Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

Happy International Women’s Day

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I’m not going to write anything special for International Women’s Day.
Instead, I’m going to write something unspecial, a simple recollection of the past week’s events here.

Wednesday, last week
I find Lainey at the kitchen table, watching a documentary on Eunice Shriver from my laptop. She has chosen her as the subject of her Hall of Americans project, due at the end of the year. I help her take notes, pausing the video so she can have time to write down Eunice’s accomplishments. We start and stop the video a number of times as Lainey’s pencil moves across the paper. “Pause it again,” she says as she copies the words on her page: Eunice Shriver turned her anger into a call for action. And again to copy the words Maria Shriver spoke about her mother: “When my uncle was president, he had one person just to manage all her ideas, all of her energy, all of the things that she wanted him to accomplish.”

Sunday morning
I arrive at my friend’s house early in the morning to take photos of the scars from her recent surgery–the first step in a journey of big decisions and proactive healthcare after a positive BRCA test, a family history of breast cancer and a lifetime of fearing that what happened to women she loves could happen to her. We drink mimosas at her kitchen counter, and tears run down my cheeks as I listen to her stories–the hours of research she’s put in, the doubt that’s haunted her about life-altering choices and ultimately the strength she’s possessed as she’s made her decisions. We find the room with the best light, she slips out of her clothes and I click the shutter as she stands tall in the morning light and bares her scars. I offer no direction but take her lead. She raises her arm like Rosie the Riveter and makes a fist.

“Can you get a shot of my bracelets?” she asks.

I zoom in on the trio of bracelets hugging her left wrist, making sure the words are in focus: Trust the Journey. One Day at a Time. Breathe.

Before I leave, I hug her. “I’m so proud of you,” I tell her.
I hug her husband too. “I love how you are supporting her,” I tell him.

Sunday night
My living room swells with girls and their mamas, all in pajamas and wearing fancy jewels. We eat popcorn and laugh and hold up “Love It!” signs as Oscar nominees walk the red carpet on the television. We gush over necklines and hairstyles, comment on lipstick and heels and I make a mental note about how much fun it is to share silly things I love with my daughter. She disagrees with me on Nicole Kidman’s blue dress but we both think the silvery blue tulle on Emily Blunt is simply ethereal.

Monday morning
I start a new book about raising strong girls and finish 50 pages in one sitting. I’m startled to read things like “Is my daughter overweight?” was Googled 70% more times than “Is my son overweight?” last year. I highlight sentence after sentence, making promises to myself that I will model self acceptance and create a home environment that never equates success with perfection.

Monday evening
I run over to my neighbor’s to say hi and end up staying for a small celebration at her kitchen counter upon hearing news that the real estate deal she’s been working so hard on for months finally closed.

Tuesday morning
I publish a post about women friendship after interviewing my best friend.

I call my friend Claire to see if she’s nailed down a wedding date, but she can’t talk long because she’s in Washington D.C., speaking about grief. She texts me a photo of her standing next to Jon Stewart.

I call my sister for parenting advice.

Wednesday morning
My friend Liz launches her organization’s fourth 3-21 Pledge to raise money for people with Down syndrome to attend college. We talk briefly on the phone before she launches it.

“You ready to do this again?”

“I was born ready,” she says.

She started her organization five years ago with a little dream and, by the end of this year, will have raised over half a million dollars and awarded scholarships to more than 150 young people with big dreams. Read more here.

Thursday morning
I text a mom at our school to see if we can borrow her daughter’s copy of Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls. She loved it so much she asked for  Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls II for her birthday last weekend–stories of extraordinary women from the past and present, changing history.

Later today, I have lunch plans with a new friend I met at a restaurant two weeks ago. She has a story I can’t wait to hear. She called me yesterday, warning me she would be interviewing me at lunch. “I’ll only tell you my story if you tell me yours too,” I told her.

There are extraordinary women all around us. They are running organizations, writing books, making lunches, rocking babies, running races, walking runways, holding hands. They are making headlines in our media, but more important, they are creating movements, changing lives and writing significant stories in their communities and in their homes. 

Happy International Women’s Day, friends.

A few of my favorite things about women and by women:

  • Please tell me you’ve read or watched this. I think it’s still the most relatable thing I’ve ever read about women.
  • An old Women Crush Wednesday interview on hitting rock bottom, finding your voice and struggling as a single mom, from a woman who inspires me every day.
  • This empowering print for a little girl’s room.
  • Put this book on your coffee table, pick it up every night to read a passage, and you’ll soon have 200 more inspiring women’s stories under your belt.
  • Or read a story from this book to your daughter every night, and you’ll have these stories tucked away together.

 

Beyond These Four Little Walls

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Good morning, friends. Before you read any further, I’m going to prep you:

  1. Grab some tissues.
  2. Pour your coffee.
  3. This is important.

Three years ago, I was introduced to Ruby’s Rainbow and met Liz, its founder, for the first time when we hugged outside an airport and roomed together in a Hampton Inn near a college we were visiting where two students with Down syndrome were attending. For me, it was a game changer in how I viewed Nella’s future and the opportunities that were available for her. Not only were the students we visited attending college away from their parents in a program designed for individuals with special needs–still a new concept in the small realm of opportunities available for people with intellectual disabilities, but they were thriving–managing day-to-day activities independently, balancing social schedules and talking about post college work opportunities with real hope. Since then, Liz and I have joined together every year to celebrate World Down Syndrome Awareness Day (two weeks away!) by bringing you stories of young people with Down syndrome who are following a path they’ve dreamed of–to leave home and pursue more education after high school like many of their friends.

Last year, in between shopping for backpacks and notebooks and making sure my kids’ gym shoes still fit as we prepared for the first week of school, I had the opportunity to slip away to St. Paul, Minnesota where another family prepared for the first week of school, but in this case it was college. Kirsta Graf, a 22-year old girl who has Down syndrome, was moving away from home and into her dorm to begin the BUILD program at Bethel University. For her parents who years before could barely comprehend what it would look like for their daughter to step on a bus and be away from them for seven hours, this was a big deal. And to Kirsta who was obviously feeling the impact of what this move meant for her as we talked to her the night before the big move, this was even bigger.

I’m not going to tell you the story today because Jay & Michelle, the videographers who accompanied us to document this journey, captured it in the most beautiful way. I cannot watch this video without ugly crying. I see Nella, ten years from now, in that car on the way to college. I see me in Alicia, hugging her and crying and telling her she’s going to do great. I see Brett sitting at the kitchen table, saying he’s worried he’s going to miss her because he likes having her around. I see Lainey and Dash in Kirsta’s sisters, locked in an embrace, sobbing before she walks up those stairs to her new home. It represents everything we want for all of our kids–to feel what it’s like to be nervous and scared as they bravely walk toward what they want in life and the shift from dependence on their parents to the trust in themselves and the strength and capabilities they posses. As Kirsta’s mom says in the video the night before we dropped Kirsta off as she explained how she raised Kirsta to think beyond staying with them forever, “I was just trying to cast a vision for her…beyond these four little walls.”

So I’m going to ask you to sit down and watch this. Whether you are a parent or not, whether you have a child with special needs or not, I know you will relate to every one of these beloved people in this story in some way.

And before you watch it, let me tell you what this video is for. Yes, it’s for so many parents and kids out there–to show them what is possible and give them hope. But Ruby’s Rainbow works countless hours behind the scenes, day after day, trying to raise money to help send students like Kirsta to college or pay for classes and post secondary education opportunities in their communities. In two weeks, we will celebrate World Down Syndrome Awareness Day. Today begins the 3-21 Pledge where we ask you to help us raise money so that more Kirstas can experience what you will see in this video. Here’s how you can help:

Take the 3-21 Pledge. 

1. Donate $21–more if you can, less if it’s a tight time–to Ruby’s Rainbow.
2. Pledge to be kind to people of all abilities. (that’s easy!)
3. Share the pledge with THREE friends, asking them to do the same.

Social media has given us so many opportunities to raise awareness and invite people to feel more than their own story, and sharing is a big component of Ruby’s Rainbow’s success with their mission. If you’re a parent of a child with Down syndrome, here’s how you can share the pledge:

“Friends and family, if you’re ever wondering how you can help parents of kids with special needs feel supported and loved, how you can help make the world a more accepting place for our kids, I have something you can do. It would mean a lot to us if you donated $21 to Ruby’s Rainbow. For our child and his peers, it grants them the opportunity to dreams we all want for our kids. For your child, it grants him a college experience that includes knowing someone with Down syndrome.”

To make the sharing even more meaningful, you can send this video and the link to the pledge to your closest friends in an e-mail, asking them to join you in the pledge.

Okay, get your tissues, and watch the story.

Please help us these next two weeks as we support Ruby’s Rainbow. Eight years into this journey, and I never forget the incredible support this community has provided. Even if you don’t have a child with special needs, so many of you have been champions for individuals with Down syndrome in so many ways, and we are forever grateful that you join us in celebrating them and advocating for them.

As Alicia, Kirsta’s mom, told Kirsta on the drive to college…”Steady as she goes. Keep your eyes on the horizon, baby.”

On Friendship: A Best Friend Interview

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One of the most frequent questions I get from writing and sharing online is “How do I get a Heidi?” And, listen–if I knew how to clone my best friend and sell her, I’d be rich. I encourage my kids to be careful when using “best” to define one friend so as not to make other friends feel bad and to keep friendship circles wide and free, but I’m almost 40, and it is a well-known and accepted fact in our circles that our friendship has earned its title. I can’t imagine life without Heidi, and everyone who knows our friendship knows that “best” isn’t about exclusivity but rather years of stories, love and support that have granted us the highest honor of friendship…the best of the best. If I’m told a secret prefaced with “Don’t tell anyone,” I clarify with, “Wait–I can’t tell Heidi?”, and the answer is always the same: “Well of course you’ll tell Heidi. Everyone already assumes that.”

Last week, we interviewed each other over dinner and drinks, answering some frequently asked questions on friendship, supporting women and what we love most about our relationship.

The waiter came by at one point after noticing the questioning and typing going on and asked, “Is this a job interview?”

“Oh, we already got the job,” we laughed. “We’re best friends.”

What would you say are the three most important things that make your friendship what it is?

Heidi: I’m going to say honesty is #1. And a mutual respect for each other as people. Like I feel like we admire so much about each other. And the safety to be or say anything. I truly believe I could call and tell you anything, and you’d be there for me.

Kelle: Well you know that’s true.

Heidi: What’s your three?

Kelle: Vulnerability is huge for me. I think we’ve both revealed our most unattractive qualities to each other and exposed the things that we don’t love about ourselves. We’ve seen each others’ houses trashed, snapped at our kids in front of each other, talked about failures, cried, admitted we’ve got messes. Once you get that out of the way, you don’t waste any time performing in a friendship to portray an image you want a friend to see–that we’re smart or good moms or funny or successful or have put-together houses or whatever. That’s exhausting and wastes so much space in a friendship that could be spent investing in real connection. We’ve both opened the junk drawers in our lives, so to speak, for the other one to see, and we’re both still here, completely unaffected by those messy parts about each other. So every forward step in our friendship can now be spent loving, supporting, writing stories, making memories, having fun and really being there for each other. I also think our friendship wouldn’t be what it is today if we hadn’t gone through hard things together. We’ve weathered disagreements in our friendship as well as some really hard things in life together. I know I’m making this way too long of an answer here, but I’d say the last and maybe most important thing is this deep desire for each other to succeed and be our best. It’s one thing to show up for each other when we’re down or laughing about the messes, but sometimes I think friendship is proven most real and beautiful when women wholeheartedly support and celebrate each other when we succeed. My life is happier when you succeed and are truly happy. If you want to be president, I’ll stake my yard with “Vote for Heidi” signs. If you have a huge victory happen or a dream come true, I want to be the first one you text so I can show up at your house to jump up and down and celebrate with you.

What trait do you most admire in each other?

Kelle: This one’s easy, and I think anyone who knows you would say the same. It’s your empathy. I’ve never met someone who thinks about others’ situations more than you. And you don’t just think about it. You do something about it. You are so good about asking the question “How can I make that person feel loved?”

Heidi: This one’s easy for me too. It’s your joy. Your zeal for life. Like you’re really fucking happy about a lot of shit. It’s refreshing.

When you meet new people, what is it about someone that makes you want to be their friend immediately?

Heidi: Good energy.

Kelle: Feeling inspired by them–like I could learn from them.

I have a hard time in friendships when…

Heidi: …people aren’t vulnerable with me. But I’m learning you have to earn vulnerability. I expect it right off the bat, and that’s not very fair.

Kelle: Ughhh. So true. Sometimes I think when we focus on vulnerability so much, we set ridiculous standards. Like a woman shouldn’t have to shake your hand and blurt out, “My life’s a mess, I yell at my kids, and my breath stinks in the morning” in order for me to like her. I don’t want to misinterpret vulnerability for “Give me dirt.” And I definitely don’t want to be a woman who needs to hear weaknesses about another woman in order to accept her. A beautiful woman whose kids listen to her when she barely whispers “Time to leave the park” and walks over to a car that’s not littered with snacks? That doesn’t mean she’s not vulnerable or likable.

What’s an immediate friendship turn off? Like you have no interest in developing a friendship if…

Heidi: People are mean. Hearing someone make fun of someone. Group gossip. If a group of women is talking about another woman, I’m out. Not that we don’t ever vent to each other about someone who was mean or a little off or whatever. But we do it in the safety between just the two of us, we don’t waste a lot of energy on it, and we keep it focused on our reaction and feelings rather than ripping the other person apart. But that collective group talking about another woman? No.

Kelle: Same. We’ve talked about this one a lot.

You’re both super busy moms. What’s your key for staying close?

Heidi: We talk pretty much every day, right? Even if we don’t see each other.

Kelle: I don’t even think about it any more. It’s just habit–the minute the kids are dropped off at school, I get back in the car and call you to start out my day. And then maybe three other calls throughout the day.

Heidi: I think spontaneity is important too. We know how hard it is to create perfect pockets of time for friend dates, so we take what we can get. A lot of “Stop, drop, and roll” dates where one of us invites the other one over or out to grab a drink and the other one says yes without having to clean the house or take a shower.

Kelle: And I feel like we’re good with creativity when it comes to making space to get together. We text each other when we’re going to Target to see if the other one wants to go, and we’ve had some of our best times together, pushing carts side by side in the produce aisle. In fact, I’m pretty sure we’ve stood in the home section for an hour straight, crying and talking about life.

Heidi: I can distinctly remember at least twice that we’ve done that. They should just make a table for us to sit down there.

Kelle: We’ve also accompanied each other on work dates just for fun. And we have a lot of post preschool drop-off coffee dates, even if they’re quick.

Do you guys ever judge each other?

Kelle: I originally said no to this, but you totally called me out.

Heidi: We totally judge.

Kelle: I think there’s so much in our women culture right now that celebrates supporting each other, high-fiving each other, lifting each other up, praising each others’ successes, accepting differences and NOT judging (which–YES!–is the ultimate goal and absolutely what I seek to be in a community of women)–that my immediate response is “I do that! I support women! I don’t judge!” But that’s not completely honest, and I want to pay attention to my humanness. I don’t want to feel shame about real, normal feelings or pretend that I never feel them. I judge sometimes. I judge people I love. Sometimes my judgments are warranted or simply identifying things I do or don’t want for my life. But it’s more about what I do with my judgments (they are always more about me than the person I’m judging) and how I analyze my feelings rather than the idea that I’m out there with a pasted-on smile, high-fiving and “You Go, Girl!”-ing every single thing any woman does. I love Amy Poehler’s advice on this: “That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again: ‘Good for her; Not for me.'”

Heidi: I think in any deep friendship, you do end up judging. That might be a really shitty thing to say, but that’s sometimes what pushes us to be honest and real and helps us to be better. We feel the freedom to say to each other, “I think you’re being too hard on your kid” or “You need to get your shit together.” That’s burned us before too though. We’ve said it at the wrong time or have pushed too far, and it’s hurt us. That seldom happens, but it does. But I like the fact that we feel the freedom to call each other out. I think we’ve helped each other be the best versions of ourselves.

Kelle: I think we’ve also earned permission to judge. We have so many years and stories behind our friendship and an underlying foundation of love and wanting the best for each other that we know we can be honest with each other. We have some unspoken rules too. We know that our friendship is too precious to ever let something take that away. If we’ve hurt each other in any way, we don’t do that thing where we get awkward or don’t talk to each other. We make efforts to work things out quickly.

Do your husbands support your friendship?

Kelle: 100%. I think they both know that we are better humans, better moms and better wives because of our friendship. And I don’t put so much pressure on Brett to be my “everything” and fulfill all these areas in my life because friendship (among other things) helps fulfill them. I’m more than just my marriage. Brett’s said many times, “I’m so glad you had Heidi to talk about that with, because I’d be clueless.”

Heidi: Believe me, our husbands’ lives are better with us in the picture. They benefit, and they know it. There are things we do for each other that let them off the hook. And they know we are fair sounding boards. I’ve complained about Jeff before, and you’ve stood up for him; likewise, you’ve vented about something Brett did and I’ve called you out and pointed out what he did right.

Kelle: I think every relationship is different. What we have works for us and our families. We take our kids on trips together to fun crazy places our husbands might not be that into, and people might judge, but it works for us.

What’s your favorite friend memory?

Heidi: We have so many, but I know we’re going to answer this the same way.

Kelle: What, Nella’s birth?

Heidi: Yes. It was such a raw, precious time, and I think friendship goes to a new level when you get to be there for someone when they are hurting in the way that you were and to be present to the love that was unfolding.

Kelle: You literally stayed in that hospital for four days straight. I’ll never ever forget the way you showed up.

Heidi: I remember feeling at the time like I had some kind of superpower. If I think back to that time and how it felt, I thought I could protect you from any negative energy coming in.

Kelle: I actually think God waived the earthly filter and really did give you that superpower then.

Favorite things you do for each other that make good friendship tips? 

K: We give each other pep talks before either of us goes someplace that makes us feel uncomfortable or intimidated. I love the texts you start madly sending right when I need them: “Just shine your white light. Focus on the light that you want to bring to the room and the way you want people to feel. Your light is so bright. You got this!” They are such powerful texts to receive.

H: I got that from Oprah, you know. How about picking up each other’s cameras and taking pictures of each other without being asked. So many of the photos of me with my kids were taken by you.

K: Same here. And I love them so much. I love how I’ll go to edit photos after a party, and there will be 100 that I didn’t take. You are so good about that.

H: We are good about loving each other’s moms. When our moms are visiting and we take them to a social event or have people over, we always support each other. You’re so good about making my mom feel at home and talking to her, and I always make sure to sit with your mom and find out more about her life. I love your mom.

K: And I love yours. I love the comfort I get from sending my “You know the drill” text when I’m on a plane and it’s about to take off. I know if anything were to happen, you’d implement “the plan.” Take over. Make sure my kids know I love them. Clean the house before the mourners arrive. Screen any potential new wife to make sure I’d approve.

H: We pick up each others’ kids. Like when you forgot to pick up Dash from preschool a couple weeks ago and I texted, “Dash is in my van. You forgot him.”

K: I love that being your friend means a life contract of being there for my kids. Whenever I have a fleeting worry about Nella being accepted, you always say, “Life contract, Kelle. Every party, graduation, life milestone, you have my family in party hats cheering her name. That’s five of us which can fill a room, so any worry that no one will show up should be non-existent.”

H: And you do the same for mine. Honestly, I think loving each other’s kids is one of the best things you can do for a friend.

K: The meals you make for people. Food is such a wonderful love language, and you do that for people so well. And the goody bags of treats you drop off before road trips.

H: We buffer each other’s parties. Like if there’s a new person coming who doesn’t know anyone else at the party and I’m busy entertaining, I know you will make sure she feels welcome. You’ll represent me. I don’t even have to ask.

K: I can’t tell you how many times new friends I’ve introduced to a big group of people have said later, “Your friend Heidi? She’s so nice and easy to talk to.” Actually, now that I think of it, most people like you better than me once they meet you.

H: That’s not true.

K: No, it is, and I’m totally fine with it. And I think one of my favorite things we do for each other is saying yes. All these crazy ideas we’ve had, calling each other last minute to see if we want to get in the car and drive two hours to explore some city. We’re good at saying yes, and I think so many of our memories and bonding moments are because of our yesses.

H: But I still wish I would have said no to that crappy hotel you thought was “charming” on that road trip with the kids. Oh my God, that was disgusting. I should have never listened to you.

K: Hey, you can’t win them all. You know there are a billion more things we could list here, but we have to end this somewhere, right?

H: To be continued…

K: In real life.

Have a question or thought about friendship? Do you have a best friend or a story about connecting and building meaningful relationships with women? One of my favorite things to dig into and talk about is creating intimate friendships with women. Tell me your thoughts, your stories, your favorite thing about your best friend or tips for staying close.