Dear Lainey,

It was just three years ago. The most joyous moment of my life, and I remember it like it was yesterday.
I wonder sometimes what heaven is like. And I think that perhaps, if it is really as wonderful as we hope it is that someday, when I leave this earth, I will enter that moment of your birth again. Because it is the sweetest heaven I could ever taste and I could relive every moment of it infinitely–the way you smelled, the sound of your cry, the way your skin felt against mine and the way my heart at that moment was set to beat with yours. I yearned for you my entire life and in that moment–that precious moment–the planets aligned and the world was very, very good indeed.

Lainey, there is no way I can ever tell you how much I love you. How much my heart aches and stretches and smiles with watching you grow. But I will show you. I will show you every beautiful day of your life that I indeed was made to love you.

Three.

Three years of nights with your warm little body pressed into my back as you breathe deeply and dream.

Three.

Three years of laughter–your blonde head tipped back and your sunny spirit released with that smile.

Each year, each day, each moment, you bloom more beautifully, drawing me in, teaching me more.

And Baby, I’ll never forget this year. This year when I needed you so badly. This year when your presence comforted and guided me through difficult days. This year when you taught me how to love.

You don’t know what you’ve done for me yet but someday, I will tell you about the day I watched you become a big sister and how you accepted her, loved her, embraced her even before me.

I hurt because I thought I failed you this year. I thought I failed to give you something I wanted you to have but I know now I gave you just what we all needed. And your joy with this gift–this life we all love so much–well, your joy reminds me every day just how beautiful your little sister is. You set the pace, Babe. You blaze the trail of love, and how easy it is to follow you.

I will never ever forget this third year of your life. How through most of it, you held my hand. You brought me tissue and towels in the bathroom when I had morning sickness. How you rubbed my growing belly with your puppy blanket. How you felt her kick and counted down the days with me for her arrival.

It was such a special year, Lainey, because you are a special girl.
You are my compassionate one, my spirited one, my independent one who likes to find her own way. You are witty and silly, caring and kind. You are my sunny little willow and every dream I ever had my entire life about the little girl I wanted someday just can’t compare with the greatness you turned out to be.

Watching you grow is an art. An art I am master of and I will forever study the wonder that is you.

God gave me two beautiful, amazing girls and you, my first born…why, I know you were hand picked for us, for Nella, for your brothers, for the world. For you are going to do great things, Little One.

Thank you for loving so good, so big, so pure.

I didn’t think I could ever love so deep.
You are Heaven, you little Three Year Old.

We love you so.
Happy Birthday, Cubby.

was…magical.

More to come.

Monday arrived like the day after a fabulous vacation ends. With a big fat decrescendo where my mood bottoms out and I’m shaking sand out of my beach bag and reorganizing sunblock bottles. It didn’t help that the only thing that could have topped Sunday’s Eutopian level was if unicorns galloped their way across the beach and the Northern Lights lit up the sky. But recovery is all part of the game, and I’m getting pretty good at it.

And so I bake. Because I always feel good when I tie on the old worn apron that my Jo’s beloved mama used to wear when she made her famous cakes. And I like the way I feel when I’m measuring and pouring and wiping sweat off my brow with a floured hand. I like that I can ferociously stir all my frustrations out into one little bowl or whisk away my stresses with a few quick rotations of my wrist. But mostly, I love that moments in my kitchen glue me to my girls, Nella slung close to my chest just above the apron and Lainey by my side, mimicking my every move. Like ‘dis Mama?

We made oatmeal cookies, undercooked just a little so they’re chewy and soft.

…and we finished one off, with milk before dinner.

As usual, I’m not ready for a party this weekend, so I will mad-dash in shake-down fashion for the rest of the week, throwing things into closets and staying up far too late hot-gluing flowers to various objects to fairy-tize them. We did manage to make some very easy fairy cone hats out of poster board with some elastic ties. Can’t wait to see them on cute fairy faces.

And while we procrastinate a little more, we are still enjoying delicious small things…

Afternoon nursing on Lainey’s bed where the sun magically trickles in the blinds and I half fall asleep relaxing to little breathy suck-suck sounds and tiny fingers grasping to find my skin. It’s quite heavenly as Brett managed to capture in these shots…and I love, love, love her one little eye that peeks up to find me. *whale-eye* as Cousin Emma calls it.

She loves her hands and when they’re not in her mouth or grasping at dangling toys, they are peacefully clasped out in front.

Lainey somehow overnight mastered a black belt in baby-holding because she suddenly knows how to do it just right. No flopping head or flailing arms–no screaming baby while the big sister strong arms her into headlock. Just peaceful sisters and one very proud smile that says she totally knows she finally rocked this out.

And I can put my money on always, always drawing out a magic smile in the middle of a deep sleep. I barely have to whisper just the beginnings of some sweet nothings and the tiny corners of that mouth are turnin’.

Her body has graduated from a form-fitting football hold to a heavier flour-sack that just melts into the crook of your arm. But don’t let her comfortable recline fool ya…she’s strong and fiesty and has been known to arch quick and determined where we’re grasping to keep her put. Mellow little bunny with a pinch of firecracker…I like it.

And poor little sprite had a fever last night and was all groggy and clinging to her puppy blanket, but we are happy to get it out of the way because we are going to celebrate big this weekend. And when we celebrate life, we celebrate life, baby.

And the winner of the bathing suit. Random.org drew #619.

MWD: beautiful day! me and my little will forgive any “fewchure” grammatical errors if you forgive all the times in the “fewchure” that we will come here for a read and then i turn the speakers on the computer and we spin around the office:) love the music selections as much as i love your blog!

MWD, e-mail me your contact info and pick out a suit on Popina. Let me know what size you want and we’ll get one sent out to you! Congratulations Girl, and go buy a lotto ticket ‘cuz you just won over 1482 comments.

Happy Wednesday!