I don’t even know where to begin.
And so I sit here, just staring at the screen, wanting so badly to be able to take this storm of feelings and find words that are worthy.

For starters, we’ll use Bryan Adams’. Because they were playing the moment my hands reached out and grasped her tiny little self…the moment I pulled her close and kissed her head.

When you love someone, you’ll do anything.
You’ll do all the crazy things that you can’t explain.
You’ll shoot the moon. Put out the sun. When you love someone.

The celebration of her birth was a bit like her birth day–planned and prepped with anticipation of perfection. And, a bit like her birth day, the unexpected came–cold winds and languid skies. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to go but, turns out, it really was.

And while the house wasn’t ready for an indoor party, everyone came together and made it work. We passed out sweatshirts and blankets, lit a fire, cleared tables, and watched as huddles of bodies joined inside, outside, wherever…and it didn’t matter. We had our village and our family. And that’s all I ever need.

The rest is…well, cake.

Pinwheels: Elizabeth St.
Cake: My talented friend, Amy

Our girl had a party. And it was just as it should be.

Going to pick up our balloons was perhaps the funniest experience ever. We stuffed and pushed and crammed for fifteen minutes to make them fit, and my friend Nadya ended up having to lie on the floor underneath them to make it home.

Thank you, Gary, who spent three hours creating that arbor. And Nana Kate gave us the giant high chairs which were discarded Baby Gap display props. If you give a girl a giant highchair, whatever is a girl to do?

Nella and Lainey’s birthday outfits from Dream Spun Kids on Etsy

Lemonade on Ice

Marshmallows dipped in blue candy melts

Hair Blooms, gifts of our new sponsor, Little Lesiw.

Nella and her therapist, Jonah.

My favorite moments?

Meeting Libby and Sara.

Libby was a blog reader who e-mailed me a crazy idea a couple months ago and, long story short, she, her sister-in-law and their families flew down to be part of our weekend. And they belonged here.

Libby has her own story. She began a new journey this year as well–a different journey–but one that, like ours, took some time to accept and some courage to overcome. Libby is undergoing chemo for lymphoma and raising her precious little girl, Ava, at the same time. And I have to say, I am so inspired by her story, her love and the opportunity of spending the weekend with this amazing mama.

Thank you to my new friends for being here.

For those of you who have done this, you know what that first birthday means. It’s a medal of honor, a celebration, a flag at the peak of a summited mountain. It is a memory of that very day, and it is bittersweet. Mostly sweet, hardly bitter, but even so…at 4:24 p.m., the very second she was born, I held her close and cried. Because I can’t forget–don’t want to forget–that second that changed my life.

Overall, I searched for moments of meaning and found them. I mined my heart for any rawness, any unsettled grief, and prepared to feel a bit sad, but mostly? Mostly, I felt peace and love and contentment. The events of last year have been sewn together seamlessly with our present, and I hardly recognize anymore where the past shifts into right now.

My favorite photo of the day, my sister bears.

Happy Birthday to our beautiful, magical, much-loved girl.

Saturday evening was an unforgettable celebration of growth and strength and the very capable women in my life. It deserves a second post, so more to come.

There is more I’d like to say, but I am so emotionally drained. This week, I will revisit the room where she was born. I will return to the sacred ground of the place that began my journey and make a toast to the beautiful pain of that room. I will let it go and, at the same time, I will save a small piece. Because I want to remember.

Thank you for all your kind wishes here in this space, in my e-mail, on Facebook, in your thoughts. There has been so much love this year, and I am better for it.

I am thrilled to announce that the total online and offline total of Nella’s ONEder Fund surpassed our $15,000 goal. It surpassed our $47,000 goal and our $63,000 goal. I’m excited to report that you all have helped us wish our girl a happy birthday and spread love to thousands of families. Friends, together we raised $101,144.

…and it’s still growing. (Thank you to Dana Wainstein who spun off her own fundraiser to help Nella in honor of her son, Jake, and raised over $6,500). Thank you to every one of you for giving and for sharing. I never dreamed it could happen like this. But, then again, I never dreamed a year ago that a little moment could change my life so wonderfully.

I keep coming back to this quote today. A dear friend (thank you, Kleidy) shared it with me after Nella was born, and today, it means so very much.

Awareness born of love is the only force that can bring healing and renewal. Out of our love for another person, we become more willing to let our old identities wither and fall away, and enter a dark night of the soul, so that we may stand naked once more in the presence of the great mystery that lies at the core of our being. This is how love ripens us -by warming us from within, inspiring us to break out of our shell, and lighting our way through the dark passage to new birth. ~John Welwood

Basking in new birth today. Two days into her second year, and it’s going to be good.
Feeling blessed and in love and grateful for every experience that continues to shape our family.

For those of you who liked the little blooms party favor, we’re happy to have Little Lesiw on as a new sponsor. I knew Rachel was sending me a box of goodies for her new sponsorship, but I had no idea how amazing that box would be. I got it the day before the party and gasped when I opened it to find it was filled with the most beautiful, well-crafted barette and headband blooms–enough for Lainey’s friends with lots to keep. Okay, I stole some for myself too. The fabric choices alone are worth a trip to her site for some happy browsing. Check her out. For one week starting now, 10% of all her sales are going to The ONEder Fund. In addition, you get 25% your entire purchase using code NELLA25 at check-out until the end of this month.

And a lucky random commenter on this birthday party post will receive a $100 gift certificate to her store. You’ll have no problem spending it, I assure you!

As my sister shared in her post a year ago, yes…it was a beautiful day.

One year ago, at this very moment, I was grasping for anything to tell me it was going to be okay.

One year ago, at this very second, I was trudging through the most defining moment of my life.

It is hard…right now…to think of where I was. It is hard to remember those moments.

But today?

Today was beautiful.

Today was healing and good and so very full circle.

My heart is full.

She is one.

One year ago, I entered a night with my friends where they kept me afloat when I thought I was drowning.

So tonight, we are celebrating. Every beautiful woman in my life. We are joining together to celebrate each other. Tonight will be beautiful.

So much more to come from today.

Thank you for celebrating with us.

It is a happy day.

To Be Continued….

I could go the complete sappy, I’m-gunna-cry route where I wax on about what yesterday really meant–that she’s three. That she’s taught me so much this past year. That three years actually seperates me from the moment her little self was placed in my outstretched arms and my old heart was replaced with a new one. But I won’t…because she’s not really three until Tuesday, and that gets its own post. But I will tell you about her party.

Parties are my thing. I thrive on planning them. Used to throw an annual Halloween bash that was hard core and rocked my world during the three months I planned for it. But I don’t throw many these days…except when it comes to celebrating the moment they entered my world. Because I can’t think of anything better to celebrate so big than a birthday. A Birth Day. The Birth of love and wonder and goodness like no other.

So, we go big. And after months of planning, when it’s all unleashed, I cry. I cry watching all the littles arrive…watching my girl’s big eyes and shy smile and realization that this is all to celebrate her life. Her day. I cry hearing music and laughter and mamas and kids and knowing that this day celebrates not only the joy she brings to us but the joy our friends bring to her.

With no further ado…a very fabulous Pink Garden Fairy Party for my love, my girl, my sprite, and her very sweet friends.

We ate in the woods. Had a glitter path (fairy dust, of course) leading the littles to a clearing among trees and pink tissue flowers, hanging fairies and pine cones and there, in the midst, sat a flowery table of pink just waiting for their smiles. Oh, I loved watching them arrive…finding their lunches, making their seat selections. And we mamas stood by aching from smiles taking it in…our sweet fairy littles.

My girlfriend, Rebecca, came down from Indianapolis to be with us this week and be a part of Lainey’s party, and she handmade all these little wooden fairies which hung from trees.

And all our girl fairies found tutus and hats pinned to a clothesline while our boys–or garden gnomes, as we called them–found Peter Pan hats.

And my girls? Oh, my girls. They made the sweetest pixies ever. And my heart was so happy seeing them together on our special day.

We painted fairy houses and hung them in the trees to dry. And I do believe, Lainey took every party guests’ painted house and painted over it again because I saw her at the painting station all of about a hundred times throughout the day and heard a couple kids at the end when they went to pick up their house say, “Hey, someone painted over my house.” I said nothing, of course.

And the fairy dust was a big hit too…

The yard was covered in pink fairy feathers because, of course, those silly fairies arrived in the night bringing lots of birthday wishes for our girl and her friends.

Lots of sweet fairy things to eat…

And the most beautiful fairy garden cake ever, made by my dear friend Amy whose cakes not only scream talent and beauty but even more so love because she only does this for friends and she spends hours making sure it’s perfect. When she walked in the door the other night with this beauty, my heart flipped and I wanted to cry because it was more than perfect. Thank you, sweet friend.

But mostly what I love about these parties? I love the littles. I love watching them take it all in. I love watching them interacting, sharing, loving. I love hearing them laugh and squeal and knowing that we will be doing this for a very long time–taking turns celebrating every year of each of these sweet spirits. I love the celebration and the fact that the feeling of birthday and love and gratitude is so real, you can almost touch it. It really is magic.

We are so blessed to know these little souls and honored to have them all a part of our lives. They make it all the sweeter.

The littles went home with pails of dirt and seeds to start their own fairy gardens and the mamas went home with some enchanted bubble bath…

And at the end of the day…it was so worth it. Every hour of work, every hot glue gun burn. It just felt so perfect, and my heart was overwhelmed with joy for my girl and the celebration of life. Last year, at Lainey’s party, I was pregnant with Nella and didn’t know it. And I thought about that yesterday. Thought about how our family was complete then but I didn’t even know. But now…after a long year and long stretches of growth and challenges, here we are celebrating life again and we are so complete. I felt…happy.

My girl is turning three…

…and what joy this past year has brought.

And so we celebrated. With my girl and her really fabulous party.
Happy Birthday, you beautiful, lively little sprite.

And more to come this week from my first real night out in over a year and from the day my sweet girl turns three.

Celebrating life…and celebrating it as big and beautiful as we can.