Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

Kids and Play Guns

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A few months ago, on one of my weekly daily trips to Target, I got lured to the toy aisle by Dash who wanted to “just look” for ideas for his upcoming birthday. We started in the action figure aisle, made our way to Matchbox cars and finally turned a corner to land in the gun aisle–nerf guns and laser guns, to be exact–but enough of them to take up an entire four-shelf stretch. There were guns of all sizes–little ones that could fit in your pocket all the way up to guns that took up an entire arms span. There were guns with flashing lights and sound effects, guns with motorized blasters for foam darts, guns with impressive sounding features like “speed load” and “surge fire.” Dash’s eyes grew huge as he took in the wall of guns, and the search for a birthday present was suddenly over.

“Gun!” he squealed. “I want a gun! A really big gun! I want a gun, Mom! I want a gun!” There’s nothing like a 5-year-old screaming “I WANT A GUN!” so loud in Target that people in the produce aisle no doubt heard him. And as funny as it was, I couldn’t help but feel this tinge of discomfort. I knew it wasn’t wrong for him to want a nerf gun, but there was something about standing in an aisle full of nothing more than play guns, hearing my kid yell “GUN! I WANT A GUN!” that made me dig into that discomfort and what I needed to do about it. I talked to my friend Amy about it later because, not only does she have three boys (not that it’s limited to boys), but she also offers the most thoughtful advice when it comes to my big questions in parenting.

Amy’s back today with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, to tackle the gun question in our blog series of parenting discussions with them. If you missed the first two posts, you can find their response to school lockdown drill concerns here and last week’s weight and body image discussion here. Amy and Jeffrey’s parenting book–about the six core needs every child has and every parent can meet–publishes next year (cannot WAIT!). Until then, I’m honored to share their wisdom and heart in this space.

My 5-year-old son’s birthday is coming up and all he wants is a nerf gun. He talks about it constantly, begging for it, but I feel torn about buying him a toy gun. I don’t want to disappoint him on his birthday, though. Help!
– Conflicted

Dear Conflicted, one of the most important things we can do as parents is learn to recognize and get comfortable with the feeling of tension you describe in your question. Because you’re a human and your son is his own person, too, you’ll feel this tension over and over again as he grows. Right now he’s asking for a nerf gun, and in the years to come he’ll want and ask for many other things you won’t be sure about and perhaps haven’t even considered. So when what he wants pulls you in a direction you’re not comfortable with, resist rushing to a decision. Instead, notice the pulling and get curious about it. Get still and listen to what the tension wants to show you. The discomfort is an invitation to learn more about your child and yourself, and it can to lead you somewhere important.

Your first task is to get inside your little one’s mind. What does he picture happening if your answer is yes and he gets the gun? And where is his ask coming from? Do other friends or kids he sees have nerf guns? Does he simply want to join in the play? Has he been captivated by cool commercials or flashy store displays? Think through whether the toy is something he truly wants or something that is being sold to him. It’s an important distinction.

Your second task is to get inside your own mind. What are you afraid might happen if you say yes? Be honest and specific about your fears. Are you worried that giving your son a nerf gun will encourage him to be violent? Do you have a history or experiences that would make pretend gun play in your home uncomfortable for you? Are you fearful about what other parents will think of you if they see your child with a play weapon? Are you scared or sad to give up the dream of the child you pictured raising, the one who was occupied for hours with homemade toys and wooden blocks? (Been there.) Say your fears out loud and listen to how they sound. Some will ring true, and some may lose their power when you examine them in the light.

If your child’s ask seems authentic and persists over time, but some of your fears also remain, reach out to others for help. There is wisdom in the village. Talk to other parents to find out what decisions they’ve made about this same issue. Have they shared your fears? And if so, what boundaries or rules did they set up around play guns that helped to ease some of their concerns?

We want our “yeses” to be wholehearted, because our children have a hard time separating our attitudes towards the things we let them have and do and our attitudes towards them. So if your fears are specific and lingering after you’ve examined them, talk to your son before you make your final decision. Using simple language, try to figure out if he is mature enough to accept the boundaries you’ll need to set around the toy. If it seems like your rules will be too difficult for him, then it may be time to wait. We set our relationships up for shame, resentment and future conflict if saying yes in the moment will lead to power struggles down the road.

Finally, remember that any answer of yes, no, or maybe-but-not-yet is not the end of the world. Generations of children have survived not getting what they wanted for their birthdays, just as generations of parents have grown by supporting their children in interests that didn’t match their own. Whatever you decide, you’ll both get through this decision. Letting the tension push you to wonder about your son and his world in new ways may teach you important things about yourself, too.

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You can connect more with the Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook. If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

Have some thoughts and insights about toy guns? I’d love to hear them! Or, if you have a parenting question you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle here in the coming weeks, please share in the comments!

Hair Diaries: From Brunette to Ice Blond

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I was in my teens when I tried my first hair color after I convinced my mom that it wasn’t really dye and would only “accentuate my current color and make it shiny.” When I tried it, I was hooked. The transformation was barely recognizable, but the idea that I could change my look so easily delighted my creative heart. In the past thirty years, I’ve tried every hair color in the book including some notable surprises including Shit! Why is it Green?! and It’s Supposed to Be Blond But It’s Orange, both results of bathroom do-it-yourself jobs. But, like rearranging furniture or painting a room a new color, I’ve always loved the inspiration and gratification found in working with what I already have to create a new look. Reasons for switching hair color and styles have included but are not limited to:

  • I’m bored.
  • I failed miserably at something and need a new start.
  • I’m grieving a loss and don’t know how to handle it. (I did a drastic hair color change after a miscarriage.)
  • I saw a picture of Charlize Theron in a magazine, and I have to have her look–like, today.
  • I bought a dress I’m so in love with, and dark hair would compliment it better.
  • Fall is coming.
  • Summer’s coming.
  • I feel creatively stuck.
  • I feel creatively inspired.
  • I feel frumpy.
  • I feel beautiful.
  • I saw a picture of myself, and I don’t like the way my hair looks.
  • I’m getting too many grays.

Reasons have ranged from insignificant fun to Maybe you should talk to a therapist about that. Either way, changing hair color has been a harmless form of creative exploration, and Redken has been a constant friend to me through the years. That said, after a signature brunette-and-bangs look that carried me through my early parenting years, I went blond last year–right before my 40th birthday. I wasn’t sure how long it would last, but I LOVE it. Like really love it. Yes, it’s a lot of upkeep, but it definitely masks grays much better, and there are some other perks I didn’t expect–one being that it dries my normally oily hair just enough that I can skip washing it a day and play around with dry shampoo looks (I could never do that as a brunette–always looked like I laid in butter overnight).

So many people have messaged, asking about what products I use to keep it blond, so I thought I’d give a Going Blond 411.

First order of business: TRUST YOUR STYLIST. Because I’m impulsive, of course when I decided to be blond, I wanted platinum-in-a-day. I even told my stylist that I know people have done it because I’ve seen it. Still, she refused (she’s also a friend who tells me like it is). She said for the kind of blond I wanted and to keep my hair healthy, it would take a while to get there. She also said if your stylist says you can go from brunette to super blond in a day, you need to can your stylist. In the middle of the gradual process, I once decided I wanted to go back brunette and she refused to do that too–ha! Because she knows me. “You’ve worked too long to get here, we’re not ruining your dedication in a day because you’re pulling one of your “I need change” cards.” I need a stylist who keeps me in line.

Here’s a little look back on the hair diaries over the years:

And finally, I got my ice blond! And without having stretchy, damaged hair.

 

I didn’t want a yellow blond, so we use an ash-based color. My stylist said it’s ALL ABOUT THE TONER! She puts a toner on after she highlights it. The toner gradually fades (making the hair a little blonder each week after processing), but it keeps it from looking brassy. The opposite of yellow is violet, so the if any hair is yellow, it will be beige after toner and white hair after bleached will be more violet after toner.

I also swear by violet shampoo and conditioner to keep the blond from getting too yellowy. I’ve got my entire hair routine down to 5 products:

  1. Clairol Shimmer Lights Shampoo & Conditioner – It’s suggested to use this three times a week in between regular shampoo, but I use it more like 5 days because I like the look of a blue-based blond.
  2. Shu Uemura Ultimate Reset Restoration Serum– I smooth a couple pumps of this into wet hair to protect it from drying out.
  3. Oribe Dry Texturizing Spray  – Cult favorite–this stuff is AMAZING. But pricey. I spray a little at the roots once my hair is dry to give my hair some lift and to help achieve that messy-on-purpose look. If I’m feeling guilty about the splurge, I’ll take Oribe breaks with Batiste dry shampoo, but it’s not the same.
  4. Conair 1.25 in. Curling Iron – No fancy curling iron–this one is super inexpensive.
  5. Shu Uemura Shape Paste – This is the magic ingredient. I imagine Meg Ryan used it in You’ve Got Mail because that adorable texturized perfectly-out-of-place look is exactly what it does. When my shape paste starts running out, I get hives.

I’ve never been so committed to a hair routine and style, but I’m really loving it. The true test of staying blond for me comes in the fall when the mood shifts to cozy fireside warmth and dark rich tones.

Art in the Park

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This post is sponsored by Stonyfield.

At the end of the school year, we scramble–hustling to make it through and checking off the last of school responsibilities that seem to pile up all at once. I find myself waiting for the end to come, knowing celebratory relief is near; but I’ve forgotten a bit that any day is good for celebration, and I don’t have to wait for it to come.

This week, we created our own celebratory relief with an after school “Art in the Park.” I picked up Nella and Dash from school with the surprise announcement that we were headed straight to the park to make art and eat snacks, and you would have thought I had told them we were going to a theme park. Spontaneous adventures are their favorite. So are snacks.

Here’s what I packed for our little adventure:

A picnic basket with:

– Fresh cherries (I love how they their arrival to our grocery stores promises “Summer’s Coming!”)
– Stonyfield yogurt pouches – My kids love them, and I love that they are certified organic, made without toxic persistent pesticides or GMO’s. We always have Stonyfield yogurt pouches in our refrigerator–so easy to grab and go.
– Stonyfield snack packs (includes dipping pretzels and crackers when they’re hungry for a little more–which they always are after school)
– 2 clipboards (for a writing surface)
– a stack of white drawing paper
– watercolor paint palette
– paintbrushes
– a drawing/activity book
– a cup (to hold water for our paintbrushes)
– a bottle of water (to pour in the cup for watercolor paints and extra to drink)
– a blanket to sit on

There’s something about making art out in nature that’s extra special–the new perspective stretches your creativity a bit more.

…and the kids knew it was special. “Can we do this again?” Dash asked.

Completed masterpieces. We have been encouraging the kids to compliment each other’s work and pick out one thing they like about the other one’s work. Dash liked that Nella used a lot of different kinds of blue. Nella liked Dash’s “rainbow and big sun.”

When the kids were babies, I used to take a blanket outside in our side yard all the time–with a pile of books, snacks, toys. It’s such a special way to relax with the kids and an instant mood boost. We’ll be repeating Art in the Park more this summer–preferably up in Michigan where it’s not quite as hot and humid in the summer.