely tormenting future full of questions I could barely ask let alone answer: What will happen to Greyson? Will he go to college? Live on his own? Will my son ever find love?
Life had to keep going. Like no-other-options had to keep going. I read everything I could on autism. I had to start Greyson on every therapy and change his diet and get my PhD in Early Childhood Development. I was a beginner AGAIN in this new world of Special Needs. This, combined with the terrifying future I couldn’t stop thinking about, was too much to cope with, and I found myself quickly moving towards a different, parallel world. I constantly imagined what life would look like if Greyson didn’t have autism. In this corresponding daydream everything was just right and easy. Parallel Greyson asked me for second helpings of pancakes and called me mama and haggled for later bedtimes, melting me with his big beautiful eyes while asking for one more drink of water. Parallel Greyson doesn’t have to go be in Speech Therapy right now, I would think. We’re at the zoo with the rest of our friends. I imagined our days free of schedules, tantrums and tears. Parallel Greyson (and Parallel Chrissy) tortured me constantly, smugly rubbing my nose in their perfect, unencumbered world before then reminding me how terrible I was for even imagining them in the first place.
And then one day I remembered my good old friend and my greatest strength: perspective. It had been missing for so long that I thought it was gone forever. I missed it so much. I thought about how I would feel if my husband Michael was constantly wishing me to be someone else. To be something else. Things I couldn’t ever be – like taller or a better cook. (Trust me, I’ve been working on that one forever. This is as good as it’s going to get, folks.) I thought about how horrible that must feel, to be compared constantly to what I am not through absolutely no fault of my own. I thought about how mean that would make him for even considering the comparison. I love Greyson more than anything, and I want to be the good in his life, not the scowling pessimist I felt like I had become. I knew right then we had to move again. We’d made it through the end of the world, but this parallel world was no place to raise two little boys with Special Needs- aka Super Powers, either.
One day, a few months after Greyson was officially diagnosed with autism, we made our final journey into the real world. The dull pain of staying the same was hurting so much more than the sharp stabs I felt moving forward. I was ready to fully mourn and let go of the child I expected to have in my head. I was ready to stop the comparisons and the what-if daydreams. I was officially ready to fully accept, without any conditions, the real and beautiful boy God had given me – the one lining up his toy cars on the living room floor and wailing when he didn’t want to put his shirt back on, the one spitting- just to watch it’s trajectory off our balcony and jumping with everything he’s got on our tiny little trampoline. I realized I need him to teach me the world so much more than he needs me.
Although his actual birthday is in June, one day in August five months after he was diagnosed, I decided to celebrate Greyson’s birth and the boy he actually is. He is my wildest dream come true, and I needed to honor that for all the goodness it holds. We went down to the winding San Joaquin River near our home in the Central Valley of California as an act of baptism. We waded through the cool waters, a stark contrast to the stifling heat, and I fully committed to let go of the comparisons. I vowed to kick my addiction to the parallel world. I was finally willing to love and accept our actual life and all the gifts I have been given, to wash away all the other worlds through which I’d stumbled through- and needed at the time, and to give thanks for the very real world in which I was a proud mother bursting with nothing but love for her beautiful sons.
Just last month my youngest son Parker was officially diagnosed with autism. Although I kind of always knew, it still stung. It was hard, but as with Mom-ing, it’s been much easier for us the second time around. I never had any other expectations about who I thought Parker would be and I love him just the way he is. There was no Parallel Parker poisoning my imagination – there was only the teeny blond boy with the puppet mouth who falls into our favorite frog pond every now and then. If I could wave a magic wand and take both boys’ autism away, I would. But since I can’t, I focus on reality. I’m committed to living in the real world. Don’t mistake this assurance to mean I do this perfect now or never take a tiny little trip back through any of our old worlds sometimes. I just know what’s important to me, and I know what makes me happy- this is decidedly it.
The best gift you can give your child is the gift of a happy you. Happiness must begin with you, so I work hard at it. Some days REALLY hard because it’s not coming naturally. I’ve realized in life, the happier I am, the more happiness I can also create and then share. I do everything I can think of to live in the present, deeply rooted in the reality of today. I also focus on the many blessings we never would have known had we not been on this path. We’ve had astonishing experiences and have met so many remarkable people along the way. My boys love the trash truck, and our garbage man Frank waits until he gets to our house to take his lunch break. He loves my boys as much as they love the truck- which is a heck of a lot.
I’d never expected a trash collector to have such a profound impact on my life. In fact, almost everything about motherhood often surprises me with good. The jarring discrepancy between my expectations and my daily life used to paralyze me with fear. “I’m doing this wrong,” I’d tell myself. And in reality, I was- it was just a matter of perspective. Now I look at my two itty-bitties, absolutely perfect in their imperfections. They could never be wrong. They, like all of us, simply need to be loved for who they truly are.
The end of the world doesn’t have to be bad, I’ve discovered. Sometimes it just means it’s the beginning of a new one.
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Read more of Chrissy on her blog: Life With Greyson & Parker
Connect with Chrissy on Facebook.
Find her on Instagram: @lifewithgrey
Jess says
Wise words! It IS hard being a mama,our kids don’t come with sets of instructions,do they! But boy don’t they teach us so much more than we teach them! Lovely post x
Wendy says
This is so good and such an important message to share. Thank you. xo
Angela J. Kim says
As another mom of a special needs girl, these words resonate deep in my soul. I’m need of connection with such mothers. After suffering alone in silence for nearly 9 years, I finally wrote my story and posted on facebook. Until now, only close friends knew about my daughter’s condition. I remember having feelings similar to an anxiety attack until this moment. Then with one click, everything was out in the open. My imperfections, my struggles, everything I tried so hard to hide. 3 days later, I feel like I finally found my soul and voice.
I’d love to connect with other moms. Please read my story and share yours!
http:// http://www.mommy-diary.com
Katrina Watters says
A beautiful essay by an amazing woman! I’m so thankful for women like you and Chrissy who share their gifts of writing. Chrissy often articulates the things I feel as the mom of a child with ASD – it is often a relief to feel like someone knows how to put into words all the stuff that just lives in your head. Thanks for helping the world know her, Kelle.
Briseidy says
thank you for sharing this story! Your boys are beautiful!
Krysten says
Truly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Merritt says
I love this. So often we think of “the end” with such negative connotation but it doesn’t have to be that way as you point out. Keep on writing and changing the world Chrissy!
Olivia Rickelman says
WOW! Thank you for sharing this amazing post! So much of what Chrissy talks about hits home for me. She tells it how it is and talks about the things we are all thinking, but would’t express aloud. I love when she says, “the only weapon I had against my human imperfection was perspective”. She hit the nail on the head. Having a positive outlook, learning from obstacles, and focusing on what is important in life brings growth and happiness. Thank you for your words Chrissy…you really are CHANGING THE WORLD 🙂
Unknown says
Chrissy is amazing!!! I read every single one of her blog posts, and I swear she has encouraged me to become more of a “glass half full” kind of gal. The result is wonderful. I’m realistic, yet have HOPE in my life too. For that I am forever grateful to her. Keep writing and loving Chrissy! You are an inspiration to moms with ASD kidlets everywhere. xoxo
Michelle Downs says
I love Chrissy and read her blog everyday. a very wise and brave woman!
Tammi says
Love seeing Chrissy’s words shared on your blog, Kelle. My favorite line: “Motherhood made me realize the only weapon I had against my human imperfection was perspective.” Bingo. xoxo
CSB says
That was really great – loved the last few paragraphs especially. I will remember these words.
Gorgeous kids and story – thank you for sharing!
Kris says
I found Chrissy’s blog a few months ago through an IG post and I am so glad I did. She’s amazing… and her two little boys? Perfection!
6512 and growing says
Brave Mama. Beautiful words.
Claudia Flores says
Hey, I know her, but don’t really know her. We live in the same town actually. She & her sons were featured in our local paper with the garbage truck driver. It was an amazing story.
jeshiko says
Chrissy my two youngest boys have autism too 🙂 they are 6 and 4. We also have an 8 year old son and a little girl due in about 5 weeks. My blog is http://www.vikingbrosinkilts.blogspot.co.nz
My Life. My Stuff. says
I saw the news video about Frank and this family 🙂 What a wonderful story.
Kellie says
This is beautiful and SO FULL OF WISDOM…whether you have a child with special needs or not. Thank you for sharing your story and those amazing little boys with us!
Lynn Richards says
A beautifully written, stunning post that reminds even those of us (like me) who have been parenting special needs kids a long time what beauty there is in our world.
Selby says
Beautifully written- thanks for sharing your wisdom.
Lori says
Chrissy is an articulate–and SMART woman and her boys are beautiful! TY for sharing and for reminding us of the value of perspective!
Kelle, just wanted to say to YOU that I purchased “Bloom” yesterday and have hardly been able to put it down! Beautiful–and, like Chrissy’s post. full of perspective!
Barn Owl Primitives says
keep changing the world, Chrissy! it’s a better place because of brave and strong people like you! love you!! xoxo
Kimmy says
Well said. I love how you said “the best gift you can give your kids is a happy you.” I agree. You make a great point when you said ,”how would you feel if your husband kept wishing you were someone else.” You really made some good points, mad me stop and think. Your perspective is great. Best wishes and thank you.
Betsi* says
So beautifully written. I remember when I had to shut the door on my “should have been” world too. Such a hard but important lesson.
And if I may, here’s a little perspective, from further down the road. I have four boys. My older two, aged 14 and 11 have autism. My third born has severe ADHD and developmental delays.
It gets better.
Early intervention and passion and patience, and most of all acceptance, have brought us into a wide open, fruitful country. My boys do chores, they are doing great in school, they have FRIENDS. Both with special needs and neurotypical. There are less tantrums. There is better communication. They are blossoming.
Keep up the great work.
Wendy McDonagh-Valentine says
I have so many different emotions going thru my mind right now. What an amazing mom Chrissy is. It’s difficult to admit what we consider our faults at the risk of being judged. Her boys are so beautiful and you can tell by their big smiles that she’s doing a wonderful job with them. I didn’t get teary eyed until the end when she wrote about the trash collector. There are angels on earth everywhere and you just never know when one will appear in your life when and where you least expect them to. It’s the Universe working its magic. : )
~ Wendy
Beth says
Love, love, love Chrissy!
Erica Julkowski says
I love Chrissy’s blog … Thank you for featuring her!
Erica
Mommyerica.com
Reenie says
Beautiful…
Stacey says
What an amazing, beautiful post! Your little boys are beautiful, and I love their long hair! And I have to say I LOVE their names…my 5 year old little boy is named Grayson Parker!!
Kelly Cach says
Whoosh!!! That was POWERFUL!
Kelsey says
Thank you for sharing. Our youngest has autism and we went through much of what you describe here. Our little Griffin, 3, has been in ABA for 5 months and is doing awesome. I’m not sure we could love him more. Your magic wand remark really hit close to home. Thank you for your honesty.
Mommy K says
Kelly, I wanted to share with you how your family has affected my family. Our daughter was born with special needs just months before your daughter. I watched your blog for a few years until life got busy and I stopped blogging altogether with random updates here and there. Well, we have a update that I would love to share with you… We are in the process of adopting a little girl with Down Syndrome. And your family and blog have played a small part in God guiding us to this path! I would love for you to come over to my blog and read our update! Blessings to your family! http://mommykellogg.blogspot.com/2014/06/announcement.html
nicole says
Such a beautiful and touching story! I had tears in my eyes reading it.
~ Nicole
http://bumpsandbeginnings.blogspot.com
Anne Callen says
What a beautiful family you have!!!..
Also loving your blog 🙂
Anna Callen
Cheeksandtoez says
Thank you for sharing this amazing post. Hope readers will like it. I really appreciate for putting such efforts.