Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

Summer Style: Moms, Girls & Boys

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Pop Quiz: Summer’s coming, adventure calls, but you only get to pack ONE suitcase for you and your kids. What to put in it? I got you covered. I scoured the Internet for the cutest summer styles for boys, girls and moms and packed all my favorites into one post. We have exactly six weeks of school left, so I’m in total summer dreaming mode here. From stripes and gingham (check, check) to retro tees and swishy skirts (check, check), here’s some summer style for your sunshine dreams.

GIRLS

  1. San Diego Hat Company Sunhat (we’ve used this hat for years, and it’s the best thing for summer–secures under the chin)
  2. Giddy-up and Grow Felt Strawberry Clip I love everything she makes in this shop!
  3. Zara Knot Romper
  4. Zara Cosmic Love Bodysuit
  5. Old Navy Stripe Terry Shorts (love the retro feel, love that they’re terry cloth, love that they’re stripe, love that they’re only $12)
  6. Savage Seeds Best Vibes Ever Tee
  7. Tucker & Tate Gingham Dress (strawberry picking! summer picnic! beach!)
  8. Zara Straw Tote
  9. ZeroUV Sunglasses ($5!)
  10. Retro Tube Socks
  11. Zara Striped Culottes
  12. Sam Edelman Pom Pom Sandals
  13. Freshly Picked Cherry Clogs
  14. Hanna Andersson Rainbow Tank
  15. Green Natives

BOYS

  1. Mini Boden Crocodile Applique Tee
  2. Mini & Meep Homegrown Forest Tee
  3. Patagonia Kids Trucker Cap
  4. Old Navy Summer Fedora
  5. Out of Print Brown Bear Tee
  6. Winter Water Factory Alphabet Tank
  7. Old Navy Sunglasses
  8. Old Navy Poplin Joggers
  9. Childhoods Clothing Romper (we are obsessed with these tank rompers, and yes! Kids can slip them off easily on their own to use the bathroom.)
  10. OshKosh Suspender Shorts
  11. Metallica Washed Tee
  12. Light Blue Natives
  13. Target Mad Love Sandals (they’re girls but I bought them for all three of my kids for the summer, and they all LOVE them)

MOMS

  1. Urban Outfitters Linen Midi Wrap Dress
  2. Zara Hoop Earrings
  3. Madewell Knot-front Tee
  4. Madewell Ringer Tee
  5. J.Crew Factory Panama Hat
  6. Madewell Central Stripe Shirt
  7. J.Crew Tiered Midi Skirt
  8. Gap Midrise Jean Shorts
  9. Zara High Waist Red Shorts
  10. Free People Laguna Aviators
  11. Lotta from Stockholm Red Clogs
  12. And Other Stories Sling-back Flat
  13. Anthropologie Dandelion Embroidered Top
  14. J.Crew Factory Leather Huaraches

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Dad’s Perspective of Special Needs

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I’ve been meaning to have Brett share a dad’s take on raising a child with special needs for a while now and finally sat down with him to write down his responses to some questions. As much as I probably could have told you his answers to all of these questions, what I didn’t expect was how important it would feel to sit down together and make space for this. We put the kids to bed, I lit candles and dimmed the lights because that’s what I do, and we sat across from each other on two couches and talked about this thing in our lives that we don’t think about a lot because it just melts into the rhythm of our family on its own. I loved hearing his answers–pretty short because he is a man of few words, after all. But tapping it out on the laptop and looking at it all put together, I realized how much our own unique ways of dealing with special needs complement each other and how this extraordinary experience glues our family together and grants us a unique perspective of the world that allows us to feel and see a little more beauty and love.

K: So I’ve shared a little about your reaction when Nella was born, and I’ve definitely shared extensively about mine, so let’s go back there to start. You’re standing there in the room with me, I’m holding our new baby, and the doctor comes in and tells us that she thinks she has Down syndrome. Tell me what you were thinking.

B: So, I didn’t know anything about Down syndrome. I mean nothing. And really there’s only one thing I cared about, and you know I asked this. “We’ll be able to take her home, right?” That’s all that mattered.

K: What was the first thing you remember learning about it?

B: It was from you. You told me there could be higher risks for certain things like heart issues. That scared me more than anything.

K: And you know most of those end up being okay and able to be fixed as well, right? But yes–I’m so grateful we didn’t have to experience that. What about cognitive differences? Did you think about that or know what that would look like? I remember telling you a little bit about what to expect, but it’s hard to explain.

B: My only concerns were health ones. I knew everything else we could adjust to. And when she was at the baby stage, none of that really mattered, you know what I mean? I just wanted to enjoy her. And her babyhood looked pretty much like the other kids’, right? Maybe slightly slower development, but that’s it. As for the future–I don’t know–I just feel really confident that she’s going to be okay.

K: Here’s a reader question-How did you prepare yourself to raise a child with special needs?

B: I’m just winging it (laughs). Honestly? Nothing. It’s one day at a time, and I think we’re doing a pretty good job.

K: Did you feel like you needed to independently educate yourself about Down syndrome or have you relied on me sharing with you?

B: Totally you.

K: Nice. That’s two words. Care to elaborate? 

B: I would say that I rely on you because you’re the rock in that position. My philosophy is that anything I read doesn’t affect me as much as real life experience. Watching Nella grow and letting her show me who she is is more significant than anything I’ve ever read about Down syndrome. And so much of it is just a big variable anyway.

K: Can you remember a time up to this point where Down syndrome felt especially sad or hard? Or is there something in the future that you worry will be hard?

B: I don’t know that we’ve necessarily reached this level. I think the hardest thing for me will be if she realizes that she’s different–like will she look at Lainey and feel like she can’t have the same life that Lainey has? Sometimes I watch her and wonder if that’s something she feels, and it kills me. Will there be sadness in her heart?

K: I think that’s where we come in. We will empower her to be proud of who she is, Brett. We will infuse it into everything we do and say in this house, and our whole family will be part of it. We celebrate it in a way that leaves no room for anything else but loving who she is.

B: Nicely put, Babe. I like that. And in the meantime, if I ever think she’s feeling those feelings, I just scoop her up and give her love. I overcompensate with love.

K: Thus far, what’s been the hardest thing about Down syndrome for you?

B: I guess I’d say it’s the depth of conversation that I can have with her. I can’t dig into conversation with her like I can with the other ones. Sometimes I wish I could just talk to her about everything.

K: That creates an opportunity for creativity though, right? We get creative with all the ways we can communicate with her. We make up our own language through everything we do. Are my silver linings getting annoying?

B: (laughs) No. You’re right. And the flip side to the hard stuff is that she’s just absolute love. She aims to be positive. She brings happiness when anyone’s sad. She’s hardly dramatic. She’s just so easy to be with.

K: Here’s another one from a reader. Do you feel like you need men friends who have kids with special needs like women do? 

B: I don’t think so. I just don’t feel the need. I don’t feel drawn to that. I have you who has so many friends and brings them into our lives, and I get to benefit. I have a pretty laid back personality though, so I can roll with whatever. This is what it is, and we make the best of it. But I do love hearing you talk about your friends and what they have to say about their kids. And the dads I’ve met through your friends are great too.

K: Someone else asked if you attend Nella’s IEP meetings?

B: I have before, but generally if I’m working and you don’t need me, I trust you.

K: Okay, here’s a good one. As a dad to 5 kids, do you treat Nella differently?

B: You’re so much better at not treating her differently. I know I do. It’s just she has me wrapped around her pinky. I’m so sensitive to her situation. I think a lot about what she might be feeling or thinking and I just don’t ever want her to feel sad or different. I think I’m softer with her–I can’t help it.

K: I think I keep you in check here. And I get there being a different softness because you can’t deny the fact that there are differences. I just think it’s so important that we expect a lot out of her and that we never create a softness to the level that it will limit her from reaching her potential. I mean, the world isn’t that soft. And I don’t ever want our other kids to think she gets away with things they don’t, you know? So I’m going to add to that question–how do you make sure our other kids never feel overshadowed by special needs?

B: I think we do an appropriate job. And we’re also teaching our other kids that there’s a different level of compassion and understanding we give to certain needs. They’ll understand this as they grow up, but we love our kids really good, and they all have unique things we celebrate. Lainey probably went through a stage where she thought Nella got special treatment, but we’ve talked all the way through this, and I know she gets it.

K: How would you say having a child with special needs affects our marriage? 

B: I know this might not be the case for every couple, and we’ve been so lucky that we haven’t had added health stresses, but wouldn’t you say it’s been beneficial for us? Like it’s brought us a special happiness that enriches our overall family relationship?

K: I totally agree. Like we have a secret language no one else has. And I feel like that secret language gives us a different perspective. I mean, not that we don’t have stuff in our marriage, but I’d say it never has to do with Down syndrome. Would you say that we both tackle different jobs with Down syndrome?

B: I’d say that you’re everything with her. You do most of the work to make her life better, and my job is to be the stability. Make her feel loved. Hold everybody up.

K: Well, thank you. It’s nice to have that work recognized. Okay one last question: What’s the most important lesson about parenting you’ve gotten from having a child with Down syndrome?

B: It’s just a special treasure. That’s all I can say. She brings this family extreme joy. She makes my soul happy. Her joy is contagious. You can’t help but feel what she’s feeling when you’re with her. I wouldn’t trade this for anything. It’s extreme happiness…extreme.

 

The 5 Best Parenting Reminders I Picked Up in Therapy

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Two years ago, we started seeing a family therapist to provide some test anxiety support. I quickly discovered how much I love having a therapist in our routine and how it benefits our entire family, so we continued our visits–sometimes spaced out quite a bit if we’re busy and comfortable, and sometimes arranged a little more frequently if it feels necessary to make some designated space for talking about our feelings. Our therapist’s office is roomy and cozy and has lots of toys, and with our busy schedule and responsibilities, sometimes sessions for us look like Dash and Nella playing with the doll house in the corner while Lainey and I sit on the couch (I’ve found having Nella and Dash there lightens things up and makes everyone more relaxed and open). We go less to address problems and more to make space for talking, and everything we take away is applicable to any of us and helpful for our entire family. Mostly, I do it because I recognize that my kids aren’t all outgoing and talkative like me, and when I talk about deep, emotional important things because I love talking about deep, emotional, important things, sometimes it can make an introvert shut down. Therapy for us is creating important space, another avenue for vital communication and connection as our kids grow up and deal with stresses and discovering who they are. Lately, it’s been a parenting refresher course, reminding me of all the things I know but sometimes forget. Our therapist is so skilled, insightful and loving in everything she shares, I’ve actually wiped tears listening to her talk, amazed at how she had the exact thing we needed to hear. I have taken away so many nuggets of parenting truth from these sessions, I thought today I’d share my five favorite ones.

Nothing is good because other people say it’s good.

I mean, I know this is something I need to teach and model for my kids–it’s a truth that’s changed my own recognition of my worth and willingness to pursue creative work–but it’s funny how my reactions in parenting situations don’t always mirror what I know to be true. Case in point: We were talking in therapy recently about a poem Lainey had written and showed me but didn’t think my “It’s beautiful–I love the creative personification you used here” represented a true 5-star review.

“You don’t like it, do you?” she said.

“So how did you answer?” our therapist asked me. I started laughing because I immediately recognized that what I said next suggested that the more people who think her work is good is what makes it good–and that’s okay because parents impulsively react all the time, and that doesn’t mean we are doing it “wrong.”

“I so badly wanted her to see how good it was, so I started naming all the people who were going to love it, calling Brett in to read it and tell her it was good, telling her she should show Poppa–he’s going to love it too.” I built up a case that maybe if we got enough people to give 5-star reviews, suddenly she’d believe her poem was good.

Our lovely therapist smiled and assured me that’s a completely normal reaction but suggested the following: “Maybe next time, put the reaction to the poem back on her. Ask her, “Do you love the poem? Because that’s all that matters. What did it feel like to write it? What do you love about it? And if she doesn’t like it, you can deal with that too–asking her why she doesn’t and making it better so she does love it.”

And of course I knew this deep in my bones, but that’s what I love about therapy. It’s such an open, forgiving, accepting place that brings all the reminders to the surface and sharpens what we know but forget to put in practice. Because of this little lesson, I’m much more aware of bringing satisfaction of my kids’ work back to their own feelings about creating it.

Shy people play powerful roles in our world, and their personalities are needed and important.

It was a simple lesson to kill comparison to all the kids with big outgoing personalities making very visible contributions at school.

“Can I tell you something?” our therapist said. “I have clients that come in my office who are very outgoing. They’re successful and funny and have no problem taking a stage or talking to groups, and everyone laughs at everything they say. But do you know what? So many of those people come in my office and sit on my couch and cry and tell me about problems in their life because they are lacking some of the amazing qualities of shy people. They want to be more like you. Do you know what shy people are good at? They see things other people don’t see. They’re observant, and they listen, and they’re okay with sitting back and quietly doing work. That’s such an amazing quality to have, and a lot of people could learn from it.”

This one conversation ignited a passion in me–to celebrate the beauty of quiet observant listening. It’s not something to work to grow out of. It is something to own and be proud of.

Don’t trap your kids for serious conversations.

This is especially great for the little introverts. I know as a kid, nothing made me want to shut down more than, “Come sit down, we’re going to talk about something important.” Having face-to-face sit-downs to talk about things that are uncomfortable can feel especially intimidating and stifling for some kids and can shut them down for future communication. Stealthily slipping these conversations in while you’re on a bike ride together or out moving in nature can help them feel more light-hearted and give kids something to do while you’re talking, creating more freedom for them to open up.  Another great tip our therapist gave us: let your child know that you’re setting the timer for five minutes when you do need one of those full-attention serious conversations. It creates an “out” and keeps you from getting locked in to an endless orbit over an issue that you need to move on from (parents can do this sometimes).

When your child is looking to you to fix something, it’s okay to create some space and take a break before you help.

As parents, we are often our kids’ one “person”–their safe place to bring all their fears, release their frustrations, get mad, demand help, cry, and look for solutions. That puts a lot of pressure on us, and unfortunately our mom hours of business are 24-7, no holidays, no weekends. When our kids are upset, it can heighten our own anxiety. So when there’s a crisis or a concern–even tears–and I feel myself taking on some of that heated energy and too anxious or upset to deal with the situation appropriately, here’s the therapy suggested response: Look at her, grab her hand, and say, “Listen. Everything’s going to be okay, alright? But I just need a short time-out before we deal with this. I’m going to go make a little space to regroup so I can be calm and really listen, and then we’ll talk about it. But I want you to know that everything’s going to be okay.” Those “everything’s going to be okay” bookends are powerful.

“The Sun Will Rise Again”

This has become the theme we return to in therapy, a mantra that started with our first appointment and has been incorporated in our home and conversations daily. We even made a poster for it in therapy, writing all the constant things in our life on the sun’s rays and the words “The Sun Will Rise Again” right in the middle of the sun. This mantra works for every problem, every anxiety, every situation–the assurance that no matter what happens, even if that thing you fear comes true--the sun will rise again. The world will not end, the people who love you will always love you, and if you fall, you will get up again. It’s been proven in our lives time and time again, so its validity is data-based. I love the way our therapist will humorously remind us of this in the most child-friendly way, bringing up times that Lainey “fell” or “failed” and asking questions about that time–“So, when you fell, were you still lying there two weeks later and people had to bring you food because you couldn’t get up, and everyone was like, “Did you see Lainey? She fell two weeks ago, and she just never got up. She’s still lying there.” This always makes Lainey laugh. And that laugh paves the way for worries to melt away.

Does anyone else have good parenting lessons or tips they’ve been reminded of in therapy? We go about once a month now, and while it’s not always convenient or “fun,” we always leave feeling more connected, strong and on course where we should be. With every appointment, I leave feeling like I just finished an inspiring parenting book.

*Note: While our therapy sessions are more of a family effort to create a space for good communication, right now Lainey is really the only child old enough to benefit from the things we’re talking about (although the littler ones beg to go because they love the office). The little part of her story in this post is shared with her permission.