I gained a year of life this weekend.
Brett and I joined part of his family for a weekend in Washington D.C., without kids—a first ever for us. And while it might make sense that three days away from the hectic life of kids could actually add a year of life, that’s not where I gained my year. Huddled over martinis in a cozy hotel bar the other night, the topic of age came up when I laughed and said something about being 37.
“You mean 36,” Brett corrected.
“No, I’m 37,” I answered.
“No, you’re not. You’re 36, Kelle.”
Absolutely convinced I was 37—I’ve told several people that was my age, wrote it on forms this year, believed it to the core—I started verbally doing the math, anxious to prove him wrong.
“Let’s see, if you were born in ’78,” my mother-in-law said, “then ’88, ’98, ’08—that’s thirty…”
“Plus December of ’09, ’10—” I smirked and counted with my fingers, my know-it-all tone swelling as I got closer to the part where I was proven right. “—’11, ’12, ’13, ’14…” I stopped, confused. “Oh my God, I’m 36.”
Everyone at the table laughed while I sat bewildered for a bit, unable to decide if I was happy that I wasn’t as old as I thought I was or disheartened by the fact that I’m old enough not to remember anymore. I said yes to another cocktail, splurged on the parmesan fries and joked “it’s not every day you find out you gained a whole year of life.”
I guess somewhere this year, I just lost track, so caught up in the current of daily routines, the needs of our kids that pulse louder now, work, hobbies, stresses—that one day I woke up and forgot how old I was.
What else gets swallowed up in that current?
I don’t blog a lot about marriage because it’s tricky to fairly handle its complexities on a blog, but I can—with Brett’s permission, who read this before I published it—say that our marriage easily and frequently gets swallowed up in that current. The thrill of the little family we were merging and growing ten years ago has been joined by a multitude of differences we didn’t realize would be so prominent, and the swoony baby years are quickly fading, heading into the hard stuff—the weathering years—where the sight of Brett rocking our babies to sleep, their tiny hands curled around his finger is no longer available for a defibrillating “Oh my God, I’m so in love with him” (and I’m sure he can the same about me).
“More alike than different” has become my mantra—for my daughter, for women, for the dire need our society bleeds with all this fighting and comparing and inequality—and yet what our marriage often feels like is “more different than alike.”
This story doesn’t tidy up with a cute little bow, and our weekend without the kids doesn’t end in some cliché rekindled romance. We didn’t make out like teenagers even though we had our own hotel room, he still slept in on mornings while I woke up early and ran, and our interests didn’t magically suddenly align. But we did walk. A lot. Together, holding hands, up K Street, through busy Georgetown crowds, touring the Smithsonian, together feeling small standing below the enormity of the Lincoln Memorial. And among all those differences, all the changes and challenges our marriage has endured over the past several years, the fact that we were there, walking, holding hands, bound by our stories, our family, our deep friendship and a love that is messily evolving—felt enough.
Our marriage is not one of those sweet relationships you see on Facebook where couples write sappy things to each other, so smitten by love that it oozes onto the screen. That’s just not us. And while I believe there are many things we can do to strengthen our marriage, I also believe that there are lots of different ways to be married and show love, and that withstanding the less-than-thrilling parts with someone you truly love and want to stay married to means expanding your perception of marriage, beyond swoony baby scenes and movie romance and poetic proclamations posted on Facebook. Sometimes, lots of times, for us it looks like holding hands on a long walk through chilly streets. There is still lots of room to grow. I’m only 36 after all.
*Note: Marriage and relationships look and function differently for so many people. I continue to learn so much about relationships and love, both for my husband & family and for myself, through the strong women I’m lucky to know in real life–some single, some in loving relationships, some who left marriages for a much more love-filled life.
I’m eager to have more conversations about marriage, and I know many of you are too. I love learning from others’ stories and appreciate different viewpoints, but please refrain from condemning marriage advice in the comments. Feel free to talk about your own marriages though!
Thinking is difficult. That’s why most people judge. ~Carl Jung
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Also, I must add that the real reason we were in Washington D.C. was to celebrate Brett’s dad who had the tremendous honor of being recognized at the Smithsonian for his nature photography. His photo, Lion, Okavanga Delta in Botswana, is currently hanging in the Nature’s Best Photography Windland Smith Rice Award Gallery at the Smithsonian Natural History Museum. We are so proud of his work and this accomplishment and are grateful we had the opportunity of sharing it with him.
Tina says
I was married to the man I fell in love with at the age of 18. I left him after 13 years together and spent nearly a year exploring who I actually was because I had lost myself in him. Then, when I had nearly given up on the idea of dating, I met John. We have things in common, but we also have many, many differences. The key to what makes us work is mutual respect and love. I finally found a partner in life. Instead of depending on the other person to be our sources of happiness, we now find ourselves sharing the happiness we create for ourselves with the other person. I’m excited to say that we are expecting our first little in March. I’ve yearned for motherhood since I was very young, but I’m so glad that I waited until now, until I found my real match to make this little dream come true. We’re engaged with plans to be married before the baby comes, but I enter into this union with much more open eyes than I did my first. I’m incredibly excited.
Julie c says
I love you 🙂 thank you so much for your marriage truth… so many of us are in the same season of life, it’s refreshing to hear truth telling! also, I am glad to know I’m not the only one that forgets my age! I turned 38 in august and still have to think about how old I am! 4 kids in 6 years will do that to a sister! 😉
Sarah C says
I think people need to hear more stories like yours. Real stories of what marriage–through thick and thin–looks like. I’m completely committed to my own marriage, and yet it doesn’t look like our first early, newlywed years either. The fireworks, butterflies, and lightening bolts have quieted down. But I wouldn’t choose anyone else to walk through life with.
Shauna says
After 12 years of marriage and 4 kids later I finally feel like we are feeling marital bliss. Not that it was ever bad (maybe the 1st year) but now disagreements are handled swiftly and expertly, service is given whole heartedly, and empathy flows freely. We are rockin this and it feels good, even amazing!!! It feels like we were always committed to becoming better and now we are beginning to feel it’s sweetest rewards. Isn’t marriage great?
Karaleen says
OH my…YES!!!! We are coming up on our 10th year of marriage, two kids, two full time stressful jobs, school, sports, life!!! I totally get what you are saying here. I am actually ridiculously lucky to have found a great fit for a husband….I think we are an amazing team. But we are not the Facebook couple either. He doesn’t even have FB…I kind of represent for the whole family. I am a bit of a swooner for him though….but he is not…publicly anyway (in private he is all swoony). But like you said….sometimes marriage can get kind of swallowed up by kids, jobs, housework, etc. We try our best to make sure we get dates, quiet moments together and lots and lots of hand holding. In the car, while we watch TV. There is just something about hand holding that makes you feel silently loved and accepted. I never realized that until I met my husband who loves to hold hands. And now our kids do it too.
I love marriage..and not just because the one I am in makes me happy and I think it works. I was married before and even though that went sour…I still loved marriage…what it stands for, what it can be and what it can do. I feel people need companionship and commitment and marriage can do that. That doesn’t mean it has to look the same for everyone. I have never seen any marriage look like the next. I think we all have different things that make us feel loved, safe and happy. I love that my husband brings me coffee in bed every single day…seriously…EVERY DAY!!!! He loves that I always always let him control the radio in the car….yes..ALWAYS!!! Not once in over a decade have I ever gotten to choose the radio, CD, etc. Not one time. And he loves and appreciates that. These are stupid little things to others….but oh so indicative of “our” relationship. I have a passion for coffee and the inability to be pleasant without it in the morning…. He has a passion (dare I say addiction) to talk radio and country music and I know he will be cranky listening to adele or some of my crazy new wave stuff. So we both do these little things for each other as a daily show of affection and sacrifice. Yes…there are much bigger things that come along every now and again….but what keeps us going on a daily basis are the tiny little daily things. Because even if my day goes terribly and we bicker of something stupid….he brought me coffee that morning, will do the same the next morning and I will quietly daydream out the window while he listens to talk radio. It just works! Hail to marriage!
kd
Holly says
Love all of that!
RG says
Grrrrrrrl. I have to do the same math- I was born the same year as you, too, just a month or two earlier! Literally every time someone asks, I have to mentally calculate. I take it as a good thing – I’m no longer obsessed with age. Or something. Bring on 40, and all the dead brains cells that will surely accompany it, and all the confidence that lets me stumble through the world brain-dead but not self-conscious.
As for marriage – I read this once, and I loved it. Perhaps it will nourish you, too. I believe this was attributed to Madeleine L’Engle, though I have not personally cite-checked it! We just celebrated 9 years, and feel the currents working to pull us under just like you do. You grabbed yourself a life preserver with this DC trip – good for you. Or rather, the both of you grabbed it together.
“No long-term marriage is made easily, and there have been times when I’ve been so angry or so hurt that I thought my love would never recover. And then, in the midst of near despair, something has happened beneath the surface. A bright little flashing fish of hope has flicked silver fins and the water is bright and suddenly I am returned to a state of love again — till next time. I’ve learned that there will always be a next time, and that I will submerge in darkness and misery, but that I won’t stay submerged. And each time something has been learned under the waters; something has been gained; and a new kind of love has grown. The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed.”
Diana l. says
We are almost at 25 years. I’m not sure how that happened! We met, were engaged and married inside 6 months. And we couldn’t be different. But as different as we are, we choose to love each other each and every morning. We fight, but not often, and because we pray together before each meal we share – the fights never last long. It’s pretty hard to pray with someone you don’t want to talk too! ????
We are one of those couples who people think are still newly weds. We still date, flirt and genuinely enjoy and entertain each other. We still hold hands each time we walk together. We are each other’s biggest cheerleaders. But, we make each other nuts with the little things too, but the daily choice to love overrides the frustrations everytime.
MK says
I’m laughing because after I hit send on my “I need this spark” email to you and Claire, I realized I had written that I was 31 when I was very much still 30.
Lovely post. I think it’s important to foster your marriage, whatever that looks like to (the general) you. It’s easy to get caught up in what that’s “supposed” to look like.
Chrissy says
I have lots more friends with marriages that resemble this than those who have the overly sweet FB marriages! Marriage is hard work and I think anyone who doesn’t believe that has never BEEN married. For me, it’s remaining married even when you don’t like the person anymore … but still LOVE him. If that makes any sense …
Andrea says
Wowza. So comforting to hear something that makes me feel normal. I’ve felt like I’ve failed. I’m not even married; but have been dating (and live with) someone nearing 6 years now. So many days highlight our differences, and I feel that I’ve lost sight that this is normal- that we are ok. That THIS is ok, the way we are doing “us”. Thank you for the reminder- sometimes love can be a lonely and confusing place when you get too in your own head.
Congrats to your father-in-law. I live in DC; so I’ll have to make a point to go see the exhibit and his work!
Lynn says
I loved this! I also “date” and live with someone for six years. Agree, sometimes love can be lonely and confusing and the best place for me is never in my own head’nn
CMB says
Reminds me a bit of my marriage…my husband and I are SO different, but we each push each other to do things out of our comfort zone – he pushes me to say yes to going out more and I push him to stay home more – it works for us. I also feel like I learn more about him the longer we are together – which is exciting to me – so that it doesn’t get boring too soon 🙂 Your time away looks like it did you much good and thank you for your honesty about “real life” 🙂
Carrie says
Love this. So honest and true.
I am the same age and just this year had to REALLY think about the number when someone asked my age. But that is what it is. Just a number. The meaning of age is so much more. Watched a great conversation between Kate and Christiane Northrup about this topic. Age can be many things… mental age, physical age, emotional age. Dr. Northrup said we should celebrate our astrological birthday, not our chronological birthday… celebrate another journey around the sun not another calendar year older. Life (and marriage too) is about the journey. Embrace the journey.
Jess says
Thank you for this one. We’ve got 3 kids in single digits, two full time jobs & too many bills. Usually our marriage hums along nicely despite the neglect we show it, but sometimes it feels very fragile. Here’s to hanging on!
Lynn says
Appreciate your candor about marriage. Especially liked your observation about those couples on Facebook who actually make me want to throw up…marriage, like everything else worthwhile is work and a journey. Loved your post!
Carrie g says
36 is about the age that I lost track of how old I was too. Three babies for me too! Pretty sure I’m 38, soon to be 39. ☺️
Natasha says
We have just celebrated our 10th year of marriage! We cannot believe how fast the time has gone, and how strong we have become together – we have three little boys who test us every day, we lost our daughter two years ago and that has brought us together as a couple and made us stronger (although we still feel weak when we think of the life we are missing without her 🙁 ). We have renovated three houses and support each other financially and mentally. I cannot imagine my life without him, and it scares me that maybe one day I will have to face it, but if that time comes, I know we have a deep well of memories to draw on.
When we celebrated this special anniversary, we had a weekend away from ‘life’ and I have always worried we would fall into the trap of having nothing to talk about but the kids, work and home life, but the weekend flew past with giggling, holding hands and telling stories, it was like we were newly married! Of course we are parents first, but its nice to know that we can be a couple too and when the boys have flown the nest we will still have each other and conversation!
Lauren says
Wait I’m confused. 2015-1978 = 37. My husband is a ’78 baby too, and he turned 37 this year. Where am I missing something???
Krysti says
It’s not December yet…
Dee says
I believe her bday is in Dec. so she will be 37 then.
Karol Holmes says
I too tend to stay away from blogging about marriage because……well because marriage tends to be messy. Our marriage has been marked by so much hard stuff that there’s simply no room for disillusionment. We’re together for better or for worse and the truth is, there’s alot of “worse.” We recently celebrated 25 and I wrote this http://karolholmes.blogspot.com/2015/10/25-years-and-growing.html blog post in honor of it. In January we are going for our first ever “just the two of us” trip. I’m not even sure I know how to travel without kids. Is it hard to do???
Mary says
I read your blog, and it was amazing. Thank you. I am one year into marriage– but I am already seeing how pain can bond hearts together and how choosing each other even when you don’t think you can anymore results in so much good. You have a beautiful love story and I’m thankful you shared it!
Linda says
OH, I needed to read this today. I am MUCH older than you, but have been married just a couple of years to my best friend. However, we are most often more different than alike and sometimes that gets messy—-like yesterday and last night. Thanks for reminding me that marriages can look different at various stages (and even days) in our life and still be way worth it!!
Melanie says
I have mentioned a few times that me and my husband, married 8 years now, have been having a rough year. A wise friend shared with me this nugget that has shed some light, we marry people for who they are (which is always someone who has some differences from us) then we quickly try to turn them into ourselves, rather than celebrating and appreciating what their differences bring into the relationship. Love your marriage thoughts!
Beth craver says
I still stand by Gweneth Paltrow’s belief that you fall in and out of love lots of times throughout your marriage. That being said, I find myself feeling a bit melancholy at your post because I so want yours and mine and everyone’s marriage to be bursting at the seams with sticky sweet love (like my parents 45 + union really is) mine isn’t though, and I find myself trading stories with my girlfriends of how it falls short of the fairytale much more often than I find myself staring into my darling husband’s eyes over a crackling fire all sixteen candles like….but I have a best friend, a life partner and an amazing father to my children. I’d trade that for fireworks any day of the week.
Beth craver says
Yikes! WOULDNT trade. Lol
Kelle says
That made me laugh. Yes, I know what you meant but funny to go back and read it the other way.
Michelle says
Oh, Kelle…you’re so adorable (and I truly mean that in a non-condescending way).
I’ve given an older age a few times in the last year and when I realize i’m a year younger I am relieved. 🙂
It’s so generous of you to share parts of your marriage with others. I know it’s appreciated and helpful to so many who feel “less than” when faced with the cutesy, seemingly perfect Facebook marriage tidbits.
xoxo
Aimee says
I am 31 and have been married to my college sweetheart for 9 years. Our marriage is one that I a jagged path of peaks and valleys. We started right after my cancer diagnosis and needing to relearn each other.
Baby 1 came with surprise DNA. Baby 2 came with the same surprise and the added knowledge that we cannot have healthy babies because of me.
It’s been a long road, one that feels like quicksand at times. But we’re committed to doing this together and we are still here learning how to fall in love with each other despite the circumstances.
Amy says
Thank you for keeping things real here and making some of us feel normal in our marriages. I find it’s easy to write candidly about motherhood, but marriage … not so much since it affects our partners as well. I’m 8+ years into my marriage, with 2 kids. We are just now beginning to come out of the baby phase and have more time for us, but I’m finding that with all that new space comes a need to re-explore who we are as a couple.(And we are not the heart-eyed-emoji’ed Facebook couple 🙂
Rae says
7 years in to my marriage, two preschoolers 18 months apart, shift work, extended family complexities etc, and we both are just keeping our heads above water. Sometimes we remember to hold hands and float together, sometimes we forget and let go. it’s when we let go that we start to sink. 7 years in and it’s not the big gestures that bind us together, its the fact that he makes me stove top coffee every morning while I get the kids sorted, and the entwining of feet when we fall back into bed after yet another coughing fit from our son at 4am. Those things remind me that we are bound together.
Marisa says
Thank you for writing this.
Southern Gal says
Good, solid truth about marriage. It’s hard work! We just celebrated 35 years, have two married children, one 13yo son still at home, and three grandchildren. I love the place we’re in now. It still takes lots of work, but it’s so worth it. (We aren’t sappy either. We know each other so well, it only takes a look to know what the other is thinking. ;))
Kelle says
I swooning over the baby in your profile pic. I take it that’s one of your sweet grandbabies. Precious!
Sara says
I never got to be 35 years old. My kids told me I was 36 and I just believed them…until the next birthday when I thought I was turning 37, and lo and behold I was turning 36! Completely unfair! 🙂
Growing up I never understood how people didn’t know how old they were… Ha!
I’ve been married 20 years and it’s been great, but never easy! 🙂
Kelly says
I’m 43, but the other day I swore up & down that I was 44. 🙂
Oh marriage. It’s a wild & crazy ride that has given me great highs & desperate lows. Life is good at the moment, we’re holding steady in a happy place. These are the days I will think upon when hard times come around again. I’m not being negative…it’s actually a positive thing for me to acknowledge that there will be tough days ahead if we expect this gig to last forever. 17 years & counting.
Thanks for this post. <3
Sheila says
I feel like I could write your post. My husband and I just got back from a week(!!) away for his 40th bday. I had been planning it for years and we had a great time together. But there were many times when I found we had nothing new to say to each other. I guess that happens when you aren’t around your kids! And no it wasn’t magical but it was great to be just 2 for a short time.
Christina K. Rambo says
What is it about 36. I’m not even joking I did the exact same thing at 36. I told everyone I was 37. My husband had to set me straight!
Marriage is a lot of work, but it is good to work hard. That is all.
Jennifer says
Love you, Kelle! I am a 78er too and there is something about 36,37,38… I think it is because we are so busy and wrapped up in our crazy busy beautiful lives we don’t give age more than a passing thought. How wonderful…
Best wishes to you and Brett. Love the honest post.
My parents divorced when I was 13 so even though I have my dream man- the guy I thought was too good for me- and then after 3 years of dating other guys that never measured up we both were single and I thought “why not? You only live once, go for him, do not fear” we had the fireworks, walk on air feeling- for 6 years it was bliss. Now after 12 years and 2 kids, we sometimes disagree and have little spats and I can see some flaws more clearly- (although I still have this sense of amazement he is my partner). Because of my parents acrimonious divorce I carry with me “this could all shatter at any moment”. But I kind of like imperfection- fingerprints on windows, and messy tales of life. We all are growing, loving and becoming better. It might not be fireworks everyday but we have created a messy piece of art that is bold, and unique to us, and it gets new layers added daily. I never go through a day without appreciating what I have maybe because I realize it can all change in an instant. And I love how you appreciate Brett, despite the differences. Thank you for bringing this all into focus with your post. I love your writing.
Anj says
After being together 17 years together (13 of which we have spent married), my husband and I have had incredible ups and downs. In the less than stellar moments, I remind myself that there are very few people who could live with each other day in and day out, year after year, without clashing, arguing and seriously disliking each other at times. All-in-all, we love and admire each other, and choose every day to honor the commitment we made to each other. Do we look anything as a couple like we did the first few years we were dating? No way! Who can keep up that sickening lovey-dovey-ness for 17 years, anyway??
Btw, ’78 baby here, too! I turned 37 back in August. I no longer worry about the number.
Rachael says
I hope you are making space and time in your marriage for the two of you to remember why you got married in the first place. Believe me, I know how hard it is to do that (married for 13 years with 5 kids and my husband is finishing his PhD, so we are tight on both money and time), but every 6 months, we go away for a couple of nights. It makes all the difference in the world, and has gotten us through some really rough patches where we are able to step back from our daily lives and realize that we are still the same people underneath, and that we’re on the same team. But it’s so vital to have time together away from everything else in order to do that (I am a big fan of weekly date nights, but my husband pretty much lives at his lab right now so we haven’t had those in a few years!).
Hang in there–and hang together.
Care says
I was talking with a close friend of mine recently when she said ‘well you know – we are 47’. We are 37 and she was quite serious lol!
Deb says
Thanks for keeping it real. We have a similar marriage. Always committed; not Facebook-gushy. We are so alike in some ways and then so very different. We’re not always holding hands. Sometimes it’s ugly; sometimes we’re not “feeling it.” But 17 years and 3 kids later, we’re still here, together, and we’re going to keep working at it and keep loving each other…ever notice how unconditional love seems a lot harder for your spouse than your kids? It’s not natural, it’s learned, but that’s okay.
Katie says
Love love love this post!! My husband and I have been married for 14 years and at the end of this month I will be turning 37. We too are not the couple who leave sappy posts on each other’s Facebook pages. I love my husband so much but like your marriage, we get lost in the shuffle of kids, activities, work, etc. While some days I dwell on it, other days I know that this will not always be the way of things. There will come a time where it will be just the two of us again and while that idea seems scary at times, it can also bring comfort in knowing life is always changing as are we.
Danielle says
I just did the same thing with my age! I was convinced I had just turned 33 and my sister was the one to point out I was 32! Glad I am not alone 😉
April says
11 years into marriage and we’ve already had a couple of really hard years. It was easier before kids. It just was. But our life is so much more full now that we have 2 kids. The key for me, at least, has been to work on myself first. Work on my selfish tendencies and be appreciative of my husband and all that he does. I also read, watch and listen to a lot of honest and life-giving discussions around staying married and being happy in your marriage.
“You have to say no to a lot of things that most people say yes to, to be able to say yes to something very few people have.” Craig Groeschel
Karen says
My first husband and I dated in high school and after college and trade school for him we married. For 3 years it was just the two of us, growing and learning and enjoying time not filled with children. Then our daughter was born and for several years it was the three of us, immersed in being parents, having a child, raising her the best way we know how. Seven years in his interests moved and shifted to things that didn’t include me. It was okay. I had our daughter to do Girl Scouts with, and shopping, and doing all the little things girls do with their mothers. But as she got older and needed me less and less, my husband and I grew farther and farther apart. 17 years in, I just couldn’t see us being a couple again when she left home. We divorced. It was amicable but it was painful as hell. The day of our divorce we stood outside the courthouse and clung to each other and cried. We had driven there separately and I parked on one side the square and he on the other. When we finally parted he looked at me, tears streaming, and said “have a good life.” I squalled all the way to my car. I met someone quickly. Too quickly. And 3 months later was pregnant with a 2nd child. He put off marrying me until 2 weeks before our son was born I told him that if he didn’t make me an honest woman, I wouldn’t put his last name on the birth certificate. So he called the justice of the peace and married me in our living room. Our relationship was rocky at best. He was a liar and a manipulator. I found out 3 years in it that he had still been married to someone else when he married me (a good reason for prolonging the nuptials, looking back). I was devastated but I stayed for our son’s sake. He was a preemie and born with a drastic birth defect. I immersed myself in caring for his special needs. Seven years into that “marriage” I divorced (even though we could have gotten an annulment) him. I swore I’d never marry again. 2 failed marriages made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I had my tubes tied and called it quits. Then along came the man I married and am still with today. I was in my 40’s by then. No more children in my future. He has been the answer to my prayers. By the way, I am wife #3 for him, so we have that in common too. His is my ying and I am his yang. He’s my soulmate, my best friend, and I wish I’d met him years ago before all the pain and anguish of the other two marriages. Good things come to those who wait. It happened for me.
TLN says
Loved this post. It really makes made stop and think about my own marriage. Next year we will be celebrating our 4 year anniversary. My husband and I never really had the “honeymoon” phase. About six months after we got married, he had a horrible work accident. It was a horrible time for both of us. Since his accident, we have been on a constant rollercoaster ride, between switching jobs right after his accident, his recovery and constant struggles since the accident, and finding out we were expecting our first child about 1 1/2 years ago, our marriage has definitely been swallowed up by one thing or another more often than not. We have had to endure so much in such a short amount of time, it has helped us grow together as a couple. We continously try to make more of an effort for us. Thank you for reminding me to take a minute and appreciate the things in life we have and sometimes take for granted.
AnnieM says
I met my husband on a blind date when I was 17, he was 18. 41 years later,(36 married) we are still together, and still in love. 3 wonderful kids, 1 grandchild, empty nesters for a short time before we had one elderly mom come live with us. Our love for each other has always been there, but day to day pressures of life do sometimes allow you to push it into the background. We don’t ever claim to have a perfect marriage, but I do look around and realize I am one of very few long time married people who still considers my husband my best friend. No big secrets: respect, a very strong willingness to forgive transgressions, an understanding that life gets in the way at times without feeling hurt, having a listening ear, and support for who that person wants to be throughout life. No one is the same person they once were, and we continue to evolve over our lifetimes. This is a good thing, as well as enjoying and being proud of each other for who you are becoming. I am now as comfortable with silences together as I am with talking. Connection some days may be just a kiss hello and goodnight after a long work day, but we KNOW. We just know we always have each other’s back. I still love holding hands, and sneaking kisses when no one is looking; winking at each other behind someone’s back. That’s what lovers AND best friends do—and God willing, we will still be doing that for another 40 years. <3
Jen says
There are definitely seasons in marriage, but I think the key is the whole “looking outward in the same direction” idea. I have one of those marriages that I get teased a lot about so I actually try not to talk about my marriage because people give me the whole “yeah, right” . I can pretty much tear up just thinking about our love, life, and how much I cherish it. It’s been 21 years of marriage (26 years together), two awesome kids (now teens) via difficult adoptions after unexplained fertility, and lots of life challenges. He’s my best friend. Honestly, I have never viewed our marriage as “hard” Life has been PLENTY hard, but our marriage has been the refuge from hard times. I’m really grateful for that, and I value it and treat it with much care.
Whenever we disagree or a difference is apparent A. will always, always say “Don’t forget we are on the same team. Different players, same goal”. It sounds so simple, but I think that’s the central idea and game plan of our marriage. And I think that when both partners are on the same team, and still share the same goal (and talk about their goals often!)- then marriage is going to work no matter how that couple expresses their love to each other. Some people are more affectionate. Others not. And I do believe in that whole love languages crap. Ha!
I hope that doesn’t sound too advice-y. LOL. Just talkin’ about my marriage, and how it works for us.
A.d. says
I can relate to your comment. I have been married twice. In my first marriage, we were mismatched and it was very hard. However, I probably would have stayed in it for the sake of our 3 kids. He cheated and I am so grateful, because it forced me to reevaluate and ultimately get out. When I look back on it, this time in my life felt a lot like swimming upstream.
Fast forward to 7 years later and I am remarried to the love of my life. And like you said, life has been hard and challenging in so many ways for us, but the marriage and love have been our refuge. So grateful that I have had this second chance and for the family we have built.
Shari says
But can we talk about that photo?! Amazing! How cool to be recognized in such a way.
Sian says
I needed to read this today. My relationship doesn’t always look typical and even though it works for us, I still feel defensive when people notice.
Kim says
That’s nothing…last year on my birthday my husband gave me a handmade card with 48 hearts. I remarked, “but I’m only 47…” We debated, with my very insisting that I was only 47, and then we did the math…Yup, I was 48, Talk about depression…I lost an entire year and didn’t even know it! LOL!
Kim says
Typo…with “me”, not “my”… 🙂
Nancy says
Just remember that it’s just as easy to be upfront and honest about your life as it is to project only what you want other people to see on social media like FB. I like your honesty and upfront sharing of reality.
Jessica says
We don’t celebrate birthdays, and my husband is five years younger than me. I’m always forgetting what age he is, and I usually guess wrong, which makes me feel great married to such a young guy!
Now if I could just forget MY age…
Caroline says
Kelle, thank you for this new kind of post! I just turned 30 (not about to forget it!) and I’ve been married and divorced twice. I have one kiddo from my second marriage. I have just started dating someone who is completely different than anyone I’ve ever been with. We are totally in that oozy love on Facebook stage. But I’m excited and scared for the possibility of this relationship. I would love to hear more about marriage from you.
Jennifer says
Your honesty and ability to capture something so common yet difficult to put into words is just one of the reasons I love you, Kelle. I’m the one standing in the card aisle putting back 99% of the cards. I buy the one that says something like “Our days don’t always turn out the way we thought they would, but….” I used to feel like I needed to paper over that, but now I feel pretty proud of it. One talks less when upset. The other more. Rational meet aspirational. Form meet function. It started out fascinating. Then got annoying. Then unbearable. Then confusing. Polarizing. Eye-opening and back again, ping-ponging through all of them. And then he’ll help me see a situation like I’ve never seen it before. And he’ll give someone a chance he would have written off. And I see how we’ve buffed the sharp edges a little for each other. And I see our kids with the best (and some of the worst) of both of us in them and it makes me smile. (And tear my hair out. A little.) No one said the good stuff comes easy.
Shane says
I’ve been married for 33 years. That not only makes me old, but it makes me a rarity….especially among my friends and family. Looking at our wedding pictures the first thing to see is that everyone in our wedding party is divorced with the only exception being my matron of honor. My husband’s siblings are all divorced and many friends are on their second (or third) marriages. We just watch all this happen and wonder why. My feeling is that it’s too easy to call it quits. Marriage is work. It’s got it’s way ups and its way way downs, but in the end if it wasn’t worth fighting for, then why do it in the first place? I will never be able to get my head around how someone can love someone else enough to VOW to take them for better or worse, love them enough to create a family together and then suddenly decide that it was all wrong and you hate them and everything they stand for. At the very least, if you can’t make it work, then at least part friends…give yourself the gift of being better than that and move on with kindness in your heart. Life is so short.
Andrea H says
I began this year finding out my parents were getting divorced. They’ve been unhappy for ages, and I’m well into adulthood (I’m 34) myself so I was surprised to find myself crying all the time for that first month…or so. It’s been like a death honestly, but there has been so much truth that has come out of it and a relationship with my dad I didn’t think I would ever have. It’s made me make some choices to make my own marriage stronger. I have a great marriage, but we started taking walks every night during the summer and there was so much we haven’t been talking about. I fell in love with him all over again during the summer, and made adjustments in my schedule to reprioritize “us”. I’ve heard random people tell me they just know a miracle will happen and my parents divorce won’t go through. I inwardly roll my eyes… however hurtful this divorce has been, however scary the future is for them, at least we are all being truthful now and there is nothing to hide, no elephants in the room, and no tension you could cut with a knife.
Vawn says
Great post Kelle! So glad you gained a year back and cheers to a happy marriage, in whatever form works for you both!
Cindy says
There are as many types of marriages as there are stars in the sky. A wise person does not judge another’s marriage based on their own. I had a conversation with an older couple whom I loved dearly, 95 years young and married over 75 years. I lamented that there were many times in my marriage that were hard, that I didn’t like my husband much even though I loved him. They both exclaimed and laughed, why yes, that’s normal. I was so surprised. They had always seemed so adoring of each other, attentive, supportive, quite the team. They told me that’s how you used to do it. You shut up and got on with life, everyone was the same. They proclaimed that life and marriage was hard. And if you hadn’t found it so, you just hadn’t hit your patch yet. The best piece of advice they gave me, never say never. I remembered that when I saw couples who were the sticky sweet, “never happen to us” kind, splitting their assets and their kids.
One of the things I like about this blogger is her candor. She admits when she’s feeling unicornish… and is equally open about the darker moments. And in between are the many times she keeps it private, which I also respect.
Amy says
You and I were married on the same day. And I second everything you said here. The swoony years are gone (we only have one child together, though I brought 2 into the marriage), we spend a lot of time working and slogging through life, and the last 2 summers when the stars aligned and all the kids were at sleep-away camp together we did not take some romantic getaway that was blasted on Facebook to prove our love to the world… no, we laid (lain?) on the couch and watched TV all day (we are both teachers, so have summers off). No romantic dinners out. No quick getaway to a local boutique hotel. Nope. I frequently have to remind myself that my marriage is not Facebook-worthy. But in truth, that is a good thing not a bad one. Because my marriage is *real*. You remember that too!
Rosie says
I have a lot to say that I can’t say in a public forum but I see you in me. I am 38…for real… And am at a crossroads with 4 kids and I’m unsure where to fall and who I want to catch me. I’m married to a fantastic man who loves me to bits. But we are so different. I feel like life would be easier if I were married to my best friend….
Katrina says
My husband and I have been married 22 years. In those years, we made ten children together, plus we raised his son, my stepson, who always lived with us. In 1997 our then 4 year old daughter sustain a severe head injury in a car accident. We almost lost her. Lucky for us, she survived but yet had years and years of therapy to get her to learn to walk, talk, eat, see, think clearly again. We were “warned” that the stress of this could wreck a marriage. Yet, we stuck it out even during the “distant” times and the sad times, and the times of anger and “how unfair is this” feelings. And the stress of it all, having three small children and suddenly one with special needs who needed constant rehabilitation. But we were strong. We had more babies and life was good. Just recently we had our last baby, our baby #11, who we learned very early on in the pregnancy had a condition called Trisomy 13. We knew he would be born with severe health issues and that most T13 babies do not survive. But yet we celebrated his pregnancy and were excited to meet him. Our little boy was born 12 days ago and lived for only 5 days. He was perfect in every way, in our eyes. We had such hopes that his health issues wouldn’t be that serious and that we could bring him home. Oh, how I wanted to take him home and love on him. I wanted to watch my husband with yet another one of our newborns, being the sweet daddy that I know he is. But sweet Aaron’s heart wasn’t formed correctly. And he couldn’t breathe without assistance. Having a baby in the NICU connected to all the wires and a ventilator makes cuddling him a bit harder, but for those five days we managed to do just that. Skin to skin time with me and with his daddy. I have photos of this that I will treasure forever. On day five we had to let him go. The hardest thing we have ever had to do. So now, in our 22nd year of marriage, we will have to get used to a new normal of being the parents of a child who lives in Heaven instead of in our home. We will be the kind of parents who will always have someone “missing” from the family table. I have no idea how we will handle this. We have gone through a lot in our 22 years of marriage, but this kind of grief is new for us. And I hear that THIS is the worst on marriage; the loss of a child. But somehow I just know we will get through it, together. Together. Even if we may grieve differently (and I know we will, and that’s okay) we will still get through this together. Us, and our ten other children. Together.
carla says
I’m so sorry your little baby didn’t make it Katrina, may he rest in peace x
Kelle says
Katrina,
I’m hugging you through this screen. I can’t imagine your heartache right now. Thank you for taking the time to share some of your feelings.
Together…xo
Mirys says
Dear Kelle:
I´m in tears here… so far away from you. I´m from Brazil (yeeeeeh!) and I´ve been following your blog for a while, now. Some friend recommended it to me because you have amazing pics of kids and these kind of things where on a very shot list of what make me smile, some years ago… when I became a widow (at 35) with 2 little ones to take care of. By myself.
I used to be a photographer (just for friends and family) but I had lost the ‘passion for living” that is necessary for photography (and do anything artistic). So YOU HAVE HELPED ME BY BEING AN INSPIRATION. An inspiration in photography, in writing (I started a blog after the accident… hopping to help others to cross the sad valley I was crossing), in living. Most of all, you were an inspiration in dealing with the unexpected (with hope, with attitude, with crying – why not?, with joy).
The unexpected in my family was to lost one member of it in the midle of the best year of our marriage. Go figure! You know when you think: “I have almost everything except…” (you can fill the blank – “money”, “a perfect job”, “an obeing child”, “time for travel”, and the list goes on)? So… in 2010 I finally have my sentence complet: “I have everything”. Period. The job I wanted, a loving husband, 2 kids easy to handle, time and health to travel a little. But then it came the car accident… and everything changed.
It turned out to be a good moment to reevalueted live. What is my goal? What is enough? Am I the only one how suffers? And I started to see my husband oppinions and comments from a very different perspective.
There is no perfect live or children or family or marriage!
You just have to grab what you have and make the best of it.
At the end, the bad moments will fade anyway (believe me) and only the good ones will remain. Good ones like walking on a street, holding hands.
Please, keep on writing!
You are to good at it.
Kisses and blessings.
Mirys
Kelle says
Thank you so much for this comment and for taking the time to write some of your story. I’m so sorry for your loss and heartache. These questions you’ve asked yourself through it–they are really beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Rachel says
Thank you for writing. I read your blog all the time, but rarely comment (this might only be my second time ever?). But, this. Oh, my heart. I’ve been married for 10 years and I so often feel like I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. It’s f-ing HARD. Sure, it’s also great and wonderful, but sometimes I think, “does this man even see me? how can this work when we are so different?!” But then. It does. It’s a hand outstretched on those chilly walks that makes all the difference.
Kelle says
xo yes.
Christina says
I am so thankful that you wrote this Kelle, and also happy that you two took some time away alone! I’ve always loved watching your life for numerous reasons, but one is that I too married an older man. There are definitely times here and there when I question that, even though really maturity wise I’m confident that we meet halfway ;), especially when I fall into the trap of comparing our life to the picture perfect ones on instagram and Facebook. And it is SUCH a trap, because no one’s life is “perfect,” no matter how beautiful it is. At the end of the day I’m with someone who loves me, is committed, and treats me well. Despite all the differences he makes me happy, and when I find that we aren’t in a good place I realize that really we just need an attitude shift.
But dang, just celebrated 5 years, and marriage is hard. It’s not just a saying, it. is. hard. And then it’s great! And then it’s promised to be hard again. One of the toughest parts to me, and what I think lots of others must suffer from, is whether or not their “hard” is abnormal or not. Clearly there’s no way to tell, but maybe it’s just accepting that when people say it’s hard, they mean it’s hard (not counting abuse, etc.).
Anyway, rambling, but I so appreciate this post and shining a light in a beautiful, true way on the realities of marriage. Thank you.
vanessa says
I have totally forgotten my age like that before, only to be corrected by my husband who is much better at remembering dates and numbers. And also in front of a sizable group of people I was meeting. yep- awkward 🙂
Glad I’m not alone in the mom-brain woes. And glad the 2 of yo had a lovely get away
Maureen says
I will be 28 in March and tend to just round up a bit and say I’m almost 30. When my sister actually turned 30 back in September I thought to myself, “she can’t be 30, she is older than me, and I’m…. Oh… Right… I’m still 27…”
Ellie says
Thank you for this. Found so many things that represent my marriage too. I’m 37 (born in 78 too, but in May, so, 37 it is!) and met my husband when we were both 29. Both of us tired from unfullfilling relationships (and still being just 29, makes me laugh at this point). It was like rain after a long dry summer. Within 5 years we got married and had 2 daughters. It just came easily. The decision to get married, I mean. Everything else takes effort and time. And patience. Things haven’t always been full of roses. When I turned 30 reumatoid arthritis came in my life. Pain came in, along with despair and sadness. It had its ups and downs. And when the picks started, I felt tottaly useless and so so old. He never gave up. I admire his patience and stability. Every time I’m confused, he just has the way of saying 2 or 3 simple -but right to the point- words, and the world seems ok again.
Forty days after our first girl was born, I had another ugly activation of the disease. Only this time it was much worse, since I couldn’t take care of my little one. I cried a lot. He didn’t say much. He was just there. My rock. In a way he helped me realise, this was something I had to deal with sooner or later. As an autoimmune disease, RA is mostly triggered by anxiety, stress and bad mood. So, apart from my medication, I started excercising more often in an effort to feel good for myself. Among others, I started running. Even in our vacation, I woke up earlier to run. I’ve been an active runner 3 years now and 2 weeks ago I managed to finish my first Marathon, the authentic one in Athens, Greece. And he was there at the finish, with our kids.
We’re quite different in so many ways. But we tend to think alike and fill each other’s “gaps”. I’m the “high in the sky” element of our relationship, he’s the “down to earth” part of it. And so far, it has served us rignt. I look at him sometimes and feel that I’m still so in love with him. (and there are days I just want to hit him with a pan- Rapunzel style- when I’m over my head with running errands, and he’s calmly sitting in front of his pc).
The thing is -and I don’t want to sound too optimistic or naive- I love my marriage. I love that I get to be myself in it, and not pretend. Good moods, bad moods, bad hair, not-so-sexy dressing gown, singing and dancing with the kids in the living room. Things change, but I’m ready.
Mercy says
I was married for 24 years. I met him when I was 14 and got married at 18. First kid at 23 and last kid 27. His affair devastated me. It almost killed me until my father told me to get a grip, I was not the only person to ever get a divorce. To grow up, take care of my house, my girls and show that F***ker that I could do it. I listen. 8 months later I met a wonderful man. We have grown kids now. Being with him so much more grown up. He is 10 years older ( I am 43 or 42 lol, I really do forget also). I just love how grown up we are. No drama, no intense fights. Just a wonderful dance. Being older and in love (again) is so wonderful. We have been together for 3 years. It’s been wonderful. I never knew you could have more than one love, more than one soul mate. But you can. I found it. I put my big girl pants on and finally showed that F**ker that I could do it. My dad is super proud.
LINDSAY says
All I want to say is thank you for being real and not sugar coating. Marriage is hard. Motherhood is hard. It is refreshing to hear someone talk about the work that marriage takes instead of painting that pinterest-worthy picture that no one can live up to. Thank you for your honesty, I’m sure it was not easy!!!
Catherine says
This was so good Kelle. Thank you.
Dava says
I just read this for the first time (since you linked to it today) and it’s just what I needed. Thank you. Marriage is incredibly difficult, especially when you’re in the thick of raising children (but probably a million other times and ways too). A year and a half ago my wife and I moved back to Michigan from New York, and while buying our first home and finally having a yard for our kids to play in made me feel like I’d finally arrived in the life I’ve dreamed of, my wife is still mourning the life we left behind. It’s been tough to feel like what we want out of life (in some ways) and what fills our respective tanks are very different things at this stage. Sometimes I feel as if we are such different people. Combine that with the way marriage gets lost in the busyness of life and it’s hard to get back to the core of that relationship. Have you read this article? I really love it. https://www.thecut.com/2016/02/what-romance-means-after-10-years-of-marriage.html