i’ve rewritten this post several times now.
…because i started this blog as creative expression…to get me writing again…to awaken hibernating creative passions…to have a place to put all that stuff in my brain…to document our life…to leave a mark…to…i don’ t know…just throw things out into the beautiful void.
…but then there’s the thought that people actually read this stuff…and what will they think…and am i saying too much….
but i have to let go of what people think…because those thoughts are too constricting. i’m burning that bra. takin’ it off and lettin’ it go.
so, hypothetically braless, what i’ve been thinking today is….
just love.
because i was.
and i’m normal…and i shouldn’t be.
there are years in the past that are such a crazy blur…
pictures of a happy childhood interrupted by a really bad divorce…
and years of sadness…and a whole lot of weird.
…and everyone i know who finally hears the whole backstory always says one thing….”you shouldn’t be normal.”
…but i am. because i was loved…by so, so many. my parents. my siblings. my grandparents. my cousins. my aunts and uncles. my friends.
we’re not like other familes….
…my dad is gay.
…and after that whole revelation hit our family, things just went crazy awry for a long, long time…
…but through it all, we were always, always loved.
…and today, we’re all fine. together. happy. successful. okay. ….loved.
so, i don’t worry much about messing lainey up because i love her.
i love her…
…and brett loves her. and her brothers love her. and our family, our friends…they all just love her. and it’s so liberating and beautiful to raise her just thinking about love…it comes so easy. and i know it’s just gunna get better and better. what a beautiful life…she’ll be just fine. because i am.
just love.
just love.
the rest…it’ll fall into place.
…some random bits & pieces from our normal life…
her brothers taught her a new trick….all they have to say is, “hey lainey…360″…and she smiles and spins circles, over and over and over.
austyn models it first….
…and cubby copies…
…oh this beautiful camera has brought me so much happiness.
normal people wear lipstick, right?
thanking my mom & dad for just loving.
…enjoying the all-about-love things. ~k
kelle…you are soooo LOVED!!! that cryderman clan is amazing and all those ‘bumps’ you all went through made you the person you are today!!!
i love that person. and that persons sister and that persons dad so much.
wow…what an honest post. glad you did it. so freeing. so true.
thanks for the lesson. when i think i am going to mess up peyton and becks, i will think of this post and remind myself to to love them a little deeper…that is all they really need anyway.
LOVE the lipstick shot…your hair looks like it is being blown across your face…great!
oh, and that camera!!!!! yummy.
“One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life: that word is love…” Sophocles
“I don’t think of all the misery, but of all the beauty that still remains…” Anne Frank
glad you put it out there.
life is what you make of it.
and I’d say we do a damn good job making it great.
I love you.
I happen to LOVE your past because:
a) it made the person that you are, and I love that person, and am so grateful to have her in my life because she made me realize there are friends who can feel like sisters;
b) by virtue of your sharing your story, we now have instantly hilarious, pee-our-pants laughing punchline buzzwords, such as “drumstick” and “I wish I had a puppy”.
But mostly it’s (a). Promise. 🙂
xoxo
jc
Oh, do I love this post! I read all the comments on my email before reading these words! I couldnt wait to absorb every word!
And the song you had set to play is tied with “Fidelity” and “Say what you Need to Say” as my favorite song on your playlist. I listen to them over and over and then over some more!
Knowing Lily is loved by so many gives me so much peace of mind everyday. No matter what happens in her life, she can always fall back on that ‘look at all these people who love me, i must be pretty special’ feeling. That internal thought will be the bandaid to mend all the bumps along the way.
People ask my mom what’s the secret to being a good parent and she’d say time and time again…”marinate them in love” and that you are doing my friend.
And doing it really well. Think of all the people who love Lainey. She is surrounded by this overwhelming feeling of love and devotion. Her middle name is “LOVE” for goodness sakes!! I think I saw some love oozing out of Lainey’s ears yesterday!!
Oh wait, that was cupcake frosting.
Gay? You buy one Madonna CD and spritz some Escada and folks assume you’re gay. Sheesh!
hahaha…..
oh I am laughing….
and loving
and living in this imperfect world with you Kelle,
and I think that you have said one of the most profound things that I’ve heard in a long time.
It’s just love.
It’s the only thing.
Everything else is just…periphery.
Being repetitive,
redundant,
but I don’t care:
I love you.
…and for the record, my dad gave me permission to write this. so, Madonna, Escada…quit hiding in the closet and come out and decorate something.
…and you kindly invite a homeless man to share your home, and suddenly he’s your partner…sheesh. If you remember, my computer is in my closet…I love it here. Now back off or I’ll share some information about a certain swingset.
…and to the people who actually read these comments…we’re joking. i didn’t out him. he’s been out, and about…and everybody loves him. case settled. now let’s dance.
i didn’t know.
That’s good, Kelly (said with an extremely low voice, spitting on the floor).
OMG…laughing and feeling the love between you now!!! love the bond you crydy’s share!!!
lol on kelly’s comment…I didn’t know.
rik, come on, share the swing set story!!!!
xoxox
love and honesty – can’t have one without the other. a post full of both = beautiful.
and yes, a whole whole lotta weird. as for the backstory most never hear the whole thing. i’m weird enough without it – throw that in there and i think they might start to back away. plus i prefer not to remember the sad and weird and since i have a pretty bad memory its not too difficult.
i choose to remember spontaneous trips to florida, mystery trips with clues i could never get, and dreams made while sitting on a stack of suitcases.
i love you kelle – weird and all. oh gee, now i’m all teary.
My motto has always been: “Remember the best, let go of the rest.”
So true, isn’t it? And remembering this when other people make very different decisions from your own is key. I have a friend whose parenting couldn’t be more different than mine but we both parent with love and manage to never get into the details of breastfeeding or discipline. Because we know what matters.
And your dad. Poppa, I think you are amazing and courageous. Funny that I feel a tiny part of your Michigan-Florida family. I feel like I know Lainey through your beautiful pics and words. And that I know Carin and Poppa through comments.
Yes, blogging has surprised me too.
And now my favorite poem:
The Summer Day
Mary Oliver
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?
I’m so glad I came back to read again…the poem leaves me breathless….
yet,
breathing.
thanks.
360…everyone!!!! Now didn’t that feel good, and everything looks better! I am convinced that normal begets weird and weird bets…well, sorta’ normal! Give me another 360! Actually, I’m going for a record on comments…we’re nearing 20!
These comments. They are so beautiful, and I keep coming back today to read them. …and some have e-mailed me privately and I’ve been so touched by the receptiveness to…love. Tish…love you and the bond we have from that past. Yes, I too remember only the good.
And Nici…your poem just gave my heart a beautiful epiphany. I will meet you someday, my soul sister. I called my sister last night at midnight and asked her if I should post this…if it was too much…if it would offend. She said…”definitely post it. I bet you’ll find that it strikes more of a chord in people than anything else you’ve written.” and, wow. …for the record, the pain of the past was after effects of a very bad divorce…nothing my mom or dad did. They both did nothing but love us…and for that I’m thankful. Kissing the universe tonight. Thank you always for your insights, for caring to read and for taking the time to leave a comment/e-mail. My inspiration is always drawn from what I learn from others…you all included.
Renoir, painting through the excruciating pain of rheumatoid arthritis long beyond the time when he should have laid his brushes down once answered–when asked why he still pursued the art, “The pain passes, the beauty remains.” Yes, in the pursuit of truth and being real, you eventually just forget the pain of the pitted path–an press on to the light before you. Read “The Velveteen Rabbit” one more time–Marjorie Williams was right…”…you can’t be ugly again, just to people who don’t understand.”
oh, hell! The Velveteen Rabbit! We had a reading at our wedding from that story. I promise this is my last really long comment (well, on this post anyway).
“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
I just did a post including the mary oliver poem and will soon do one with this too. Thanks for reminding me about all of this important stuff.
Oh, you have to be kidding me. Tears…that’s beautiful. Seriously, going to Borders this week to buy her The Velveteen Rabbit because we don’t have it yet. I love that you had that read at your wedding…just love it. And I can’t wait to read your posts about this. xoxo
OK, Dig…I wanted to include that entire text, but didn’t have it handy…I use that at the other end of life’s spectrum…at funerals, and it is often so poignant for those whose loved ones, through chemotherapy and other horrendous efforts, left them “…with their hair loved off…” and try to remind them that love makes us all real. Thank you! Hey, you can write all the long comments you want…and I really want my girls to connect with you someday…you are another of their sisters from another dimension!
Kelle, there is also a beautiful film version/DVD with Meryl Streep reading the book!
Ladies and Gentleman, we have reached 24 comments! Someone must press on to 25! There is nothing like dysfunction to shake up some dialogue!
I would like to hereby proclaim myself,
Commenter Number 25.
I love this thread of thoughts…
makes me feel sort of…
fresh and new,
and okay.
peace.
screw dysfunction.
what is really heating up these comments is the love that is so completely evident between a wonderful group of people.
i find the love of your family incredibly inspiring.
unfortunately…i wish i could say more, but my mom apparently can’t wash the kids hair without getting soap in their eyes…because they are both screaming and crying.
so i must exit.
i may be back.
talk about dysfunction.
wow.
i was able to rescue everyone by saying, look at the lights…splash, shampoo out.
i had to mention…those ankle warmers? adorable.
oh, jen…your words made me smile.
kelle…did I not tell you this post would solicit more comments than ever received? not that that’s the goal, but still, I’m just SAYIN’…I’m not afraid to say I’m a comment whore (sorry aunts and uncles who read this blog) and I KNOW you are too…
loving all the banter on here…going to schulers to buy velveteen rabbit tomorrow…loving all the connection with blog strangers, no matter what my husband says about it…going to bed tonight less anxious about “ruining” my girls…because, you know what? I LOVE THEM. really love them. And because of that, they will be OK.
g’nite.
29 comments and counting…
thought I’d make it 30…watching SNL…coldplay is on and I’m in LOVE. chris martin is just so…free. so much so it gives me chills. I get him. and I get you.
ellen.
it could happen.
it will happen.
that made me laugh out loud. this week, baby. this week.
i can see it.
you, me, dad, and bubby…dancing.
and mom, in the background doin’ the hokey pokey. can you do the hokey pokey to kanye west?
we’re gunna dance.
I’m in.
Really in.
…and happy.
360.
This is a great post!! Truly, are there any “normal” people in the world…those who have not been scarred or somehow warped by others?? I think not! But hopefully, we all have experienced and given love!! There is nothing better…even the Bible tells us that! You are blessed, Kelle!! Your entire family is…can’t even express how much Lainey is!
That is so absolutely true Kelle!! You were so loved by so many and that is why you are not just normal, you are wonderfully awesome! That is so true what you say about Lainey. She is loved by so many and that is what she knows and feels so everything else will fall into place. I love you fam too. They are so fun and you guys are so great when you get together. Love that Kryderman clan!
I have gotten the “why are you so normal comments many times in my life too:)” and you are right because I was LOVED! Perfect way to explain. Now that I am a mother just love and it will all fall into place. Skye… Joe Life just love. Deep post and as ususally love the pictures love her and Brett in pictures togehter! your dad is too funny:) Your relationship is amazing:)
I’m so sad I didn’t get online this weekend! (I hate sharing the computer with kids!) I feel like I’ve missed out on all the love! But alas, I have not because I have the honor of being a part of your family. I love telling people the story of you talking about Brent as the guy married to your cousin. ha! We are so blessed. And does my mantra not fit perfectly for this post? “Love wins.” Always.
What a beautiful family. Your honesty is inspiring. You all are just buckets and buckets of inspiring amazing creativity that has only come from the pain and hardship you ALL had to endure.
Your blog is a blessing and an indulgence for me…makes me happy and gives me inspiration.
Need I say it again!!!?? Do you get sick of me saying it!!!???
You Cryderman’s are a one-of-a-kind mix of beauty and rarity.
Thanks for sharing.
Just stumbled upon this older one and love it Kelle. Almost doesn’t feel right to read it as it this was posted during a time when your blogging was more “private” and getting to 25 comments was a big deal!
But I needed it – I was worrying today if I was making the right choice for my son (a simple one, whether to send him “old” or “young” to school with a summer birthday) and now am going with my gut, not what the school says. I LOVE LOVE LOVE him and he will be OK because of that.
Hugs from Iowa,
-Jenny
I somehow stumbled upon this post today and was, well, blown away. So beautiful, so real. And so true, love.
Steph
Kelle,
I just read this. I am tardy for the party, but I’m here! Guurrll, I wish you lived near me, because you are an inspiration. My children (now 12 and 9) have lived through a bad divorce, but we are all good now. Opportunities for growth abound. Love is all around. I look forward to reading your blog every day…it’s like having my coffee with a good buddy!
My Dad is gay as well. I hope this will be dealt with in your book as a lot of people go through the same thing as you.
What an amazing post. I am reading my way through your blog and this post is just completely what I needed today. So were all the comments! The Velveteen Rabbit piece that Dig mentioned was also read at my wedding. Love that little passage. Thanks for keeping it real and beautiful!