So, I went to therapy for the first time late last year–and when you have a child with Down syndrome where therapist could mean anything from speech therapist to physical therapist, I should clarify that by therapy I mean an office with a window and cute plants and a couch where you sit and talk about your feelings. I grew up in a church where therapy was frowned upon–something about “worldly” advice and not trusting God to fix things which, frankly, I think is ridiculous. And I probably could have used therapy a long time ago, but for some reason it took me until late last year to realize I was taking care of a lot of people and maybe I could take care of them better if I took care of myself a little bit.
Since everything I know about what happens in a therapist’s office comes from Dr. Phil and Frasier, I went in with limited knowledge of how these things work. And when I sat down on the couch and immediately got uncomfortable with the two-second silence between me and this woman I had never met (who sounds just like Dr. Marsha Fieldstone from Sleepless and Seattle, by the way), I did what I do in awkward situations: I start talking–mercilessly.
It went like this:
“So, I’ve never done this and I’m not sure how you’re supposed to do this, but oh my goodness, this office is so cute and cozy, and I love that picture on the wall. And you look exactly like what I pictured a therapist would look like–and that’s a compliment, I mean, I love your skirt. This couch is so comfy. So, how do we start this?”
Scribble, scribble, scribble went her pen. I can only imagine what she wrote down. She smiled the warm and nurturing smile of a therapist–or maybe I’m just stereotyping–and went on with a little guidance: “So tell me a little bit about yourself.”
“You mean, like, I was born in Albion, Michigan, in 1978?” I laughed knowing that’s not what she meant, but still, how do you prep a therapist with 37 years of life information to give her enough background to help you with your unique life problems?
Turns out they don’t need much information because, shocker, your life problems aren’t that unique. They all boil down to loving and feeling loved.
Therapy rarely opens up the clouds and imparts great knowledge I’ve never known. But it does make me value my feelings and listen to them so much more. You know that satisfaction you feel when you’re exercising every day? That’s what therapy does for me–whether or not it fixes anything, I walk away feeling satisfied that I’m making efforts to take care of this lil ol heart of mine, the most important thing I can possibly take care of.
Speaking of little hearts, where I’ve found emotional therapy most valuable this year is in child therapists. To help navigate testing anxiety, we started seeing a therapist last year who instantly became a lifeline for us. I’ve always thought I was pretty good at applying self-help book strategies and creatively navigating through parenting challenges–“I’m supposed to know what to say to my kid!”, but I felt I needed more and found it in professional support–so much that I left our therapist’s office in tears, multiple times, those first few visits because it felt like a church I liked. Beautiful life skills and truths about vulnerability, confidence, love and capability brought to life through crafts and posters, aromatherapy bracelets, games and conversations that I know we’ve started at home but, Good Lord, I’m glad there’s someone to reinforce them in a way that reminds my kids “This is the most important thing in the world–your heart, your belief in yourself.”
We breezed through testing this year, equipped with months of encouraging self-talk and anxiety strategies–strategies that are every bit as applicable to you and me as they are to my kid. I’ve taped them to our walls and practiced them in my own life. And even after our struggles were “fixed,” we’ve kept our therapist in our schedule when we can because, as I tell Lainey, “We go to school to exercise our brains, we take ballet to exercise our body, we go to therapy to exercise our emotions.”
It feels so good to fall into the truth that we don’t have to know and be everything for our kids.
And I’ll share my favorite resource our therapist introduced to us. She recommended this site for us, and I’ve found this list to be some of the best parenting advice I’ve ever received–49 calming phrases to tell your children when they might be upset or anxious. It’s highlighted and taped to my fridge and I take it off a couple times a week and study it to get some of these phrases naturally embedded in my parenting repertoire (“Have a battle cry: ‘I am a warrior!, ‘I am unstoppable!’, Look out World, here I come!'” :o). My favorite one is #49 though, and I stole it for myself. I love it so much: “Let’s write a new story: Your children have written a story in their mind about how the future is going to turn out. This future makes them feel anxious. Accept their story and then ask them to come up with a few more plot lines where the story’s ending is different.”
Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, signing out.
Karen miller says
I am a mom of 3 as well as an early intervention PT. I adore reading your blogs and have passed on many to some of the families I am blessed to serve but I always gain support in my own struggles as a mom as well. Thanks for letting the world see you and learn from you!
Lindsay says
This comes at the perfect time as my (almost) 8 year old is having trouble with anxiety about, well, everything. School, dance, the dark, me leaving her side, etc. We are trying our best to give her extra love and to help her feel secure but could use a few extra pointers. I will be printing out the list of phrases! Thank you!
(The article link brings me to the list of phrases, is that a mistake?)
Hilary says
Thank you for being brave enough to admit and write about going to therapy.
Catherine says
Thank you for being so open about your therapy experience! So many people are inexplicably ashamed to admit to going to therapy, but thankfully it seems that the stigma is slowly wearing off. And it’s largely to posts like this, that acknowledge how healthy it can be to see a therapist. One of my favorite things in this post is when you say that going to therapy is how we exercise our emotions. Perfect!
MS says
Kelle, I’ve been reading your blog forever and rarely, if ever comment (although we’ve chatted on Twitter) but I wanted to respond to this. I am a psychologist and have a lot of experience working with children. There’s so much more research coming out about what can be effective for treating anxiety. I recently started doing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) which is a new age thing I used to balk at. It’s been an incredibly powerful tool and I think you would like it. They have tutorials on YouTube. If you want more info I think my email is connected to this note. Also, using a magnesium supplement to calm is very effective.
Best wishes.
Heidi says
Thanks so much for sharing this! Gabe’s very anxious and I’ve been looking for something to try with him. This looks great!
Tracy says
Yay! I AM a therapist and I have seen lots of great ones over the years (never trust a therapist who hasn’t been on the other side of the couch) and I always get so excited when a new person drinks the Koolaid for how great it is to know and understand themselves better.
I also happen to be a Christian. And a therapist…we exist! This is what I tell my clients who have damaging introductions to the practice of therapy for “faith-based” reasons…Who do you think gave those men and women all of their knowledge about how the cognitive centers of the brain work and how our emotions spill out into all sorts of things other than the actual emotion we are feeling? I firmly believe that insight was God-given and although many unfortunate ones have chosen to throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water I would like to suggest we work with them together.
Faith, meet your feelings, we’ve got some work to do…
Lori says
Hi Tracy,
I too am so glad Kelle shared about therapy–makes it less stigmatizing!
I also wanted to say thank YOU for sharing about how faith and therapy CAN blend together successfully. I would have emailed you but obviously since I can’t do that I thought I’d comment here lol.
I too am a Christian. I would not feel comfortable seeing a therapist who did not believe in God and the gift of His Son though earlier on in my journey, that was not a criteria I gave any consideration to.
I think that it just adds so much good to the whole process but I realize not everyone feels that way and that’s ok too.
Best to you both!
Anonymous says
Have you watched “In Treatment” with Gabriel Byrne? OMG, it makes me want to have treatment just to be on the couch in the same room with him!
Audriana says
Thanks so much for the positive feedback for therapists! I am a licensed therapist and work with little ones as well as adults and families. You are so right…therapy isn’t a magic wand and doesn’t automatically “fix” anything(oh that every client I have would realize this!), but it can help us gain valuable insight so we can maximize the lives we have been given, and in many cases, give tools to heal from painful events. I have also had my own therapy, which at the time, I was so sure I did NOT need, but since it was a requirement for my degree, I went. I have always been so grateful I did. I learned more about myself in those sessions than I ever dreamed and came to appreciate and understand myself in ways I never did before. Here’s to new insights and embracing every feeling!
Amy says
One bigger thought…wouldn’t it be nice if our schools were being crushed by this testing crap? Test prep, test pep talks, poorly designed tests with pointless outcomes? I’m all for keeping track with where student stands. That’s why we have (amazing) teachers!! Why do we allow our kids to be part of a culture of testing that is so severe they have anxiety and need therapists? It’s truly abusive. Remember our childhood years? Filled with dioramas, patriotic songs, school plays, hitting wooden sticks together to keep the beat of music? Projects on Presidents, multiplication facts, art classes? We are throwing it all away so our kids can be data, a number, a percentile. It’s sad. Anxiety and school should not go hand in hand.
Jenny says
This is so true! We as parents and teachers (for those that are working in the system) need to start demanding better from our education system and although I think therapy can be very valuable it should not be the norm and we should not be making it okay that children need therapy as part of handling school.
El says
I agree. A third grader should not be so worked up about testing in school that her parent feels she needs therapy to help her through it. It’s a sad state, and it troubles me that people do not question this overemphasis on testing and standardization. I love the idea of a more ‘free’ structure in schooling.
KimbeRlee Jost says
Going to therapy is one of the best things I did for myself. And I love your comment to L about why we go. Exercising our emotions IS important so they don’t work us over later. This is all good stuff, Kelle. Xo.
carrie says
Love this all! Your post came at a perfect time for me, as did the website you linked to. And such great comments from fellow readers. Thank you for sharing, and for creating this space for us.
Brittany says
Thanks for this post! I have been to therapy a few times in my life so far. There were times when I feel it was more toxic than helpful (therapist who projected her thoughts and emotions on me and made me feel very uncomfortable) and times when it was water to my soul: like after I had a miscarriage. It’s often the simplest things in those sessions that helps me. For instance, my therapist reminded me that I couldn’t fault my husband if he didn’t feel what I felt, since his experience through the miscarriage was different his own feelings were different but still valid. It helped me release him from expectations since grieving looks different for all of us. And now that I’ve had space to process I love that he always remembers exactly how many pregnancies I’ve had, even when sometimes my own mother doesn’t. I feel like therapy was what I needed to not direct my pain toward my husband, and I can now enjoy his perspective on all that we have been through. I also think good friends can be good therapists too. I have a few friends lately that I just feel like they leave me with golden nuggets of truth to ponder after we talk. I love that. 🙂
Anna says
Thank you. You wrote the words I was searching for to decribe my therapy journey and the qote of writing a new story…it was EXACTLY what I needed today. And tomorrow. And the day after. And….you know 🙂
Love your blog by the way, love it a great deal! Keep going! :*
desrues caroline says
Thank you Kelle.
I am the Granny of a little Jeanne for a month now and I feel certain the 49 sentences will be very helpful !
Caroline, from France
Krista Nile says
Every time I come to your blog, I leave feeling inspired and hopeful. You have such a beautiful way with words and I am so thankful that you are so brave in sharing all of your stories. I absolutely love the article you linked to about the 49 phrases. You are the best!
Kate says
Loved reading this! Can you share the type of aromatherapy bracelet you’re referring to? Would love one for my daughter.
robin T. Galt says
Kelle — You are making a difference by writing openly and favorably about therapy. I have a bipolar disorder and, only recently, I have come to realize that therapy is equally important to my medicine.
I was diagnosed in 2011, and I have been in denial about it for a long time due to stigmas. I always managed to find something to blame, other than a chemical imbalance, on my problems because I was embarrassed to seek treatment. Leading up to my diagnosis all the signs, symptoms, genetic predispositions, and traumas were there, but I had the whole “I’m fine, I”m fine, I”m fine,” attitude that only caused me to bury emotion after emotion and get sicker.
I had tried therapy on/off a few times, but never for long enough to process what I was learning, let alone jump in with both feet. In January I recommitted myself to therapy, and it is making a HUGE difference in my life. I am calmer and less nervous about my illness because I am learning about it. I am opening up to my family and friends, and finally getting some emotional exercise. Winning!!!!
Not only that, I am less worried about projecting my illness and anxiety onto my kids because I am taking care of myself as my own entity. The 49 phrases you shared are going on my fridge — not only for my kids, but for me. Down the road if they shows signs of the madness, I am certain that my experience with therapy will help me help them.
Keep on keepin’ on. You rock.
Caryl says
What a great read. I enjoy therapy, all of the messiness, and scary unknowns, because I know I will come out of it better than when I went in. While therapy was required for my degree and licensure, I had been going already, and have continued to go, whenever I need a ‘tune-up.’ I’m glad you found something to help you, and your family.
Best,
Caryl
Noan says
Just finished the novel “Jane Steele”, wrote this quote in my journal:
I hope that the epitaph of the human race when the world ends will be: Here perished a species which lived to tell stories. We tell stories to strangers to ingratiate ourselves, stories to lovers to better adhere us skin to skin, stories in our heads to banish the demons. When we tell the truth, often we are callous; when we tell lies, often we are kind. Through it all, we tell stories, and we own an uncanny knack for the task. In Jane Eyre, the wise author writes, “Reserved people often really need the frank discussion of their sentiments and griefs more than the expansive.” I have lived this—should we neglect the task of expressing our passions, our species should perish upon the vine, desiccated and desolate.
Lyndsay Faye, “Jane Steele”
Kelle says
A true gift this is. Thank you. How is the novel? Recommend?
Phoebe K says
Your writing is so lovely. I read your blog every day. I’m continually impressed with your language, accessibility, honesty, and joy. Thank you for being a bright, contemplative part of my day.I truly feel that you make me a better parent.
V. Sam says
Hello kelle, I have seen my mother taking care of everyone. Though she does take care for everyone but in doing so, sometimes she does not realize how much it is important for her to be happy. You have shown a very important window to do that. Thank you so much for such an informative blog to fight against anxiety. I will be looking forward to it.
Carey says
So this comment is so Unrelated but I took a piece of your advice from a post you put up from when my son was still tiny- you said you should ALWAYS have snacks stashed in your car, well since we moved to a new city (by the sea whoop) I’ve finally had time to think and be organized and I started keeping like dried banana chips and the occasional pack of mini Marie’s in my car and WHY DID I NOT DO IT SOONER! My husband often likes to stop and pick up coffees the way home and leave me and my son in the car and honestly I am so generous with those snacks- no more sitting in a car with a screaming toddler! So virtual hug and high five and all those things, life changer! Oh also the keep a spare nappy in the cubby- also a life saver!
Jenny L. says
Kelle – You might enjoy reading Donald Miller’s books. His latest is “Scary Close” which is about him getting married but his last two books including Scary Close are about learning to write your story. Here is a quote from my favorite book of his. I think this is the one before Scary Close.
“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can’t go back to being normal; you can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time.”
― Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life
I really, really like the way he says things and I think you will too!
Kelle says
Hi Jenny,
I do love Donald Miller. I read A Million Miles in a Thousand Years a few weeks before Nella was born–in a way, it so helped prepare me for the experience.