On Dash’s first day of preschool four years ago, Nella led the way. She buckled his seat belt, tucked his lunch box in his tote bag and guided him to his classroom, kitty-corner from hers. He was the freshman, she was the senior, and she took great pride in knowing the ropes. He needed her, and she loved that he needed her.
For six years, we’ve coasted in this wonderland of perfect sibling roles–of Knowing Older Sister leads Learning Younger Brother and everything good that comes with it. Dash likes to be the knowing one and has no problem trying to take boss status from Lainey, but Nella? He lets her lead.
This year, Nella again led Dash into his new school, into the same kindergarten classroom where she once had a seat sack with her name on it. She’s known every rhyme in the poetry notebook he’s brought home every Friday because she learned the same ones, and she’s quizzed him on sight words from the same chart she learned from.
But now that we are rounding the end of the year, it’s different. At some point this year, things began to shift as he sped through lessons and quickly mastered skills that she is still grasping. He’s a full-blown reader now and doesn’t need her help. He corrects her when she doesn’t pronounce a word right and jumps to finish a sentence she’s reading if it’s taking her longer than “Dash Time” which, frankly, isn’t a fair standard for anyone. Dash sees Nella as nothing more than his sister and playmate and, as every good brother should do, pushes her, believes in her and calls her out when she’s not performing to the level of his expectations for her. We love that and think it’s good for Nella, but there are holes in this method–like when he chastised her for her handwriting last week when they were comparing sentences they wrote together. “Nella, that’s so bad. Why do you write sloppy?” I saw her little pride bubble deflate a little as she quickly tucked her notebook away. From the rear view mirror on another day last week, I watched as Dash and Nella both pulled their art projects from their backpacks after they climbed in the back seat, so proud to show me; and I winced as Nella quickly pushed hers back into her bag once she saw Dash’s.
We’ve never minded the patient approach to supporting her beautiful slow and steady, deliberate path to academic learning; but we have admitted that the hardest thing about this path would be if she is discouraged in recognizing that it takes her a little longer or that her work looks a little different. For nine years, we’ve helped her build strong emotional muscles, stacked her with confidence, praised her uniqueness, cushioned the reality of “It takes you longer, and that’s okay!” with so many spoken examples of our own slower pace or delayed mastery of a skill coupled with great acceptance of ourselves: “Mommy takes a long time to read a book, and that’s okay–I don’t want to rush!” “Daddy has messy handwriting, but he keeps writing! It’s his trademark and he’s proud of it!” We subconsciously eat, sleep and breathe self acceptance and love for what makes us different in this home, hoping our kids–especially Nella–will absorb it by osmosis.
Nella has proven she can hold her own. It takes such grace and confidence to keep learning, keep reading, keep showing up in a classroom when you’re working on skills your peers have mastered long ago; but she does it, and she does it well. The one person’s compatibility that has meant the most to her though, is her brother’s; and as he surpasses her in math and reading skills, I’ll be honest in admitting that it’s sad to see their roles shift.
Here’s what I know though: We are good at creatively embracing a parenting challenge. We’ve been so fortunate to coast through the past couple of years without any major challenges with Nella. We got this! The other night, Brett and I talked about some of the things we are noticing lately, and I love how quickly our conversation shifted from “that’s sad” to “I have an idea!” We are naturally equipped with instincts to swoop in with solutions. Within ten minutes, we had a game plan for how we are going to support our family through these changes–how we can educate Dash to understand Nella’s needs more, how we can help Nella lean in to Dash’s growth and use it to her advantage, and how we can be better about identifying Nella’s unique strengths that her siblings don’t have and letting her shine in those moments. We are motivated and thankful for this nudge and are already noticing things getting better.
In a well-timed moment at the end of the week last week, right after Brett and I had talked about some of the changes we are noticing and how we basically wanted Nella to have some glorious moment of well-earned success recognized (you know–podium, trophy, cheering), we sat on our lanai at sunset, watching the kids play in the pool. I was snapping a few pictures, cautioning them to calm down a little because “someone’s going to lose an eye” when sure enough, Dash got hurt. His cries are a bat signal for Nella, and our superhero did what she does best–she ran to comfort. She is better at this than anyone. She is the senior, we are her freshmen. She scooped him right off his feet and held him like a baby, knowing he’d be weightless in the water.
He milked it, and she loved it, staying close to him and whispering things we couldn’t hear in his ear until he decided he had his fill of her love and attention. I asked him if he needed a Band-Aid, and he ignored me. He wanted her, not me.
She will always be his big sister and teach him the things she does better than anyone else. He doesn’t know yet how lucky he is to have a golden ticket into the course she’s teaching, but he will soon.
It’s been a rough weekend. Our sweet Latte is suddenly dwindling fast, and we may have to put her down. There have been so many tears the past few days. The other night, Nella climbed in bed with Lainey and patted her back as she cried. Over and over, she repeated, “I love you, Lainey.” She’s bringing so much light and compassion to this whole situation, and we all recognize how important her special gifts are.
Oh, and that art project she did? It’s perfect.
Beth S. says
Quoting = “He doesn’t know yet how lucky he is to have a golden ticket into the course she’s teaching, but he will soon.”
I’m all tear-ed up. So true.
Jane says
I have lived this as well, Kelle. In the grand scheme, the our daughters have developed an unusual empathy and love for their brother. He has led us on a journey of love for forty years!
Courtny says
I’ve got some tears flowing…but I loved reading this! My daughter as well…she’s the one who “nurtures”. My thoughts are with you and your family, especially Lainey, as you say your goodbyes to Latte.
Chelsea says
This is so lovely, it made me cry. It’s so interesting how we prioritize skills and advancement in our culture — but in these moments with Lainey and Dash…look at how much value Nella’s compassion brings. I think we can all learn so much from that as a society. We definitely need more Nellas!
Crystal Kupper says
Have any tips for when the siblings with special needs gets all the attention? Our daughter in a wheelchair has been on national TV twice now, and it really hurt our oldest when the producers said they weren’t interested in filming any of the other kids, just her. 🙁
Gail Okeson says
This is so beautiful to read Kelle. Your pictures tell a story and I can just feel the love your children have for one another.
Reenie says
Beautiful….and sweet.
So sorry to hear about Latte. 🙁
Jennifer Reil says
I just love sweet Nella! Everyone in your family is a superstar!
Shelley Donohue says
This is beautiful. Truly. I’m so sorry for what you have coming up with your dog. And for Lainey having to go through it. I have a 12 year old also and they are feeling so much right now, every emotion is amplified.
Meghan says
I am so glad you added that art project update in the end – I was heartbroken for her. Art is so subjective and personal you can’t ever compare it to anyone else.
What sweet children.
I am sorry about Latte – my kids went through that with our cat just over a year ago, and my parents’ dog has looked like it was the end a few times (my kids are very close, as they see my parents 3x a week at least), but keeps rallying….but she is 14 years old, so we know we are near the end.
Jeanie Herkomer says
Your insight is spectacular! I’m always amazed at how you handle Nella with such encouragement and grace.
I am so sorry to hear about Latte. Prayers for her and the rest of your family.
Margot says
Beautiful post!
Kelly says
I love your blog. I’m a singleton in the beginning stages of adopting out of the foster care system and if I can bring even 5% of the love you do into this future monkey’s life, I will feel so grateful.
Maryanne says
I teach preschool STEAM and I’m always telling my kiddos, “It’s Art. There’s no way to do Art wrong.”
shannon Denna says
I have three kids, and our middle daughter, Riley is 9 and our son Brayden is 7. We have had this exact same experience as his skills have skyrocketed in the last year and I can relate 1000% to everything you wrote. The sad and the happy. I rarely have time to keep up with blogs, but every time I happen upon one of your posts I am lifted up. Thank you and keep on speaking the truth – one special moment at a time.
Amy says
I cried at the end of your post… so well-written and so sorry about Latte?. Your kids all sound so special
Jarilyn says
OMG this is so incredibly sweet! My oldest, 6, is special care needs. Was born with harsh medical conditions and actually just received a kidney transplant. She is in her first year of school and has two younger birthday, 2 year old twin bros, and I imagine how it will be once they get a little older. I feel like it will mirror this scenario. They are all so sweet to each other. But I;m sure we will see the competition turned up a notch.
K D says
Sorry to hear about Latte 🙁
Where is Nella’s striped yellow dress from? Can I buy it for my Nella when she outgrows it?? Lol! Love your style and how the kids are dressed!
Emma Leigh says
So sweet. My dad is the youngest of 3, and the middle brother, my uncle, has DS. I know there were periods of this adjustment for their family, too, like when my dad got old enough for school and my uncle said, “I want to go too.” My Dad still helps take care of my uncle even now that both my grandparents have passed. They definitely share a special bond!
Carol says
Thank you for capturing the touching bittersweet moment. Hannah is the baby of the family even at 13. ❤️
Nicole says
You had me in tears. Love this post! Thanks for sharing!
Lori Adams says
Oh the tears!!! I have followed Nella, and you of course since she was born, and she is just so amazing!!!! Yall were MADE to be her parents!!!
Phoebe K says
Oh, gosh. This is a good one. My oldest daughter is 6. We adopted her from foster care and she was neglected until she was 2. Without a good start to life, she is behind and also a bit slower to learn. My four year old son has recently started catching up to her in reading and my heart crumbles when I see her self confidence deflate. I loved your words about Nella’s best qualities, because my girl shares similar ones. She’s our caretaker and our happy girl. I will return to this post when I need a reminder. Thank you ♥️
Monica says
Love your words. They bring me happy tears. Then the ending with Latte. So sad. I’m so sorry your family is going through this. Bring up the Rainbow Bridge poem for you and your kids. It’s both sweet and comforting. Peace.
Amy says
Would love to know your and Brett’s ideas and game plan as I think many families could benefit, including my own as we are in a similar situation. Thank you!
Jodie Parrish says
You have very lucky children! You and Brett cultivate each of their strengths!
PM says
Just what I needed to hear this morning.
Rosanna says
Beautiful, especially the picture of Nella and Dash in the pool, him with his head down and her looking at him with such love. Thank you for sharing these moments. My 6-year old son has ADHD and is delayed in some areas while excelling in others. His 3-year old little sister both teaches him and learns from him. It is lovely to watch, even if it sometimes gives me a lump in my throat!
ellen patton says
I love this post. You have such a way with words.
Madison says
Your articles are such an encouragement. I found your site years ago as I admired your photography and over the years how it has grown. Now I have my own little rays of sunshine. My sweet girl has many delays due to cmv and does things in her own style and way. But what you addressed here are things I contemplate between her and her little brother (4 and 18months). Thank you so much for sharing and allowing us to see the ever changing dynamics of family and how to adapt and embrace each part.