Stephanie Precourt joins ETST today for a guest interview on motherhood.  I “met” Stephanie when we both were a part of writing for Hallmark’s Life is a Special Occasion series and later through a group of bloggers who’ve shared an e-mail loop for the past year.  I’ve so enjoyed Stephanie’s reflections and her thoughtful approach to motherhood.  Stephanie is a mama of four who lives in Oregon and writes at Adventures in Babywearing.  She is also the Online Content Manager for Listen to Your Mother (check it out!) and is a video contributor for the award winning Mommalogues series.

My favorite thing about Stephanie’s writing?  There is such calm confidence expressed in her reflections.  I love that and learn from that.

I loved all the ways in which I related to Stephanie through her answers and was inspired to think about how I’d answer some of these myself. 

Hope you enjoy.
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What was your “this is it” mom moment when you first really felt like a mom?

A moment I remember so clearly was sitting in my son’s nursery, rocking and nursing him and an overwhelming wave came over me of every feeling I’ve ever felt in my life. It was like all in a rush I experienced complete understanding, a fierce power and might along with intense fear and love, I was a mom. That was 12 years ago, I can hardly believe it.

Can you name a person who has made a remarkable impact on you as a mother? Why and how has this person impacted the way you parent?

I am kind of a collector of people and things, so I observe and reflect along the way. There are little bits and pieces of so many people that have affected how I parent. Ultimately my oldest son is probably responsible for the core of my parenting style because he had a rare disease early on and it shaped and changed our entire lives and how we approached parenting from then on out even still today. What we went through with him (and the people we met along the way during that time) taught us to follow our hearts and instincts and also that life is so fragile and precious. It just put everything into perspective early on and since then we observe a more natural/holistic and attachment parenting style with confidence.

Has your upbringing affected the way you parent? How/How not?

This is a good question- I think my upbringing affected my personality and who I am, and that is definitely reflected in my parenting. I was encouraged to dream big and be involved in the arts and had pretty easy-going parents. I prefer to be easy going as well and instill that in my kids- they don’t sweat the small stuff and feel safe and are great at self-expression. My husband and I were raised quite differently but have developed quite a good balance of both of our upbringings- not as structured as his but not has un-disciplined as mine!

How do you make time for your marriage while raising kids?

This is a tough one, something I think is always a work in progress especially while the kids are young and so demanding of our time and energy. My husband and I love to have date-nights in at least once or twice a week after the kids go to bed. We have our favorite TV shows we like to watch, or a movie. And as often as we can, we have started hiring babysitters more so that we can actually go out! But even when the kids are around, we are always trying to make time so that they can see that their mom & dad love each other and have a great relationship.

How do you measure your success as a parent?

Honestly, I think every night just before I fall asleep and  replay the day in my head- how I feel about interactions with my kids and how they moved about their day- that’s how I gauge how I am doing. Those little days at a time add up and the next morning offers a fresh start to keep up the good work or make a change.

What do you think is the biggest challenge facing mamas today?

I think labels and competition among other mothers is the most detrimental issue in motherhood. Worrying about how other moms do things or what they might think of how you parent just eats away at your self-confidence as a mom. It’s so freeing to accept all styles and allow yourself to not conform to a certain mold other than doing exactly what feels best for you.

What advice would you give a brand new mama?

You are the mom, you have the final say. Follow your instincts and do what is best for your child according to what your heart and mind is telling you. Surround yourself with positive influences and don’t be afraid to say “no” or “I don’t know.”

 At this point in motherhood, is there anything you would have liked to have done differently?

There are some specific things I would have done differently, yes, but they are mostly things I could never have known until going through it. I do wish I wouldn’t have sleep-trained my oldest son and wouldn’t have been so afraid to get in trouble for co-sleeping with him. (And wouldn’t have been so afraid of disappointing our pediatrician!) I wish I would have been better and more consistent/less lazy with potty training ALL of my kids, and I wish I would have breastfeed my first two boys longer like I had wanted instead of falling into peer pressure to wean them when I did.

You’re shot after a “motherhood is hard” day. You need a break from your kids. What do you do?

Whenever possible, I leave the house and go to Target, the library, or the knitting shop. And Starbucks is usually involved. If I can’t leave, then I announce an early bedtime and – despite wanting to stay up and read or catch up on my favorite show- I’ll hit the hay, too. Makes a ton of difference!

What’s something from your childhood that you cherish and would love to recreate for your children? What’s something from your childhood that you don’t want your children to experience?

I have such fond memories of exploring the outdoors of our home and having independence from my parents while still in a safe environment. I hope that my kids can experience that- we live in a scary /paranoid time and I want my kids to be able to ride their bikes around our neighborhood and play in the woods and make their own grand adventures and memories. One of the most life-changing parts of my childhood was losing my grandmother, and I was never the same after that. I don’t ever want my kids to go through a loss like that at such a young age.

Do you have a favorite mantra/quote that helps you during the hard times of motherhood?

I love the Ruth Hulbert Hamilton poem Babies Don’t Keep “Quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my babies and babies don’t keep.” Also, “You’ve got this, you’re doing great.” Because it’s true.

What do you hope your kids will say about you when they are grown and looking back at childhood in your home?

I honestly hope they will all argue and truly feel like they were my favorite, each one of them.

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Read more from Stephanie Precourt at Adventures in Babywearing.

Welcome back to Shop Ruche, one of my favorite online shops offering the most delightful collection of stylish goods for mama, baby and home.  A vintage-inspired boutique with a modern touch, Shop Ruche continues to add new items to their site every day.  It’s one of the first sites I go to when I want to add some new pieces to freshen up my wardrobe.  And the bonus?  It’s affordable.

My faves right now on their site for spring and summer:

meeting time pants in mustard, creative walls interior decor book, feline tortoise sunglasses, hummingbird glass water bottle, poetic license always there woven sandals, polka dot iphone 5 case, mustard beautiful day kitten heels, eventuality polka dot lace dress

And their Children and Baby shop keeps getting better and better–more items, more style–a perfect place to find a baby gift full of character or that perfect little something to add to your little’s closet.

LOVE these current items in their shop:

Top, From L to R: sailor girl swimsuit, marigold ruffled bloomers (I die!), bespectacled baby cap, whale print eco-friendly shorts
Bottom, From L to R: gingiber brown bunny onesie, knit elephant plush (Dash has one, and it’s so soft) birds of norway bubble dress, plaid driver’s cap

Use code KELLEHAMPTON15 for 15% off all regular priced children/baby items (code valid 4/9 through 4/16). 

Welcome back, Shop Ruche!  You make me excited for spring and summer style.

So I just deleted an entire four paragraphs because I realized at the end of that fourth paragraph that what I was writing wasn’t really fun to write anymore.  It was all “motherhood is so hard” (said like a five-year-old throwing a dramatic fit), and you know what?  It is hard.  Saturday proved that for me, and I could write every awful thing that happened–who was crying and how I dealt–and it would be funny.  It would be relatable.  You might have even thought to leave a comment that said “thanks for keepin’ it real.”

Truth is, I write here about what feels good to write about and today, after earning my stripes in the Hot Mess Mom Club, I’m not going to write that motherhood is so hard post.  Because I’m kind of over it this morning. 

Alright, I’ll share just a little bit from Saturday’s craziness because I went to the trouble of drawing a picture for the story.

After picking up my wallet from a restaurant where I left it for the second time this week (yes, same restaurant, two separate times), Heidi and I took the kids downtown Saturday for some fun.  Let’s just say every kid was crying, I didn’t have enough arms to help, and when we finally got to an outdoor restaurant to collect our thoughts, I said to our super hot waiter when he saw all the kids, “I know what you’re thinking–table from hell.  Promise we’ll take it easy on y–.”  Except I couldn’t even finish the sentence before Nella’s stroller flipped backwards.  With her in it.  Yep, boots in the air again.  Super Hot Waiter had to save her while everything that was in the stroller including an orange juice, my purse and a wet diaper flipped out and I sat helpless, Dash crying in my lap, from the other side of the table.  Whew.

So here, a picture:

And by the way, Heidi says this is all part of the naturally orchestrated universe because Seven Week Meltdown post third kid is a given.  She’s been telling me this for an entire year, and funny Saturday should land exactly seven weeks and two days past giving birth. 

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It’s funny how trained I’ve become as a woman to think that the “I’m failing” stories make me more likeable.  I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser, so I’m easily trained on these things.  Tell them that you lost your cool, that your kids have massive fits, that you can’t lose the pregnancy weight and they’ll like you better.  You know what I say when anyone tells me I look good after having a baby?  I have it memorized.  I fire it back without even thinking:  “Oh there’s some Pillsbury skin underneath the shirt, don’t worry.”  And I breathe a sigh of relief as if suddenly I was forgiven, “let in” after being proven.

I realize there is truth to why we’re trained this way.  We naturally accept our own imperfections a little more when we find them in others too, and that’s okay.  Power in numbers, comfort in a like-minded group.  I’ve totally been guilty of saying “Thank God” when I discover my outwardly put-together friends have junk drawers, messy closets and laundry piles the size of landfills.  But I also don’t want to need to hear these things in order to be okay with my own shortcomings.  And I certainly don’t want to base my likability of someone on the presence of faults like mine.

We share our weaknesses not to be liked but because the community that’s built in the process helps create a kinder force to accept these imperfections and a stronger force to overcome them.  But we must make lots of room in between to celebrate each others’ strengths, high-five for the days well played, and recognize in our own lives where things are very good indeed.

And good Lord, one of these days I will learn that when someone tells me I seem put together, I don’t have to make sure they know my house is a mess. “You look great” doesn’t need to be followed by a description of my stomach dough, and a rave review of something I cooked does not call for “it’s the only thing I know how to make.”  Compliments don’t need to be softened by backing them up with disclaimers; sometimes you just need to own them.

With that said, this weekend had far more good moments than challenging ones.

Like Family Pool Parties

Dash had his first experience with the pool and loved it.

Also, I really need to wash my windows.

Finally turning on the pool heater means late night pool dips with no shivering

Heidi and I laughed on Saturday that we had every reason to  head back home after the fate of the day proved disastrous.  But neither one of us would make the call, so we just kept pushing strollers with whiny kids. 

We finally made it to the beach where kids were set free and we sat–surrounded by tourists, cooled by strong beach winds–and slowly reordered the memories of the day, these peaceful ones quickly taking the top spots.

For all the times we usually can’t shut up when we’re together, we were quiet on the beach that night.  It’d be nice to say it was because we were drinking in the scene or moved by the beauty of it all, but clearly, we were shot. 

Heidi:  “You want to walk to the end of the pier?”
Me:  “Let’s not and say we did.”

Recovery for Saturday came Sunday when, after a morning clean, our very low expectations for the afternoon were exceeded simply because we managed to paint our nails.

This boy.  He can go from not crying to a full scale vibrato wail in all of half a second.  But he is the best cuddler ever.

Those last two pics?  Yeah, tipped strollers have nothing on them apples.

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Happy Monday. Time for an evening jog to some Macklemore.  Because the ceiling can’t hold us.