There’s a wad of cash, rolled up like sushi and secured with a hair elastic, tucked in Lainey’s top drawer. It’s an impressively thick roll with a 5 dollar bill secured on the outside, and with the girth of the wad and the sight of the “5”, at a quick glance it looks like it could be a $500 bill–like maybe she’s a baller. But really there’s a bunch of wrinkled ones underneath that 5 for a total roll of roughly $22–enough for three Shopkins mystery packs, a Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker, another plastic charm for her necklace and two puzzle erasers. In other words, she’s rich as hell. The money’s been collected over time–from tooth fairies and grandparents and the one time I was so tired, I paid her $5 to brush my hair and massage my head–and has been sitting in the drawer for a while now, which is more impressive than the wad itself because 8-year-olds who don’t need to spend new dollars right this second on hair chalk and stick-on fingernails are the kind of kids who will have a down payment for a house when they graduate high school.
But then the weekend came around, and Sister had mall dreams. Mall dreams are the very first buds of what will, over the years, mature into farmer’s market dreams or downtown Main Street dreams or maybe brunch-at-a-cute-coffee-shop dreams, but at 8 years old nothing’s more dreamy on a Sunday morning than picking up a sugar-dusted Auntie Anne’s pretzel from the food court and zig-zagging through mall tchotchke kiosks to get to Claire’s where you can spend your hard-saved roll of cash on dangly feather clips for your hair and sparkly hand sanitizer holders that clip onto your backpack.
I decided to take all three kids which, I admit, was a mistake. Brett offered to keep Dash, but he saw his sisters walking out the door, accessorized to the moon which clearly said, “We’re on our way to do something awesome,” and he lost it–didn’t want to be left out. So all three it was.
The shit hit the fan when, after promising the little ones a carousel ride, we waited at the carousel for the clerk to come back. He never did, so we walked away, and everything went sour. Lots of crying, lots of refusing to walk, lots of people walking by, smiling “Oh honey.” I brought a single stroller and tried to hold one kid on a hip while pushing the other, but it was too hard so I stacked up both of them in the stroller which led to kicking and more crying.
But the climax? I was weaseling the stroller through some shirt racks, hurrying Lainey to pick something out, shushing the little ones and promising them we’d buy a balloon or a lemonade or a pony if they’d hang on just a few more seconds–and I heard a woman say, “M’am?”
I turned to see the twenty-something store associate, adorable as ever, holding a pair of Batman underwear from one finger, her arm stretched as far away from her body as she could get it. And I suddenly figured out where they came from–from the basket of the stroller. I had thrown them in there a few days ago after a pee accident in another store and forgotten to remove them.
“Are these underwear yours?” she asked.
And this is where I tell you that motherhood is 2% effort and 98% humility.
“Own it proud,” I told myself. Retrieve those damn underwear like you dropped a hundred dollar bill.
I pulled my shoulders back, flashed a grateful smile and leaned forward to take back what was mine.
“Why yes,” I answered. “Yes. Those are my dried-up, peed-out Batman underwear. I’ve been wondering where those were. Thank you so much.”
I tucked the underwear in my purse, turned to gather the kids and stopped only to call back to the associate.
“And, um, Ma’am?” I held up the pink t-shirt Lainey was eyeing. “If you have this in an 8, we’ll take it.”
Heck yeah, we paid for it in ones.
********************************
Enjoying less embarrassing but equally adventurous this week:
#squadgoals
Nella’s Crown Royal Bag
My dad filled it with Costa Rican coins and gave it to the kids, and now it’s her purse of choice for outings which is a little bit amazing.
Matching
We’re on a roll lately. You can take Full House away from the girl, but you can’t take the Olsen Twins away from…wait, this doesn’t even make any sense. Nevermind.
Naples City Dock
We had some time to kill while Lainey was at a birthday party downtown, so I took the little ones to the dock to watch fishermen bring in their catch (saw a baby shark catch!) and pelicans loiter for scraps.
Summer skies
Since it’s an enjoying post, I can’t exactly rant that the heat and humidity has arrived with its bags, and it’s here to stay for a long while (sweaty thighs for days!). But the accompanying skies are beautiful–as blue as ever with little cloud fluffs and the promise of summer fun to come.
Thirst Quench
Is there anything better on a hot day than finding a place that sells cold Cokes in a bottle? Or settling in a window seat at a pizzeria to skip the people watching on the outside in exchange for gazing at your own dreamy-eyed lovies next to you? No, there is not.
Poolside Poop.
As in Poop the Barbie, who pushes Naples indecent exposure laws to the limit. The topless beaches are in Miami, Poop!
Family Swim
Way more fun than the mall.
“Higher!”
What they want, what I hope to support…go higher! Higher! HIGHER!
Happy Tuesday! Washing all the underwear today!
Ann says
Oh how I love this post! Way to own those underwear!
Stephanie says
“Own it Proud.” I so needed that this week. Thanks for airing some of your dirty laundry????, I hope I would have the grace to do the same.
TarA halL says
Possibly my favorite post to date.
Great Gut laugh.
Monique says
The underwear LOL:)
Beautful post..you Olson twins look fabulous as does the rest of the clan.
Stephanie suire says
Love the humility and humor that comes with motherhood. My days of (clean or dirty) underwear in my purse are gone, but I can totally relate. The days are getting warmer here in Dallas, and I am clinging to the warmth before the humidity takes over. The pool opens next week. Summer is almost here.
Jessica says
Best Mother’s Day post ever!!
Sarah says
Loved this. SO much. Happy Mother’s Day!
Tiffany says
This is post had me laughing out loud. Love how you keep it real and I am so envious of your amazing photos.
Jodi says
Awesome, hilarious adorable post! You are an inspiration to all! The matching dresses and full on shopping gear on the kids is just magical! Happy Mothers Day!
ChristinE says
Kelle where are your green sandals from? Love them!
Kelle says
Hi Christine,
They are Sanita clogs, purchased a couple of years ago on Zulily.
MichElle says
Loved this! We moms all need to own those underwear every now and again!
Becky says
Knew the minute I saw you were taking all three to the mail I was going to be rolling. Love this post, love your kids, love you! Happy Mother’s Day to an awesome mom. Becky
Christine says
I laughed so hard at this post. No childhood is complete until you transform a cloth liquor bottle bag or something of the like into a purse and refuse to be seen without it. Thank you for this infusion of joy into my day.
Mandi says
This is my favorite. Ever. So glad we aren’t the only ones who lose their dignity to things like peed in underwear. High five mama!
Reenie says
*The top pic of the kids…. oh my, darling.
*Love you and Nella’s matching outfits and sandles.
*Poolside Poop!! HA!!
*Own it proud. 🙂
*Lainey looks so grown up.
xo
Tracy says
I nearly peed my pants reading this – laughing so hard! GREAT post!
Abbi Hearne says
Girl!!! Nella looks so grown-up in that last photo. Man. I’m feeling feels here! I’ve been reading your blog since I was in high school, right after you had Nella. That’s crazy to me. That was the year I met my husband (I was 16…ha!) and I’ve loved reading ever since. I cried when Lainey went to Kindergarten because that was the year I started my freshman year of college (if I remember correctly) and I read your letter to her from my momma’s perspective and sobbed like a big freakin baby. I remember when you got pregnant with Dash! I’m getting so sappy now. I seriously just meant to comment that Nella looks grown up and here I am reflecting on my last 6 years of life and how crazy it is to have loved your little family from afar for all that time. Internets are cool. Keep writing and loving Kelle, you’re freaking good at both.
Linda says
Did you know that JoAnn Fabric & Craft store sells Shopkin fabric?? They do!! The first time I seen it, I thought of you 🙂 They also sell shopkin things.
rihandi says
the #squadgoals picture made me smile so hard 🙂
Marnie says
What a day brightener! Thank you for this. Where did you find that awesome charm necklace? I have a little girl who would just adore this!!
Anna says
Hi Kelle! Where are your and Nella’s matching shirts from? I too am on a matching kick with my daughter 🙂
Laurie says
Not a regular comment maker (hanging head in shame) but I had to say something because this is by far one of the best blogs of yours to date. So, so relatable, sadly haha.
Rena says
Literallly lolled at this. Love it! Youre doing a great job!!
Rena says
*Literally
Melissa says
Bwahaha, oh how I can relate, sister!! Too many times have I received the evil eye for stacking my two kids in an umbrella stroller.
I let daddy take big brother to soccer one evening; he must have been more interested in the scrimmage than his young daughter because all the moms later reported that my little princess dropped trou and peed a puddle in the middle of the playground amidst the horror of all their onlooking children. I was impressed she didn’t soak her shoes like she usually does . . . and more than a little proud of her independence.
SARAH says
The Crown Royal purse….glad to know my kids aren’t the only ones
Jeanie says
You are the best mom!
Haley says
haha, I would have been so mortified about the underwear.
Love the Crown Royal bag. My daughter will only drink out of shot glasses at my parents house.