As I climbed out of bed yesterday morning, carefully moving little legs that were tangled with mine–legs that appeared between me and Brett at some point in the middle of the night–I thought about our little family bed and how much I’m glad it’s a part of my kids’ childhood story. I know some parents have strong feelings against it, but I do know one thing–whether kids do or don’t shuffle their way into their parents’ bedroom in the night, the family bed decision isn’t one that’s going to send a 30-year-old into therapy someday. Neither is giving your child a pacifier or deciding not to send your child to preschool or saying no to the bright red double-velcro ridiculously obnoxious Paw Patrol sneakers simply because you think they’re ugly. The fact is, we will carry some regrets about our parenting, and we will look back when they’re no longer little and wish we would have read to them more, had more pillow fights, or said yes that time we said no. We will know certain heartaches our children went through were because of decisions we made, but we will also know that the heartaches we wish we could have spared them from are the same ones that shaped them into resilient, compassionate, strong adults. We do our best and know that regrets are ultimately part of the human experience, and life gives us many opportunities to make up for them. That said, there are a few trivial parenting regrets I carry with me as we’ve packed up the baby and toddler years–silly things that won’t necessarily put our kids in therapy, but ones I wish I could go back and do differently to make things easier today or to bring more joy to the early years. I thought it would be fun to share them, if not for the simple reason of sparing new moms from my regrets.
Regret 1: Not investing in the most important item in a nursery…a good rocking chair.
I was only a couple months pregnant when Brett and I went to the fanciest kid furniture store in town, and I fell in love with a crib and dresser. It wasn’t cheap, so I knocked off my plans for a nice rocking chair, convincing myself I could find a cheap one on Craigslist. I bought an inexpensive wooden one, but it wasn’t very comfortable, so it lasted a couple months before I got rid of it. I nursed Lainey from the couch or the little love seat we inherited from our neighbors, and when Nella and Dash were born I made do with wherever I could find a spot to sit with them which was often my bed heaped with laundry. Looking back, I realize how precious and fleeting those baby years were–how magical those hours of sitting and nursing were, and I wish I would have bought a less expensive crib and had the perfect chair instead. Rocking babies to sleep in a chair made just for that purpose is something worth investing in. Those chairs are where you nurse them, hold them close in the middle of the night, soothe their fevers, and read them Goodnight Moon and Runaway Bunny until they can recite the words themselves. So if you’re pregnant and starting to plan your nursery…you can jazz up any basic crib to be beautiful. Put your money where your memories will be…get the good rocking chair.
Regret 2: Bumping Nella from a crib before she was ready.
We got ahead of ourselves on this one. We moved Nella to a bed when I was pregnant with Dash because I thought making her more independent was the right thing to do, and also the little kid bed we moved her to was so darn cute. But she loved her crib. She slept so good in it, the crib was always her safe place, and there were countless mornings when she woke up babbling and we let her stay and play simply because the crib was where she was happy. Her sleeping patterns were never the same after we moved her from the crib, and Brett and I to this day mention several times a year, “We should have never taken the crib away from her.” I think we feel rushed as parents sometimes to get to the next milestone, but if I were to go back, I’d have let her sleep in that crib for as long as her heart desired. Don’t rush the milestones. Let them be babies.
Regret 3: Letting “Foods I Think They’ll Like” be my guiding force for what I introduced to them.
I poured applesauce in their first oatmeal because I thought it would be bland, I skipped over mashed peas to give them bananas because “Ew, gross,” and I didn’t think to offer avocado when they cried for something to eat because, duh, she wants a biter biscuit. I don’t expect my kindergartener to request steamed beets and a salad in his school lunch, but I know my kids would be less picky eaters if I wouldn’t have jumped to make their first foods flashier.
Regret 4: Not teaching them to pick up after themselves.
Oh, Debbie is loving this one. This one is haaarrrrrrd to go back and teach if you don’t start early. And to be honest, I never really thought about it as something you have to teach. I just picked up toys, all the time, wondering why I was picking up toys all the time. I realized late in the game that picking up after yourself should be A: modeled (okay, I guess I’m out) and B: taught. Taught looks like constant reminders: “Okay, if you’re done playing legos, you need to put them back in the lego bin before you pull out the puzzles.” Or “Could you please come inside and put your blocks away before you ride bikes?” I caught on and did this more with Dash, and it’s remarkable how much more instinctive it is for him to put things away without even thinking. His room is always clean. I wish I would have done less picking up after my kids and made them do it themselves because we’re catching up on learning now, and it’s a long, slow struggle.
Controversial parenting decisions I feel pretty good about though? Having a family bed, letting Lainey have a pacifier until she was 4, holding my babies all the damn time, introducing a phone to Lainey in sixth grade (lots of thoughts on that for another time, but so far, a few weeks in, it feels like very appropriate timing!)
Wait, I thought of one more regret, and this one’s important. Those precious baby pictures you took? That whole first year with all the milestones you managed to capture? The photos of toothless grins and cake-on-face first birthday celebrations? Are they on your hard drive? BACK THAT SHIT UP. I learned the hard way with Dash’s first year. Thank goodness for what I edited because I had backup copies in Lightroom, but I still lost a lot.
Any trivial parenting decisions you wish you could go back and redo? Dish ’em!
Oh, and a little P.S. for your weekend. I’m launching the second run of Ordinary Magic, a month long program near and dear to my heart intended to spark joy and creativity and bring purpose and community to women who are feeling a little stuck or want to take some time for themselves. You can read all about it here as well as testimonials from women who have been a part of it. This program is for women of all ages! Most participants fall between 25-55, but there are also women in their early twenties or 55+ in the Ordinary Magic crew. You’ll meet new mothers, empty nesters, entrepreneurs, artists, nurses, teachers, retireers–you name it. If Ordinary Magic calls to you, it’s right for you, and we welcome you!
Chelsea Stephenson says
We almost didn’t buy a rocker and I’m so happy we did, since he’s come home I’ve rocked him to sleep every night it’s where I’ve nursed him and everytime he woke up that’s the first place we went he’s a year old now and we still rock every night and it’s my favorite thing to do with him
Kelle says
I wish so bad I could go back and have one. I think they are sacred…they invite so many beautiful memories that are mothering rites of passage.
Alison says
It’s never too late! My mom rocked herself for years, whenever she would wake in the night or couldn’t sleep or anything and we big kids would always jump on. In fact, she just told me she got herself a new one, a really good lazy boy. She is 63! Plus grandbabies ????♀️
Kris says
Something to look forward to someday- you’ll get one when your a Grammie!
Lisa says
We didn’t buy one, and within a day of being home from the hospital I was really kicking myself! Luckily, my aunt had a great one from 11 years earlier when she was rocking my younger cousin. It was still in her room, and was mostly being used as a junk collector in her room – so she brought it right over! It was so comfy, and I was so glad to have it.
Alice says
I’m in my rocking chair nursing my 3 week old and just want to say thank you for the sweet post…. Parenting is such a trip. It’s temporary & heavy & beautiful. I want to keep it, hurry it?… and never want it to go away. Gahhhh.
stephany says
we moved reece out of his crib too soon and then bedtime was really hard and i wish i could take back all those nights that he would get out of bed and i would put him back so frustrated with him. i watched super nanny put kids back into bed without talking to them over and over again…why didn’t it work for me?! because he just wanted his mommy! i wish i would have snuggled him more and just let him fall asleep with me…that’s why i still love snuggling my kids now and am not huge on forcing them to get to sleep on their own…i wish i could change that time with reece.
KAtie says
All excellent parenting “regrets”! I completely agree on a good chair to nurse, bottlefeef, snuggle up and read in!
Love the Debbie shoutout- you have a great sense of humor.
Stacie says
I love this post. As a new-ish mom, I’m yelling “amen” on all of them but especially the rocking chair. My mom and aunts were insistent that I get a good rocking chair with somewhere to put our feet up. My mom reupholstered and painted hers to give us. And it’s the greatest treasure I have in our home. I still rock my way-too-big 20 month old every night. He no longer falls asleep in my arms and I know the days of him even letting me rock him are coming to an end. It kills me. I cherish every middle-of-the-night, middle-of-the-day, and anytime in between time we have in that chair.
Alexis says
While there are many parenting regrets, the one that sticks out the most for me was my youngest son’s “wooby”, his tatted, dirty, was white, then turned 50 shades of gray security blanket he had till he was about 8 years old. I wish I let him keep what was left of it ( a 3″x3″ square that had a sliver of satin left to rub), but I talked him into letting it go, so he could get a “big boy” blanket for his bed, thinking it was a good growing step for him. He’s 23 now and has moved on, but had he kept it, I wonder if he would be more secure in some situations…ugh. R.I.P “Wooby”
Rebecca wuth says
Oh my gosh- the photo back up is so important. I just lost all of 2016 and also a video telling my husband I was pregnant at a family party. My heart is broken.
Alysson says
If it helps, I gave my kid all the adventurous food when he was little. No baby cereal here – roasted zucchini and sweet potatoes were his first foods. Avocado, hummus, beets, peanut noodles, all the squashes…he ate it all. And with spices and garlic! He’s a month younger than Dash, and is now the freaking pickiest eater I have ever met. Peanut butter only – don’t even think about jam – sandwiches; cheese quesadillas, but not too crunchy; grilled cheese? Only if you call it boy cheese. He is perpetually disappointed at dinner time. Meanwhile, his sister ate the exact same way, and will try anything. Sooooo…kids, man.
Sarah says
We did the SAME thing and have two picky eaters that are just now growing out of it at almost 12 years old!! I do regret EVER introducing packaged foods- as soon as they had granola bars and cereal when we were traveling, they were ruined for all the fresh, whole food we served. ????
Hana says
My daughter will only have “ girl “ cheese . And if I say oh but we only have boy cheese left her face falls ????
Deanna says
Same! Hoping he eventually grows out of it.
Sarah Boone says
I wish I hadn’t agonized over feeding my firstborn formula.
He was a preemie, and despite trying every available trick to breastfeed, I never could.
I wish that I had spent the time I wasted beating myself up on snuggling him and enjoying the bond that comes from feeding your baby, by whatever means works best.
Especially now that he eats stale Goldfish that he dug out of the recesses of his car seat. *shrugs*
Katie Alexander says
I am with you on the crib thing! My daughters are 2.5 years apart and I bought another crib when I found out we were expecting again. My hubby was like, “Shouldn’t we just buy her a big girl bed?” but I knew it wasn’t the right time. She still felt like such a baby and she LOVED her crib. Would play in in in the mornings before getting up. I am so glad we let her outgrow it in her own time. However, one of the biggest regrets I have are not letting our girls sleep more in our bed when they wanted to. I will solely take the blame on this because I LOVE my sleep and never slept good the occasional night here or there when one of my girls would get in bed with us. I just wish I hadn’t made such a big deal out of “our bed is our bed and your bed is your bed.”
Kaydee says
I love the comments on this post. About to become a mom and I will definitely be coming back here just to read more comments!
Renee says
Mama had the rocking chair she rocked me in at our lake cabin (tiny trailer). It was so beat up that they had put a belt around the top to hold the back pad. I dont really know what happened to it, but I regret not holding on to it.
Do you have a post about how you back up and save photos? I think I remember one from a few years ago?
Liz Simon says
This one is tough…but I have therapist about it, blogged about it & podcast about it on Drunk Mom Sober Mom, but pushing through and missing out on time with my kids spending it out drinking. Nothing crazy, earth shattering, but too many nights out and not just staying and enjoying the moments with the kids. Those moments are flying by and I missed them planning my next drinking/social adventure too many times, when really the adventure was at home in the daily.
Kelle says
Such beautiful honesty here. Xo
Alison says
I bought one of those comfy, but ugly dutailer rockers off local craigslist for 150 and I still have it, in my room, for myself. My baby boys are 7 and almost 5 and I can sometimes convince them to let me rock them and pretend they’re still babies. AND I love it!
I tried to give it to my brother when he had his first baby last year, but I couldn’t do it.
Jennifer says
The rocker was definitely something I am glad I had. I know it made an impact but I didnt know the extent of it until I tried to get rid of it. My then, 4 or 5 year old son sat in my lap and cried over the thought of us getting rid of the rocker, he said “but mommy, what will I rock my babies in?” That was it, it was over. The rocker stays forever. <3
Karen says
Love this!
Renee says
Similar to the food one – I wish I had offered different cups to my now 4 year old. He still can’t (won’t) drink out of a cup (only water bottles with straws) —I didn’t introduce them early on because I was too paranoid he’d choke. First time mom regret!!
That being said, he ate ALL THE FOOD (spicy, flavorful; etc.) as a toddler and he is the pickiest eater ever right now so what can ya do??? 😉
Erin Bettis says
When my oldest daughter was 5.5-months-old, my husband deployed. It was a very isolating, difficult time acting as a single parent with our first child. Since it was just she and I all the time for about 18-months, I regret not getting into mommy-and-me classes or socializing her more around other kids her age on a consistent basis. I let my own sadness and worries about him keep us isolated a lot of the time. That mentality spilled over when he came home and we were moving out of state every 2 years. Now that she’s almost 10-years-old, she struggles with social situations from time-to-time. Although we know how funny, friendly, and loving she is, other kids often don’t get to see that because she lacks some basic friend-making skills – like when going up to someone and asking what their name is to start a conversation. It’s harder to teach her these queues/skills now. Hind sight is often 20/20, and we’re working with her all the time to help her ‘Bloom’.
Jessey says
We did splurge on the glider that didn’t match anything in the nursery but would match our living room later on – we redecorated the living room last year and I refused to put the glider back in but my husband refused to get rid of it so it is sitting in his man cave.
We lost most pictures too when a curious 18 month old pulled down the external hard drive when I was transferring pictures. 3 people looked at it and couldn’t be saved. In my case, thank goodness for Shutterfly.
Our big regret is stinking to our guns about my daughters pacifier. Starting at age 2 we’d been telling her that the one she had was the last one – once she listvitvirvit broke, that was it. It broke 2 days after her brother came home from the hospital. She never napped consistently again. For a long time I thought the napping had to do with his arrival, but years later I realized it was the pacifier. Not having a 31 month old nap when you have a newborn caused lots of tears on my part.
Vitina says
All of my regrets too! ????????♀️????
Holly alLen says
I’m so sad that I never got those beautiful professional pictures made of my newborns. We couldn’t afford it when we had our first two, and then I didn’t feel right getting them for the second two because the bigs didn’t have them. It’s such a huge regret for me.
Abb says
This is one of my biggest regrets too! I didn’t have the money at the time but now I do so I splurge on yearly photo sessions now.
Jenine says
I completely agree on the food front. My daughter (8.5yo) is not a picky eater per se, but she could be more adventurous or willing to eat what we eat – I attribute it to the same desire for success and to start with quick wins. I would give anything to go back and give her avocado! We also discovered foods she liked when she was little (e.g., yogurt, oatmeal) that somehow didn’t become a part of the regular rotation, and now she complains about them. I think if we had served them regularly, she’d be just fine with them now.
My other regret was not getting a video monitor. We thought they were pricey and unnecessary but I always tell new moms to get it – helps so much with troubleshooting WHY baby is crying, not sleeping, etc. Ironically, we now have one for her due to the fact that she has epilepsy. Not how I wanted to remedy that, but oh well! 🙂
Mary-ann says
I let all three of my kids stay in their cribs until they were 3+. When I was pregnant with my second, there was no way I was going to move my 2 1/2 year old out of his crib – it was a little nest filled with his favourite things and he LOVED it. I bought a second crib for my newborn and held onto it for when I was pregnant with my third. Our main crib was occupied for almost nine straight years between three kids and our back-up crib was used when toddlers/newborns overlapped. Best parenting decision ever.
Marie C. says
Mine are now 18, 13, and 10 and I regret not stopping to enjoy the little moments more often. I was always making sure that I was doing everything right but I now realize that “right” is different for every parent, child and situation. Sit back and enjoy them while they are little Mommas!
Jenny l. says
My husband is a retired police officer and we gave our kids cell phones early for safety reasons. They did not abuse it and we felt so much better about being able to contact them when they were away from us. I’m sure they felt good about having a phone to call home too.
Jac says
I wish I had less stuff from the get go, so Id have more time to play. Also, I’d have made baby books. I tried to make my own, thinking it would be easier, and I didn’t want to mess with my DIY spirit, but ultimately, mom hood is busy, and a premed template would have been just fine
Kari says
My guy is 4 and still in his crib. His big boy bed has been up for a year but he’s just not having it. He feels secure in his crib so that’s where he stays. I keep saying the thing is going to fall down around him!
My regret with my older kids was working. I missed so much. I was never room mom or had lunch with my kids. Missed plays and performances. My kids would be home sick by theirselves and call me at work with tempsture updates. My house was always messy because working 50 hours a week and after school activities had me constantly gone. Looking back now I think my kids would have appreciated having mom at events, a clean house and a hot meal instead of $10,000 in travel a year, every play startion, Xbox, toy & gadget.
Michelle says
I did the whole “pick up after yourselves when you are done playing thing,” and well, it worked for one out of the four. Sometimes you can barely see my 11 year old son’s bedroom floor due to the amount of clothing. So, be thankful you’ve got one!
LeAnn says
If it makes u feel any better, I nursed my 2nd child for 2 years, never gave her rice cereal, baby food or any processed foods. Mashed up tons of avacodos for her along with beets and many other fruits and vegetables. I ate tons of salads while nursing her. She is 9 now and won’t eat any of that stuff!!! Asparagus and an occasional apple or strawberry. She loves rice, meat and potatoes. So basically I regret trying to teach my kids the importantace of eating fruits and vegetables. Sometimes I wonder if it’s their way to rebel against me. I give up!!! This parenting gig is hard, LOL.
Micah | Home faith family says
My parental regret: not snuggling with them more after they fell asleep on me. These little ones grow too fast and the snuggles never last as long as I wish. And yes, definitely have a great rocking chair. ????
Tia says
We transitioned our almost 2 and half year old daughter into a big bed because it was given to us, crowding the garage and t was so darn cute! But I do regret it! She slept so much better in her crib. Would you recommend switching back or since we are a month in, just training and riding it out? She still comes to us and snuggles in bed around 4:30-5am every morning and I do like that.
Kari says
We put our son back in the crib. He just likes it better. We kept the big boy bed up and encourage naps in there, but he prefers the crib. We did the bed for about two weeks and none of us were sleeping. Good luck mama!
Ann says
After having one too many computers crash on me, I have all the memory cards from every single picture I took in the last 10 years since my first was born. I but a new one each time. Phew…
Victoria says
I guess I have a “Grandparenting”
regret. I wish I had stood up
to my challenging daughter in law sooner.
It would have saved us all a lot of heartache.
Christine Stella says
YES!! to the rocker. As am almost empty nester – I can’t wait to rock grand babies someday in the rocker I used for my babies! Don’t beat yourself up and listen to outside noise about breast v bottle. Don’t be a short order chef – make one meal and everyone eats it. My kids eat pretty much anything because I stuck to this! I WISH I would have enforced reading more with my #2 & 3. I WISH I would have also enforced picking up after yourself more. Argh….
Verna J Broekhuizen says
A nice rocking chair was the very first thing we bought when we found our we were having a baby. I have never regretted that decision! It was a big sturdy wooden one and we bought a cushions for it to make it more comfy.I did not nurse our baby girls in it, just rocked them to sleep and when they needed comforting. I also rocked countless babies I did childcare for and all 6 of our grandchildren. The chair developed a creak early on and I think all the babies loved that soothing sound as much as I did. We moved within the last year from IN to NC to be closer to our grown kids and a friend who was beginning to teach 1st grade in a city school where many of the kids were needy both money wise and emotionally , and asked if anyone had a rocking chair to donate or sell for her classroom. I debated for a few days and decided to part with my well used and much loved chair. I cried and cried and my husband and daughters were surprised. That chair just held so many memories, but it now has a fresh coat of chalk pain and still is used to rock children that need soothing and I am so glad it is being used just in a new way!
Suzy says
I regret that I didn’t encourage my kids to be physically active at a young age. My oldest is a total book worm, which is wonderful in many ways but it’s hard to prod her out of the house to get some exercise. I didn’t worry about it so much when she was little but now I wish it was more engrained in her to get outside and enjoy physical activity and nature on a daily basis.
I’m very curious and would love for you to write about your decision to give your daughter a phone. Sixth grade (middle school) seems like the right time to me too, but my 4th grader is pushing me to agree to it sooner. Since she’s my oldest, I haven’t been down this road before and I’m not sure when I should relent…especially since about half of her friends already have a phone. (Not that this matters to me, but that fact seems to matter a lot to my daughter, LOL!)
Mary B. says
I regret weaning when I did. Kindergarten in Ontario us a two year, full day program for four and five year olds, but the registation cut off is December 31, which means there are three year olds in the program. My daughter’s birthday is December 29, and it really felt like I was sending a baby off to school. I had weaned her shortly after her third birthday, and if I could go back in time I would have kept nursing until her fourth birthday to see her through the transition of starting school. Her dad was also away attending a college program in another city, so breastfeeding would have reduced so much stress in our lives had I kept it up just a little while longer.
Anne says
I wish I would have played outside with my children more. My oldest has Ds and his younger siblings are twins. The oldest and the twins are only 1.5 years apart. Going anywhere was an EFFORT and a PROJECT and most of the time it was just me and the kids. After I took the kids to the neighborhood pool one afternoon and one of the twins, who couldn’t yet swim, fell in the pool while I turned my back to help her brother… well, that was the end of that. We joined another pool with lifeguards, but I was always tentative to take them swimming by myself. Anyway, leaving the house was hard. If we did brave the playground it was very difficult to divide my attention between the kids. Someone would run off, or someone would go on the big kid jungle gym without guard rails… you get the picture. So I often opted to let the kids play inside, or in our fenced backyard. I feel like I denied them a vital childhood experience and I still feel bad about it today (the oldest is 14 and the twins are 13).
Merlin says
Regret:
Letting my mind guide my mothering rather than my heart.
Damn, double damn on this, there are no do-overs.
Karen says
I have always been very ceremonial during holidays. The kids enjoyed Santa and Valentines and many holiday traditions. The biggie was Easter and the Easter Bunny to be specific. I had convinced them both for years that the bunny was real. Honed my skills to master level. My daughter was about 13 and the age “I thought” to be old enough to “know the truth.” I asked her gently if she wanted to help me make the Easter baskets. She was very enthusiastic. I was sure she had it all figured out. Easter morning she shows up in tears. “What’s wrong?” I ask. She tearfully told me the Easter bunny didn’t come. I was perplexed. I had left the baskets she and I made together at their bedroom doors like always. She said, “those baskets were from you. Where is the basket from the Easter bunny?” I stared at her waiting for a smile and a laugh of “gotcha mom.” Imagine my horror when I realized she was serious! I felt like the world’s worst mother. To this day, and she is now 31 years old, she still says that was her heartache of childhood. No way to make that one up as a mom. Biggest parenting regret ever for me.
Stephanie Akin says
I have soo many parenting regrets, mistakes, and redos. The biggest regret that I’m dealing with is my oldest was 2 when I had my youngest baby girl and we did NOT have potty training down. It was a mess dealing with a colicy baby and poop from my two year old. I have now successfully day potty trained my 18 month old, it has been such a blessing and this is what I used… https://bit.ly/2plBs7Q