just a small infusion of happiness. pure happiness…because every blog needs a little from time to time. and although our day-to-day life is a little bit prickly right now, there’s nothing that makes me happier than lists of happy things. and i’m not going to number it this time. in fact, maybe never again. because my brain is not the numerical type. no, if this wasn’t set type, this so-called list would be painted and colored penciled in with no rhyme or reason…curling around a stained and torn page with no definition whatsoever. and then i’d lose it somewhere at the bottom of my purse where stubby capless tubes of lipstick and broken pens would eat it alive.

{a list of happies}

*baby bath toes

because i don’t think i could ever reach my fill of baby toes and the way they curl just so. and, really, how delicious is an unexpected little toe emerging from an otherwise tranquil sea of bubbles?

*her little cupped hands curled under her chin. it’s new…another little thing that slowly closes the window between toddler and girl. but nevertheless…it’s beautiful.

*imperfection. i think it’s finding this amazing comfort of arriving in my thirties…but it’s not even that i don’t care anymore. it’s that i love the imperfections and find them beautiful and full of character and the things we remember about people. i like the pictures that don’t always turn out like you want…

i like the little bump i discovered on my nose about six months ago or the constant attempt at full eyebrows i will make while humbly accepting the sweet little hairs of my thin ones…

i like all the lines that come with laughter and happiness and having lived.

i like the pang of guilt that comes with sometimes doing what isn’t right…and the calm of relief and self-forgiveness and learning from our mistakes that comes later…like when i spooned her little jammied body in bed tonight while she fell asleep and whispered in her ear that i was sorry for getting frustrated with her tonight…and that i know she’s only two and is trying so hard…and that sometimes mamas make mistakes…but that i love her so. i don’t know if i did it for her or for me…but it felt so good.

*i love that no matter how tired i am, i am always happy to enjoy a mama/baby pedi. today, i polished hers and she polished mine…and while mine look a bit barbaric, i will proudly flaunt her little handiwork.

*i love the repeated picture i’ve managed to shoot over two years…of her pixie little face looking down with this lucky mess of lashes.

*i love my crazy food cravings. the latest week’s menu consisting of crushed pineapple on ice, raw oatmeal with milk and brown sugar, fresh sqeezed grapefruit juice, canned green beans… and skim milk that’s been transferred from the fridge to the freezer for at least fifteen minutes before consumption. seriously.

*laughing at myself when i go to check the mail and only pull out the stuff i like and shove the rest back in for someone else to find.

*looking forward to something. living in the moment, yes…but i am forever shamelessly guilty of happy little plannings for the next season…the next holiday…and already smiling at visions of halloween and little costumes…fall entertaining…christmasy evenings…and this big growing belly i can’t wait to see.

*just her. and how she’s bloomed into this bigger, brighter more beautiful flower these past few weeks. my favorites: she puts her laundry away. given a pile of underwear in one hand and a stack of pajamas in the other and a little direction (“that hand goes in your unders drawer…and all that goes in your jammy drawer…okay?”), i watch as she carefully sorts the information and marches to her room where she pulls out the respective drawers, smooths the stacks of clothes right where they belong and shuts the drawer with a smile.
and then she says “oh.” now. like, she’ll ask, “where’s gaga?” and i say, “at work.” and she just goes…”oh.” and she does it a trillion times a day…and it makes me smile every time.

she’s craving so much knowledge right now and it’s so satisfying to fill all these nooks in her brain…to quench her thirst for information. and people wonder why i don’t miss teaching.

*and i guess i’m also loving cold clean sheets at night, the perfect refreshing temp of our pool right now, answering the phone to hear my sister already laughing and unable to get her story out, anticipating the arrival of the swiss cotton nightgowns my mama’s making for lainey, my camera, red shoes, finally feeling brett climb into bed next to me long after this tired mama’s gone to bed, letting candles burn all day, pulling out the newborn diaper i have on my nightstand and staring at it.

it feels good to not complain about being sick. and while i shan’t promise another giveaway lest i have one more thing to do right now…i shall invite my favorite responses.

yes, if you shall…do tell what little things you love about life right now.
because there’s so much to love.

…enjoying the small things. ~k

it’s 5:09 a.m.

i’ve spent the last 45 minutes thrashing and readjusting my pillow only to accept the realization that the return to blessed sleep is not going to happen.

i focused on the whirrrr of the sound machine, sipped the watered-down ginger tea on my nightstand, shifted the balled-up wad of down comforter wedged uncomfortably beneath my neck and finally opened my eyes enough to see that the green glow of 4:45 a.m. beaming from the alarm clock illuminated the sleeping little next to me just enough to see her envious span of thick, curled lashes and the way her lips purse all newbornish when she sleeps.

i reached over and held her hand as her fingers closed instinctively around mine.

and then i closed my eyes and attempted one last time to slip into dreamland…even gave myself a headstart with my dream of choice–the visualization of this same scene fast-forwarded a bit with the addition of a bassinet snuggled up next to my side of the bed and one more tiny face to be illuminated by the green glow of mid-night numbers. and although that dreamy image didn’t put me to sleep, it did rather awaken me enough to realize, amid all this sickness and exhaustion, we are just so entirely blessed.

friday was a good day.

i actually shed the thread-bare fibers of my 3-day grapefruit-stained yoga pants and wore jeans.

curled my hair. smeared some lipstick. left the house.

did a newborn photo shoot where the breathy cries and burrito-wrapped bundle of this little guy had me completely inspired to feel all this again…

and then i totally gung-ho’d on my feel-good stretch and went nuts thinking of all i could do…finish some edits, clean, build a fort for lainey, swim, paint, make dinner. i stopped when my enthusiam suggested party-planning and cartwheels and the sensible part of me settled for making spaghetti where austyn obliged to cook the sausage first so i wouldn’t have to look at it. (and let me tell you, typing the word “sausage” is hard enough. like when brett said “hot dog” in the car the other day, and our marriage near shattered.)

the boys have been fantastic. a neighbor lady hired brandyn to water her garden while she vacations and, bless his heart, the other day he proudly came home with a cluster of herb leaves he robbed her of (against my knowledge…and, well hers too, i’m sure) in the hopes that the concoction would help my nausea.

not sure if basil leaves help nausea, but it definitely gave a delightful kick to my spaghetti sauce. thank you poor neighbor lady.

and right when friday was manifesting itself as my favorite day this week, i got a call from this inspiring friend where we gushed about womanhood and motherhood and all these shared feelings we girls are blessed to own.
(oh, and please read her last post…it is so my life right now and she articulates it flawlessly).

and i guess i don’t write all this to find pity (but, oh how the support is beautiful. i am touched by every e-mail, every text, every phone call, every client who tells me not to rush on their pictures because they heard i’m not feeling well. every mama who shares tips like ginger tea and peppermint oil and just the comfort that it’s okay and good and beautiful all the same.) i write because it is part of this incredible life-making journey, and while not every woman is “blessed” to feel sick, it’s a journey i feel accomplished with in the end. and it’s really not so bad. there’s trade-offs.

like i gave up my real coffee, but my little makes me her fake version every morning and seriously, is it just delicious.

(notice the unders…i found seven pairs layered on her the other day. she has lots of favorites and likes to wear them all at once.)

oh, and then there’s the fact that my junky lounge clothes are finally finding uses again. and i’m saving on gas. and cherishing these cozy afternoon naps with her.

and discovering all these natural feel-good remedies. like i never knew how fast a headache goes away when you rig up your chair back massager on the bed, lay flat on it, arch your back, position your head just so, and shiatsu the heck out of your scalp. a sight none is meant to see, of course, but hey, it works.

so does sitting in the shower and smearing noxzema everywhere so steamy fumes trance me out. i’ve tried anything anyone’s suggested, and it’s crazy how much better i feel. i actually took a hunk of grapefruit peel to a birthday party the other night and, albeit looking strange, sniffed it every time i got a whiff of stomach-swaying appetizer fumes. (steph, if you find a dried up rotting rind in your house, it was me…i think i left it on a table somewhere).

so there. i’m fine. life is beautiful and good and funny at times.

and there’s the hope of growing out of all this and yes, planning parties and doing cartwheels.
speaking of growth, the little grew a whole inch in three months!

i love her crazy much these days, as if that distinguishes it from any other day, but she’s wise beyond her years and i think she gets everything that’s going on, i really do. when i throw up, she stands next to me in the bathroom with her hand on my shoulder and when i tell her it’s okay, mama’s tummy is sick, she runs and gets her puppy, her heal-all for all boo-boos, and rubs its treasured nappy left ear on my belly and says…little baby.

see…now i would’ve missed a moment like that if i wasn’t so sick.

oh, the glass is not half-empty. it’s so very half-full.

drink up, my friends. ~k

oh, and i almost forgot. happy first birthday, little skye-bear. may your precious little life be just as beautiful as you are.