I woke up in the middle of the night Sunday night worried about the weight of the world and all its people. This happens now and again–never used to, but I’m older, have three parts of my heart beating in other rooms, and understand more now how intricate life is–how many people and things contribute to good and how quickly that can all change. Under the weight of darkness and without daytime distractors to soften the blow, I think about wars, people who are hurting. I worry about my family’s health. I think about the e-mails I forgot to respond to, jobs I need to finish, the appointment I need to make for new tires. I wonder if I call my parents enough, if I read to my kids enough, if ten years from now I’ll wish we could have done it all differently, if that pain on my right side is nothing or something serious and awful. I put my hand over my heart and feel it beating and am overwhelmed by the fact that my next breath and every one after is completely dependent on that small heart never stopping.
When I’m lying awake in my bed at 2:00 a.m., my love for my kids is all consuming, almost paralyzing. On these nights when the world is heavy, I make lots of middle-of-the-night promises to myself–to live healthier, to run and read and pick up the phone and hug and talk and try and give more. Eventually I fall back to sleep, wake up hours later and laugh because everything is fine and, good Lord, can I take things to the moon. I make coffee, light a candle, wake up kids, decide whether I’m going to drink the green smoothie or care about it tomorrow and eat the toast with extra butter and piles of cherry jam today. I remind myself that perspective is everything, that the sun restores clarity, and I save just a pocketful of those midnight worries to challenge me (drink the green smoothie! drink the green smoothie!).
I’ve accepted that occasional middle-of-the-night anxiety is a thing for me and the more other moms I talk to, a thing for many other people too. I pay attention to it and have an arsenal of ways to keep it few and far between, most that center around good life choices and gratitude.
Paying attention is everything. A couple weeks ago, I stumbled across an old Fresh Air interview with Maurice Sendak that I had forgotten about. I had originally heard it replayed on the radio last year and remember sitting in a parking lot outside a pet store, unable to turn my car off–it was that good. You may have heard it–it’s so lovely. If you haven’t, listen to the last five minutes of it. I reintroduced it to cousins and friends last week like it was my job to spread the gospel of gratitude and imagination. Actually, that is my job, and that is my gospel.
There’s this part where he describes what he sees outside his window, and with just a few words, you truly feel how grateful he is for beauty. For something as simple as trees. In the wise weary voice of a man who’s lived through years of joy and suffering, he says my favorite part: “There’s something I’m finding out as I’m aging–that I’m in love with the world…I can take time to see how beautiful (it is). It is a blessing to find the time to do the things, to read the books, to listen to the music.”
And that is my elixir. To state it in a simple mathematical equation, The Beautiful Things in the World > the worries.
Casting off into the world another love for small things with some images from our Mother’s Day–little people exploring the world like I want to–with a big splash.
I made a Mother tattoo with permanent marker on my hand, and Lainey asked for the exact same one. “You sure you don’t want Daughter on yours?” “Nope…I want it just like yours.”
Last night, Lainey and I went for a run together post storm. We jumped in puddles, looked for frogs, stopped to observe the way raindrops were suspended on our gardenias, and when I got tired from running, she yelled, “Let’s keep running!”
Sweet sunshine, sweet babies, sweet tomorrows. Let’s keep running. But maybe not stop for jumping jacks every half a block because that was a bit much.
I hope you all enjoyed some of those beautiful things of the world this weekend.
Thank you to all those that left encouraging words on Jillian Lauren’s interview post. Congratulations to Brittany, the winner of her book package, Brittany: “…I needed the honest thoughts from moms who have been through the fire and made it out the other side. I am constantly sitting between overwhelming excitement about adopting and the waves of terror for the possible attachment problems, fear that my children will never truly feel connected, or worse- that I will never be able to connect deeply with them. I stopped reading half way through to order the book and then came back to the interview- Thank you Thank you Thank you!“
sangeetha menon says
superb and colourful pics.. really liked it.
Heather Kulaga says
Funny how things work out, but I just had one such “2am” last night…feeling like I will never remember every detail that my kids need me to remember, that I will never get it all done. I thought about the cake I’m supposed to order for my 22 year old’s graduation on Saturday, and wondered what else I was supposed to remember. It’s not just the things I have to remember to do, it’s the things I’m worried that I don’t even know I have to remember, you know? All the stuff I forgot to dream up. But this morning I am dashing a signed progress report up to the twins between first and second hour, and I was thinking – I should just remember the stuff I DO, because…it’s really the small things. Then I read your post. Solidarity. Love u.
Kelle says
Love you, dear cuz. xo
Courtney boehm says
This post really hit home for me. As a mom of 2 beautiful girls I have been struggling lately with anxiety. Most of it is exactly as you describe. It creeps up in the middle of night and sometimes its hard to shake. I love those girls and my family more than words can express. As I get older I realize what a gift we have in our family and how quickly things can change. Thanks for sharing, sometimes its so comforting to know we are not alone in our thoughts.
faygie fellig says
each time you write you touch us with your honesty. we feel alot like you do you…but you say it so beautifully
Jess Townes says
I remember that interview so well. I parked in front of my local Target to finish soaking in his words at the end. I love your “greater than” equation, words to live by when we are drowning in the weight of the world. My worries don’t come at 2am, but they simmer below the surface around the clock, and overflow at unpredictable moments…news of an earthquake, a terrorist attack, a lost child can drown me while I’m making dinner or driving the kids to school. And it’s okay, it’s part of who I am, but gratitude and wonder (and an action piece) are my life preservers. Noticing the beauty, and weighing it more heavily than the worry. I might just jot down your “math” somewhere visible, as a reminder. Thank you.
Kelle says
Yes, the action piece. Thank you for these sweet words.
Brandi says
I am in tears after listening to the Sendak interview. Thank you for sharing that little gem. “Live your life, live your life, live your life.” LOVE!
Monique says
I am 61.. you never stop worrying about your children..and then your grandchildren;)
Love seeing your beautiful family♥
Mandy D says
Beautiful truth.
Cindel says
That pony tail on Dash at the beach! Love.
Haymama says
Oh how familiar I am with the 2am panic, when I am most aware of how fragile all of this beauty really is. Our lil guy looks so much like yours at first glance. Gets me every time. Same age, same hair, same ponytail, same slender build…
Marian says
Happy Mother’s Day Kelle- looks like a perfect day. we had a funny old day, with two sick girls, ended up cradling them all through a 2 hour lunch at a restaurant. Which was strangely ok, whilst I wish they didn’t have a head cold (especially now I have it too!) it was like having two newborns again. I rarely get to sit and hold one for so long without thinking I should put them down and go do something around the house!
I totally get the middle of the night worrying about ifs and buts. I seem to come up with a worrying health issue and what it could be (I am a Dr after all, ok so not a medical doctor but still), and the thing that scares me is the prospect of not being here and missing out on them! Anyhow, here’s to motherhood- all of it, even the middle of the night worrying (I’m sure we’ll find out what it’s really like when they’re teenagers!!! 😉 )
Kelle says
xo You know I always love seeing your girls and remembering being pregnant “with you.”
Diane says
Beautiful and I thought you would enjoy this:
Today I am holding in my heart all of you and your loved ones who are suffering from ill health or loss of inner safety. Do please give yourself some regular precious minutes to bring your thoughts home to the heart to your physical heart and your eternal “heart”. The words that follow are mainly from Thich Nhat Hanh ‘s so simple prayer, that I often adapt to the call of the day. May it reach and restore you.
Breathing in, I calm my body.
Breathing out, I trust.
24 brand new hours are before me.
I vow to look at all beings –
Including my own dear and familiar self –
through the eyes of unconditional acceptance, and compassion.
Blessed be.
Stephanie Dowrick
Kelle says
Love. Thank you!
Karla says
I’m one of those worriers, too! Sometimes I actually dread getting into bed because I know that, no matter how tired I am, I’ll just lay there thinking about all those things. In the morning, I often wake up remembering those things, too. Arrgh!
On another note: where did Heidi get that lacey cover-up? I’m thinking I could use one of those…
michal says
Love it. Great post.
Also, on a more important note (hehe), I need Heidi’s cover up. Please please find out where it’s from. It looks SO good on her and it’s the perfect length and opaqueness…
Andrea says
I can totally relate to the middle of the night anxiety! I’m working to combat it too because you are right, there is so much good!
Love the beach pictures! It’s not quite beach weather here in Michigan but we’re getting close!
PEnny says
Just love your views on lie Kelley…your book, your blog…found it 3 years ago and always enjoy!
I live in Aus and am now pregnant with my first bubba! You make motherhood sound even more exciting and wonderful!
Just wanted to share something that may make you feel better about your night time anxieties.
I have suffered from insomnia for nearly 8 years. It is relentless and debilitating and exhausting. Sometimes I lie awake all night long. No sleep. Sometimes thinking and sometimes not. I also am a primary school teacher and have Kindergarten at the moment. It can be tough with no sleep (and just generally being pregnant!)
Over the years I have tried many different forms of therapy. Right now I am seeing a kinesiologist/chiro who is definitely making a difference.
BUT here’s what I wanted to tell you. About 4 years ago I went to a sleep psychologist who taught me that while I am lying awake overthinking things and planning my to do list and mentally fixing things that seem world-endingly bad in the deep darks of the world, the rationalizing part of my brain has clocked off and finished work for the day! Leaving my poor little heart to do all the head work that the next day seems terribly simple and unimportant. So now I just tell myself that those things are not to be solved right now because my thinker ain’t working overtime so I just have to turn them off.
My yoga teacher also helped by describing those unwanted thoughts as “phone calls at inopportube times” (so for you as a mum, like 6pm when you are midway through the dinner/bath/bed routine). She said those phone calls are important, so you tell the person, “I’ll call you back when I’m done with this stuff or when I have time”…do the same with your thoughts. Acknowledge they want to be heard, and tell them you’ll deal with them in the morning when all staff members of your brain are at work. (Most of the time you won’t even remember what they were to revisit them, which shows they were never that important!!)
Hope this helps. It’s definitely helped me on my long and continuing journey back to sleepville!!
Kelle says
I love “because my thinker ain’t working overtime.” Such great perspective. And love the phone call imagery too! Thank you!
Louise says
Kelle, I love your books and love your posts. Thank you for sharing your words and excellent, warm photography.
Megan morris says
This is such a beautiful and honest post! I also love that interview with Maurice Sendak and listen to it often — and cry every time. Have you seen the beautiful illustrations that NY Times cartoonist Christoph Niemann drew for it? The video is wonderful (and also quite a tear-jerker!): http://www.nytimes.com/video/magazine/100000001970456/an-illustrated-talk-with-maurice-sendak.html
Heather Henricks says
Happy Mother’s Day to you, beautiful Mama ~ Looks like it was a wonderful day for you. XOXO, Heather
TAnya P. says
Midnight worries… you described it perfectly!!! And always better in the morning!
Kristen says
Wow Kelle you take some AMAZING pictures.I LOVE reading your blogs and looking at your pictures.
Kate says
Gorgeous pics! I’m in Ohio, ya know, no ocean or bays. We go to the beach down south every summer, so that’s the extent of the time we spend there. And that’s fine, I love the seasons! But my question is, I have always been told to stay away from the piers because of sharks, snakes and just danger. So since you guys swim in that spot a lot, I guess it’s safe to swim near that pier? Is that a lake then, no sharks, jellyfish or snakes to worry about? My kids are drawn to the piers, always. Any thoughts?
Kelle says
We’ve been going to this particular place for ages. I’ve never seen a snake or shark here yet. We have seen a few jellyfish, but they’ve actually been near the shore, not by the pier. We keep our eyes open for stuff, but I critters generally stay away from us. I used to be nervous about a lot of sea life when I first moved here, but now as long as the water’s clear and I can see what I’m standing on, I feel safe. :o)
Amy C says
Yes! Yes to everything written about in this post. You nailed the middle-of-the-night-momma-anxiety perfectly. What is is about the night that brings out a mom’s worst fears? I laughed reading this because it was so relatable.