half-full

it’s 5:09 a.m.

i’ve spent the last 45 minutes thrashing and readjusting my pillow only to accept the realization that the return to blessed sleep is not going to happen.

i focused on the whirrrr of the sound machine, sipped the watered-down ginger tea on my nightstand, shifted the balled-up wad of down comforter wedged uncomfortably beneath my neck and finally opened my eyes enough to see that the green glow of 4:45 a.m. beaming from the alarm clock illuminated the sleeping little next to me just enough to see her envious span of thick, curled lashes and the way her lips purse all newbornish when she sleeps.

i reached over and held her hand as her fingers closed instinctively around mine.

and then i closed my eyes and attempted one last time to slip into dreamland…even gave myself a headstart with my dream of choice–the visualization of this same scene fast-forwarded a bit with the addition of a bassinet snuggled up next to my side of the bed and one more tiny face to be illuminated by the green glow of mid-night numbers. and although that dreamy image didn’t put me to sleep, it did rather awaken me enough to realize, amid all this sickness and exhaustion, we are just so entirely blessed.

friday was a good day.

i actually shed the thread-bare fibers of my 3-day grapefruit-stained yoga pants and wore jeans.

curled my hair. smeared some lipstick. left the house.

did a newborn photo shoot where the breathy cries and burrito-wrapped bundle of this little guy had me completely inspired to feel all this again…

and then i totally gung-ho’d on my feel-good stretch and went nuts thinking of all i could do…finish some edits, clean, build a fort for lainey, swim, paint, make dinner. i stopped when my enthusiam suggested party-planning and cartwheels and the sensible part of me settled for making spaghetti where austyn obliged to cook the sausage first so i wouldn’t have to look at it. (and let me tell you, typing the word “sausage” is hard enough. like when brett said “hot dog” in the car the other day, and our marriage near shattered.)

the boys have been fantastic. a neighbor lady hired brandyn to water her garden while she vacations and, bless his heart, the other day he proudly came home with a cluster of herb leaves he robbed her of (against my knowledge…and, well hers too, i’m sure) in the hopes that the concoction would help my nausea.

not sure if basil leaves help nausea, but it definitely gave a delightful kick to my spaghetti sauce. thank you poor neighbor lady.

and right when friday was manifesting itself as my favorite day this week, i got a call from this inspiring friend where we gushed about womanhood and motherhood and all these shared feelings we girls are blessed to own.
(oh, and please read her last post…it is so my life right now and she articulates it flawlessly).

and i guess i don’t write all this to find pity (but, oh how the support is beautiful. i am touched by every e-mail, every text, every phone call, every client who tells me not to rush on their pictures because they heard i’m not feeling well. every mama who shares tips like ginger tea and peppermint oil and just the comfort that it’s okay and good and beautiful all the same.) i write because it is part of this incredible life-making journey, and while not every woman is “blessed” to feel sick, it’s a journey i feel accomplished with in the end. and it’s really not so bad. there’s trade-offs.

like i gave up my real coffee, but my little makes me her fake version every morning and seriously, is it just delicious.

(notice the unders…i found seven pairs layered on her the other day. she has lots of favorites and likes to wear them all at once.)

oh, and then there’s the fact that my junky lounge clothes are finally finding uses again. and i’m saving on gas. and cherishing these cozy afternoon naps with her.

and discovering all these natural feel-good remedies. like i never knew how fast a headache goes away when you rig up your chair back massager on the bed, lay flat on it, arch your back, position your head just so, and shiatsu the heck out of your scalp. a sight none is meant to see, of course, but hey, it works.

so does sitting in the shower and smearing noxzema everywhere so steamy fumes trance me out. i’ve tried anything anyone’s suggested, and it’s crazy how much better i feel. i actually took a hunk of grapefruit peel to a birthday party the other night and, albeit looking strange, sniffed it every time i got a whiff of stomach-swaying appetizer fumes. (steph, if you find a dried up rotting rind in your house, it was me…i think i left it on a table somewhere).

so there. i’m fine. life is beautiful and good and funny at times.

and there’s the hope of growing out of all this and yes, planning parties and doing cartwheels.
speaking of growth, the little grew a whole inch in three months!

i love her crazy much these days, as if that distinguishes it from any other day, but she’s wise beyond her years and i think she gets everything that’s going on, i really do. when i throw up, she stands next to me in the bathroom with her hand on my shoulder and when i tell her it’s okay, mama’s tummy is sick, she runs and gets her puppy, her heal-all for all boo-boos, and rubs its treasured nappy left ear on my belly and says…little baby.

see…now i would’ve missed a moment like that if i wasn’t so sick.

oh, the glass is not half-empty. it’s so very half-full.

drink up, my friends. ~k

oh, and i almost forgot. happy first birthday, little skye-bear. may your precious little life be just as beautiful as you are.