During a rare ten minute break the other day, I happened to be flipping through an old magazine and found one of those “What’s in Your Bag?” articles where fancy magazine editors or presidents of cosmetics companies or other very important women empty out the contents of their expensive handbags and describe each item. I sometimes pick up great tips in these articles–stash away the name of an eye cream I want to try or a travel item I’ve suddenly been enlightened that I can’t live without. But for the most part, I scan the page in awe of how pretty everything looks when the contents of my purse look like someone tipped a garbage can upside down and shook it into a handbag. The cords of these women’s headphones aren’t tangled in knots around seven-month-old Target receipts, and they certainly don’t have wadded used wet wipes shoved in tiny pockets where lipsticks should be.
Which brings me to “My Purse is Worse,” a blog segment that may begin and end with this post or could very well take off if I can find the brave mothers in the world who think they can trump my mess and care to share the innards of their handbags.
Don’t get me wrong–there are some gems in here I’m proud of and some things I really do want to shout to the world, “You need this! You’ll love it!” But mostly, this bag is representative of the imperfect balance of being a woman, raising kids and loving lots of little pleasures the world offers.
With no further ado, My Purse is Worse.
1. Clutch Purse. Let’s start with the bag. I bought it on major clearance at our Anthropologie (I think I paid $19). This is a small purse for me, but I switched out my other purse to use this one for a party I was going to, and I never switched back–the laziness of which you’re going to see take a major theme in this post. But I will say, the advantage to smaller purses is that it keeps you from accumulating junk and forces you to clean out your purse now and then. I often have three filled purses going at once and just move my wallet from one to the other.
2. Nella’s Eye Patch. I try to keep one with me, so we’re covered out and about. If she’s on an iPad for very long, her weak eye gets tired. Bonus: We’ve totally used an eye patch for a Band-Aid when in a pinch, and it works great.
3. 500 Wadded Receipts. I try so hard to keep only the important ones and have all these tactics for avoiding receipt accumulation–throwing them in the garbage before I get to my car, holding my hand up to the cashier and saying “Don’t need a receipt! Thanks!”–but they still make their way in there. If I started a band, War Against the Receipts would definitely be a contender for names.
4. A Tampon. Not that it will actually still be in my purse when I need it–say, in the middle of a workout with a trainer. No, that would be way too responsible. But you know, when I’m digging for a pen at a check-out with five people waiting and watching, that tampon that by then will have fallen out of its wrapper at the bottom of my purse and rolled around in crumbs will definitely be there for me.
5. Metrosexual Ken. We pack Barbies like snacks for Nella so that at any given time you’ll find 2-3 in my purse. First pick is Kiki, but she’s usually in the bathtub. Paquel and Poop will stand in, but I think they’re in the back basket of Dash’s tricycle, so Metrosexual Ken has purse duty right now, and yes–he’s missing a leg. What can I say, Purse Duty’s a hard knock life. It’s like the front lines of battle. Technically, he doesn’t even fit this purse well, so his foot hangs out, but this creates a fantastic conversation starter for anyone who notices.
6. Journal/Notebook. I always carry a blank compact journal in my purse for lists, ideas, funny things Dash says that I don’t want to forget and sudden writing inspiration. I love this velvety purse-size Poetry & Prose one. I think I got it at Target, but there’s a similar one (and leather!) here.
7. D.A.R.E. Graduation program. From, like, three weeks ago. No reason to save it, just random paper that clutters up my life.
8. Tea Pouch. Listen up, this one’s a good one for gift givers. My “healthy friend” (we all have one) who helps me keep toxins out of my life and eating good is also the most thoughtful gift giver. She gave me this little tea pouch filled with all these organic teas and mushroom cacoa. I love having it in my purse, so when I’m out, all I have to do is order hot water. I drove home from Miami pretty late last week, so before I got on Alligator Alley, I picked up a hot water at a drive-thru and had a nice comforting hot tea with a podcast while the kids slept the whole way home.
9. Dirty Mentos. Little @#$kers always trying to escape from their package.
10. Oh, you know–a Kids’ Sunglasses Lens–just floatin’.
11. Cocktail Stirrers. These are the things that make you a hero when say, you’re out in the middle of nowhere, someone tries to mix something and says, “If only we had a cocktail stirrer.” And then you get to say, “FUNNY YOU ASKED” and dramatically pull it out. I actually remember why they’re in here. Somehow they made the purse transfer well after our Chicago trip before Christmas when I stashed them in my purse with travel Vodkas and tiny bottles of fresh-squeezed grapefruit juice so that I could impress my dad with the world’s best plane cocktail once we were in the air.
12. Smith’s Rosebud Salve. For lips, dry elbows, chapped little cheeks, anything and everything. There’s nothing worse than having a dry lip attack and not being able to find something to put on them.
13. Instax Pics. All taken by Lainey. They’re all over my purse, and I love it. When she takes pictures, she hands them to me to hang on to, and I shove them in my purse and forget about them. The best part about this comes, of course, weeks later, when I’m having a crap day or in too much of a hurry, and I’m rifling through my purse for a pen or a lipstick or a credit card and land upon a photo of a blue sky painted with palm fronds, or Dash flashing a silly face, or a blurry capture of a slime concoction that made her proud–all reminders of what she sees and deems art, all guaranteed to make me smile.
14. My Phone. By choice, Brett traded his iPhone for a Galaxy and loves it, but me? I’m loyal. Wither thou go, I will goest, Apple. Current screensaver: Our family huddled in the snow on last year’s trip to Vail.
15. Plastic Castanets. I have no explanation as to how they got here (Dash?) but Ima be damn happy about if I’m ever out and about and hear Madonna’s La Isla Bonita playing. Hang on, I got this.
16. Two Lipsticks. For the most part, on ordinary days, it’s one of two lipstick moods, and there is no way to predict which one I might be feeling: Classic Red or Pinky Nude. The red is likely M.A.C.’s Chili, Russian Red or Ruby Woo. The nude for purse is always Revlon’s Matte Balm in Enchanting–matte yet hydrating and a color saturated enough to make an impact.
17. Sunglasses. Usually never over $20 because I lose them and scratch them and need pairs all over the place, but I’m working on trusting myself soon to get a big girl pair again.
18. Hair Elastics and Barrette. The barrette is for Nella because no matter how long her hair gets, this one side always falls in her face if it’s not in a tight braid or buns.
19. A Pencil. Note: Not sharpened, so useless, of course. I will most likely be in DIRE need of a writing utensil when I find this pencil, and the level of stress and frustration and subsequent cursing will be monumental.
20. A Winter Glove. Because I live in Florida and have two hands, and one winter glove is in great demand here. We’re just not ready to let December’s Chicago trip die out yet.
21. A Pair of Superman Underwear. With–may I take the liberty to point out–a half-sucked fuzzy Mento stuck on it. Having an extra pair of underwear on hand has saved us more times than I’d like to admit.
22. The Broken Pair of Kid Sunglasses to Which the Aforementioned Lens Belongs.
23. Hear ye, Hear ye. THIS IS MY SECRET TRICK–the Apple SD Card Camera Reader. I can take a pic on my big camera, pop the card out and instantly see/edit/share it on my phone. I use these on trips a lot.
24. Extra Camera Battery.
25. Metrosexual Ken’s Leg. Oh, there it is. I guess I can remove the cocktail stirrers because Ken’s leg can take care of that now.
Not Available for Photo: My wallet because, I found out later when I went to pay for groceries, I left it on the counter.
Think you can top this? Tell me the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in your purse. Better yet, dump your purse and send a picture of its contents to kellehampton@comcast.net or direct message me on Instagram @etst.
So funny!!! I’ve graduated down to my trusty iPhone case with a place for credit card, drivers license and library card and a small spot for bandaids and cash. It fits in my pocket and that is all I need. My car console carries lipgloss, nail paraphernalia, postal box key, coinage, breath mints, sunglasses and small Stanley tape measure. I must add either cocktail stirrers or a lone Ken leg.
This…this post is just one of the biggest reasons I love your blog!! You keep it so real and honest. Thanks for being yourself, Kelle!!
This is priceless and I relate! ???????? Love it.
This should definitely become a series. Love it. I find baby socks in all my bags. My baby never really wore socks and yet I stuck them everywhere and never moved them out. I now have an emergency pair for any sock-less baby nearby.
The best post. Man, SO relatable! (and I have teenagers!) hahaha!
I love it!! Last week I accidentally put my water bottle in my bag with the spout open. I didn’t realize it until I felt wetness seeping through onto my leg—eek. So now my bag contents are tinted red from the cherry Ludens cough drops that were basically melted. Just another day in the life…
I have a lightning to USB cable that I use with the cord from my camera to connect my camera to my iPhone. Do you know if the card reader loads the pictures more quickly?
I emptied out one of my purses just before Christmas and found one of those plastic things you put in a wall socket so your kids don’t stick a key or a fork in there and get zapped.
Okay, you may say “that’s not so weird”, But……….my youngest child is 20.
Always be prepared. :o)
I’m in luck at the moment — my brother gave me a teeny little Tory Burch wallet for Christmas (guess where his girlfriend works?) that holds a little cash and cards. That’s it! I love it and it keeps my giant Coach wallet (that I adore but is huge) in a bigger purse. I’m using my smaller purse and just carrying the wallet, my phone and some makeup. And a hairband. And some gum. Okay, not nothing.
Love the post!! Nearly died laughing!
The worst thing I found in my purse today was the rolled up bloodied band-aid from my blood draw at the annual I’m a girl doctors appointment, but at least I found it in the comfort of my own home instead of at the Target checkout. 🙂
Oh my God. I’ve so been there! Hilarious.
I love this! I don’t have kids, but I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a doll missing a leg in my bag, either. I swear I’m not sure how half of this crap winds up in my bag.
http://aneducationindomestication.com
Because my kids are the furry variety, I always have poop bags in my purse (and the pocket of every coat/jeans/sweatpants I own). I once fished a USED poop bag out of my purse days later; I had been rushing to get somewhere, couldn’t find a garbage can and in an act of desperation tucked it into a side pocket, ASSUMING I’D REMEMBER IT WAS THERE. That is hands down the weirdest (and most disgusting) thing I’ve ever found in my bag.
My purse isn’t very exciting – but I did once get up in the middle of the night to pee, and found a binky … in my cleavage.
Please make this a thing. I was in tears this was so funny. I love the ken doll and leg and the cocktail stir stick. Even non- mama bags would be a riot to read about like this!
I read this too fast as ‘love the Ken doll leg cocktail stir stick.’
I suppose in a pinch it would totally work! 😀
I love this!! Such a fun idea! I am definitely going to be doing one of these! The weirdest thing I can think of atm is a felt party hat… Don’t ask. Haha! I love your sense of humour in this! Love, love, LOVE. xx
I blame summer church camp- scavenger hunt night, where you’re given 5 minutes to go to put everything that might help your cabin win into a pillowcase….it’s like that’s the mentality I default to everytime I leave the house or the car. And same here with the tampons, I’d say 10% that I buy are lost to crumbs in the bottom of the purse.
All you ladies texting their pics of tampons rolling g round in your purse are making me so Anxious for your health!! please please darling girls go to target today and buy yourselves a neat little makeup bag, some fresh clean wrapped tampons, – tiny envelope of wet wipes, and some ibuprofen and make yourselves a little lady survival kit!!!! I also keep spare undies and an empty small baggie in mine. My purse is a leather backpack though ????
this is genious!
I laughed so hard I’m crying! I love it! You win! Years ago I had 4 children aged 10 and under so I had everything, I mean evvvverything in my bag. Not anymore, Thank you Lord.
I want to thank you for your honesty about potential cursing when you can’t find a writing instrument. Being a mother is a challenge. My kids had to learn to curse from someone so why not me? Just being silly. I really do appreciate your honesty.
Have a great weekend!
But it all looks so pretty! My purse is pretty bad…maybe I’ll work up the courage to do a purse dump this weekend.
I love your writing. Gave me a much needed chuckle this morning! chuckle…I sound like my grandmother…
Ha! I love “much needed chuckle.” We’re all getting old.
I always get teased for my mom-purse, but that teasing quickly ends when someone needs a diaper wipe (kids are 9 and 11 but I still keep a baggie on hand), a bandaid, or dental floss. Last weekend, I ran into an old neighbour at the grocery store and he said “hey, you’re a mom, I bet you have a tissue!” And I did. Of course.
Also, my tampon trick: LuluLemon gift cards come in these cute little zipper bags that hold four tampons perfectly. Works like a charm…as long as I remember to refill it.
#8 You had me at ‘the kids slept the whole way home.’ I’m so buying a tea pouch.
Oh how I miss those days & those bags – I’m English so my purse only contains money. The bags I now own are uber-organised & vacuumed out every week, they still contain a lot of stuff but it’s all neat & tidy. Back in the day I too carried a selection of amazing items & ALWAYS had a spare set of panties (kids), lippy (me) & sunnies (all of us).
Oh my goodness. I am moving to England this summer. You VACUUM your bags? My purse and I might get kicked out. At the moment it contains a plethora of IKEA pencils, a plastic baby tiger, and a bunch of nasty candy my kids got out of a vending machine but I refuse to let them eat but somehow can’t throw away. In case we’re, you know, stranded.
I’m English…..we don’t all vacuum out our bags……….
sounds like a fun hobby tho’ …….I’ll slot it in somewhere between the flamenco dancing and the skydiving 😉
I loved this post so much I ended up doing my own! Such a great unique spin on the whats in my bag! Love the sarcasm and sense of humour, its right up my street! xx
This post just made my day!
We could be best friends based on the contents of your purse!! You are a true woman of proverbs prepared for all needs at all times.
“Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.” The purse contents alone attest to your creativity and authentic way of living life!
I promise My Purse is Worse. However, I no longer have small children to blame for the contents. You definitely win in describing your items. I have so many new purses (expensive-ish ones), but I’m simply too lazy to change, even with the seasons.
Dumping mine would be pretty much receipts, coupons, knives and possibly random crochet items (hooks, stitch markers, tape measure, etc.) Last week at bowling league, they were talking about something and the one woman joked that I probably had a tape measure with me so we could see how tall 28″ was. Should’ve seen her face when I actually whipped one out! I always get weird looks too when people find out I usually have 2-4 pocket knives in a purse. My dad collects knives and has made it obvious to me from a young age that you never know when you may need one, and tends to get me a new one every few Christmases.
I just added a “sensory bag” to my purse, so now my 5 year old sensory seeker can stop climbing toilet paper displays (yep) and stretch a slinky & stay by my side. I might also need to add a rice bag & mini backpack (weighted stuff helps her)–my husband laughs because I basically carry a weekender bag as my day to day purse. 2 in diapers, 1 sensory seeker, I’m constantly cold so usually I have a scarf, and…I also knit. I just need to send a pic.
I love when people do this! So many random things.
Mine would be 99% snacks… even my work bag.
The mento comment made me laugh! So true…we love them but you are so right…they don’t stay in the packaging…hence the snack size ziplock in my purse for my mentos!
Love your blog…and Instagram!