First it was the front teeth–the loss of which everyone knows launches a “little kid” into Big Kid, followed by numerous milestones that come far quicker than any of the old ones we used to anticipate. Picture books fold into chapter books, Stride Rites into Doc Martens, play dates into hangouts.
Middle school is, though, by far the biggest change for us, welcoming a whole new world of topics I used to categorize in the “Thank God we don’t have to think about that right now” folder. Thankfully, Brett’s done this before, although I remind him “not with a girl” which puts a little twist in our parenting responsibilities (as would a boy if he had only experienced girls). One of these new “Big Kid” experiences though–introducing a phone–has gone far more smoothly than I anticipated. In fact, it’s brought some unexpected perks.
We gave Lainey her first phone at the beginning of the school year mainly to give her a communication tool being that she was going from the bubble of a well-connected elementary school where I picked her up, dropped her off and always knew where she was and who she was interacting with, to a large middle school and, for the first time, a bus ride to and from school. It felt a little bit like opening Pandora’s Box because I’m well aware of the problems phones can create from safety issues to distraction and less connecting with the real world, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised how great this new milestone has gone. A few observations:
Be a Responsible Parent
We properly prepped for this transition. You wouldn’t hand over keys to a new car to your kid without driver education, ground rules and continued communication about how the car is being used. Likewise, we’ve had to do the same about introducing a phone and staying on top of how and when it’s being used. We have a “no social media” rule until we feel it’s appropriate (and thankfully, she has no interest right now), and we use the Our Pact app to manage screen time (recommended to us from my friend Nici–it’s amazing!) Most important, I feel more responsible to model how I use my own phone now that I have a daughter with one, and I’ve been challenged many times to make sure I’m modeling responsible screen use and talking about it frequently with her.
Friend Network
The best perk, by far, has been the connectivity she has with her friends. This is especially great for a shy kid. There are homework help text loops, friend group encouragement threads (this was the sweetest thing to witness the first week of middle school when everyone was helping each other adjust) and lots of FaceTime chats with her best friend who moved to Chicago over the summer. It’s also less pressure on me to have to arrange everything when they want to get together. We continue to talk about important social phone rules–how not to leave anyone out, how tone can’t always be felt through texts, how not to read into silly things like someone not texting back and how everything we put into the universe–including our texts and silly GIFs–represent who we are. And yes, “in real life” connection is ALWAYS the best way to connect with someone. But the phone has been a really great tool for connection with some sweet friends she might otherwise lose touch with in a bigger middle school setting.
A Window to the Future
One thing I didn’t anticipate is how much fun it would be to text my own kid and hear back from her. It’s like getting to see a different side of her–a more grown-up version and a window into the future of the funny things we will tell each other. I love getting texts from her when she’s on the bus, and sometimes she’ll send me something funny or tell me something that might be a little easier to text than say out loud. The other morning, she got on the bus after a hustled morning that didn’t go as I had hoped, and it felt so good to be able to text her while she was on her way to school and tell her that I loved her, knew she’d do great on that test and that we’d do something special when she got home. And, Lord have Mercy, is it ever nice when we split up in Target to text her and tell her to meet me at the checkout rather than search every aisle for 20 minutes until I find her.
Family Connection
As soon as my family found out Lainey had her own phone, they all wanted her number. She always knew cousins and aunts and uncles loved her, but it’s so nice for her to have her own way of hearing from them. My family is so great at rallying–texting good luck on test days, sending pictures to stay connected, reaching out simply to say I love you. I’ve done the same for my nieces and cousins and love staying connected with them through text threads; it’s so nice to have Lainey join the club.
This new milestone is definitely a learning opportunity, but one we take great responsibility for. Have you introduced a phone to your kids yet? Learned anything important? Regrets, lessons learned? Have a great phone resource or screen time story to share? Do tell!
StephanIe says
Oh I’ve been waiting for you to post something like this! I have a daughter Lainey’s age and we’ve been holding off on getting her a phone. She’s still in a k-6 elementary school so I haven’t seen the need for one but so many (almost all) of her friends have one so I’ve been having major mom guilt. After reading this, I may reconsider and look at the brighter side of things. Thanks, Kelle!
Kelle says
I held off too and didn’t want to get her one just because all her friends had one. The bus is the main reason we got it (she did NOT want to ride the bus), but it’s proven not to be too big of a deal. She uses it for friends, but she’s not too attached to it. Now to keep it that way!!
jessey says
Love how you mention Target. That was definitely one of the perks for us as well! We too got her one right before she started Middle School last year. And it definitely has had its advantages. Getting her to separate from it at night has been our greatest challenge so far. We end up having to turn it off because when we are downstairs we hear it buzzing by kids texting way too late in my opinion (their school starts at 7:20, the bus comes at 6:45, and there are kids still up at 10:30!)
Heather Walker says
I appreciate this post – I’m all about teaching our children early how to use tech in a positive way. And there is so much positive when parents realize it’s just something that needs to be monitored and we need to stay involved. Involved in the apps and the conversations etc. I have a middle schooler also and just found the Life360 app that’s been an awesome tool. You can even get a notification when your child leaves school. Thought I’d share.
Kelle says
THANK YOU! Seriously, tell me all the resources! I’ve learned about so many tools and apps and stores, etc. from readers.
Ku Barnes says
My oldest is also a 6th grader this year and I’ve been resisting a phone for him. Bthis post made me want to run out and get one for him today.
Cris Moger says
Thank you so much for this post, having two daughters 12 and 10, I love hearing where you’re at with Lainey. It always give me food for thought and another avenue to keep figuring this parenting thing out. We dove into the phone realm middle of 6th grade last year, and while there are definitely frustrations with screen time, there is so much positive with having the ability to communicate. It’s teaching responsibility in many ways (including if you continue to ‘forget’ to tell me you are on the bus, I get the phone for a specific amount of time; needless to say, somebody hasn’t forgotten to text me in quite some time!) I’m definitely going to check out the app you mentioned!
Elizabeth k says
Hands down the BEST thing for my middle schoolers and high schooler having phones is the communication for all of their activities. Clubs, sports, dances, study groups, choir rehearsal, NJHS, volunteering, etc. It’s all been much easier to coordinate the afternoons and evenings with them. They are involved in so much and last minute changes happen, on our end and the schools, so this has been the best way to make sure we’re all staying on the same page!
Jessica says
Ugh I’m sooooo glad you posted this!! My husband and I have been going back and forth how and when we’re going to tackle this… I’ve been dreading it for a long time and she’s only 9!! ???????? I’m so glad to hear some perks and also a great recommendation on that app! Looks super helpful!! Thank you! ????????
Danielle Woodruff says
My son is the same age as Lainey. He’s also pretty shy. While he’s UBER mature and I’m pretty positive that he can handle the responsibility of a cell phone, we don’t feel that it’s the right time for him to have a cell phone. I think we are going to wait another couple years. I would like to be able to reach him more easily, but he’s in school during the day and should be learning instead of texting. And after school, he comes right home. We have a home phone (yes, landline) that we call him on if we are at the neighbors and need to get in touch. He’s really good at answering when we call. He also has an ipad that he can text other family members that have apple products. We’re slowly working our way up to a phone. I’m glad to hear Lainey’s experience with a cell phone is positive. “Your family, your choice!” is a quote from an author of the book “Talk” by Mandy Majors. She has a lot of good topics on cyber parenting that you should look into. It’s a hard world parenting in this cyber world.
Marnie says
Excellent post!
Claire Borsheim says
Loved this post. I have a daughter Lainey’s age who also got her first phone a couple months ago. We have the same “no social media” rule and so far that’s been a non-issue. Wanted to pass along a great resource though. I took her to a screening of the film Screenagers last year and walked away thinking it should it should be mandatory viewing for kids and parents entering middle school. It sparked great conversation around the pitfalls of social media, excessive screen time and gaming addiction. The gaming one isn’t an issue for us right now but I know it is for many (Fortnight, anyone?). Can’t recommend the film enough. I’m actually now arranging to screen it at our middle school. The added kicker was subscribing to the weekly Screenagers Tech Talk blog. It’s terrific. Just a weekly easy to read digest always on a topic that’s totally relevant to middle and high school age kids specifically relating to screens. Give it a look if you have the chance. 🙂
Kelle says
Oh my gosh, I love this! How can we find it? Netflix?
Diane says
Hi Kelle!! Love your site! My favorite rule for my middle schooler and her phone is that it gets charged at night in MY bedroom. She’s never given me a reason to not trust her. I just feel like there should be no temptation to lose sleep over using the phone. (I was very surprised at how many kids text/use social media all night. I didn’t want that for my daughter.) She’s also not allowed to have it during homework time unless she asks to contact a friend for a question/explanation, etc. Otherwise, way too distracting! Good luck!!
Kelle says
We do the same. All phones charge in the kitchen.
Sherri says
I have 4 teens now and the best perk to them having a phone is the ability to text me a code word that gets them out of unsafe or uncomfortable situations. Ours is so simple. If one of them texts me “hi” and nothing else. I immediately order them home. They know they can count on me to stand firm even if they are pleading with me in front of their friends. They save face and I easily wear the bad guy label. Just knowing they can trust me to help opens the communication door once they are out of the situation.
Kelle says
This is such a great idea!
Hilary says
I have a facebook post about this saved. The original poster said that his family chose a word they wouldn’t use often–for them it was “peanut butter cups”. He once felt uncomfortable at a sleepover and called his mom and said something like “next time we go to the store, can we get some peanut butter cups?” and she was at the house in under 10 minutes to pick him up. So, all of this is to say, make the code word something out of the ordinary so there’s no confusion.
Stephanie says
I just finished reading the book Screenwise and found it to be a really valuable resource, not only on the “when to get a phone” issue, but also on screentime in general, video games, group texts, and all sorts of other screen issues with our kids. What I liked best was the author’s philosophy of “mentoring over monitoring” and how important it is to slowly teach and introduce them to all these issues that might come up when they have a phone, as opposed to keeping a tight rein on screentime until they are in middle school and then giving them a phone. It sounds similar to what you say here with the driver’s license philosophy!
My oldest is only 9, so we have a little bit of time still, but I really enjoyed this positive outlook!
Erin in CA says
I have kids who are 15 (boy) and 12 (girl), and I agree with so much of what you wrote, Kelle. There are a lot of apps to monitor and even control what your kids are doing. And phones ARE a vital part of teens’ social lives. So many text chats! One thing that was news to me — teens use Instagram as a phone book, basically. My son has had an IG account for over a year, but only has five posts. But once he was in high school (with lots of new kids), he says that’s how you find and communicate with people — IG DMs. I asked around and at least where we live, it’s absolutely true. So my other advice is when your kids ask for social media, sit down and talk to them about it, rather than just shutting them down right away. Why do they want it? How do they envision using it? (Also, I don’t know a single teen with a FB account!)
Karla says
The big thing is having a “plug-in station” where no matter what it is not in their rooms interrupting their sleep.
I’m a teacher and see many kids unable to function and focus during the day.
AliE says
This is so lovely!! I don’t have kids yet, but work in the education space, and found this so encouraging and fascinating!
Heather says
This is so good and I’m so glad Lainey isn’t on social media yet. I was in the youth group in my church for a while and so many kids Lainey’s age and younger were already being crippled by it! I HIGHLY suggest following Collin Kartchner on social media and watching all of his video highlights about social media and the messages he’s received from teens with his “Save the Kids” campaign. You’re amazing and I have loved following your blog from teen years till now. Hope one day to be a “fun” mom like you 🙂
Kelle says
Started following this week and it’s heightened my awareness. So glad he’s talking about it! Heartbreaking for so many of these kids.
Leigh Ann Fibbe says
A friend of mine with older kids gave me the advise to make the passenger seat of the car a no phone zone. That way when your kids a little older and less likely to be interested in chatting with you than scrolling through snapchat they already know that when you are driving them around (which will happen A LOT) they have to talk to you. It’s in the same vein as forced family fun. 🙂
Kelle says
I love this!!
Denise says
Please calling all parents! Use the “Screen Time” feature on the iPhone if that is what your kids have. You can set downtime, limit time on apps such as social media, etc. My older daughter told me “no one she knows” has those restrictions. So I want to make sure parents all know about it :). PSA! It’s under “Settings” – “Screentime”. You need the latest software updates through Apple to use it.