so, i lied. while the beach temporarily rejuvinated my creative lull last week, it was just that…temporary. like a quick buzz off a few good beers. followed by a very un-creative hangover. i know i made it look alluring with all that sister fun and delicious dinners…but it was just a high. and it crashed. i am officially proclaiming that my inspiration truck has broken down in the ebb region of the great town of ebb & flow. i got it running for a short time, but it putt out after a few miles. i’ve knocked on mechanics doors, begging them to get me to flow. because i’ve been there…and i like it. but no one’s open. i’m stuck in ebb. …and it sucks.

so, i went for help. my sister has these crazy good book recommendations because she is a good striver and better-er and and she will write a book someday. so, she gave me some urging…from natalie goldberg’s old friends from far away: the practice of writing a memoir… (yes, it’s training wheels, but with a little practice and a good push, i firmly believe i will be ridin’ this bike myself in a few days. and i will ride it straight into the sunset).

“often in the middle of a timed writing practice, you feel muddled. you’re not really saying anything. so try this: don’t ever wait to finish your sentence. right in the middle, put a dash…then write ‘what i really want to say is this’…drop to a deeper level and keep going…”

so, with that said….

I’m not going to “muddle” anymore and this may be completely random, but —what i really want to say is this:

~i have a very good husband, and this blog has been so much about her & i…and i’ve just been thinking that i need to write more about who is he and how much i love him. because he’s very, very good. and i love him very, very much. and anyone who reads this deserves to know a little about the gem i found. he is ever so lovely. so, good things to come on the man i love.

~i need to clean my bedroom again. random, yes…but if feels good to purge. seriously. my closet is a pit.

~there is a party…in my honor next week. for my thirtieth, actually. and, it could be a celebration of our neighbor’s cat’s neutering ceremony for all i care, but i am very excited because there will be a great slew of people i love in one room. and i will bask in their greatness.

~i miss my sister.

~we’ve been trying to have another baby for ten months and it hasn’t happened. i want to hold this baby…really bad.

~i think the most beautiful phrase in the history of mankind is: “let go.”

~i love “imaginary vacations.” with the crap economy, “vacation” is not in the near future…so, we take imaginary ones. and we get all excited talking about them…where we’re going and what we’ll do…and it doesn’t matter if we’ll go or not. our imaginary journeys there are quite delicious. and, in the meantime…there’s camping, and we’re planning a nice adventure–lainey’s first one–in february.

~i have a little girl. not a baby…not a toddler…but a little girl. and i love her so.

oh, i’m on a roll…

five smells you can remember…ready, go:

~the body shop’s coconut & lime bodywash. my first “love.” from australia.
~my grandma & grandpa’s old living room. coffee & laundry, an eclectic mix of furniture from their mission trips around the world…my grandma’s perfume. together, it equaled this magical scent of beautiful nostalgia.
~brett’s cologne on our first date. woodwater, an italian cologne you can’t even find anymore. there’s an empty bottle in our closet that i can, if i inhale hard enough…remember every little detail about our dinner at the japanese steak house up the road. sigh.
~burt’s bees buttermilk baby lotion. what i put on her the first ten days in the hospital. and what magically takes me back to that newborn in my arms the second i smell it.
~my mom: estee lauder’s pleasures.

and what’s a post without some pictures…

today’s afternoon light and welcome cold gave us a quick opportunity to bask in its splendor…

p.s.: i freakin’ love hats.

the evolution of her trademark “scrunchy face” we so love…

if i could put into words what i’m feeling about the new person in our house…this new girl who is completely different from the old girl…i would. …but i can’t. she is just completely evolving into new loveliness. fits and attitude included, but that’s the beauty. like pinnochio becoming a real boy. she’s real…and i can see the person she’s gunna be. gepetto likey. no…gepetto love.

yes…love.

…enjoying the lovely-regardless-of-the-measure-of-inspiration things.

oh, wait. inspire me. if you shall leave a comment…leave it with the answer to natalie’s goldberg’s question. a smell you can remember…keep it clean, folks.

love. ~k

i used to dance with her in the living room to this song when she was tiny. all six-and-a-half pounds of her, curled up in the crook of my arm so that her heavy little head nuzzled right into my neck and i could kiss the top of her silky hair and inhale her sweet baby smell. and i couldn’t imagine her ever growing bigger than that moment.

but she did.

she’s just getting very, very big, and i’m realizing that on a very, very deep level lately.

and so it is, when we have a day like this where i can just really be with her, i end up somewhat like i am tonight. looking at her baby books, spooning next to her sweet jammied body a little longer than usual before i let her sleep peacefully on her own…contemplatining motherhood and everything it means.

there is so much i want to do in life and so many dreams i have…
…but if being her mom is the only thing i got to do, i’d still be satisfied. i’d still feel fulfilled.

our date day was simply divine.

croissants and coffee at panera (and a cinnamon crunch bagel which is basically baked sin with sugar on top)…where pups joined us for a bite to eat, lainey flashed me her devilishly cute smile (which, i think is her way of saying, ‘this is fun, mom, isn’t it?’), and i just sipped and watched her and informed my past self…the one that held that sleeping newborn and never thought she’d get bigger…that yes, she’ll get bigger. and you won’t believe how fast it will happen.

then, to the bookstore to putz and read and play. …and drool over eloise in paris which is full of absolutely delicious dialogue. i didn’t want to spend the seventeen dollars on it…so i searched ebay later only to find a first edition for….sixteen hundred dollars. seventeen’s not lookin’ so bad.

what’s a mommy/baby date without a self-portrait, eh?

and after a quick trip home…we grand-finaled our day with a heap of uber-delicious ice-cream, a nice smattering of sprinkles and a warm waffle cone.

if i had a dollar for every stranger that went ga-ga for her frog boots…i’d have a heck of a lot of dollars.

lainey love…i love you so much my heart hurts.

lest you think i was going to leave my sister’s tatas up there forever…
behold. a new post.

and enough of this creative inspiration thing…i come from an overly creative family…which has its blessings. but then when i’m not actually trying desperately to fall back asleep at three in the morning because i keep waking up with creative ideas…i feel like something must be wrong.

…and i think my biggest problem these days has been lack of sleep. my sister and i burned the midnight oil far too many nights in a row, and these past couple days i’ve caught up. actually slept for twelve straight hours last night.

and then in between all that…we went to the park, we had a picnic in the yard and we made a fabulous dinner last night. like, real cookbooks…and ingredients you can’t find at your run-of-the-mill grocery. yeah…that kind of dinner.

~pork tenderloin marinated in apple cider vinegar and spices
~mediterranean salad with capers, feta, sumac, grape tomatoes, romaine, fresh basil, olive oil, lime juice and italian seasoning
~spinach rolls with toasted pine nuts, ricotta and feta rolled in phyllo
~lemon polenta cake with pouring cream

oh divinity. and we wore aprons.

and the blessedness continues…

(looking for airplanes…they do that…all the time)

today is just a me & cubby day…and i’m thrilled with all the possibilities. i am entering a new phase of love for her. can’t explain it…trying to figure it out myself…but it’s deep and beautiful and i think i’m beginning to realize what it’s going to be like to know her, love her and be her friend and mama all at the same time.

…enjoying the new day things. ~k