My faraway friend sent me a text the other night:
Do you ever get caught up in the rat race of comparison when it comes to kids and learning? I’m just struggling/stressing with the humble brags by other moms at pick-up or in passing. The moms in my daughter’s class are meeting up this weekend to basically brag about how smart their kid is, and I just can’t go through it again. They’re constantly talking about reading levels–asking each other what their kid’s level is, talking about how stressed they are that their kid might not get to a certain level before June. I’ve always tried to see the bigger picture and focus on the real success–kindness, happiness, etc. but SHIT these moms and their white noise, man. Help!
Let me guess. Do they sound like this? “Oh my God, I HATE that Chelsea’s in the gifted program. I totally wish we weren’t in it because it’s, like, so stressful. Be glad your kid’s not gifted.” Or maybe this? “I can’t sleep at night because I’m so stressed about my kid not being challenged. She’s getting all A’s, complaining that she’s bored, and no matter what we give her, she’s acing it and asking for more work. How’s your kid doing?” Or how about this? “What’s your kid reading these days? Charlie just finished War and Peace and Dr. Zhivago, and we’re having trouble finding harder books for him because he’s just such a voracious little reader!”
I quickly texted back. YES! Yes, yes, yes, I do get caught up in that race sometimes. You’re not alone. You’re never the only one who feels a certain way, promise.
We texted back a few fake sarcastic responses we’d love to get off our chest: “Ugghh. That’s so weird because I’ve been losing sleep too. Our DVR will only record two shows at a time, and I can’t figure out whether to dump Paw Patrol or Curious George. I’m just sick about it.” Or how about, “How’s my kid doing? He ate glue today and wiped six boogers on his math book. How’s that for a harder book?”
The truth is, we forget a lot in parenting that our kid’s journey, personality, learning style, reading level, talents and interests are incredibly unique–just like our own. And when raising our kids is the most important job we possess, it’s easy to see another child doing really well in an area that our child is still working on and take it personally. “I must be doing something wrong” or “my kid must not be working hard enough.” And when those insecurities are scratched, it’s even easier to take out our feelings on the moms of those other kids. They’re bragging. They’re annoying. They care too much. They’re ruining their kids with pressure.
I like to remind myself of a few things when I feel these comparisons creeping up or when I’m about to snap back with “Oh yeah, well my kid drew a butt today! And colored it IN THE LINES! And labeled it with “b-u-t-t” IN CURSIVE. Talk about gifted!”
1) Share the Celebration
Underneath a mom’s seemingly braggadocious comment is just a mom, like you, feeling really proud of her kid. We’ve all felt that, and it feels really good. She wants to share that love and pride but doesn’t really know how to get it out, so it’s coming out it in the form of a comment that feels competitive or fake humble or whatever (and that could be our insecurities, not their intent). I’m going to keep my kid out of it and make it a point to be happy for this mom whose child is accomplishing something that’s really important to her. It feels good to celebrate other people without comparing their celebrations to my own family’s successes, and the more I practice celebrating others, the more natural it comes.
2) Calm Your Reaction
Whatever the case, I am not going to go home and book a tutor, send an e-mail to the teacher requesting a conference, order the Harry Potter series and casually drop to my kid, “You know Madisyn just finished reading a 400-page book. Wouldn’t it be cool to read big books like that?” I repeat, I am not going to do that. Because Madisyn’s 400-page book accomplishment has NOTHING to do with me or my kid.
3) There Are So Many Ways to Be Smart!
I will remember the Theory of Multiple Intelligences. In conversations about learning or smartness or school, we talk a lot about reading, math and science and their respective test scores, but did you know there are at least 9 types of intelligence–all equally valuable? Did you know interpersonal intelligence–your child’s ability to recognize and respond to other people feeling sad or scared or in need of a friend–is a recognized form of intelligence in childhood psychology? I wish every classroom in the country displayed Multiple Intelligence posters and made as big a deal about kinesthetic intelligence (my kid can dance!) and intrapersonal intelligence (my kid’s so aware of her feelings!) as they do about state-tested smarts. It’s much easier to hear about another child soaring in reading if my child is struggling when I remember that the dance she performed last night with the music and the moves and all the feels was indicative of learning and growth and her unique intelligence GIFTEDNESS.
4) Welcome to the Garden
My sister recently told me something her daughter’s kindergarten teacher said years ago when she expressed some worries that her youngest wasn’t reading as quickly as her older two had. “I look at my class like a garden,” the teacher said, “Everybody blooms at a different time.” Turns out, years later, her latest reader now spends the most time in her room with her nose in a book and does very well in school. I was a teacher and I still ask silly questions that I know better to ask. Last year, I asked my friend if I should be worried that Lainey still preferred picture books over chapter books. “She’ll read them when she’s ready,” my friend reminded me. “If she’s doing well in school and her teacher’s not worried, don’t you dare push her.”
4) Remember Your Childhood
The example I know best is always my own. My mom cared more about what kind of cookies she was going to bake for us after school than what our reading test scores were, and I’m happy today and doing what I love. My kindergarten class did a lot more playing than reading, I secretly switched the Trigonometry videos I was supposed to be watching to Saved By the Bell far too many times when I was homeschooled, and we did way more plays, art projects and learning field trips than rigorously preparing for a test. And hey–I’m not living in a van down by the river. I’ve learned to foster the areas of intelligence I know are my gifts, and that’s what makes me fulfilled and successful. That’s what I want for my kids too. More than making it to Level Z by June. But if another mom doesn’t feel the same way, that’s okay too. We can be different, and that’s cool.
5) Honesty and Curiosity
Even if another mom is truly bragging and provoking comparison, it often feels good to just respond with honesty and genuine curiosity. “That’s so great Josh is doing so well in math. We’re not quite there yet, but I’d love to know if you’ve found something specific that’s worked for you guys. Have any tips?” With that kind of connection, most likely any fronts that were put up will be immediately torn down, and that mom will love the opportunity to share something with you. And with your honesty, she might feel less inclined to keep bringing up how great her kid is doing.
6) Remove Yourself from Negativity
If I’ve tried all the above and I’ve attempted to steer conversations elsewhere, and I’m still feeling icky with someone who continuously makes child comparison remarks or brags about reading levels, maybe it’s not the best relationship to be investing in. I certainly would never want my child to be picking up on those feelings, and one of the most valuable things we possess is control over who we spend our time with and what we talk about.
And if all else fails, go ahead. Grab a pen. Write all those sarcastic things you’d love to say in a notebook that won’t be shared. It might feel good to get them out before you move on in the most mature and graceful way.
Ever felt this way? Have a tried and true response that works for you? Please share!
Shari says
Walk away from the parents doing that. Find another parent standing around not talking with another parent and start a happy conversation with them. Honestly it’s that simple don’t say anything just turn and walk away
Ken says
Perfect!
Corrie says
Having a daughter with special needs makes it easy to get worried how behind she might be when other moms start talking about their kids. I’ve done it many times. I try and remember that the mom is not intentionally trying to make me feel bad, she’s just proud of her kid and that’s totally cool. I also constantly remind myself that my girl is right where she needs to be. She may not excel in school, it’s just something she has to get through as my husband says, but man that girl of mine loves fiercely and has such kindness. She will go places.
KATIE says
I have an 18 year old and a 6 year old. The past year has been pretty messy in regard to their education, personal growth, and emotions have been running rampant. This post was exactly what I needed today. I am trying so hard to do right by my kids, but a lot of whether they succeed or not is up to them, and I have to remind myself of that. This parenting stuff is hard!
Stacy says
I have a 17 year old and a four year old. Thank you for your words of wisdom. It is so hard. Every child is different and we are all just doing what we can.
Sarah says
I think these feelings are rampant in the homeschool community. We have 4 kids and moms (and probably even me) are always remarking what level our kids are at or how accomplished they are in violin or that they made a castle out of popsicle sticks. And basically we just want reassurance we are on the right track. Great post Kelle.
Shari H says
Sometimes parents cling to the things that their kids do well because they struggle in so many other areas.
When I occasionally bring up my son’s reading level, it is in the context of how is it that a 9-year-old who reads an 8th grade or higher comprehension level can’t focus to do three math problems in the same time his classmates doe 10? How is it that a child whose mind can see and draw incredible details can’t handle the anxiety of a day that is out of order and bangs his head into walls and desks to try to stop the buzzing of that anxiety.
Sometimes we talk about the good, because no one really wants to hear the rest of it.
EMILIE says
These are all great suggestions. And my favorite part? “I am not living in a van down by the river.” 🙂
Lisa says
As a mother of three, I see where the comparison game extends to all aspects of parentng, marriage, home decor, fitness, etc. It’s a dangerous web to get caught in and breeds discontentment and insecurity. I personally had to take a break from social media and blogs at one point to gain perspective and truly be able to celebrate what I have as well as what others have. Great post Kelle
Davilyn says
I am proud of my kids. And you know who I tell? My kids. Over and over and over and over. Perhaps add that as advice point #7…Direct that mom to unload her proud comments on who really matters, the kiddo she is proud of. Then she can focus her valuable adult time talking about things that really matter, like where she found those great shoes at an amazing price or what she thought of the latest book she read. 🙂
Chiara says
Since I moved from Rome to London I noticed here the competition between moms about their kids’ achievements or school grades is quite crazy. Crazy to the level I know about mums telling their kids ‘don’t play with that kid because he has low grades in maths’. Can you believe that? I honestly don’t give a single s*** about that. The best people I met in my life were the most brave, creative, empathic and inventive – which has nothing to do with grades, or with how early they learned to walk, read or play the piano.
Kelle says
xo Chiara. Always love seeing your face in my feeds.
Devon says
My daughter is only 2.5, but we go through evaluations every six months for her ECI services. My brain understands the point, they need to find her weaknesses so they can work on them, but my heart hears “here’s how Abigail is failing as a toddler.” It is REALLY hard to not see the other kids her age at daycare naming colors and speaking in sentences, while we cling to her 15 spoken words. Part of me smiles sheepishly because she knows over 100 words in ASL and those kids don’t. We all get caught in a head game of chess, you just have to plan your moves/reactions carefully.
Jessica says
We all want our kids to do well in school. So it’s easy to forget that doing well in school is just one piece of the bigger long-term goal: raising a child who is a life-long learner.
I want my kids to excel at life, not just academics. I want them to always be hungry and thirsty for knowledge about themselves and the world around them. Sometimes that means there’s a trade-off. Do I want them pouring all of their (and my) time and energy into advanced math problems at the age of seven or do I want them digging in the dirt in the backyard because that’s what they’re curious about right now?
For me, it’s all about remembering the trade-off.
Sarah says
Yes! As a teacher it alsways gives me angst when parents want to talk about racing through levels as an accomplishment. I always try to explain; why rush when there are SO MANY wonderous books at every level. I can revel in a level K picture book like nobody’s business and I’m an adult. Imagine how kids feel!
Brynn says
My 3 year old daughter just started pre-school and I couldn’t pinpoint what was bothering me the last couple days until I read this post. You always seem to hit the nail on the head and clue me in onto what I’m feeling before I even realize it.
I tend to get caught up in the comparison game without even realizing it…someone makes a comment that their child is riding a bike and I think my daughter doesn’t even own a bike, is she supposed to be riding a bike already, we have to get her a bike, she’s going to be a 12 year old with training wheels if we don’t get her a bike this instant, etc.
My husband is great at diffusing this situation. He just calmly says “relax. is not riding a bike at the age of 3 going to cause her to eventually become a 33 year old adult living in our basement because she can’t cope or hold a job…no”. He can be quite sarcastic but it calms me.
Here’s what I think, parenting is hard. damn hard. and there isn’t any correct/perfect way to do it. each kid is different and likes different things and learns different things at their own pace. let them grown and have fun and be happy.
I also find myself holding back my tongue when other moms get all high and mighty at the playground, I just think to myself that they probably are insecure about their parenting if they need to brag to practical strangers or constantly show off. So I try to let them have their moment, shake it off and get back to loving my kids.
I feel like this site is my weekly therapy, thank you so much for such a great outlet,
Brynn http://www.thedomsticdietitian.com
Karen says
As a 63 year old grandmother now, I was taken back to the anxiousness of the past when I too worried about my youngest not being able to ride a bike (really never wanted to). She was more interested in riding horses at which she excelled. This spring she completes her DVM after 10 years of higher ed and both a bachelors and masters degree and she still cannot ride a bike nor does she want to. Let your child show you the path she wants to pursue. The world needs all types of people possessing diverse talents and not everyone needs to ride a bike! Enjoy the journey with your child as it certainly travels at a fast pace and is soon only a beautiful memory(if one does not stress too much about what everyone else is up to, that is).
Sarah says
That sounds like a humble brag, Karen!!!
Amy says
It’s important to listen to what these moms are actually saying. Honestly, having a child who is unusual or special needs is hard, no matter where that falls on the spectrum. A child who can read at an 8th grade level at age 6 likely also struggles with understanding the emotional content and imagery. And her mom has to be vigilant — are the bad dreams because she could read that billboard or that novel by my bedside that I forgot to put away? Can I possibly screen every book in the children’s library first? She’s totally disengaged in class because she caught on so quickly, but she’s not emotionally ready to be with older students – what do I do? How can I keep up with this? What does she need? “Gifted” or “exceptionally bright” kids, or kids who are “ahead” of the developmental norm in one area or another, pose their own very real parenting challenges and anxiety. At the same time, those parents may genuinely want to celebrate something about their child that blows their minds, but it’s incredibly unwelcome to talk about it — unless, interestingly, they happen to be an athletic prodigy. I remember being completely shut out from my preschool mom friends when I quietly revealed that my daughter had suddenly started reading at age 3. I wasn’t bragging, I was sharing this totally overwhelming, surprising moment that I wasn’t quite sure how to handle. Dealing with the hurt of having friendships end with upturned noses and defensiveness, I kept asking — why should I have to hide this or downplay it? Anyway, it’s another viewpoint on the situation. I know the bragging and comparison happens, but it’s worth really listening to that mom who’s really just entirely bowled over and looking for support and answers.
ja says
Thank you for this. I was just coming out of lurking to comment that the word “gifted” is so inaccurate and just honestly really sucks. My kid is amazing, but managing his school experience is so, so hard, and frustrating, and sometimes heart-breaking. And I can’t even talk about it with friends because the word “gifted” just makes people so defensive. But parenting a “gifted” child can be a huge and stressful challenge.
Rachel C. says
Thank you for putting this point of view into words so well. I concur.
LD says
I too have a gifted child. This post made me tear up a little, because for the last 6 years I have been reading this blog, this has been such a supportive place for me, it was tough to read this post. Our kids are on the other extreme of the spectrum, but still have just as many challenges. No one wants to hear how great your kids is doing when they are “gifted,” but I actually do lose sleep over my kid who gets all A’s and still asks for more work. Gifted is a terrible work for it, but Kelle, please know that the label does not mean “good at doing school work.” It is so much more, with so many challenges (mine is technically twice-exceptional, gifted/inattentive ADHD). Sometimes even the mom of the gifted kid needs to celebrate their kid a little, and we dont mean to belittle anyone else by it.
Heidi says
This, this, this! My oldest is very bright, and that is a wonderful gift…for him. But as his parent, there is a flip side for me; he struggles in other areas. Big struggles. And often, I have no clue what to do. There is a definite stigma around bright kids, and I never, ever want to be the “bragging mom” who winds up making others feel badly, so I try not to say much about my son. This winds up leaving me very isolated in trying to figure out how to best parent him.
I wish there were a way to talk about gifted kids so that their parents could get the support they so desperately need without anyone else feeling badly. I wish people knew that even though my son is gifted, I cry about things going on with him frequently and worry about him desperately because I know academic giftedess will never equate to success or happiness in life.
I guess I just think that we moms – the moms of gifted kids, the moms of kids with special needs, the moms of kids who are good at sports, the moms of kids who are social butterflies, the moms of kids with food allergies – we are all the same. The challenges of parenting present themselves differently with different children, but I think the underlying struggles are the same…fear, uncertainty at if we’re on the right path, a deep desire for our children’s long-term happiness, a passion to help them expose and harness their own unique strengths, to name a few. I think when these angsty, comparison-laden moments happen, that’s when we need to dig deepest to find the commonality.
Bobbi says
I hate that bragging about a childs success at school is seen as negative by other parents. My kid is shy, not athletic or out going, a little bit quirky and akward. She spun in a circle for her entire dance recital. But she’s a fantastic reader and she works her butt off to get good grades. It’s her thing. And I’m proud of her. I’m going to keep saying that, especially in front of her.
I also love to hear about why my friends are proud of their kids. Some of their kids are great at sports, some of them have perfect comedic timing and infectious laughs, some of them are good at math, some of them have huge hearts. They are all awesome kids, and they should all be praised – my kid, who loves to read and earn good grades, included.
Sandy says
Yes. Of course they all deserve to be praised; but being a good reader and getting good grades is a much better skill than comedy or infectious laughter. You should keep praising her…Even if she’s not around.
Eve says
Great post! Thanks for such a positive, empowering reminder.
One of my favorite quotes is from Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Amy says
Really love your perspective! I needed to hear it. Multiple Intelligence posters are genius! Might make one for my own home. As a parent I can keep the “competitive spirit” in check. But it breaks my heart to see my daughter have such low self esteem about certain school subjects because of in-classroom comparison (among kids) of reading levels, test scores and which computer level each child is at. The kids are all so aware of the rankings, and I’ve seen the sparkle diminished from my girl’s eyes this year. Any ideas for reigniting that love of learning?
Stacey says
My oldest is seven. He hit all milestones on target except talking. Oh, how I hated reading messages in the birth boards how a same age child was giving eloquent speeches at eighteen months old and all I wanted was for my kid to say something other than “da” or “ba”. I finally had to leave the groups. I struggled with comparisons even through his first year of kindergarten (he had to repeat kindergarten and is now in first grade). Once I got past realizing that comparing my kid was bad, I learned to not be bothered by the bragging (mainly because I have never connected with the other moms). I brag about my kid too. When he put a book cover on all by himself, after ten frustrating minutes of trying, his teacher texted me a photo and a message and I shared it on Facebook. I just brag differently than others, because his needs are different, so his accomplishments are different too. 🙂 Yes, he struggles harder than most of his classmates, no, he doesn’t have as many AR [accelerated reading] points as his classmates (in fact, he’s probably the only one who hasn’t reached even the first level of AR), yes, his anxiety is really noticeable this year and is affecting his grades and his already sucky social skills, but you know what? My kid is smart. I’d put him against any kid in his class and challenge them to a free build with Lego and he would win hands down. He also learned how to operate a mini excavator and a dozer by the time he was two. So, while he might not look bright based on test scores, he’s actually a very bright kid! He is also very loving, caring, and helpful, and frankly, I’d rather have a kid with those traits than one who could read War and Peace by the time they started school! 😉
Janet says
Remember comparisons startedway before school eben started for those moms. Birth weight, if they nursed/bottle fed, first smile, rolled over, slept though the night. I think you get the idea. Why do moms do it? Dads probably dont. I think its just theway we as moms are wired. We love something feace.
Aimee says
Great post!
However I do think that at times it’s easy to read too much into what parents say, and take genuine excitement or pride as bragging. The current westernised education system (Scandinavia as the exception) is geared towards how children score against arbitrary grades or levels which are measure by standardised testing. Which is basically a recipe for disaster. Emphasis is placed on achievement that can be easily measured or quantified. This leaves parents of children with easily quantified skills feeling proud that there child is ‘thriving’. And parents of children with other skill sets, ones that are equally important in a social or emotional context but harder to qualify academically feeling on the back foot or somehow inferior.
The truth is that in most kids for one element to excel to a gifted level another one is usually behind.
We cannot all be lawyers, or mathematicians or doctors. The world NEEDS artist, empaths, visionaries.
When the mum in the playground brags about Billies age 11 reading level despite his actual 6yr age, that’s cool for them. I’ll take my caring, kind and thoughtful kid thank you very much.
poppie mom says
many gifted kids are artists, empaths and visionaries.
Erin says
LOVE THIS. I have also found the unfollow and unfriend button on Facebook helps tremendously with this. I even unfollowed my sis in law for that reason. Sad I know. I realized I was getting worked up and comparing my kids to hers every time. Not anymore.
Nancy says
My sons are grown. During elementary years I volunteered once a week in classes to help teachers and focused on the kids. Another year I was specifically a reading helper; I focused on the kid(s). I volunteered at holiday parties; I focused on the kids. When our youngest became a year-round athlete, I sat on the stands/sidelines with my husband and we cheered on our son and his teammates. I focused on the kids. I did not get caught up in the parent cliques in the classroom and on the fields because a lot of women never grow out of being part of cliques. It’s still there when your kids get to high school. It was healthier for me to do my own thing and stay away from those comparing kids and smarts and athletic abilities, and gab about who’s going Ivy league, to state university, or community college. And trust me, if you mention community college, you get looks. My youngest is a CC graduate, now at a state university. Our eldest is currently at CC. I couldn’t be prouder of both of them.
Kristen says
“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
-Albert Einstein
Anna says
I’m lucky to have an amazing group of friends who are more likely to quietly chuckle about our kids’ not-so-amazing talents – which is a little celebration of all things “kid”. My son ate blue paint at daycare one day and pooped green. A story that had other parents laughing and sharing their funny stories too.
I am also lucky that I am quietly confident about my kids. They are not leading their class in anything nor are they brilliant musicians or sporting talents, but they’re doing fine and they are wonderful little people. When I hear other parents talk about how well their kids doing I do exactly what you say – celebrate their success – Ben is top of his reading group? That’s so awesome. Sarah got selected for the rep team? Wow! For me its not about the parent but its about the kid.
I have met one parent that came across as bragging, but behind her story was a huge fear that her child was autistic. So thank you Kelle for your post and I hope others will stop and think before responding with dismissive or negative comments.
Tiana says
Dear Kelle
I have been reading your blog for years. I love this post. I loved how you suggested- asking parents what they did for their kid to get there. My kid started talking really early, and people would ask me she talks already and i would say ” yah she started early, but she was slow to walk”, i was so scared about my answer being interpreted as bragging, that i was trying to instantly justify it with a negative….which is so not good, because for one – honestly i did not care when she started walking, plus she did not really start walking late but because i would keep saying that i started believing it, and if my daughter could understand what i had said, i don’t think that statement would have sounded good at all. So then i started saying ” yes she started early, but i guess ll kids are different with different milestones” which again sounded off, and then i said ” yes she started early. period” but somehow that last one just sounded like bragging…sigh! confused how to handle such times.
Michelle says
And it doesn’t get better as they get older. My daughter is in 12 th grade and my sisters daughter graduated from 12 th grade. Her daughter is now on a 6 month travel around the globe, has been accepted into a great university and seems on a great path. Which I am proud of too. But to consistently hear how well she’s doing and how exciting her life is right now makes me think smetimes….did I not push my daughter enough or whatever. My daughter is freaking out as she is not sure what to got to Uni for? She is stressed in this last year of high school and I am just like????? My point is there will always be comparisons unfortunately????I’ll be just happy if she is fun loving caring and happy. Does it have to be a contest? Ugh yes this parenting gig is tough
B says
Tell your daughter not to worry! My parents were so worried when I didn’t go straight to university with all of my peers as my older sister did. I didn’t know what I wanted to do so I worked until I figured it out. When I finally did go to school it was all paid for through scholarships for piano performance and I became a piano teacher. Almost all of my peers were drowning in school debt and most did not land jobs in their field of study. There is so much pressure on kids to go spend money on college right away but it can sometimes be a trap if they aren’t confident about what they want to study!
Angela says
Hi Kelle,
I’m a current 5th grade teacher in a high-achieving town in California. I have found the “humble brag” parents are often sometimes the most insecure as well. We have been doing a ton of work this year as a staff on growth mindset- seeing every struggle as a starting point and every success as the result of experience, not “natural” giftedness. It takes away the anxiety to be perfect all the time and to tie self-worth in with test scores or academic success.
Oftentimes those parents need to hear that their kid is ALL that, because they’re not sure, and they put so much value on their kid being perfect and the best. Their kids also do, and we have an epidemic of anxiety and desperation after failure in our area. The two best books I read this year (for my class and myself) were:
The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes and
The Most Magnificent Thing
Lifechangers. I wish every parent everywhere would read them!
Kelle says
My dad got my kids these books, and we love them so much. You’re right!
Brandi says
I was going to say the same thing–sometimes the ‘bragging’ parents are the most insecure. Having that in the back of my head allows me to see and treat those parents differently than just thinking it’s a competitive thing. We all have insecurities. And as I’ve watched (some of) my kids, and their friends, grow into teens, it can be amazing to watch how life plays out. The kid who was a ‘handful’ in preschool might turn into an outspoken leader in high school, the mom who brought in all the healthy snacks at those playdates might be dealing with eating battles of her own…you just never know.
Libby Monaghan says
Filed under Things That My Heart Needed To Hear, Today: “You’re never the only one who feels a certain way, promise.”
Karen says
My eldest son is quite a good reader (not a brag I promise!). My younger son, well…he’s working on it, working on it a lot and I’m so proud of him. I’m just sick of people saying Don’t you wish he was smart like your older son???’ ‘At least you have one smart one’. They are both wonderful boy and that’s all I really care about
Winston says
That’s awful that people make those comments!! My older sister was the straight A bookworm in my family so my mom probably got those comments. Your younger one will shine in other areas and maybe reading too !
Gabbie says
Wonderful post as usual, Kelle. You look at the world in such an accepting and understanding way, and I feel whenever I read a post like this, I come away a little more balanced.
Thank you x
Winston says
Hang in there moms- it all evens out!! My kid wasn’t a top reader but is socially aware and athletic and secure and not pressured. Once we took the pressure off and let her be herself she blossomed. She sometimes gets sad that she’s not in “honors” classes with some of her friends in middle school- but I tell her no one has ever asked me in a job interview about middle school grades or class placement ( high school to come to think of it )
Rose says
I am a retired teacher and one of the things I miss the most about being out of the school setting is the time I spent sitting beside a child and enjoying a picture book. Can you picture me going into a public library and sitting down with a stack of picture books? I miss my picture books!
Kelly says
As a kindergarten teacher with over 18!yrs of experience under my belt, I find that no matter what “level” your child reads at…, they all end up reading the same books from 5th grade on…. My REAl concern? Are they interested and engaged in being read to…. Do they have favorite books even if they can’t read the words……do they pretend to “read” the book before they can actually read the words? If your child can do all those things? Who cares what level they read at for now…. It’s VERY likely they’ll end up in exactly the same place by age 10.
JillPE says
Beautiful post! I wonder what our school system would look like if it could focus on celebrating student success in all of Mr. Gardner’s Intelligences…
Heather says
Holy HELL!!!! Yes, YEs, YES!!!!! Thank you for this. I’m going to send this to everyone I know.
robin T. Galt says
Wise words.
My first-born starts kindergarten next fall, and I am already dreading the comparisons and standards and labels. Right now both of my children go to a play-based preschool and it works for us. Once they enter the school system I am going to have to remember your suggestions.
Sharing this with a friend who has elementary aged kids.
Krista says
Laughed so hard at this! Talking about sports accomplishments takes it to a whole other level. When I say, ‘oh my kids aren’t in organized sports’ it’s like the world stops revolving for a moment and they look at me like I’ve spoken in a foreign language. They can no longer relate to me because I am not preparing my boys for the NFL and my daughter a professional ballerina!
Stacy Mc says
Yes! I love this. It is hard to deal with and you give great suggestions. I want to post this to facebook but I had just dealt with one of these pissing contest this morning and don’t want to offend the other mother. ha (Sorry about the language.)
Abby says
So my oldest two (out of three) are “gifted” and attend special classes at their school twice a week to give them different work. My first grader was recently tested at the request of his teacher because she saw that he was struggling to stay interested in the classroom and she had a hunch he was bored with the material. Results? Off the charts scores on his intelligence tests that cover reading and math. He’s in his twice weekly class with third graders now. I posted a quick, “So proud of my boy!” status on Facebook, and later found out that an acquaintance was bad mouthing me behind my back. She was saying that it is so rude to publicly exclaim how “ahead” our kids are and she has a hard time reading stuff like that because her son the same age has autism and struggles. On the surface she saw a proud mom saying “Way to go!” about her kid. What she didn’t see? On July 10, 2014 my brother murdered my dad. On September 10, 2014 my mom took her own life. I have no one else to share these milestones/accomplishments with except for friends, and after so so much (seriously, so much) shitty, it felt good to have a good thing happen. What she also doesn’t see? This “gifted” child has adhd and has struggled since toddlerhood to keep on track with things. This same boy has (unfortunately) some eerily comparable similarities to my aforementioned brother, the murderer. Wildness, some anger issues, etc. I’ve spent the last year sorting through my own insane thoughts about not comparing the child in front of me to the child my brother was, and making plans for their paths to end up in similar fates. So when I have a teacher tell me that he is a delight to teach, he behaves well at school, and oh hey! He is “gifted” and reading on a fourth grade level, what you’re seeing on Facebook is a proud mom, yes, but also an exhausted, sobbing, emotional sigh of relief for this child that has at times struggled with other things besides reading, and at such a young age has also gone through tremendous loss that no one should ever have to bear and that none of us still quite understand. In this house we celebrate all accomplishments, whether that’s getting a good grade on a test or learning to tie your shoes or earning a new bet at karate practice. We even (I swear) threw a POOP PARTY for my oldest when she was three because she finally pooped in the toilet. There were cupcakes and balloons. For poop. So I would encourage moms who find it hard to hear about kids excelling at something their own child maybe doesn’t do as well: that’s just a proud mom right there. She probably has struggles you know nothing about, and unless she’s being mean about it, celebrate with her. If she’s a good person and friend she’ll be right there to pat your kid on the back when they score a point in the basketball game or read their first chapter book. Just think how awesome it would be as a kid if instead of only having your own mom excited for you and proud of you, everyone in your little world was proud of you!
Tara says
There is a big difference between parents (typically mama’s) bragging about their child or children’s accomplishments and a parent simply sharing a milestone finally reached. Usually, if you know the parent, you are able to tell the difference in theirs behaviors. However, if you have a a child who takes a different path, a senic route which often leave us parents wondering when or if they will get to the hopeful destination that those other parents brag about and even those parents who’s child finally do meet their long awaited destinations can sting a bit. I don’t know if that makes sense but the reality is that usually parents who brag and who talk up their children have insecurities and issues of their own. My daughter has Down syndrome, she has had seizures and has heart issues and other medical issues that has caused speed bumps and there have been times that I have found myself comparing my daughter to these other children and their accomplishments, but in those moments I am allowing myself to be robbed. We were given our children as the wonderful individual little beings that they are, we should only be celebrating them and finding our strength in the knowledge that we were trusted with the care and keeping of their little souls, not those of others. It’s easier said than done but don’t be insecure in your jewels when those bragging mothers truly don’t know what they have. ❤️
organical true says
a young child reading a tome without being able to demonstrate comprehension of what he’s read, to me, is as unimpressive as young national spelling bee contestants mastering the spelling of obscure words that they’ll never know the meanings of. so what’s the point of it being praiseworthy? my children have adopted my short attention span when it comes to recreational reading. they have experienced self-doubt because they weren’t reading Lord of the Rings and being given kudos by teachers in front of their peers. i taught them that it’s not the length of what you read, but that you are genuinely interested in what you are reading and that you are learning something that you didn’t know before. when that happens, you stand a better chance of retaining that information that you can later contribute to a variety of random conversations with people, or that you can draw upon for school projects or real-life situations.
academic-related achievement is only one measure (of many) of a child’s intellect. it’s sad when i see parents (and i have seen LOTS of them) boast about their children’s test scores, school acceptance, or their reading/math levels, as though those things are the most significant factors of their intelligence and their worth. and it’s a lot of pressure to put on a child, who eventually, will plateau and discover that there is always someone who reads better, calculates faster/more accurately, tests and places higher, and qualifies for more accolades. what a crushing blow that must be to their sense of self-worth, if only one aspect of their intelligence is all their parents can seem to want to focus on.
Adad says
Claim that while coloring with crayons, your kid has just discovered the unified theory in physics correcting Einstein’s long standing problem and it is up for peer review. Ask them to cross their fingers and hope it doesn’t turn our that he’s an idiot after all. I find it is the easiest way to shut bragarts up. I’m not interested in being friends with them anyway.
Sophia says
Oh man, I know I am the bragee so far, my kid is only 13m and he’s coming along so well and I want to tell everyone in the whole world.
I go on these baby forums (don’t have many real life mummy friends) and everyone is talking about their same age …baby, toddler(?)… and asking questions that seemed relevant to me months ago but not anymore – stuff about sleep (it freaks me out some people’s kids are still not sleeping well because I am about to have another and people keep saying soon the universe will get revenge for my easy time with my first) or whatever. Plus the whole tantrums thing – people’s kids are starting to have frustration tantrums because they can’t communicate – my kid communicates so well. I mean genuinely, anything he wants he tells us, with words, there’s no need for tantrums, the only time he gets upset is when a) we know what he wants and say no anyway and b) when we restrict his body (e.g. to change his nappy or get him dressed). The rest of the time he’s happy as a clam – and I am so thrilled by this, who wouldn’t be – he is an absolute delight of a child, I couldn’t ask for a more easy and wonderful kid.
And everyone else has these terror kids by the way they describe it and I just wish wish wish I had someone I could gush to about my wonderful baby without either being suspected of lying or being considered gauche for bragging. Grandparents are not enough man. I want to gush about him 24/7 😛
Jasmi says
I guess people here dint understand the post look most parents that brag about their kids are doing it to boost their ego their kids is like a trophy for them why they never talk aboit their personality how boby is so kind or helpful for others instead they choose to focus on their academics and athletics accomplishment because is actually a competition for them,and it helps them to deal with their unsuccessful lives
Amy says
I think as parent, we are just proud of our kids, no matter what their accomplishments are, whether it is big or small. I am proud of my older daughter for being a gifted reader, and I am proud of my middle daughter who is an average reader who has to work really hard. I think many parents are just talking about their kids because they love their children and their kids are the most important part of their life. I was proud of my youngest for being the last to walk in her class, at 18 months, because that is who she was. It did not bother me when other parents talked about their early walkers or talkers, but instead I felt it was just trading stories about our children. I am excited to hear other friends and family discuss their children’s unique personalities. As parents, we are proud of our babies and our children, no matter what they do. Yet, I find myself walking on eggshells around family and friends when I talk about my kids least they might think I am bragging. I find I am able to freely talk about my average child’s accomplishments, but I am not free to discuss our challenges and accomplishments from our gifted child without possibility being misunderstood and making others uncomfortable. I find these same parents freely talk about their kids’ athletic accomplishments, but we have to keep a lid on our child’s academic and musical accomplishments. I am not jealous of other children’s accomplishments but happy for them, because our children are all unique, whether they are “gifted” “talented,” “average,” or “special needs.”
Mariam says
Hey, I do feel anxious while talking to my friends who are never lazy to talk how smart their kids are. I feel and I can see that both of my girls are very smart and fun and I am proud because they are much better versions of me. However I just cant talk about how clever or fun they are, it seems very awkward to tell other people what you think about your children, because I believe that all the kids of these generation are special and emphasizing your own just does not seem right. Then I start worrying, maybe I should go public and start praising them all the time but also then I think they will grow up and those who really are talented will be out there and everyone would know without making big deal at this age. What you think?
Tina Burris says
Everyone wants to be known as a humble person but news flash! We cannot have our cake and eat it too! I have grown quite tired of everyone’s “humble brags.” I no longer sign onto Facebook unless it’s to post a heads up about bad weather. I can barely stomach this world anymore. All the selfies and all the “subtle” bragging. I’d rather everyone just put it out there that they KNOW they are vain or at least understand how unbelievably insecure they are. There is nothing worse than “humble bragging” and passive aggression (this is another topic of how cowardly everyone has become) This world has become so full of ugly vanity and selfishness.
Tina Burris says
Oh, and just think about how us women that do not have children feel? I cannot stand when I hear mothers say “I am so blessed.” Blessed because you have children? Adam and Eve had Cain. Get back to me in 30 years when you’ve found out your child has not grown up to be a serial killer or a thief or a rapist, etc, and then we’ll decide whether you are blessed or not. Remember ladies, some women in this world do not have children, so be careful how you make others feel. There is more to this life than just your kids. It takes NO talent on your part to have children. All praise goes to God for that.