“You’re in the cave,” Heidi said when I picked up the phone after two days of not talking or texting—the cave being our shut-everybody-out-and-shut-down response of choice when we’re feeling overwhelmed. The cave is where I make beds for Fear and Anxiety and their gross friends who loiter and mooch beer, steal my keys and bang up my Emotion Car. In the cave, I sit around and eat pizza, put on my gray-colored glasses that make blue skies look like shitty ones, and I remind myself of how incapable I am and how sad the world is. You know, healthy stuff. We have an unspoken 2-day rule between us. You haven’t talked or received a text response in 2 days, you do Cave Patrol. You send a canary in (text: “Are you in the cave?), and if that canary doesn’t come back (no response), you pull a Code 5312. It looks a lot like this. “I am your life and I’m gonna bite you in the ass.”
There’s no specific criteria for feeling overwhelmed–that’s the tricky part. It could be PMS, it could be exhaustion, it could be one thing that didn’t go right and threw the entire universe out of orbit. Whatever the case, my entire Get Out of the Cave view comes from where I get most of my philosophical perspectives and deep truths these days–an animated movie. If you haven’t seen The Croods, go find it, rent it, get back to me. We watch The Croods around here more than any other movie, and besides the fact that it’s funny (Cloris Leachman! Emma Stone!), it highlights one of my favorite life truths–that life exists when you get out of the cave.
Basically, a family of cavemen that have survived all their cavemen counterparts are living every day simply to stay alive, a goal taken most seriously by Grug, the father, whose motto is “Never not be afraid.” He teaches his kids that the cave is the only safe place and that adventure, curiosity and anything outside of the cave will lead to death. When earthquakes ruin the family’s cave and start changing the landscape, Grug and his family run in search of a new cave. And they run, and they run, and they run, looking for the next cave to keep them safe (sound familiar?). Until finally they realize that indeed the world outside the cave could kill them–but it’s also the only place where they can truly live. Where the sun shines and adventure calls and new things to discover are just one dangerous tip-toe away from the cave entrance. You can’t experience the joy without the risk.
I’m out of the cave now–simply accomplished by doing something, putting myself out there. A morning run with a push to run further. A call to a friend. A trip to the grocery store to gather everything I need to make something new I’ve never tried. A “yes” to something I’d normally say no to. Thirteen pages into a new book I’ve been meaning to read.
One little foot outside the cave for me always snowballs into a leap further. Until soon I’m standing in the sunny spot at high noon–far from hiding spots–with my arms outstretched, feeling warm and safe and alive.
The cave may have pizza, but I’d rather have sunshine.
Enjoying Lately…
A trip to the flea market last weekend–a magical junk yard of tiny shit my kids love.
Bringing home said flea market junk.
Balloons.
We blew up a mess of them to throw in our pool last week–a nice dose of colorful mid-week fun.
When she looks like a matryoshka doll.
Hints of summer (we’re almost to the alphabet countdown at school!).
Things that twirl.
Their We-Did-Something-Naughty Faces.
High kicks and ballet Monday.
Happy Monday!
I can relate to this “cave” talk. I am guilty of it. It’s a safe space, no one can hurt you when you are in your cave. You don’t have to take care of other friends (as you usually do) when you are in your cave. You just take care of YOU and that’s ok for a bit….thanks for this post.
I just climbed into my cave! Although my plate isn’t full… There are two major worry and concerns on it. Maggie is nine (DS) and I’m getting ready for her IEP and I’m realizing while preparing she’s not spending half as much time with her typical peers as I thought. I hate that. Our school had been great, but now I have to react and I fear it may not go the way I hope? My older daughter twelve we put in a charter school this year. She loves it, it’s on the ocean and she has more friends and is so much happier than at the public school. She describes it like going to camp. Problem I don’t think she’s getting all the academic pieces she needs. What to do? Also I have been a stay home mom for twelve years, I love this job, but as the girls are growing so isn’t the price of everything. Feeling overwhelmed. Love your post and love Nella’s deer shirt!
Oh Amy, I feel your concerns–all of them. Totally understand that overwhelmed feeling. You’re a good mama to love them so much. One step out of the cave at a time. xo
Amy,
If you have not done so already, you may want to consider checking Wrightslaw.com. This is a fabulous website that discusses the IEP laws in a great amount of detail. They also have a Facebook page. I think that they will also field questions. As an attorney, I look at that website constantly when I have had questions. Additionally, there may be a local non-profit that may be able to help answer some of your questions. I know that we have some in Indiana but I am not sure about the particulars of other states. Just a couple of ideas. If I can be of assistance or you would like to brainstorm further, please do not hesitate to reach out. We are all in this together.
Liz
Totally love the cave concept. Recovering from a serious accident, I have had way too much time to think about every little place I messed up with my kids, life choices, you name it. Writing to friends and calling friends has been a lifeline for me. Hope by the time you go back to the cave, it’s covered in dust.
Been there…felt those feelings too. I love “hope by the time you go back to the cave, it’s covered in dust.” Yes! To dusty caves!
Ok, Dash with the too big boots on the wrong feet is just the sweetest!
Love the photo of Nella in the flea market with lights on her. Really a nice shot.
I’ve spent the whole winter in the cave!! Holy Moly did the sun ever blind me when I stepped out of it a few weeks ago.
Also. I wish I had 1/10th of Nella’s flexibility.
-Melina
Melina! Sweet mother has your winter been a shitty storm. And your cave retreat was totally understandable. I’m so glad you’re out though…you look good in the sun. xo
The beauty of these pictures, Kelle! Well-wishes to you.
My cave is filled with lots of mac & cheese and shitty tv. Sometimes when it storms, it’s nice to know the cave is there to comfort you.
I’ve always liked you and enjoyed your upbeat positive blog, but this post made you so real to me. Its like when you see that perfectly fit person wolfing down a burger and think “I like her better because she’s just like me!” I get the cave, I really do. i think it’s awesome you have a rescue plan with your friend. Really without the cave I don’t think we appreciate the world as much! Never commented before, but this struck a chord…..welcome back! The world is definitely brighter with you
You should see me wolf down a burger. Ketchup EVERYWHERE. ;o)
Thanks for the kind words. xo
I really really needed to read this today. Thank you so much.
I find myself in a cave as well. I will stay home for days and not even to walk to get the mail. Usually sunshine helps. In Ohio we can go days without. But is sunny today but I still haven’t ventured past the front door. Tomorrow I will.
You have such a busy life and deserve a cave couple of days.
I love that you let the kids play in the rain. Nella just keeps getting prettier.
Hugs
I love this idea. The cave idea. Having someone to check on you to call you out and also to let you know that you have someone checking up on you! A safety net. 🙂
Boy, I really needed this today. I feel like I was in the cave all winter. The sun has been shining for about 10 days now where I live — the real sun. The sun in my heart is shining, too. Daring myself to be happy and take new leaps this spring/summer, or at the very least find a peaceful place to ‘just be’ with my kids while I silence my ambitions (and frustrations) in order to live a little. Maybe I’ll bump into The Croods and we’ll go adventuring together!
Isn’t it crazy how much real sun aligns with our emotional well being? Keep daring to be happy and taking those leaps. Summer is coming!
Yes! Thank you.
You’re a genius with that camera. Always such fantastic pictures! Of course, your writing ain’t too shabby, either.
Kelle – I’ve really enjoyed reading your blog and watching your beautiful children grow. But I am having difficulty reading the very light gray of your text. Would you please consider a darker text?
I have my website girl on it! You’re not the first person who’s mentioned that. Thank you!
Oh no! I can’t see any of the photos on this post – it says OOPS your image was linked incorrectly please visit your photobucket page for the correct link.
I love reading your blog but have never come across this error before!
I wish I had someone who could get me out of my cave like that!
i thought it was only me. thanks.
The Croods! That movie always reminds me of Plato’s allegory of The Cave!!! RELEASE THE BABY!!! Love you. XO
The cave is known all too well!! My daughter has some major and minor developmental delays and they want to send her to a school with only children with special needs and I know how important it is to be around “typically” developing kids as I know you do as well!! Oh yeah and at this school she’d be one on one with an adult and NO peers of any sort!! They are fighting with me to send her but I kkpw my rights and was an early childhood special ed teacher so I know more than the typical parent and they know that!! Grr
I cannot believe how grown up Nella looks in two of these photos! All the kids are so grown up lately! Reading your blog is one of the joys of my day, just in case you needed to hear that 😉
Oh how I love your cave story. I totally relate to the need to hide away sometimes (always). I feel that I am getting deeper into mine every year. I’ll be a hermit by the time the kids are grown. It gets lonely but it feels so much safer. I think of mine as being more like Elsa’s ice castle – “the cold never bothered me anyway!” The best part of
your story was the agreement you have with your friend to pull each other out of your caves. You are so very lucky to have each other. Thank you for continuing to invite us into your beautiful cave. xx
I needed this post today! Thought I was the only one. Nella is so gorgeous, her face is maturing so much, I can’t believe how quickly time flies. As someone mentioned above, I love that you let kids play in the rain. I’m sure my kids would love to jump in the puddles now and again. Hate to admit, sometimes I’m more of the mom to say, “don’t get wet, come let’s go inside.” Every time I read your blog it gives me fresh perspective and it’s invaluable.
PMS hits me HARD since I turned 35 a few years ago. I warn my husband and he takes the kids out as much as he can until the storm passes. I found drinking coffee helps too.
I relate to the cave and everything about it !
I do like your use of certain curse words too..
Sometimes there is no substitute for them.. 🙂
Carry on!
This. Is. Me.
Thank you for ‘putting yourself out there’ so I feel like someone else understands. ❤️
So beautiful. Thank you! Still in my cave…
Oh Kelle…this post gives me all the feels, I am 3 years in to my recovery from narcotic pain medication addiction and until January of THIS VERY YEAR, only my husband, parents, brother and best friend even knew I was suffering with addiction, let alone recovery. I let my fear of stigma, shame, embarrassment, etc. keep me in my cave. Even my Mom, while trying to protect me, helped to keep me in the cave…saying things like what will people say about you? In January, that all changed…part of my recovery involved participation in a clinical trial for medication assisted treatment and I was invited to Washington DC in January to speak to the FDA about how the clinical trial affected and benefited my recovery. Things kinda snowballed from there….and now I don’t even know where to find my cave anymore BUT if I should end up back in my cave for any reason, ever…I want a friend like you who knows the code word to get me out!???? PS I’m so very glad I stumbled upon you years ago,I feel like we could be besties ..you seem to know my soul. And by the way, where did you find that gorgeous yellow dress on Nella?
Here’s my story..
http://www.womansday.com/health-fitness/a54655/i-was-addicted-to-prescription-painkillers/
Much needed and much appreciated. Thank you for sharing so much with us.
Off topic–but the older Nella gets, the more she looks like Laney! It is so sweet watching the pictures of your family as they grow.
Nella at ballet class … oh my gosh!! That beauty is just so striking
I saw Nella’s polka dot dress that you recommended months ago…I ordered one for my daughter and it is the only dress she will wear due to it’s awesome twirlability…she is obsessed with her twirly dress…I have you to thank for this awesome find…it’s been the most memorable piece of attire from her childhood…thanks for sharing your finds and your story and your gift of writing.
Ah yes! Alice & Ames! So glad you love it. We got a short sleeve one for summer, and it’s still one of Nella’s favorite things to pull off the hanger–followed by lots of twirling! :o)