Good Morning, Internet Friends!
If you are like me, you have your friends categorized into a mental Roladex (can we even still use that word or is it archaically unrelatable now?) of people you call when particular situations arise. The following are some of my situations:
- There’s a butter grease stain on my favorite white pants. Call Dede.
- I butchered my bangs again in a late night wine-induced “I think I am a hairstylist” session. Call Crystal.
- Something major embarrassing just happened in a crowd of people, and I need someone to tell me something even more embarrassing just happened to them. Call Heidi.
- I’m pretty sure there’s a major school event coming up that requires some preparation, but I lost the paper that came home telling me about it. Call Lindsey.
- There’s a parenting situation happening that involves a lot of feelings, I don’t know how to handle it, and I need some solid helpful advice. Call Amy.
That last one–my friend Amy? She’s a writer (check out her latest piece on USA Today), mother and advocate who listens to all my questions and stories with such warmth, acceptance and relatability. Together with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, Amy makes an incredible source of wisdom and advice to support parents and friends. I’ve been lucky to hold Amy as my own secret powerful resource for years, only wishing I could package up her warmth and advice and share it with the world. And now that’s happening because Amy and Jeffrey have their first book publishing next year, a book filled with stories that explore six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet. All I can say is lucky world. And lucky us because, for the next six weeks, I’ll be sharing my friend Amy with you in a post each week discussing some of the big parenting questions we all share.
You can connect more with Amy and Jeffrey on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook.
As the school year comes to a close, so does a lot of our anxiety about school issues. But for many who are preparing to send new students to school next year, this is when anxiety sets in. We’ve seen too many stories of school shootings on the news this year, and sadly, it’s a different era where security and safety for potential threats is part of everyday protocol for even the littlest of students. I’ll never forget last year, Dash’s first year of kindergarten, where shifts in security rules and district precautions following the Parkland shooting gave the beginning of the year a certain heaviness. No more walking our kids to their classrooms. The thought of lockdown drills for kids barely big enough to hold the weight of their backpacks felt so overwhelming, and I completely understand these feelings weighing heavy over the summer.
Cue “Call Amy.” I’m honored to have Amy answering this question this week and more on the heavy issues of parenting in the coming weeks.
My daughter is going into kindergarten next year and will have to take part in the school’s lockdown drills. She’s a really anxious kid, and I’m worried that the drills will terrify her. Also, the thought of having to prepare her for school shootings makes me feel overwhelmed, teary, and a little furious. What can I do to manage my own emotions and make the experience less scary for her, too?
— Anxious Mom
Oh, Anxious Mom. We’re so sorry. If it helps, your question makes us sad and a little furious, too. And the situation you’re describing is familiar to so many parents right now. While statistically rare, the reality of school gun violence in the US is real. And school systems are on the front lines, trying to prepare kids for emergencies while balancing the mental health and wellbeing of their students.
We would start by reaching out to your daughter’s school to tell them about her anxiety and ask for help. Her teacher may be able to tell you more about the drills and share tips about how to prepare her. As you reach out, remember that the school is trying to navigate a difficult situation as best they can. Try to listen to what they share with an open heart. Our two older boys were in first and fourth grade during Sandy Hook, and in the days following the tragedy we connected and mourned with their teachers, listening as they shared their own fear and heartbreak. Especially in times of stress, we cannot forget how much we need each other.
The drills may be less scary for your daughter if you prepare her for them ahead of time. You could begin by asking if she has ever had to cover or hide in a classroom for pretend, or if she knows why she might have to do this. If she does not know and doesn’t use words like, “a bad person might shoot me,” consider carefully before giving her that information. It’s heavy knowledge to carry, and when she’s very little, not knowing is likely a gift. A simple statement like, “It’s important to learn how to be safe” may be enough. Tell her that sometimes at school she’s going to practice being safe, and when she’s practicing, she should listen quietly and follow her teacher’s instructions.
You can also equip her to face frightening situations by giving her some words and actions to remember when she’s scared. We’ve taught our youngest that once he’s in a quiet place, he can cross his arms in front of his body and grab onto his shoulders to hug tight, feeling the squeeze. We tell him that God is like a mommy or a daddy, with arms of love stretching out to hold him. Even when we’re not there, God’s love is always pressing in all around him, just like that hug.
You could tell your daughter that your love for her stretches out wide from your arms to reach her wherever she is, even when you’re apart. Have her touch her head, her feet, her arms, her belly. As she does, place your hands over hers and tell her that she is covered and surrounded by love, all the time. If she is ever scared or feeling alone, she can wrap her arms around herself and squeeze tight to remember that love is right there with her. Love will never, ever leave her on her own. And that love is all around her teacher, her friends, and you, too. Love will hold all of you together until you’re
close again.
For some kids, the physical sensation they get from wrapping their arms around themselves in a squeeze can provide sensory stimulation and relief when they’re scared. The Butterfly Hug is a particularly therapeutic hug method to teach. Also, giving your daughter something to set her mind on in times of fear (I am not alone, Love is here with me) is a better strategy than telling her not to be scared, because brain science tells us that the more we tell ourselves not to think about something, the more we get stuck in that very place.
About 95% of schools in the US participate in lockdown drills, and research shows that lockdown drills can be effective, especially when they are done calmly and without a named threat. Realistic active shooter drills, or drills that act out a response to an attacker on school grounds, are a particular sort of lockdown drill. As we researched your question, we could not find evidence that realistic active shooter drills make our children safer. But there is good evidence to suggest that they can cause psychological harm.
We’ve found action to be an antidote to fear and a channel for fury. For the sake of your daughter and the other children who will be subject to the drills, find out more about the type of drills your school is planning, and consider requesting that all drills follow these guidelines from the National Association of School Psychologists and the National Association of School Resource Officers. Among other recommendations, they state that participation in active shooters drills should be optional and require parental consent.
Being scared and learning to manage fear is a healthy part of child development, and your daughter is going to have to experience scary things in her childhood. But our children need us to try to protect them from overtly terrifying experiences. If your daughter has an anxiety disorder or a history with gun violence, and your school has moved beyond lockdowns to more realistic active shooter exercises, consider keeping her home on the day of the drill. She will still need to learn to stay quiet and follow her teacher if there is an emergency at school, but for kids in these situations, participation can be traumatizing.
Finally, fear and fury can move us to action, but they can also steal joy. Allow yourself to enter into beautiful moments with your daughter wholeheartedly. Tell her to ask for a hug anytime she needs one, and offer them freely. When you’re snuggling her close, remind her that love will always, forever hold you together — no matter what.
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If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.
We don’t have to live like this. We don’t have to put our kids through this. Text ACT to 64433 and learn about Moms Demand Action, a bipartisan grassroots group of volunteers working to prevent gun violence. In other countries, kids don’t have to do these drills. With common sense gun reform, our kids won’t have to carry this burden either.
Hi Manda, it’s Amy from Growing Connected. Thank you for sharing this information. We agree that our kids shouldn’t have to live like this, and we are committed to lifting up the voices of individuals and organizations working for change. We also believe that we must find ways to stand with our kids right now, in the situations they’re facing today, while we work together for a better world.
This topic came up tonight while at a baseball game. My dad (a retired administrator) asked if my university did active shooter drills. We don’t, but as a prof, I always have a plan for what to do if anything happens. I mentioned that my daughter does them in her elementary school, and she told us they call them “intruder drills,” so we used that term in our discussion as she told everyone what she does. Her school has managed to prepare the kids well: they have a simple plan, the kids understand it, and they don’t make a big deal about it or role play or tell the kids possible scenarios—“intruder” seems to work. Our school district had a threat this year and closed the district for the day, and that too was handled well. We could tell the kids that the school teachers and administrators are doing all they can to keep them safe, so they don’t need to be afraid to go to school (and they weren’t!). Our family is pretty open, so we talked about how bad things do happen in this world, but God is always with us and we can always talk to him if we’re afraid. We also talked about the people who help keep us safe, from family members who work in cyber security to the school guard at the middle school. I think kids are less fearful if we talk openly but at an age-appropriate level.
It seems every parent has that story where their child wandered away and they spent minutes that felt like hours searching for them, envisioning the worst like kidnapping. Or maybe they took their eyes off their child for a second near a pool and next thing they know, they’re jumping into it in full clothing to get their flailing child to safety. How do we avoid these situations, other than the obvious “don’t ever take your eyes off your child”? How do we cope with the fear, guilt, shame, and anxiety if it does happen? How do we stop reliving these moments and wondering “What if I hadn’t found/saved her in time?” Or “I’m not fit to keep these children safe?”
Don’t know if it’s helpful to share, but our neice (age 7) has a teacher who asked each child on their first day of school what their favorite animal was. She then went out and bought each child a stuffed version of their animal. They then had a day when she explained to them that these animals were special in that they had the power to keep the child calm if there was a “situation” or a storm, etc. She taught them to hold the animal close, whisper calming things “I’ll be ok, I am calm, my mommy and daddy are loving me even if they are not here, God is with me”, etc. These animals were in accessible places and could not leave the classroom, but each child was encouraged to place the animal on their desks or tables during class to use as needed. My neice talks about her tiger (Sunny) nearly every day.