That’s right, we’re talking tampons which–if you’re a man–might be your cue to scoot on out, although you’re welcome to read on if you wish. Sidenote: Featured image has nothing to do with tampons, but I think posts should have pictures and I didn’t have anything else that subtly suggested tampon usage and wasn’t about to attempt an artsy picture with a blurred out Tampax box. So there. An unrelated photo of me and Nella from this weekend.
Let me start by saying that I didn’t talk about periods or tampons or sex or any of this stuff with my mom growing up because it was awkward as hell and we abode by the trusty philosophy of hide-your-head-in-the-sand-and-pretend-girls-don’t-have-periods. Or even vaginas. Everything I learned about periods and a woman’s body was from the instruction paper that was folded in the Tampax box which left me with two solid facts: a) there’s a very good chance you’re going to die from TSS, and b) there are a variety of ways to insert a tampon–who knew?! Since the Tampax instruction guide left me hanging, I ended up having to do some follow-up research of my own. On one of our homeschool library days, I went all Sherlock Holmes, making sure no one saw me sneak off to the reference section where, once confirmed I was alone, I looked up every Song of Solomonish thing I could think of–vagina, period, intercourse. I learned about life hiding in the reference section of the Flint Public Library, and I left…traumatized. And yet intrigued. My birds-and-bees library introduction course would later advance when we took in the daughter of an inmate from our church’s prison ministry for a while, and she told me everything. Everything.
Because of this whole experience, I’ve been hell bent on taking away the awkwardness of these subjects in our home, at least by talking about them openly and honestly–early–with no shame. The balance of too little and too much is tricky though because I also don’t want to go the other way–“Mom, please stop talking about vaginas”. At least if there’s awkwardness, it won’t be because I avoided the subject for too long. We’re still only in the introductory phase. In other words, all three of my kids know what a tampon is for if you consider, in Dash’s case, that “pocket rocket” is a proper use.
Speaking of tampons, I’ve had to reestablish some tampon rules for myself. My rules aren’t really for tampon beginners. Let’s face it, the Tampax instruction guide and the library can take care of that. It’s for when you’ve been doing this period stuff for many years. When you’re getting lazy and need to be reminded of the basics. If you do calligraphy, feel free to make some framed art for your bathroom with these.
1. Buy Them.
Seems pretty self-explanatory, right? Except after you’ve had three kids and can’t remember where you left your grocery list and you’re a little behind on your laundry, sometimes you forget to buy them. Like ever. “I don’t understand why you never have tampons,” Brett said after he caught me digging in my closet at 5 am one morning–again–in search of an old purse that might have one. I swear I made it three months once simply from digging through old purses every time I needed one, ransacking my glove compartment or bumming one off friends, like a cigarette. A frequent text to Heidi: “When you pick up Ivy, can you bring me some tamps?” I mean, they’re what–$7 a box? I don’t understand why this is so difficult for me, but just to check this one off my list, I’m going to go order a wholesale box from Amazon right this second. BRB.
2. Bring Them.
A lot of good buying tampons does if you don’t actually bring them where you might need. Like, say, to the gym when you have a one-on-one personal training session with a 20-something male which, correct me if you have a better story, but might be the worst time ever to be stuck without a tampon when you desperately need one. Because, God forbid, something happens in the middle of the training session, you might have to excuse yourself to the bathroom where you will be stuck for a moment thinking, “There is no way out of this one alive.” Not that this happened to me yesterday or anything, but–you know–a friend I know. And then you might have to run to find the female Pilates instructor, yelling “I’ll be right back!” to the trainer while you do. And she might give you a tampon and her only change of clothes which happens to be a pleated tennis skort. And you might have to return to your session, explaining that something happened and, “Oh hey, yeah, I’m wearing a SKORT now, but please–do carry on.” The best part? Trainer looks at skort and says, “I think you’re wearing it backwards.” I don’t speak fluent lululemon, but apparently the logo goes in the back.
“I would have left and never come back,” my sister told me.
Moral of the story? Bring the tampons. Stuff them in your pockets, your purse, your glove compartment, your beach bag, your diaper bag, and especially your gym bag. At least for the simple fact that you will have a hidden stash when next month you realize you’re out of tampons. Again.
Also…there is nothing not funny about a skort. Ever. Skorts are always funny.
Sad as it may sound, every time I buy a new purse, the first thing I look for it to make sure it has a pad pocket before I get it! Also, I haven’t tried them, but I know there’s companies out there that you can get a monthly subscription to that’ll send you pads or tampons along with chocolate and little goodies so if you’re one of those people that has a schedule, it should there when you need it.
I made the switch to the diva cup, it has made my life so much easier! You never have to buy tampons or remember to bring them, it was a little tricky in the beginning trying to get it in the right spot, but once you have it down its foolproof. I don’t miss tampons at all!
Yes yes yes with the cup! I was so weirded out at first but finally tried one and am so glad I did. I actually got a generic on Amazon. I’ll never go back to pads/tampons. It’s so nice to not have to think about buying them or bringing them!
Amen to the DivaCup! I love mine and will never go back.
Yep, Luna cup here – never going back! Took me once to get it in the right spot and would never know it’s there – wish I’d known sooner.
Yep…i also agree with the cup but i do also carry a few cloth pads (i make em) just in case i dont have my cup but im pretty regular and start using my cup before my period starts. That is why i love cups
This was hilarious..love your writing and humor. All I can say is, just wait until you hit senior citizen status..then you’ll be trading in those tampons for Poise Pads. Three stages of a woman’s life..diapers, sanitary pads/tampons and “wee-wee” pads. Can’t believe I went there but you gave me the courage!????????????????
I CAN’T EVEN!!! I CANNOT STOP LAUGHING!!!
This is really funny! And, I’m the same way…frantically looking through bags in my closet!
And, your sister’s comment is hysterical too!
Thanks for the laugh but I’m sorry for the day you had!!
Ok, so I never comment but this was hilarious and I love it!! ????
My sister, mother and I went wedding dress shopping for said sister. My period came early and I was tamponless. Mortifed, I asked my sister for a tampon and she hands it to me like she’s handing me cocaine. We’re both in our 30s. xD
Like cocaine! SO TRUE
Yes!! That’s how I take them out of my bag at work. So much truth. LOL.
I haven’t had a period since I was 34. (Thank you PCOS). Even after being put on the pill to try and ‘encourage’ them, nada. I am pretty sure I have forgotten how to use a tampon.
Send the sentiment to buy a Diva Cup – these problems will be solved! I haven’t bought tampons in 10 years!
DIVA.CUP. Besides marrying my husband and having children- BEST decision of my life!!! Try it- you won’t regret it.
Girl. How are you not on a subscription service from for these yet? LOLA is a great one or Cora!!!
The Diva cup has also saved me countless times! Besides that benefit, I’ve also noticed a huge change in the way I experience periods – I have fewer headaches and almost no cramping anymore. Convinced my girlfriends to try them too, and we are all hooked on what we now refer to as “the Diva life!” LOVE that you’re making an effort to talk about this stuff with the kids early on!
Post kid life essentials: a fleet of thinx period panties (hiphugger is the best model imho) and a diva cup–in my case a Luna cup, which i find to be more comfy.
That’s ok, it took me almost 25 years of using Tampax and doing road races and triathlons with double layers of underwear to have a friend say, “Hey, you should really use Kotex.” No more embarrassing road races!
I carry a womyns rescue kit: baggie with tampons, clean undies, paracetamol, small pack of wipes and extra baggie (for the not clean undies) – it’s a lifesaver and takes away the angst – especially coupled with a bee-line for warm bath, and hot tea. Xxx
Skort is always funny….
So I think it may be a three kid thing. I NEVER EVER EVER ran out of tampons EVER until my third kid. Now I can’t find one when I need one. Like where do they all go? Do I really use that many? Did I really not buy a massive box last month? Or maybe after 24 years of having your period, we are just so over it, that we are hoping it doesn’t ever ever come back? Because I sure wish it’d go away, forevs. I think Amazon subscription is going to be my new best friend (why I never thought of this before is beyond me!) Thanks for the hilarious reminders!!!
Same. I was fine with two kids, but three changes everything.
Last time I got my period I was stuck with deciding whether to RUN to the nearest Target or to resort to the couple of postpartum pads stuffed to the back of the cabinet. Not good.
Ha! Yes, digging in the purses!! Even though I’m pretty good at the buying of the tampons…I sometimes underestimate the length of time that I will have my period and will run out of tampons. So, in to the purses I search!
That’s why I bought 1 menstrual cup and I store it in my purse. Because where I am, my purse is always. All my bases covered. Also, menstrual cups are LIFE CHANGING (in nothing but the best way possible).
I love this so much
I ran out and seemed surprised by it so much that I finally added them to our subscribe and save on amazon. I now have enough to last me the rest of the year. Ha
The Care and Keeping of You – American Girl book that makes for and easy discussion with a tween or even pre-tween daughter.
Yes!! Gave this book to my daughter about 4th grade and she kept it under her mattress like a secret bible but she knew what to expect with her body and had all the scoop for her friends going through these changes.
Turned forty and decided to take the plunge and use a menstrual cup. BEST DECISION EVER! No more searching for tampins, no more fear of dying from toxic shock, no more money being spent monthly, no more discomfort and my period isn’t as bad. Make the switch, you won’t regret it!
I laughed so hard! Great post!
Cracking up. And I’m almost 40 but feel like we should be done with periods!!! Like I’ve had enough already!! Always leaking somewhere somehow even with the ginormous tampons I need now????????????
I was at the gym taking a stretch and lift class and the instructor, wearing white tights and no underpants, had an unfortunate incident. While she was standing in the front of the room with her back to the class, and doing a downward dog type stretch…….yep, it was obvious that she started her period. I felt soooooo embarrassed for her.
Another vote for a menstrual cup. Absolutely life changing… as long as you remember to keep it in your purse.
I use a menstrual cup (I like the Diva Cup). It saves me from embarrassment almost every month. I don’t do a good job keeping track so when I know it’s about to show up, I wear the cup and go about my day. If it doesn’t show up that day no biggie: no chance of TSS. If it does arrive, I’m good for hours! It is a game changer.
You need a menstrual cup, STAT!
I thought this was a sponsored post by Lola. I never need them because: endometrial ablation. Best two words of my life!!!!!
Gosh I wish the Diva Cup had been around back before I hit menopause! I too had to figure out tampons on my own, reading the instruction sheet. The first time I used one, I walked around with the cardboard applicators IN ME. I walked around that day like a cowboy who just got off his horse from a 25 mile ride! When I re-read the instructions I was like, “d’oh!” I have a tween daughter and we’ve read some books and I’ve showed her all the “equipment”, panty liners, pads, tampons, I want her to be very comfortable and no-big-deal when her period starts. Thank you, Kelle, for yelling, “TAMPON!” 🙂
This made me laugh! All so true! I switched to the diva cup recently and can’t recommend it enough!
I have been a cup user now for a few years and I will NEVER go back! Soooo much easier, cheaper, greener, safer and more comfortable!
Kelle, I LOLed. Woke the baby, even. You paint a word-picture 😉
(**the last time I ran out, I sent my partner to the supermarket to pick me up a box of pads, figuring that it would be somehow harder to mess up, and he brought back incontinence pads. The kind that’s like having an air mattress between your legs 😉 what fun!)
People still use tampons?!? Diva cup all the way! And for my daughters too! I can’t wait to NOT teach them how to use a tampon because I’ll be teaching them how to use the cup. Game changer.
Hi Kelle! This was an amazing post to read. I do agree with your points! And yeah, skorts are always funny, hahha. Love your blog!!
Tampons?
When you are shopping for your diva cup, Luna, Kotex, Tampax or Always Pads, buy an extra box and take them to your local women’s shelter or food bank. I work at a food bank and they are in the top three items requested by our clients.
truly can’t believe folks are still using tampons. after using the diva cup for the last 8 years, tampons seem as antiquated as the pad & belt situation from our mother’s generation. try it, once you get the hang of it you won’t look back. not to mention you’ll save some serious cash over time–even if you have to buy a couple so that you’re never without one. they’re only $20 on amazon!
OMG- love this story, esp the comment about not being sure if you are “going to get out alive” from that situation. +1 to always having some in your purse and glove box!
I am glad the cup works for so many of you but it sounds so disgusting to me. This was hilarious from another tampon wearing mama and one that has tried to be cool with my daughter and explain how to use one. That was a funny conversation that ended with her saying “I need to do what now?” and her walking into the bathroom then walking right back out, only to say “nope”.
Another Diva Cup user here. So happy to see so many of us out there, I wouldn’t ever go back to Tampons. Diva Cup or Luna Cup, not disgusting at all, once you get the hang of it you won’t go back.
Yep. Think I peed my pants a little. I can’t stop laughing at this, and I have so many stories of my own in my arsenal. Like the time I had a baby my senior year of high school, met my future husband 4 months later. Went out on our first date on Valentine’s day….in white pants…..only to get my period for the first time since before I got pregnant. Want to make it more awkward? Sure. Let’s. How about your date running to the nearest convenient store to buy some Midol without me asking (because that’s the gentleman thing to do), and then returning as he hands it to you with one of his mom’s pads and says, “Sorry. Best I could do.” Good thing I’m such a catch…. 12 years later, and it will still forever be named “Red Valentine’s Day”. 🙂 🙂 🙂
YOU NEED TO DISCOVER A DIVA CUP MY FRIEND. LIFE CHANGING.LIFE. CHANGING
Another echo in the chamber for Diva Cup! It made me more intimate with my body. You experience your period differently. It is also shorter and ultimately cleaner since you only have to empty every twelve hours or so unless you’re super flowing l. Plus I haven’t had to find a tampon in years. If you want to take the leap there are good you tube videos to show you how to get it in the right spot and eventually (within a couple months) you can do it so fast.
This is one of the funniest posts you’ve ever written, right up there with “Where do babies come from?” and “Ma Bra” I was reading it in my kitchen with my girls (two and six waiting for breakfast……) and I laughed out loud and turned and hit the wall with my hand. Too funny. You’re hilarious and yes don’t underestimate the comedy of a skort. Buy them. Bring them. Period. LOL.