This story is shared with Lainey’s permission, with a little time and space between when it happened and when it was written to preserve what’s special and to protect what’s tender.
“Fifth grade is when it starts,” everyone told me, with eye rolls and heavy sighs. “The Drama. The Mean Girls. Those girls, man.”
So, I braced myself for what Lainey would face. Fifth grade was my last year of public school before my mom pulled us out to home school, so I don’t have very many memories of drama and girl fights, unless you count that girl in my church home school group who raised her hand all “Pick Me! Pick Me!” to read the Crucifixion story aloud for Easter service when she knew I wanted to read it. (#churchkidprobs) But that’s as good as it gets.
I know my girl is confident and cool, and I trust she has all the tools to deal with relationship issues with girls if they arise, but also: Circle of Trust eyes to all children in my path as I walk her to class in the morning.
What I’ve discovered this year though, is that the exact kind of girls I want my kids to be friends with–the kind ones, the strong ones, the kids who lift up rather than tear down–they’re out there. And this year, it was fifth grade girls who reminded me one of the most important lessons that sums up what a good friend should be.
To begin, let me explain a little something about our family: We’re not that sporty. We’re artists and writers and music lovers. Give us a creative writing essay, a visual aid for a science project, a costume assignment for a social studies character, and we will take it home. But sports? We’re only in it for the cool tennis shoes and the cute jerseys. As my dad recalls from his junior high basketball memories, “I just hoped the coach wouldn’t put me in. When he did, I prayed no one would pass the ball to me.” (See also, his cross country recollection: “I threw up a lot and crossed the finish line when they were folding up tables and track mates were already on the bus.”)
Not that we don’t hold out hope. When Dash was born, I remember my dad cradling him in the hospital room and saying, “I can already hear the announcer…’And Dash Hampton makes the winning touchdown!’ It’s a strong name for a football player…”
(three second pause before he continues)
“But just so you know, I can also hear, ‘And the first runner-up for the flower arranging contest goes to...Dashel Hampton!’” We all laughed.
“Either way, we love him and root for him, Dad. He’s going to do awesome things.”
All this to say, much like me, Lainey’s idea of hell is Field Day, the one day a year when the school dedicates an entire day to sports and competition, and students rotate through various sporting events representing their class as a team.
While some kids see this day as “FUN! FUN! FUN!”, my kid views it as “DEAR GOD, NO, THE PRESSURE.” Which, if you’ve ever been a fifth grader running the last leg of the relay race with twenty classmates watching and screaming “GO! GO! YOU’RE BEHIND! WE’RE GOING TO LOSE! RUN FASTER!,” you get it. It happened to me back in the day, and I wanted to throw the damn baton in their faces and scream, “It’s a fifth grade relay race, assholes, not the Super Bowl.” And then there was Brian Mueller who dramatically kicked the cone when I lost and huffed, “Because of YOU.” So, I totally get it, Lainey.
This awareness of sports not being “her thing” along with the pressure of performing and the fear of losing or falling or not being fast enough has made Field Day one of the most dreaded days of the year. So that morning in our house for the past several years has been spent encouraging “We can do hard things” and reminding her that it’s more about having fun and showing up for her team and not at all about winning or being fast. And as I push her out the door, I hope the kids in her class will do the same.
I knew it wouldn’t be an easy day for her, but I quickly forgot about Field Day after I dropped Lainey off this year until later in the afternoon when I got a text from one of her teachers.
“You would be teary-eyed if you saw what just happened on the field.” A picture came through of Lainey–all smiles–with a huge huddle of fifth-grade girls around her.
“She didn’t want to do the potato sack race,” the text continued, “She was afraid she would fall, but the girls got around her and started pumping her up. They were chanting–”
(and here’s where I lost it)
“If you fall, we fall, we all fall together.”
My girl who was so stressed about being the team mate who might disappoint, the one to hold back her friends from winning, was surrounded by girls who were telling her they didn’t care about winning as much as they cared about her.
That’s it, right there–the nugget of truth that will make girl relationships as beautiful as they can be, the guide to good friendships, the key to building and keeping a tight-knit community: When you rise, we rise. When you fall, we all fall.
They assured her that if she fell, she wouldn’t fall alone. They wouldn’t run off without her or make her feel bad for falling…they’d fall with her. This is what girls want, and the desire only gets stronger as we get older–to feel freedom to reveal our weaknesses and have them embraced and strengthened rather than judged, and to succeed from hard work and using our talents and be able to share our celebration with friends because our win is a win for all.
This year, I have been continually impressed by the beauty, love and support of fifth grade girls and the way they celebrate each other when one succeeds and help each other when one needs support. And I’m so proud to be able to use our own friends as examples as I teach my girls about strong women and the power we have to build community.
The afternoon I picked up Lainey from Field Day, I could not stop smiling as I texted her teacher: “You’re never going to believe what Lainey just told me…on Field Day:
‘Today was the best day ever, Mom.'”
P.S. And guess who just decided she loves tennis? Her Hampton genes are pulling through.
What a lovely story. I can so identify with Lainey (I hated and was really bad at sports of any kind). I’m so happy for her that the day turned out so well.
❤️ I have a fifth grader too and worry everyday about influences and choices and other kids. Middle school next year.. ugh! But this was beautiful!
If you cry, we all cry. We all cry together!!
What a great story. And how true that it’s all we want as adults now.
Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, how beautiful. :’)
Girls! I love the fact that I get to raise two amazing girls.
I love this and it is exactly how I teach my girls and how I want them to treat others. Unfortunately, being in 6th and 3rd grade, they have experienced the bully and mean girl drama clubs. The kicker, they go to a Christian school. Yep, I know that doesn’t matter, just sad. It’s everywhere.
oh the tears! Like the running down your cheeks kind of tears! I love that Field Day ended up being a positive experience for her! Sounds like she has an amazing group of friends!! xox
I agree with you about 5th class girls. They’re horrible sometimes. My daughter is extremely sporty and very successful at it too. She’s also very sensitive and insecure (we don’t know why) and she had a horrible time from 5th onwards. So horrible we put her in a private school from 7th grade onwards. Now she extremely happy. We’ve no spare cash but the change in her mood is worth every cent.
I LOVE this story:) Kids can be mean and bullies..but also.kind and thoughtful♥So glad they were so supportive of her;) I love your dad’s greetings 🙂
Totally sitting in the parking lot of Michael’s, crying my eyes out. I love this! And I have a 4th grade EXACTLY like that! But again, I was handed a tennis racket to play baseball in 5th grade. So yeah, it’s no surprise. 😉 But, this post eases my mind a bit about 5th grade. It’s all about good friends!! Raise ‘em up high, raise ‘em up right!
Oh the tears reading this! I have a 4th grade daughter and worry a lot about this very topic. I often tell her that it’s not about how many friends she has, but knowing she has a few true friends that she can truly count on.
And I just bought “Dear Girl,” on your recommendation, to give her for Valentine’s Day. I was a mess reading it for the first time, but it’s everything all summed up on those beautiful pages.
Thank you for sharing such a tender story about your daughter. I’m so grateful (as I’m sure you are too) that God placed such good girls and friends in her path. Prayers that she’s continually surrounded by good friends and can be one to lift another when her time comes.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story with us, Kelle and Lainey. What a lovely reminder of what true friendship is. Falling and rising together. May we all be the kind of friend that is willing to fall down .
I’m not usually a “commenter”, but had to share that this brought tears to my eyes! So proud of Lainey and her friends, they are just as lucky to have her!
Love, a proud aunt 🙂
What a beautiful story! Some of my kids have friends like that, I just hope all of them will eventually have friends like that too!
Love!!!!
This is BEAUTIFUL! How do I teach my kids to be like this? OH I hope they can make good friends who can support them!
As a 5th grade teacher, I am always sharing stories and scenarios to the kids to encourage kindness. You’d better believe this is going in my bank of good stories to share!
This age has its challenges as any age does, but I have to say, the balance of innocence and fiesty makes it my favorite. It’s a treasure to watch children grow and mature.
I teach 3rd grade and my class this year is girl heavy (13 in contrast to my 3 boys). I joke I’d rather have a class full of boys… ugh, drama. I have tried so hard all year to create a genuine atmosphere of empathy and unity. Most days I feel like I’ve failed, but occasionally I see little glimmers of it sinking in. How they respond or adjust their tone. How they let someone take the lead… I praise God for those moments. I bet Lainey will remember that forever! And I hope this is a nod to the future of girlhood. Love, empathy, and unity. ❤️
Such a beautiful post and all I hope for my currently 3 year old daughter one day.
This reminds me of a sermon I heard in church years ago!
The Priest told the story of how, at a Special Olympics race when the sound went off for the race to start, the kids all started to run. Then all of a sudden one of the kids fell and that’s when the other kids all turned and looked at the runner who fell and they all ran back together…helped the runner up and all ran to the finish line together holding hands! What a beautiful message that was! We are all winners!
Needless to say the people in the congregation were wiping tears from their eyes!
I love your beautiful stories! The apple didn’t fall far from the tree…your Dad’s stories and messages are just as powerful!
Love, from Wisconsin
This brought tears to my eyes. I too have a fifth grade girl and I stress so much about her finding her squad as we recently moved. I will hold onto this nugget of hope and believe that she soon will. Thank you and to Lainey for sharing this story.
Love this! You are such a good Momma! I love life’s little wins (big wins actually) that our kids learn along the way. Life can be hard but things can be overcome if we face our fears. My daughter is 25 now and I’m proud of her too. These things mean a lot. Thanks for sharing.
That is so cool!
Oh my gosh, its a beautiful story. You got me teary eyed!
I love this story and the fact that Lainey is surrounded by a group of girls like this. My 8th grade daughter has been so-far successful in surrounding herself with amazing friends. She is quite sporty, which definitely comes from her dad. I was more of the “participation ribbon” kind of sporty successful… which is really a nice way of saying “yay, you came to school today”. Anyway. last year she was on the school hockey team, and the other team got a goal and the coach literally said to her “that one was on you”. I wanted to strangle him, but she just said it was okay because the goal was her fault. So I suppose she is learning about a thick skin in all her sporty successes… but my mama bear heart is a little behind!
Gorgeous and really nice result. Its those small moments that make the effort worth it.
I don’t have girls but sometimes I’m glad of that as I remember those tough days well.
Oh my. I’m bawling over here. I think half of it are happy tears. I’m so glad girls like those exists, and that your kids (and you) get to experience the joy in knowing them. It’s so beautiful I almost find it hard to belive.
The other half is really sad, like deepfelt sorrow because my school years were so so sooo far from anything like that. I got bullied by both girls and boys, and my gym class teacher. I think I started out like an average kid in sports, but being picked last for teams and getting mean comments on everything I did (including the teacher telling 11-year-old-me that I could run faster and jump higher if I lost some weight) destroyed that for a lot of years. Destroyed me for a lot of years.
I’m sorry, didn’t mean to ramble on. I’m so happy for you. That’s all I reeeeally wanted to say.
I’m so sad to hear that, especially the part about the teacher. Sports and PE should be focused on personal best, healthy habits, wellness, team building and FUN. It’s a shame to hear a teacher shamed you. Those things stay with you for years, as you’ve said.
Such a heartwarming thing to read! I am so happy that type of supportive, loving girl culture is promoted in her classroom!! That chant – oh my goodness- beautiful!!
For my 4th grade daughter, this was the year the mean-girl drama began in her school. I was so disappointed in the girls in her class and the schools’ lack of interest in promoting a better girl culture that I decided to homeschool. We have been at it a few months now, and it is working for our family! I am now able to be the one to help guide her into drama-free friendships and teach her how to be a good friend herself. I truly feel this is one of the most important lessons children can learn!!
Fifth grade WAS when it started for my daughter — and it was brutal. I’m so happy Lainey’s experience was different. My daughter is a freshman in high school now, in a private school away from the bullying and drama. And still, occasionally, these same girls who apparently have never grown up or out of that phase, will walk down my street, stand in front of my house, and scream horrible things at my girl. Their parents do nothing. Bullying is real and it’s awful. My daughter is lucky to have a strong group of real, good friends who value her and lift her up, amazing teachers, and a pretty kick-ass family. I feel for the kids who don’t.
I loved this post and I hope it never changes for her! ❤️ Maybe this new generation will be “the change?”
Camaraderie at its finest!
I would try to make myself ???? for field day because I hated it so much! It never worked and it’s was forever a dreaded day ! So happy Lainey found her circle to catch her!
A great movie about women supporting women is, “Iron Jawed Angeles”, It’s about the women’s suffrage movement. My son, who goes to an all boys high school, was required to watch it for History class this weekend. I started watching about halfway thru and couldn’t walk away. The courage those women had and the way they stood by each other was amazing. Thank goodness!
I love discovering secret good movies! Thank you!
This is SO awesome! With two girls of my own, I can totally relate to the “stuff” that comes with school relationships. I secretly wither inside hearing about the drama going on but hearing the awesome stories of how their friend groups just … don’t … and much rather be dramatic about the latest K-pop single! Keep an eye out for the crazies and be aware of what’s going on but do not engage. It all has to do with the relationships that they form on the own and making choices. Congrats to Lainey for having awesome friends and teammates!
I am a mom to a 31 yr old daughter and a 19 year old son. I noticed when my daughter was born 31 years ago and attended kindergarten that there had been a shift in the way kids were treated by other kids. Back in the 70’s when I was an acne faced 9th grader kids were MEAN. It wasn’t just 5th grade either. 7th and 8th grade was HARD. I got called pizza face, bumpy face, you name it. I was the last to be picked for teams for dodgeball. I wasn’t sporty either; but I sure could create a winning poster for Education Week! I digress. My son (now 19) was born with a birth defect. He was sadly the perfect kid to be picked on. But when he started school – those daycare bully days were over. Kids were accepting and kind. Same with my daughter, the social butterfly. I am not surprised at all about the accepting way Lainey was treated for the potato sack race. That’s fantastic. With all the bad things going on in the world I am encouraged more to see kids learning to be accepting and I am hopeful. I know this doesn’t happen everywhere. There will always be the bullies… but as a whole, I am encouraged that all the talk about inclusion and being different and embracing that has started to sink in and kids are just “getting it.” Love that!