Of all the ways technology pushes us forward, there’s one advancement that always sets me back–the “On this day” feature in Facebook and photo apps, the one that resurfaces precious memories from the archives when I’m least expecting it, reminding me of how much I miss Dash’s pudgy hands folded in prayer at the preschool Thanksgiving dinner…
…how much I loved the days of watching the girls plie at the barre behind the classroom windows of the ballet studio…
…and how simple life was was when buckling babies into strollers to set off on excursion brought so much joy, all of life’s struggles and the world’s problems seemed to disappear.
At the same time, I love looking back at such joy. I will always treasure those young motherhood years, and it’s nice to be reminded of how far we’ve come and how much fun we had (ahem…are having). Watching our kids grow and change is a universal rite of passage for all parents, and it doesn’t come without its challenges. But after several years of unproductive longing for the past and hoarding the present, I think I’ve reached a healthy balance between painful nostalgia and “Don’t pull a Lot’s wife and look back” onward motivation. This balance hasn’t come without inward work though. I am, by nature, extremely sentimental–a characteristic that requires awareness and effort to make sure it serves as a superpower as opposed to a stumbling block. Gratitude is the greatest kryptonite to unhealthy longing for the past, but there are a few things I also implement that have helped me. A few weeks ago, a friend who cherishes so many of the same things I do about motherhood texted this: “What do you do when you get sad/overwhelmed that they are growing up too fast?” This is my response.
1. Clean and purge.
Cleaning and purging my kids’ rooms is so therapeutic. I used to avoid getting rid of old clothes and toys or changing anything about the rooms that held all the memories, but hoarding and intentionally keeping everything the same takes up emotional space and only serves as a reminder that everything is different. I love the emotional space that’s created when I clean things up, rearrange furniture and get rid of things that no longer serve a purpose. That’s space for NEW memories!
2. Write a letter.
Writing is the most powerful tool for getting unstuck. Feeling sad and longing for yesteryear? Write a letter to your old self–when you had babies. Write to that girl and tell her all that she has to look forward to. Or write a letter to your future self–when all the kids are grown. Tell her what you hope she’s doing. Remind her of what she loved. (Current letter would include how much I love watching my kids interact with their grandparents, listening to Dash practice reading, telling Lainey about my favorite mascara, picking up Nella from a playdate…)
3. Print new photos.
Choose 20 photos from this past year and send them to Walgreens. Make ornaments with them or switch out frames. Printing current photos helps me stay present and thankful for all that is now. We have a mix of old and new photos displayed in our home to help keep us in the middle–grateful for the past, excited for the future.
4. Plan something for the coming months.
A new tradition, a trip, a day outing, a day of hookie in exchange for baking and crafts. Pouring my energy into upcoming excitement keeps me from dwelling in the past.
5. Let yourself be sad, but put the kabash on it after an appropriate amount of time.
Moving forward without looking back can be revered as a sign of strength; but if you’re avoiding real emotions, they might build under the surface. Sometimes you just have to get the sads out. I cry almost every Christmas day at the end of the day, purging the emotions and sentimentality that stockpiles in December. The cry feels good, and I’m ready to move on to the new year. Pull a piece of paper out write a list of 5 things you desperately miss about the old days. Cry if it feels good. Save the letter in a keepsake box for your kids to read someday. (I miss having them in my arms all day.)
6. Text someone who gets it.
But choose someone who won’t wallow too much with you. I text my sister because she’s sentimental about motherhood too, but yet she’s so good about pushing me to be present because getting too sad and longing is paralyzing.
7. Find good examples of inspiring role models ahead of the journey.
Keep your eye on them. Become them. Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep make me excited to grow older. Likewise, I have wonderful examples of moms of adults who are strong, happy, life-loving individuals with so many wonderful things to say about motherhood later on. They’re not longing for the past…they are living beautifully in the present.
8. Raising kids who fly away from the nest is a privilege.
It’s the same tool we use to combat the sadness of aging: The opposite of aging is not staying young. The opposite of aging is dying–not having the privilege to experience growth and wrinkles and the hardship that getting older naturally brings. Watching our kids change from sweet preschoolers who excitedly wake up on Christmas morning, searching for reindeer footprints to teenagers who slump around the living room, pretending to be unimpressed is the greatest privilege in parenting. They’re living their one, wild and precious life; and it has moved beyond the days when we woke up six times a night to make sure they were still breathing. They made it, they’re making it…and we get to watch it happen. This is not what we avoid…it’s what we hope for. The new moms we see holding babies and writing those first chapters of early motherhood? They need us to keep the lighthouse lit.
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again…there is more. As we tiptoe (or cartwheel full force) into the holidays, that sentiment comforts and fuels me. xo
Keep the lighthouse lit. Yes, this mama of one 14 month old desperately looking to older moms for that light. I’ve already become paralyzed with growth because it’s suddenly so extreme walking, pushing, exploring. This is such a good reminder of pain and beauty of being a parent. Thank for you keeping the beacons lit for us coming along the path.
My kids are in their 20’s and 30’s. But now I have a grandson who just turned one. I am crying at the beauty and truth in your words. Thank you.
I was just talking about this very thing with my sister yesterday. My sons are 30 and 28, hers are almost 16 and 12, so lots of changes are happening. But I told her, it doesn’t end when they are 18, there is so much ahead of you to enjoy. Meeting girlfriends, proms, touring colleges etc. For me seeing my sons grow into the men I had hoped for, it is reward everyday. Neither of them live around here so when they come home, one with a wife now and one with a fiance, we make a huge deal out of everything and they are in on all of it.
In fact last year I received the best comment ever when my future daughter in law said to me on christmas morning, I feel like I’m in a hallmark movie.
Well, you just know all had been achieved and I loved every minute of it. They all happily wore christmas pjs, watched christmas movies, had a special cousins breakfast etc. So be assured moms of young ones, it is not over, not by a long shot.
My sons getting older also has opened up my world in ways I just really didn’t see when they were young and we were trying to get through days in one piece. We have traveled all over together, hawaii, italy etc.
Knowing your children as adults has to got to be one of the greatest joys in life!!!
You are the mom I aspire to be when my babies are grown. Do you have an Instagram? Facebook? Blog? I need more of you in my life! 🙂
Do you mean me? If so, what a sweet thing to say! I am on Instagram trl982 😃
Dear Tina,
Seconding Kaydee’s reply. You sound like an amazing mom and MIL:) Your ‘cherish but let ’em grow’ is appreciated by every friend, every roommate, every daughter- and son-in-law around!
Much love.
g
That is such a kind thing to say!! Thank you!!!
you should start a blog too!! Please!
Thank you for that
My daughter is 21 and wants to move out. I’m so sad!!
“Raising kids who fly away from the nest is a privilege.”
This is the most important point. Knowing or being a parent who loses a child means you will never say the words “I wish they would stay little.” Life is uncertain and there are no guarantees. Watching a person grow is truly a privilege…both that they’re here and so are you.
It’s like you’re my soul sister. Most of everything you write (especially this post in particular) is like it was written out of a chapter in my heart. I miss those preschool days too but I catch myself and often remind myself not to be absent from the present day which in my world includes two girls, ages 15 & 12. I never knew just HOW much I would miss the little days until they were long gone. Now though, I enjoy seeing a romantic chick flick with my older daughter and swapping makeup secrets and tips. As always, life feels bittersweet…
My darling babies are now 28, 26 and 23. I am enjoying the next phase and am privileged to look after my two year old granddaughter two days each week. Her smile when she realises I am there make the frustrations of the day worth while. We are potty training at present. It is so wonderful to see her being so pleased with her mastery of this skill set.
Today was to be predicted to be over 100 so Miss Mia and I hit the park as soon as her parents left for work. We had a magical hour playing in a space that had no other children. I make sure to enjoy as much as I can because I may not have another grandchild. But if I do it will be such a joyous thing.
I didn’t have time enough with my precious babies as I worked, studied and used cloth diapers as you call them. There was the endless washing on top of two shift working parents.
I can relate to all that sentimentality. I only have one son and he and I were very close. Now he is married with a child of his own. The hardest transition for me to accept (and still is!) is that I am no longer number one in his life. Once he took a wife she became the star attraction and I was (gently) pushed to the back burner as it should be. But nonetheless…difficult to swallow!
Just noticed the tattoo on your left arm. How long have you had it and what does it say? I have a new one on my left wrist….It says “Love”.
I drew it on. Temporary…says “there is more”
Has your cousin not been able to send you the leaves this year. Or have I missed the post?! I keep looking but I’ve not seen it:(
The stage in life I found the hardest was parenting an adult .. or more to the point listening and encouraging without giving an opinion, it’s doable but so very hard.
Your doing marvellously
We got them! They are on Instagram.
Have I missed your leaves, or did you not receive them this year, I look forward to that post all year 🙂
The hardest part of parenting I found, was parenting an adult the ability to listen and observe without giving an opinion unless asked. You are doing marvellously.
I really needed this. At least I am not alone in my feelings. With a HS junior and a middle schooler, I have been on the edge of tears for months, realizing I’m (more than?) half-way through and they’ll be flying off soon…happy for their future but sad for myself. I still have a good longggggggg cry now and then (I know there will be so many more) but I’m just a HUGE mush ball of sentimental momma who wants everything to stay the same, forever.
Almost 11 years ago, my daughter was born and due to severe complications (toxic shock) I was in IC for the first 6 weeks of her life. The doctors brought her to me when I went to medium care and I was unable to hold her yet. Now, 11 years later, I still feel like I am catching up time I have lost.. I REALLY needed this, it is so difficult to let go. To keep looking in the future too. But I am grateful she is turning in such a beautiful, kind girl. I am so grateful. Thank you, as tears are streaming down my face, thank you!
Looked for something to help with the depression of time flying by too fast. My son will be 16 next month, and I’m happy to say i haven’t missed a day in his life. I just get really sad knowing that one day i won’t be able to be there for him. Thanks for alleviating a lot of the sadness.♥️
My ex has kept me and my daughter apart for 17 yrs now. I have not seen here since she was year old, upon my last visit, we played the french fry monster game, i will never forget it. I never got the chance to show her my Cookie Monster impression:( I recently acquired my daughters cell number, we have been secretly communicating since her 17th birthday which was March 2020. At 1st she was extremely nervous, as was I, two months in, she has opened up to me quite a bit, she even shared with me her class standing, she is 7th in her entire graduating class😎
We still cannot speak on the phone just text, if her mother catches her it will be bad!
She is off to College next year, wants to be a Physician Assistant like her old man😎
I feel so sad, an extreme empty nest syndrome i suppose! I did not raise her, we do not have a strong bond, but that does not change my absolute Love for her, after all, she is my baby, my man cub, my little creature. I dont know if i will ever see her again, or if going to college will widen the gap between us, i cannot compete with her growing up, making fri, and experiencing the world, i dont stand a chance, she will be too busy with her new lice as an adult. Im so depressed and lonely, i can fit under a rock:( Love does hurt, especially that of a Father for his cubs. Those of you, who are fortunate enough to live with your cubs, love them, tell them everyday how much you love them, never waste a moment, life is short, hug them, hold them