We hosted our annual North Pole Party this past weekend, our kids’ holiday celebration that began eight years ago with seven little girls sitting at a table under a canopy of twinkle lights on our lanai and has expanded to fit what life looks like now — more kids, looser expectations and more experience with how to take the reins of my ENFP personality and steer it responsibly. As my personality test result explanation puts it, “Campaigners can be easily tripped up in areas where their idealism and passion are more of a liability than an asset.” I read this as: “Christmas gonna trip you up real good, honey.” I can’t help it that I’ve already selected three songs that will play during the movie montage playback of memories in my brain for holiday events before they’ve even happened. It’s just how I’m wired. I will explain how this can be a major problem in a moment here, but let’s dive into some of the party delights that make me so happy every year.
The sight of colorful Christmas cookies on a plate immediately initiates a little surge of dopamine in my brain. It’s such a happy site and combines three of life’s most wonderful things for a Joy Trifecta: colors, Christmas and sugar.
I balanced all the homemade baking with a stealthy slip-in of a boxed chocolate cookie mix that I disguised with a cute name plate and some powdered sugar dusting, but the kids were on to me. I’m sorry to report that Dancer’s Cocoa Crinkles had NO TAKERS. Not a one. I have spoiled them so much over the years that the little elves are well trained in detecting a lack homemade attempts. Or perhaps it’s because they look like cow piles and were sitting next to cups of milk I titled “Reindeer Milk”–a poor choice because nobody wants to drink that.
But the cocoa bar?
It was the hip corner of the house. They all wanted cocoa, they all drank corner, they all got a kick out of the fact that they could pour their own and doctor it up with 500 mini marshmallows and peppermint sticks and no one would stop them; and they all came back for more more more.
We made cocoa and refilled the tanks all night. I’m thinking about opening a hip bar with cocoa on tap.
Our craft this year was winter birdhouse ornaments–an easy one to set up for the kids to attempt mostly on their own (with a little supervision for the glue gun).
Do kids Lainey’s age still enjoy all of this? Yes, yes, and yes. I’m always prepared to shift things up to keep activities age appropriate, but since we keep the party focused simply on being together for a fun night, everyone’s all in.
I especially love watching the bigs with the littles. Nella was once the littlest one at the party, and look at her now–mothering the babies.
And about those lofty ENFP holiday dreams? Entertaining for the holidays is one of the best practices in recognizing the weaknesses of my emotional tendencies, but I have learned so much to help me remember what my expectations should really be. It’s similar to separating wants from needs. Do I want everyone to be smiling and laughing in an immaculate house with Christmas carols playing at the perfect volume and twinkle lights twinkling and a spread of beautiful looking homemade food that includes everyone’s favorites while children on their best behavior nestle into grandparents’ arms to hear stories that make us laugh at all the right parts, and everyone leaves proclaiming, “That was the best night ever!” I mean, yeah. But that’s not my expectation.
Here are a few of my holiday expectations for this month if you’d like to borrow them.
Expect that you will work hard to make everything perfect, but they might not notice everything you did. It’s okay. They notice subconsciously, and all these special things you do collectively gather to form the deepest, truest “I love you” that they will return to long after they’ve left the house. Do the special things only if they make you happy. If they stress you out, stop doing them. Choosing not to do them to be more present will also send the deepest, truest “I love you” that they will return to long after they’ve left the house.
Expect that things will go wrong as they always do. Cookies will burn. Kids will trip and get forehead shiners five minutes before the family photo. The most unique gift you found for your mother-in-law will also be given to her by your sister-in-law five minutes before she goes to open yours. It will rain instead of snow. The tree will dry up the day before Christmas Eve–not to mention, the lights will stop working Christmas morning. Your favorite cousin that you’re so excited is coming to your Christmas dinner will text that morning saying she can’t come. You’ll drop the Christmas breakfast casserole as you’re sliding it in the oven. You’ll forget where you hid the gift you’re most excited to give. Your kids will be dicks in front of the relatives you most want to impress. And then discover the Santa wrapping paper in your closet.
So widen your expectations to include inevitable disappointment and instead set your starry-eyed heart toward this: You can’t control anything else but your behavior and reactions. Pour your holiday expectations into your own attitude. Model humor and resilience. Nurture and Notice. Hug your guests. Refill their glasses. Ask them questions. Serve with love. Put your phone down. Listen to the music. Taste the food. Initiate a game. Hold babies in your lap. Set the tone. Step back into childhood for a moment. Play. Watch a movie. Make note of all the things that make you feel grateful for right now. Be patient with the kids–they’re overstimulated and so excited about all of the fun that sometimes the excess has to bubble over in the form of meltdowns. Take a moment for yourself. Sneak off to your bedroom with a holiday cocktail and read a magazine for ten minutes if you need to decompress. Relax. Relax. Relax.
We head to Chicago this weekend for a weekend of winter wonderland. I don’t think snow is in the forecast, and that’s okay. And last year, we went straight from the airport to my friend’s house to pick up the key to the apartment she so generously lets us use, and Nella projectile puked all over her beautiful living room. So yeah, I have the roll-with-it thing down. Do you know what else ENFPs are good at? We know how to have fun–even in the midst of disappointing circumstances.
Happy Hump Day!
Elizabeth Smith says
I could not love this more. I, too, am an ENFP and this is reading about myself. I actually teared up at the end in realization. How’d you get to be so wise about this whole need to have a Catalog Christmas? 🙂 Merry wishes to you!
Ann says
Thank you for this. I especially needed to read it today as I returned to my classroom after being out with sick kids since last week only to be called to pick them up because Of fevers abs with one having possible stomach bug. I had all kinds of plans for our Christmas this year, but time, weather, colds have gotten in the way. But I am reminded we have hosted (successfully I might add) our own North Pole Party, decorated together and snuggled up to many Christmas movies. This weekend is our annual baking weekend at my mom’s and we may have to miss out and I won’t have my cookie tins to give people as gifts but we will make some memories in other ways. Merry Christmas!
Karen says
Ironically enough I am an ENFP personality too. Add to that mix a perfectionist and you have a recipe for continual disappointment. I think that is why the holidays have been such a let down for me over the years. This year, though, I am letting go. We had a tragic fire at home the day after Thanksgiving and lost both our vehicles and burned the side of our house. You know what? I was determined I wasn’t going to let that ruin my holiday. We put twinkle lights on the house that Sunday anyway. I put up the tree and went all out on the decorations. I splurged on Christmas gifts and for the first time I think EVER I am looking forward to Christmas. I gotta learn to roll with reality vs my vision. That is why your post today really spoke to me. Thank you for posting it. I need to remember this from now on. 🙂 Merry Christmas, lady – to you and your family.
Emily of The Three Bite Rule says
Yessss! I skate the line between ENFP & ENFJ and I’m learning. Always learning. I have a 3 year old and am compelled for every minute to be magical but also having a 4 month old means I’m doing the best I can for everyone. Reading this just made my decision to let grandma be grandma and decorate gingerbread houses while I get something else done…or catch up on This is Us…whichever!
Ann says
This is me. I always make a ridiculous amount of Christmas cookies, far more than we will ever need. My tree has to be over the top, I am the first one to send out Christmas cards. But, I am trying to dial it back. We have less outside lights, I am ordering a dozen pierogi from a nearby Polish church, I don’t need to make dozens of them for the 5 people that will be eating Christmas dinner. I am sticking with a simpler menu, no beef tenderloin where we are stressing whether everyone got a piece that is done to their liking. I’ve cut back on gift exchanges and gave away some Christmas decorations that don’t thrill me anymore. It’s kind of liberating.
Kelle says
YASSSSS!!!!
Brady says
Kelle. Tell me this. This hot cocoa bar (which looks like a dream). How do you deal with the sugar meltdowns??? This is not a judgey mom post, I PROMISE. I live to give my kids fun treats like Christmas cookies and Advent Calendar chocolates but, like, five minutes later, I don’t recognize them. They become monsters. I’m considering a pre-Christmas sugar ban it’s so bad; I feel like I pay an hour of tantrums for five minutes of fun.
Mine are a little bit smaller than yours (4 and 2) so maybe that’s part of it. But what do you do? Just accept it? Roll with it? Or maybe your kids are just better behaved than mine? Would love your thoughts on balancing fun things like these with the meltdowns that can come after.
Kelle says
So it doesn’t affect Lainey and Nella as much, but it definitely affects Dash, and we have to watch. Same thing—not even hyper but just meltdowns and elevated emotions. On nights like the party, it’s not too terrible because he crashes and goes to sleep right after. But yes—I hear you!
Emily says
Mine too! They cannot handle sugar at all – literally turn into crazy people and it’s not worth it to me at all. Mine are older now (14, 12, 10) but we figured it out when they were little and adjusted what were “treats” to them – you can easily do this to set what is “normal” for your littles and they’ll love it and not know what they are missing. Nowadays mine can self-regulate and eat whatever sugar they want, but they don’t tend to gravitate towards it and only eat little bits. We do a lot of Apple Cider instead of hot chocolate – make it fun with some little red hot candies in it (a few!) Muffins and scones instead of cupcakes. Sugar cookies with sprinkles but no icing. Fruit pies instead of cake. We dip fruit in caramel sauce, do lots of flavored popcorn (cheese, sour-cream/onion, I get all natural seasonings) and when I know they’ll be getting lots of sugar at a party, I give them handfuls of plain almonds beforehand, or right after, to help the blood-sugar issues. Also, I have found that a lot of the crazy is due to food coloring and not necessarily the sugar (for one of mine in particular) – so things that are packed full of fake food colors (like kool-aid, jello, jelly beans, etc, we try to stay clear of or choose natural alternatives.)