Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

How I Changed my Mind about Dolls with Down Syndrome

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One of the great things about having a larger social media community is that people send you things they think you’ll like. It’s like having your own little army of personal shoppers, and there are numerous items in our home that were found simply because a sweet reader took the time to send me a link with “These rainbow tennis shoes have your name all over them!”

Because we have a child with Down syndrome, people also send articles and stories and news clips that pertain to special needs, and I love it. I feel informed and continually inspired by the constant stream of new stories people send my way about the great things people with Down syndrome are accomplishing, the breakthroughs in research that are being made to improve their lives and the new products, opportunities and advocacy that is happening within the special needs world. I’ve learned so much thanks to the links people send me, and if a story or product doesn’t resonate with me, it’s not a big deal–we move along.

Shortly after Nella was born, I wrote about the rite of passage all special needs families go through after delivering their babies–being e-mailed the Road to Holland poem 923,402 times by well meaning friends who don’t know how else to help (if you sent it to me, good for you–it’s a beautiful poem). I wrote how I felt about the poem which, at the time considering I was Stage 1 in acceptance, was “Don’t tell me I’m stuck in Holland–I’ll find a way to get to $#@*ing Italy with my daughter on my back, thank you very much.” I’ve softened since and, while I still firmly believe that having a child with special needs metaphorically makes you a dual citizen of both Holland and Italy and that you are not limited to just one, I recognize the intent of the poem and so appreciate the number of resources out there for families dealing with special needs in different ways. I’ve never been one to buy a chromosome slogan t-shirt, but we all take our corner in the advocacy ring, and we need all the bases covered. If wearing a t-shirt about Down syndrome is fitting for you, get on that base! I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’ve realized that just because I’m not into something doesn’t mean I have to be against it, and that we can change our minds about things whenever we want to. Which brings me to dolls with Down syndrome.

The first time someone sent me a link to a doll with Down syndrome, I clicked on it and frankly felt angry. It didn’t highlight the sweet facial characteristics we loved about Nella; it exaggerated them, making the doll an easy target for jokes. It was sold with the persuasion that your child with Down syndrome deserved a doll that looked just like her, but I thought all the sweet baby dolls in Nella’s room–the same ones Lainey played with–did look just like her. I found the suggestion that she needed a special doll, different from the ones her friends were playing with, offensive and exclusive; and I made a firm stance within that we do not believe in dolls with Down syndrome. I even turned down a generous sponsor opportunity with a large doll company releasing a doll with Down syndrome for Down Syndrome Awareness month, explaining to my media agent that the product was not a good fit for our family. When she e-mailed me back personally, commending me for turning the opportunity down if it didn’t feel right, she shared that she had a friend with a child with Down syndrome and would love to know more why it didn’t fit. I explained to her that the foundation of our special needs beliefs and advocacy was “more alike than different” and that marketing a different doll for kids with Down syndrome felt isolating and contrary to that.

Perhaps it’s the fact that we’re now almost nine years into this, and I don’t bristle as much at things (except, of course, things that we are required to bristle at–intolerance, injustice). Perhaps it’s the fact that we’ve had some years for doll manufacturers to perfect their art, thank the Lord. Or maybe it’s that as Nella grows, there are more obvious differences than there were when she was a chunky little cherub on my hip. As she recognizes those differences herself, I want to make sure we are celebrating them in a way that makes her so very proud to be exactly who she is. We can choose BOTH forms of advocacy: Down syndrome is just one little thing that makes Nella unique so we celebrate all the other ways she is like her peers AND Down syndrome is just one little thing that makes Nella unique so we celebrate the hell out of this amazing thing that makes her so very special.

So when an online friend, two weeks before Christmas, sent me a message that said “Did you see these?” with a link to a children’s shop in Australia, I clicked on it to find a video with the caption, “Look at these beautiful dolls with Down syndrome–we’re adding them to our shop tomorrow!”…and I fell in love.

I fell in love with the dolls that subtly capture in the most beautiful way those special little features we love. And I fell in love with the shop and the way they curated their products and the thoughtful way the dolls were being sold–wedged in between all the other beautiful dolls that had dark hair and blond hair and brown skin and white skin and Asian eyes and almond eyes–all photographed and categorized in this beautiful collection of dolls that celebrated all kinds of differences, no big deal. For the first time, I wanted a doll with Down syndrome for Nella, and I wanted it bad–so bad, I woke up early to make sure I could put one in my cart before they were sold out. I wanted to give it to her and tell her it was a special doll–a doll that had Down syndrome just like her so she could add it to her collection of all the other dolls that are just like her but know that this one shared something extra.

On Christmas morning, Nella was presented her doll as our family surrounded her, all beaming and telling her that the doll had Down syndrome–“just like you, Nella! Just like you! Isn’t she beautiful?” You should have seen her smile. She immediately took the doll, gently placed it over her shoulder and patted her back.

She carried that doll around all day, telling Lainey multiple times, “She has Down syndrome, Lainey. Just like me.” It was one small thing we could do to help her feel what we hope she is surrounded with her entire life–the message that people with Down syndrome are beautiful, capable and loved. And I knew she felt it holding that doll.

If you haven’t seen this video of the little girl with a prosthetic leg who finally received a doll made to look just like her, watch it. It’s a perfect example of what a powerful message of acceptance a doll can bring.

The doll company that makes our doll is Belonil, a company in Spain, but we purchased it from The Small Folk, the only company I could find that would ship the doll internationally.

I feel strongly about a lot of things both when it comes to raising a child with special needs and raising a child in general. But I’m learning to add the phrase “right now” to those feelings–“I feel strongly about this right now.” It helps me abstain from judging other opinions, allows me to recognize my strong feelings might be associated with current circumstances and/or pain and keeps the door open for change.

Oh, and the doll’s name? We all anticipated what Nella would name her being that she’s known for her creative Barbie names. I mean, we’ve got Pee Box, Paquel, Poop and Grocery Store sitting in the Barbie car right now.

But be still our hearts when we asked her what she wanted to name her doll and with no hesitation, she proudly answered “Nella.”

Christmas Day

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For the first time in–well, ever–the end of Christmas hasn’t put me in a sentimental all-the-fun-is-over funk.

Last year, somewhere between the last present opened and the first piece of pie cut for Christmas dinner, Brett found me in the bathroom, curled over the tub while I washed Dash’s hair, a tearful mess. It was like all those childhood Christmases where I cried when it was over and all the magic years of raising babies and all my love for the holidays had crescendoed to that very moment in the bathroom–a recognition of how much I have loved it all and how much it is changing, sweet and painful at the same time.

“It’s all changing, they’re getting older, these Christmases…I love them so much.” Sob, sob, blah, blah, blah. If I recall, I pulled it together for pie.

This year, I didn’t cry or mourn the end or say one word about how next year would look different. I sat back and enjoyed our little Christmas–just as it is–a maturity graduation I attribute, of course, to turning 40 tomorrow because I’m attributing every meaningless thing to turning 40. Drop a spoon in the kitchen: “Ha ha, look. I’m dropping things. Must be turning 40, eh?” Try a new lipstick color: “Gotta change things up, you know. Turning 40.” Puts clothes away instead of leaving them on the floor: “I’m a new woman! I pick things up! Yay, 40!” I realize this is annoying, but I can’t stop.

That said, yes, I do love so much about Christmas and I’m grateful for the memories we’ve made this month and the festive celebrations and all the pretty things that have added wonder to the past few weeks. But I can tuck them away without feelings of scarcity or sadness. Because 40, of course.

Some favorite moments from the past week…

Baking Santa’s cookies.

A hug he grabbed because he loved the little buns she put in her hair so much, he couldn’t help himself.

A check off our holiday bucket list with a trip to a nearby neighborhood that puts on the best light show.

Every weekend in December, it’s bumper-to-bumper slow traffic in this neighborhood–trolleys and buses come to tour it, residents host parties in their driveways, bands play Christmas carols and just about every family in Naples spends an evening touring the streets.

Another holiday bucket list finished (I think we had two unchecked items at the end), rolled up and tucked in the keepsake bin…with no feelings of scarcity or sadness BECAUSE 40. We’re doing this, folks. We’re doing this.

I was so proud to announce that I had all my wrapping done early this year and would not be staying up until 1:30 a.m. Christmas Eve to prepare.

But we all know how that ends. I stayed up until 1:30 a.m. Christmas Eve to prepare.

The Eve is my favorite. Christmas movies by the fire…

Writing our final words to Santa.
(Dash: “I’m not going to tell Santa I love him because he’s not in my family, and I don’t love him.” Touche, Dash.)

Annual tradition: setting up the reindeer runway in our driveway.


Cookies for Santa.

And putting all three kids to sleep in the same bed. It takes forever for them to settle down, but when they do, I take this photo every year.

And yes, I fully expect them to keep doing this in their 40’s (Because 40). I know this can happen because the mother in the book I Love You, Forever crept into her son’s room to cradle him grown man style, and if she can do that, then my grown kids can surely leave their spouses and children at home to come curl up in bed at my house to fall asleep and get their photo taken, not creepy at all. (We will absolutely reenact this scene to recreate a photo in 20 years, and it will hang in my old lady office someday.)

The final scene, 1:30 a.m. before I crashed, excited and happy.



And all the Christmas morning joy. Running to find evidence of Santa, Blitzen’s spit-out carrots (he doesn’t like them), snowy reindeer tracks (it’s magic North Pole snow that never melts), stockings and presents and Christmas breakfast, pajamas that don’t get changed until the afternoon, endless coffee and movies and family piled up on the couch. Grateful for these memories and the people in them.





And Nella’s little doll with Down syndrome. I’ll tell you more about it later this week. Let’s just say I changed my mind about dolls with Down syndrome because I used to feel very strongly against them, and this little baby has brought so much joy.

We’re still in cozy lazy day mode over here. Whatever you celebrate and wherever you are, I hope you all made some special memories this week and were surrounded by love.

Fun Gifts for Everyone on Your List

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This post is sponsored by TJMaxx.com

It is a true fact that the answers to many of my not-really-problems-but-let’s-just-call-them-that-for-the-sake-of-this-post have been found in the aisles of T.J.Maxx. Like the replacement for my too-short tablecloth, for instance, that I found in the home aisle one Saturday afternoon when I wasn’t even looking. Or the perfect gift for Nella’s friend’s birthday party–two picture books and an art set–not to mention a gift bag to wrap it in ten minutes before the party began, in my car, of course. Affordable exercise equipment to build a home workout area, shoes that don’t break the bank, a phone case so I can dispose of my cracked one and–surprisingly one day, tucked away on the beauty shelves–natural kid shampoo that made me giddy to find. This is what I love about T.J.Maxx–they offer a treasure hunt of products and gifts in just about every category you can imagine, particularly creatively inspiring for gift givers this time of year. Even better? They offer everything you love about T.J.Maxx stores online, so you can go treasure hunting without ever leaving your home.

I did this last week, heading to my office with coffee and a little hope to knock some gifts off my list, and I had so much fun clicking around TJMaxx.com to find beautiful gifts (and lots of brand names we love!) at an incredible value. You can use their category titles as guides or dive into some of their curated lists to find unique finds you might not have thought of — gifts for her, gifts for the fitness enthusiast, hostess gifts or gifts under $50.

I was looking for a teen girl gift, a stocking plush for a friend’s daughter, a small gift for a creative friend and some stocker stuffing inspiration for Brett. If you look, you shall find because look what I found!

Teen Girl: brand name record player, a vinyl to go with it and a letter board for her room. I got so excited when I found this not only because I know how much this music-loving teen will love this but because it was such a great value (I’ve seen how much these cost on other sites!). I went ahead and pulled the packaging off the letter board so I could write a little note on it and tie it all together to make the gift look pretty.

Stocking Plush: I love having some plush animal or doll be the finishing touch on a stocking. They always look so cute peeking out. I’m picky with plush though, drawn to sweet details and handmade goods. Those kind of plush can be expensive though, so imagine my excitement when I found this gorgeous doll (made in India) for less than $20.

If you type “plush” on T.J.Maxx search bar, you’ll find so many unique finds for kids. Okay, or adults.

Brett’s Stocking: I thought this one would be hard, but it was the easiest one to shop for. TJMaxx.com basically offers a cornucopia of cool guy stuff to fill a stocking from gadgets and games to underwear and socks. You can never go wrong with rolled up underwear in a stocking.

Creative Friends: One of my favorite things T.J.Maxx does well is offer a great selection of “little gifts”–candles, journals, books, art inspiration, earrings, pretty dishes, etc. that work great for small tokens of appreciation to friends, hostesses or teachers. We like to give generous gift certificates to our teachers at Christmas, but it’s harder this year with Lainey because she has so many teachers in middle school; and the amount we usually give in elementary school is not possible x 7 for one kid. Nella has a lot of assistants and specialists who work with her as well, so there’s more people to gift. Small thoughtful gifts work perfectly, and we find so many great things at T.J.Maxx. A book on creativity, a journal and a colored pencil set, all tied up with ribbon? Affordable, thoughtful and fun to give.

Anything you purchase on TJMaxx.com can be returned for free at any T.J.Maxx location, free shipping is available for orders over $89, and hundreds of new arrivals are added to the T.J.Maxx website each week, so you’ll find fresh gift inspiration every time you shop.

Our family has long been big fans of the T.J.Maxx treasure hunt, and having one more way to shop (in your pajamas, from your couch!) makes it better.

If you need a little gifting inspiration, check out their incredible values and have some fun poking around their site. There are so many great toys for kids too–I wish I had more really small ones to shop for because I saw so many unique toddler finds at incredible prices!