Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

Supporting Kids Through Lockdown Drills

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Good Morning, Internet Friends!

If you are like me, you have your friends categorized into a mental Roladex (can we even still use that word or is it archaically unrelatable now?) of people you call when particular situations arise. The following are some of my situations:

  • There’s a butter grease stain on my favorite white pants. Call Dede.
  • I butchered my bangs again in a late night wine-induced “I think I am a hairstylist” session. Call Crystal.
  • Something major embarrassing just happened in a crowd of people, and I need someone to tell me something even more embarrassing just happened to them. Call Heidi.
  • I’m pretty sure there’s a major school event coming up that requires some preparation, but I lost the paper that came home telling me about it. Call Lindsey.
  • There’s a parenting situation happening that involves a lot of feelings, I don’t know how to handle it, and I need some solid helpful advice. Call Amy.

That last one–my friend Amy? She’s a writer (check out her latest piece on USA Today), mother and advocate who listens to all my questions and stories with such warmth, acceptance and relatability. Together with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, Amy makes an incredible source of wisdom and advice to support parents and friends. I’ve been lucky to hold Amy as my own secret powerful resource for years, only wishing I could package up her warmth and advice and share it with the world. And now that’s happening because Amy and Jeffrey have their first book publishing next year, a book filled with stories that explore six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet. All I can say is lucky world. And lucky us because, for the next six weeks, I’ll be sharing my friend Amy with you in a post each week discussing some of the big parenting questions we all share.

You can connect more with Amy and Jeffrey on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook.

As the school year comes to a close, so does a lot of our anxiety about school issues. But for many who are preparing to send new students to school next year, this is when anxiety sets in. We’ve seen too many stories of school shootings on the news this year, and sadly, it’s a different era where security and safety for potential threats is part of everyday protocol for even the littlest of students. I’ll never forget last year, Dash’s first year of kindergarten, where shifts in security rules and district precautions following the Parkland shooting gave the beginning of the year a certain heaviness. No more walking our kids to their classrooms. The thought of lockdown drills for kids barely big enough to hold the weight of their backpacks felt so overwhelming, and I completely understand these feelings weighing heavy over the summer.

Cue “Call Amy.”  I’m honored to have Amy answering this question this week and more on the heavy issues of parenting in the coming weeks.

My daughter is going into kindergarten next year and will have to take part in the school’s lockdown drills. She’s a really anxious kid, and I’m worried that the drills will terrify her. Also, the thought of having to prepare her for school shootings makes me feel overwhelmed, teary, and a little furious. What can I do to manage my own emotions and make the experience less scary for her, too?

— Anxious Mom

Oh, Anxious Mom. We’re so sorry. If it helps, your question makes us sad and a little furious, too. And the situation you’re describing is familiar to so many parents right now. While statistically rare, the reality of school gun violence in the US is real. And school systems are on the front lines, trying to prepare kids for emergencies while balancing the mental health and wellbeing of their students.

We would start by reaching out to your daughter’s school to tell them about her anxiety and ask for help. Her teacher may be able to tell you more about the drills and share tips about how to prepare her. As you reach out, remember that the school is trying to navigate a difficult situation as best they can. Try to listen to what they share with an open heart. Our two older boys were in first and fourth grade during Sandy Hook, and in the days following the tragedy we connected and mourned with their teachers, listening as they shared their own fear and heartbreak. Especially in times of stress, we cannot forget how much we need each other.

The drills may be less scary for your daughter if you prepare her for them ahead of time. You could begin by asking if she has ever had to cover or hide in a classroom for pretend, or if she knows why she might have to do this. If she does not know and doesn’t use words like, “a bad person might shoot me,” consider carefully before giving her that information. It’s heavy knowledge to carry, and when she’s very little, not knowing is likely a gift. A simple statement like, “It’s important to learn how to be safe” may be enough. Tell her that sometimes at school she’s going to practice being safe, and when she’s practicing, she should listen quietly and follow her teacher’s instructions.

You can also equip her to face frightening situations by giving her some words and actions to remember when she’s scared. We’ve taught our youngest that once he’s in a quiet place, he can cross his arms in front of his body and grab onto his shoulders to hug tight, feeling the squeeze. We tell him that God is like a mommy or a daddy, with arms of love stretching out to hold him. Even when we’re not there, God’s love is always pressing in all around him, just like that hug.

You could tell your daughter that your love for her stretches out wide from your arms to reach her wherever she is, even when you’re apart. Have her touch her head, her feet, her arms, her belly. As she does, place your hands over hers and tell her that she is covered and surrounded by love, all the time. If she is ever scared or feeling alone, she can wrap her arms around herself and squeeze tight to remember that love is right there with her. Love will never, ever leave her on her own. And that love is all around her teacher, her friends, and you, too. Love will hold all of you together until you’re
close again.

For some kids, the physical sensation they get from wrapping their arms around themselves in a squeeze can provide sensory stimulation and relief when they’re scared. The Butterfly Hug is a particularly therapeutic hug method to teach. Also, giving your daughter something to set her mind on in times of fear (I am not alone, Love is here with me) is a better strategy than telling her not to be scared, because brain science tells us that the more we tell ourselves not to think about something, the more we get stuck in that very place.

About 95% of schools in the US participate in lockdown drills, and research shows that lockdown drills can be effective, especially when they are done calmly and without a named threat. Realistic active shooter drills, or drills that act out a response to an attacker on school grounds, are a particular sort of lockdown drill. As we researched your question, we could not find evidence that realistic active shooter drills make our children safer. But there is good evidence to suggest that they can cause psychological harm.

We’ve found action to be an antidote to fear and a channel for fury. For the sake of your daughter and the other children who will be subject to the drills, find out more about the type of drills your school is planning, and consider requesting that all drills follow these guidelines from the National Association of School Psychologists and the National Association of School Resource Officers. Among other recommendations, they state that participation in active shooters drills should be optional and require parental consent.

Being scared and learning to manage fear is a healthy part of child development, and your daughter is going to have to experience scary things in her childhood. But our children need us to try to protect them from overtly terrifying experiences. If your daughter has an anxiety disorder or a history with gun violence, and your school has moved beyond lockdowns to more realistic active shooter exercises, consider keeping her home on the day of the drill. She will still need to learn to stay quiet and follow her teacher if there is an emergency at school, but for kids in these situations, participation can be traumatizing.

Finally, fear and fury can move us to action, but they can also steal joy. Allow yourself to enter into beautiful moments with your daughter wholeheartedly. Tell her to ask for a hug anytime she needs one, and offer them freely. When you’re snuggling her close, remind her that love will always, forever hold you together — no matter what.

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If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

Nella and Dash Now: The Changing Roles of Siblings in Special Needs Relationships

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On Dash’s first day of preschool four years ago, Nella led the way. She buckled his seat belt, tucked his lunch box in his tote bag and guided him to his classroom, kitty-corner from hers. He was the freshman, she was the senior, and she took great pride in knowing the ropes. He needed her, and she loved that he needed her.

For six years, we’ve coasted in this wonderland of perfect sibling roles–of Knowing Older Sister leads Learning Younger Brother and everything good that comes with it. Dash likes to be the knowing one and has no problem trying to take boss status from Lainey, but Nella? He lets her lead.

This year, Nella again led Dash into his new school, into the same kindergarten classroom where she once had a seat sack with her name on it. She’s known every rhyme in the poetry notebook he’s brought home every Friday because she learned the same ones, and she’s quizzed him on sight words from the same chart she learned from.

But now that we are rounding the end of the year, it’s different. At some point this year, things began to shift as he sped through lessons and quickly mastered skills that she is still grasping. He’s a full-blown reader now and doesn’t need her help. He corrects her when she doesn’t pronounce a word right and jumps to finish a sentence she’s reading if it’s taking her longer than “Dash Time” which, frankly, isn’t a fair standard for anyone. Dash sees Nella as nothing more than his sister and playmate and, as every good brother should do, pushes her, believes in her and calls her out when she’s not performing to the level of his expectations for her. We love that and think it’s good for Nella, but there are holes in this method–like when he chastised her for her handwriting last week when they were comparing sentences they wrote together. “Nella, that’s so bad. Why do you write sloppy?” I saw her little pride bubble deflate a little as she quickly tucked her notebook away. From the rear view mirror on another day last week, I watched as Dash and Nella both pulled their art projects from their backpacks after they climbed in the back seat, so proud to show me; and I winced as Nella quickly pushed hers back into her bag once she saw Dash’s.

We’ve never minded the patient approach to supporting her beautiful slow and steady, deliberate path to academic learning; but we have admitted that the hardest thing about this path would be if she is discouraged in recognizing that it takes her a little longer or that her work looks a little different. For nine years, we’ve helped her build strong emotional muscles, stacked her with confidence, praised her uniqueness, cushioned the reality of “It takes you longer, and that’s okay!” with so many spoken examples of our own slower pace or delayed mastery of a skill coupled with great acceptance of ourselves: “Mommy takes a long time to read a book, and that’s okay–I don’t want to rush!” “Daddy has messy handwriting, but he keeps writing! It’s his trademark and he’s proud of it!” We subconsciously eat, sleep and breathe self acceptance and love for what makes us different in this home, hoping our kids–especially Nella–will absorb it by osmosis.

Nella has proven she can hold her own. It takes such grace and confidence to keep learning, keep reading, keep showing up in a classroom when you’re working on skills your peers have mastered long ago; but she does it, and she does it well. The one person’s compatibility that has meant the most to her though, is her brother’s; and as he surpasses her in math and reading skills, I’ll be honest in admitting that it’s sad to see their roles shift.

Here’s what I know though: We are good at creatively embracing a parenting challenge. We’ve been so fortunate to coast through the past couple of years without any major challenges with Nella. We got this! The other night, Brett and I talked about some of the things we are noticing lately, and I love how quickly our conversation shifted from “that’s sad” to “I have an idea!” We are naturally equipped with instincts to swoop in with solutions. Within ten minutes, we had a game plan for how we are going to support our family through these changes–how we can educate Dash to understand Nella’s needs more, how we can help Nella lean in to Dash’s growth and use it to her advantage, and how we can be better about identifying Nella’s unique strengths that her siblings don’t have and letting her shine in those moments. We are motivated and thankful for this nudge and are already noticing things getting better.

In a well-timed moment at the end of the week last week, right after Brett and I had talked about some of the changes we are noticing and how we basically wanted Nella to have some glorious moment of well-earned success recognized (you know–podium, trophy, cheering), we sat on our lanai at sunset, watching the kids play in the pool. I was snapping a few pictures, cautioning them to calm down a little because “someone’s going to lose an eye” when sure enough, Dash got hurt. His cries are a bat signal for Nella, and our superhero did what she does best–she ran to comfort. She is better at this than anyone. She is the senior, we are her freshmen. She scooped him right off his feet and held him like a baby, knowing he’d be weightless in the water.

He milked it, and she loved it, staying close to him and whispering things we couldn’t hear in his ear until he decided he had his fill of her love and attention. I asked him if he needed a Band-Aid, and he ignored me. He wanted her, not me.

She will always be his big sister and teach him the things she does better than anyone else. He doesn’t know yet how lucky he is to have a golden ticket into the course she’s teaching, but he will soon.

It’s been a rough weekend. Our sweet Latte is suddenly dwindling fast, and we may have to put her down. There have been so many tears the past few days. The other night, Nella climbed in bed with Lainey and patted her back as she cried. Over and over, she repeated, “I love you, Lainey.” She’s bringing so much light and compassion to this whole situation, and we all recognize how important her special gifts are.

Oh, and that art project she did? It’s perfect.

My Most Used Apps

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Happy Monday! In keeping with spring cleaning trends, I did a little cleanup on my phone this weekend, deleting and organizing photos and apps, and let me tell you–it was a job. I had gone way too long since the last cleanup which I won’t let happen again. Besides the thousands of photos and screenshots I had never transferred to my computer, I had pages of random apps scattered everywhere. I did a little Kon Mari on my app clutter and let most of them go (“No, weird car wash game I do not remember downloading, you do not bring me joy.”) and then structured my home screen into organized folders. There are several different ways to organize apps (I found this and this helpful), but I ended up arranging them into the following folders: Photography (anything photo and video related), Social Media, Shopping (Amazon, Target, Etsy, Shipt, etc.), Entertainment (Audible, Pandora, Netflix, fave podcasts, etc.), Wellness (running app, gym classes, meditation, etc.), Navigation (Waze, Uber, maps, my car app), Business (Dropbox, Google docs, my bank, etc.), Kids (anything kid related including games), and Food (Bite Squad, Uber Eats, etc.), and then I left mail, calendar and several other apps I haven’t quite figured out what to do with dangling. A little more work to do, but it’s so much better! I thought I’d use the opportunity to share some of my favorite apps though. Most of these are photo related, but I included a few kids ones we love as well.

A Color Story
I do most of my photo editing (when I’m not using Lightroom on my desktop) in Color Story and absolutely love the way it’s organized and what it has to offer. There are numerous filler packs (and frequently added new ones) you can buy which are really great, but the regular adjustment tools are just as good. You can also add fun effects like sun flares, bokeh, texture (to give photos a vintage look with grain) and twinkle lights.

Word Swag
Word Swag is a fun way to create photos for Instagram stories with text options beyond the few that Instagram offers. You can capture more editorial looking frames with magazine-like captions and titles.

8mm
Every time I share an 8mm video, I get asked what app I used. It’s a retro film camera that captures old-timey video footage with that grainy, flickery look that conjures all the nostalgic feels. It’s great if you’re adding music to create vacation video montages that you want to sob watching someday.

Kira Kira
I don’t use this one a lot, but it’s really fun for certain occasions. Kira Kira records both regular photos or video with a twinkle effect around anything that would naturally sparkle–glass, metal, diamonds, etc. Posting a photo of jewelry, Christmas lights, champagne glasses lined up at your brunch? You definitely want to use Kira Kira.

Insight Timer
The best meditation app! There are literally thousands of insights and mediations to choose from from guided meditations to help you fall asleep to short morning affirmations to get your day started. And it’s free! There’s also chants, music and lectures from renowned spiritual leaders all over the world.

Nike Run Club
I used Nike Run Club for all my runs. It tracks miles and courses, times and saves your runs, syncs your funs to Spotify or whatever playlist you choose and also offers guided runs, coaches, support and connection with other runners. I love the celebrity voices that pipe in to cheer you on as you run.

Kids

Our Pact and Zift
We have loved the OurPact parental control app, but last year Apple changed some policy that made geofencing, location tracking and time allowances only available on Android devices for this app, so we are switching to Zift for managing Lainey’s phone (super bummed because I LOVE the setup of OurPact. However, OurPact can still manage or block any iOS app. These apps are NECESSARY for responsible phone use for kids. You can set up screen usage times and even usage for particular apps so that they shut down when time is reached (you don’t have to be the bad guy!). They also link your phone to your kid’s phone so you can manage apps, usage and see where they are.

Endless Reader
We’ve been using Endless Alphabet and Endless Reader since Nella was a toddler, and they are still so great for word recognition and learning to read. I swear Nella learned all her letters early from this app as well as what sounds they make.

Toca Boca
It works for all three of my kids and great for those in-a-pinch times when we’re stuck waiting for something in some boring place or the kids are losing it. All the Toca Boca apps are open-ended play games, and I find myself even being delightfully entertained by them.

Did I miss a life-changing app? Do share!