I walked across the driveway tonight, careful to keep my steps only as long as Lainey’s legs could handle while she balanced on my feet and stretched her arms above her head. I clasped her wrists and guided her twiggy body–left, right, left, right–like a marionette puppet, and I stiffened my calves to support her weight through our synchronized dance.

She trusted me completely–giggling, letting go, giving in to my guidance. When her boot began to slip, I felt her body tense and take over. “Mama, don’t let me fall,” she said. I smiled and assured her, “I won’t.”

*****

Tuesday, we traded our yellow leotard to wear pink for ballet. It was Valentine’s Day.

As I gathered clean tights and pulled a pink tutu from the dress-up bin, I asked Lainey to find her shoes and fetch me a brush. We were going for a high bun which calls for wet hair, soft bristles and about a hundred brush strokes to pull all the fly-aways from the nape of her neck and to smooth the tiny bumps in her fine hair. Somewhere between brush stroke ninety-eight and ninety-nine–right before I secured the result of my hard work with a tiny rubber pony tail holder–Lainey shook her head and broke free. “Call Aleena,” she said. “Ask her mommy how she’s wearing her hair.” Running late and frustrated, I responded instinctively. “Lainey, you don’t have to wear your hair like Aleena. How ’bout you do your own thing, babe?”

We compromised with a half-pony tail which, coincidentally, requires half the brush strokes, and she was fine with it.

The thing is, I’ve had this idea that I have to raise a leader. That following is weak. It’s what we hear–Be a leader, not a follower. Blaze the trail. Set the trends. There is, no doubt, this assumption in our society that leaders are strong and successful and followers are somehow lesser. If “Do you consider yourself a leader or a follower?” was a question on a college entrance exam or a job application, I think most of us would be inclined to answer leader whether it was true or not because we think it’s a right answer. And, without even consciously making efforts to push leadership, I definitely sense it’s an underlying theme in my parenting.

Nella snuck into dance this week and followed along perfectly.

However, in my leadership cheerleading role, I came to a bit of an “Aha” last night when Brett’s few (cough, cough) years of age and experience on me had a moment of shining glory.

We were talking to Brandyn about the company he keeps at school, choosing good friends, making wise decisions. Brett was on a roll, doing a great job with his advice when I made the mistake I sometimes do of butting in because I want them to know I care. I am learning that caring can come in the form of a smile and a nod and doesn’t always have to be my two cents on a platter.

Last night, it was two cents.

“You have to be a leader, Brandyn!,” I exclaimed all Richard Simmons enthusiastic, checking off my things-you’re-supposed-to-say-to-your-kids list in my head. Brett flashed a look, and I knew exactly what it meant–thank you, but I’ve got this. So I smiled and nodded.

Later, when we were alone, Brett returned to the subject. “I don’t want to tell the kids they have to be leaders,” he said. “The world can’t be full of just leaders, you know.”

“So what, you want to tell them to be followers?” I asked, snarling at the preposterous suggestion.

“I want to tell the kids to be themselves,” he confidently answered.

And for a second, everything about parenting made perfect sense.

I’ve always hated Right/Wrong Parenting where things are black and white and parents make blanket statements about how things should be done. Parenting, like so many other things in life, is gray. There is no one right way to raise your child. And yet, I’ve had this black and white idea of leader vs. follower in my mind–Don’t be a follower. Do be a leader. And teach your kids to do the same.

But I love the truth that falls perfectly into the gray middle–teach your kids to be themselves.

It’s true. We can’t all be leaders, all the time. But we can help our children be themselves and, by doing so, discover ways in which they can both lead and effectively follow.

Lainey doesn’t need to hear me telling her “Be a leader.” But she will certainly feel confident when I tell her I recognized the way she took responsibility to help her sister learn some letters.

Or how proud I am to see her hold Nella’s hand and lead the way on our afternoon walks.

How I love that she makes up songs, creates new games, puts together crazy clothing ensembles and sets her friends straight.

Sometimes–lots of times–Lainey is an amazing leader.

But following is important too, and we all have ways in which we both lead and follow. At four-going-on-five, Lainey takes good direction, quietly observes situations and wants to wear her hair like her best friend. And that’s okay.

The older the girls get, I find I am continually reconstructing my parenting views–my own views–as I take on more responsibility of being a role model for my girls. I think about what I say more, how I act, what I teach my kids, and sometimes that involves changing my perspective.

I won’t always have the answers, but I do love the simplistic truth that lies in that one statement–be yourself. Letting that principle guide my parenting makes it seem so much easier. Whether my children are leaders, followers, extroverts, introverts, artists, scholars, sensitive listeners or strong influencers–I don’t need to worry so much about how to make them that way. I simply need to encourage my girls to be true to themselves. To never apologize for expressing how different or alike they are to someone else.

Same hairstyle as your best friend? Totally okay if you love it. Different hobbies than everyone else? Fantastic, you go, Girl.

There will be times in both my kids’ lives when they will have opportunities to step up as leaders. And there will be necessary occassions when they will need to follow. Through all of it, I hope they will be themselves. Because we showed them how.

I will both encourage leaders and guide followers, but for now? They’re still little. They walk on my feet and hold my hands. Baby steps for both of us.

*****

Our new sponsor is near to my heart for two reasons: I love the products and the name. Introducing Nella Designs, offering you custom designed silhouettes, prints, invitations and more. Designer Elizabeth started her company in 2008 and has been recognized by The Washington Post, Mary Engelbreit’s Home Companion and more. I smiled so big last week when I unwrapped our mail package to discover our custom designed prints for the girls’ rooms. She captured so much of my girls’ personalities from just a single photo.

Check out the little silver barrettes, her nursery art prints, or the custom silhouette jewelry.

Use Code NELLA for 10% off your order, and happy shopping!

*****

Tomorrow, I’ll be dancing with some awesome people. More to come.

Feeling some full-circle gratitude today.
In seven weeks, Bloom will be on a shelf in a bookstore.

The book trailer for Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected:

And some Valentine’s Day incentives for you if you pre-order your copy. If you’ve already pre-ordered Bloom, you’re eligible for these incentives as well, and pre-order campaign will run through April 2, 2012. Book distributors are listed on the right sidebar or you can click here: Barnes and Noble, Amazon, Books a Million and Indie Bound.

The 10-copy book club incentive sounds like a blast–I’m excited.

If you’d like to share the book trailer, you can use this post or this direct link.

I’ll be posting some book quotes and a couple more galley giveaways on Enjoying the Small Things Facebook Page between now and April 3.

Again, thank you. You readers have been such an important part of our story from the day I wrote that first grief-filled post, and you have helped spread awareness and made this sucking-the-marrow stuff feel like such a shared journey. It is, really. So, thank you.

Our family has a great big e-mail chain. Four brothers, thirteen grandchildren and thirty-one great-grandchildren, all connected. We get e-mails almost every day–happenings of the great-grandchildren, band concert moments, college interviews, 25th anniversaries, funny memories, sad memories, things that keep my grandma and grandpa very much alive. And random happenings.

It is the random happenings that make me smile the most.

Out of the hundreds of e-mails, there is one I will never forget. It was a couple years ago, and my cousin’s little boy was young. Maybe six. He had a reputation for stacking some great Cryderman e-mail history one-liners, and this one was no different. My cousin relayed to the family that her son had announced he had his life plan figured out.

“I want to be a pastor,” he told her, “…and a karate teacher on Tuesdays.”

As much as we laughed at our funny little cousin, I couldn’t help but think this kid had hit on something very important.

Wanting more than one thing out of life.

Wanting way more than one thing out of life.

*****

This weekend, it was both cold and warm.

I welcomed the cold snap, delighted to talk about sweaters and blankets and firewood.

Brett and Lainey, searching the woods for fallen branches

We used the space heater at night. Wore fleece pajamas. Drank more coffee than usual.

Friday night, first fireplace fire in a while

Saturday evening neighborhood party

Lainey’s “feeding her baby.”

By Sunday afternoon, the weekend had warmed up comfortably, and sunny blue skies called us outside.

Nella’s Matisse onesie, the best little retro Etsy shop, Lee Marie

I loved the sunshine–taking my socks off, letting Lainey run barefoot in the driveway, peeling layers of clothing off a sweaty Nella.

I also loved the cold gray skies that came again last night–wearing sweaters, making sure my babies’ ears were covered, hearing the space heater click on in the middle of the night and feeling the room warm up with its red glow.

Our mini cherry pie we baked today

*****

I took a nap with Nella yesterday. Laid down just to get her to sleep but soon felt myself getting more and more relaxed to that place I hardly ever let myself go in the middle of the day where I’m breathing slower and slower and finally so relaxed, I’m practically not even breathing. Somewhere in my subconcious nap phase, I was awake enough to hear Brett walk in and stand over us. I felt him standing there, probably shocked I was sleeping, and I willed myself not to smile or open my eyes or twitch even a little bit but to play dead long enough he’d just walk away. He did, closing the door quietly, and I was left to settle in that bed…in the darkness…in the silence. I wanted to sleep and let go and at the same time, I was writing a piece in my brain and I couldn’t not think. “Sleep,” I told myself. “Create,” I argued. “Let go,” I convinced myself. “Get up, write something, do something,” I argued. I was excited. I was sleepy.

I closed my eyes for fifteen quiet needful minutes, and then I slipped out of the room to go write.

*****

Brett watched the girls a lot this weekend while I snuck away to be alone. To the bookstore where I purused magazines and paperbacks and finally whittled my tall stack of to-buys down to one book and one magazine. I sat alone at a table in the middle of a crowded cafe and people-watched while I ate a blueberry scone and sipped cinnamon tea. It felt good, replenishing. I walked upstairs where I kind of fell into a book event–some readings, a crowd, a couple authors. An elderly man gave me his card and told me about the books he was writing and I smiled while I clutched the books I was going to buy, listening to him passionately talk about writing, vistiting past presidents, teaching his grandkids about grabbing life by the horns. I watched the authors speaking and made note of the way they captured their audience of children, the way they made them ask questions about writing and reading and pursuing their passions.

Sunday morning, I enjoyed breakfast with Margaret Cardillo, author of my current favorite children’s book, Just Being Audrey.

Signing the sweetest inscription in my girls’ book, definitely a keepsake.

We talked about heartache, laughter, success, failure, the creative process, friends. We hit it off.

And then I came home and wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of the day with my girls. Because as much as I love to be alone, with friends, pursuing that part within me that thirsts for knowledge and connection and reading and writing, there is an even more passionate need to be their mama.

To ignore the rest of the world while we play baby dolls and craft and I trace the frame of their faces, memorizing every little thing about them, knowing they will change tomorrow.

Lainey’s retro shirt, also Lee Marie

I love to be alone. I love to read, I love to write, I love to unleash those imaginative bits of my mind that are all tied up and need attention.

But I also want to dive so deep into motherhood that I forget to come up for air. My heart beats in synch with my girls’, and just an afternoon without them has me craving their smiles.

She plugs her ears because she says school buses are too loud.

*****

We made homemade Valentine presents today. Brett cut some fallen branches, and I painted Lainey’s thumbs so she could print little hearts onto wood pendants for her friends.

I had plans to cut paper and glue lace and ribbons, but Brett called me while I was at the grocery store and asked me to pick up a box of Valentines for Lainey.

“We’re making them,” I answered. “I already have the stuff.”

“Oh, come on,” he argued, “you know how much fun it is for kids to pick out those traditional little cards? I love those memories. My boys love those memories. Let her pick out some Barbie Valentines, Kelle.”

“How ’bout both, Babe? We can buy some and make some?”

I could feel his smile through the phone. “Perfect.”

Lainey beamed as she took seven whole minutes in a Target aisle to choose between Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh and some plain ‘ol Puppy & Kitty Valentines. She chose the latter, and as soon as we made it to the car, she had torn the box open and perforated every single 3-D Valentine.

I love the drawn-out process of making homemade Valentines. I like the lace remnants, the glue drips, the way Lainey’s crayon-scrawled name looks against brown paper.

Brett likes tradition, simplicity, the way his girl beams when she buys a box of plain ‘ol store-bought cards.

We compromise.

*****

Some pastors are karate teachers on Tuesdays.
Some moms want more than one thing out of life.

Contradiction? Hardly. More like different melodies that blend together to make one really beautiful 4-part harmony.

And I think that life is rich when it is full with much to be enjoyed. When you always want way more than just one thing.

*****

Returning sponsor Dashing Bee is back with its wonderful selection of consignment goods including clothing, accessories and baby gear.

Dashing Bee continually updates their shop with new goods and features a fantastic variety of quality brand names–available to you inexpensively. And get 50% off all winter clothing and shoes with coupon code WINTER50. Check them out! (photos represent merchandise currently available on their site)

*****

Finally, two inspiring updates for the special needs community:

1: I am so proud to be part of the Down Syndrome Pregnancy team and downsyndromepregnancy.org‘s efforts in Down syndrome awareness advocacy. They now have a beautiful resource available for families: Your Loved One is Having a Baby with Down Syndrome. This booklet is available for free download, and it is full of important information families and friends might need in supporting loved ones facing a new diagnosis. It is factual and yet heart-warming, full of beautiful photos (provided by you!).

2: March 21, World Down Syndrome Awareness Day, is approaching, and the NDSS is encouraging friends and families to grab this button and show your support for this important day. Friends and families are encouraged to post this button as well as share their support for promoting the value, acceptance and inclusion of those with an extra 21st chromosome (you can check out their full list of ideas and ways to get involved here).

*****

So maybe I painted my nails pink glitter today in honor of love.

I’ll be back Tuesday afternoon for a post I’m excited about.

Until then…

Happy Valentine’s Day.