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Supporting Kids Through Lockdown Drills

May 14, 2019 By Kelle

Supporting Kids Through Lockdown Drills

Good Morning, Internet Friends!

If you are like me, you have your friends categorized into a mental Roladex (can we even still use that word or is it archaically unrelatable now?) of people you call when particular situations arise. The following are some of my situations:

  • There’s a butter grease stain on my favorite white pants. Call Dede.
  • I butchered my bangs again in a late night wine-induced “I think I am a hairstylist” session. Call Crystal.
  • Something major embarrassing just happened in a crowd of people, and I need someone to tell me something even more embarrassing just happened to them. Call Heidi.
  • I’m pretty sure there’s a major school event coming up that requires some preparation, but I lost the paper that came home telling me about it. Call Lindsey.
  • There’s a parenting situation happening that involves a lot of feelings, I don’t know how to handle it, and I need some solid helpful advice. Call Amy.

That last one–my friend Amy? She’s a writer (check out her latest piece on USA Today), mother and advocate who listens to all my questions and stories with such warmth, acceptance and relatability. Together with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, Amy makes an incredible source of wisdom and advice to support parents and friends. I’ve been lucky to hold Amy as my own secret powerful resource for years, only wishing I could package up her warmth and advice and share it with the world. And now that’s happening because Amy and Jeffrey have their first book publishing next year, a book filled with stories that explore six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet. All I can say is lucky world. And lucky us because, for the next six weeks, I’ll be sharing my friend Amy with you in a post each week discussing some of the big parenting questions we all share.

You can connect more with Amy and Jeffrey on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook.

As the school year comes to a close, so does a lot of our anxiety about school issues. But for many who are preparing to send new students to school next year, this is when anxiety sets in. We’ve seen too many stories of school shootings on the news this year, and sadly, it’s a different era where security and safety for potential threats is part of everyday protocol for even the littlest of students. I’ll never forget last year, Dash’s first year of kindergarten, where shifts in security rules and district precautions following the Parkland shooting gave the beginning of the year a certain heaviness. No more walking our kids to their classrooms. The thought of lockdown drills for kids barely big enough to hold the weight of their backpacks felt so overwhelming, and I completely understand these feelings weighing heavy over the summer.

Cue “Call Amy.”  I’m honored to have Amy answering this question this week and more on the heavy issues of parenting in the coming weeks.

My daughter is going into kindergarten next year and will have to take part in the school’s lockdown drills. She’s a really anxious kid, and I’m worried that the drills will terrify her. Also, the thought of having to prepare her for school shootings makes me feel overwhelmed, teary, and a little furious. What can I do to manage my own emotions and make the experience less scary for her, too?

— Anxious Mom

Oh, Anxious Mom. We’re so sorry. If it helps, your question makes us sad and a little furious, too. And the situation you’re describing is familiar to so many parents right now. While statistically rare, the reality of school gun violence in the US is real. And school systems are on the front lines, trying to prepare kids for emergencies while balancing the mental health and wellbeing of their students.

We would start by reaching out to your daughter’s school to tell them about her anxiety and ask for help. Her teacher may be able to tell you more about the drills and share tips about how to prepare her. As you reach out, remember that the school is trying to navigate a difficult situation as best they can. Try to listen to what they share with an open heart. Our two older boys were in first and fourth grade during Sandy Hook, and in the days following the tragedy we connected and mourned with their teachers, listening as they shared their own fear and heartbreak. Especially in times of stress, we cannot forget how much we need each other.

The drills may be less scary for your daughter if you prepare her for them ahead of time. You could begin by asking if she has ever had to cover or hide in a classroom for pretend, or if she knows why she might have to do this. If she does not know and doesn’t use words like, “a bad person might shoot me,” consider carefully before giving her that information. It’s heavy knowledge to carry, and when she’s very little, not knowing is likely a gift. A simple statement like, “It’s important to learn how to be safe” may be enough. Tell her that sometimes at school she’s going to practice being safe, and when she’s practicing, she should listen quietly and follow her teacher’s instructions.

You can also equip her to face frightening situations by giving her some words and actions to remember when she’s scared. We’ve taught our youngest that once he’s in a quiet place, he can cross his arms in front of his body and grab onto his shoulders to hug tight, feeling the squeeze. We tell him that God is like a mommy or a daddy, with arms of love stretching out to hold him. Even when we’re not there, God’s love is always pressing in all around him, just like that hug.

You could tell your daughter that your love for her stretches out wide from your arms to reach her wherever she is, even when you’re apart. Have her touch her head, her feet, her arms, her belly. As she does, place your hands over hers and tell her that she is covered and surrounded by love, all the time. If she is ever scared or feeling alone, she can wrap her arms around herself and squeeze tight to remember that love is right there with her. Love will never, ever leave her on her own. And that love is all around her teacher, her friends, and you, too. Love will hold all of you together until you’re
close again.

For some kids, the physical sensation they get from wrapping their arms around themselves in a squeeze can provide sensory stimulation and relief when they’re scared. The Butterfly Hug is a particularly therapeutic hug method to teach. Also, giving your daughter something to set her mind on in times of fear (I am not alone, Love is here with me) is a better strategy than telling her not to be scared, because brain science tells us that the more we tell ourselves not to think about something, the more we get stuck in that very place.

About 95% of schools in the US participate in lockdown drills, and research shows that lockdown drills can be effective, especially when they are done calmly and without a named threat. Realistic active shooter drills, or drills that act out a response to an attacker on school grounds, are a particular sort of lockdown drill. As we researched your question, we could not find evidence that realistic active shooter drills make our children safer. But there is good evidence to suggest that they can cause psychological harm.

We’ve found action to be an antidote to fear and a channel for fury. For the sake of your daughter and the other children who will be subject to the drills, find out more about the type of drills your school is planning, and consider requesting that all drills follow these guidelines from the National Association of School Psychologists and the National Association of School Resource Officers. Among other recommendations, they state that participation in active shooters drills should be optional and require parental consent.

Being scared and learning to manage fear is a healthy part of child development, and your daughter is going to have to experience scary things in her childhood. But our children need us to try to protect them from overtly terrifying experiences. If your daughter has an anxiety disorder or a history with gun violence, and your school has moved beyond lockdowns to more realistic active shooter exercises, consider keeping her home on the day of the drill. She will still need to learn to stay quiet and follow her teacher if there is an emergency at school, but for kids in these situations, participation can be traumatizing.

Finally, fear and fury can move us to action, but they can also steal joy. Allow yourself to enter into beautiful moments with your daughter wholeheartedly. Tell her to ask for a hug anytime she needs one, and offer them freely. When you’re snuggling her close, remind her that love will always, forever hold you together — no matter what.

*******************

If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

Filed Under: Family, Growing Connected

Eggs and Baskets and Bunny Ears Forever: Easter 2019

April 22, 2019 By Kelle

Eggs and Baskets and Bunny Ears Forever: Easter 2019

We leisured yesterday, like the Sundays of my childhood when we’d come home from church to roast in the crock pot and settle into quiet corners of the house after dinner while grown-ups napped. But before the leisure, there was the early rising (“We get to take naps later today, right?” Brett asked.) due to three kids who sensed the Easter Bunny’s presence, thus taking no heed to our “Please go back to sleep” requests. We corralled them into one bedroom to entertain each other until it was light enough for their squeals not to wake the neighbors.

Looking for signs of the bunny…

For the record, I’m doing this forever–the eggs, the baskets, the bunny ears. When they’re in their twenties–yes, then too. I put a can of fancy millennial beer in Austyn’s basket this year–I’m not above that. If my own kids are busy someday with their own wild and precious lives, I’ll do it for the neighbor kids, Mrs. Muddle style. But let there always be eggs and baskets and bunny ears.

Big hits this year–the golden egg…

(Nella found it with Brett’s help)

…the color pink.

…putting a puzzle together with clues to find their baskets.

And kawaii gifts. Lainey’s way into kawaii and artsy stuff, so it was so much fun filling her basket knowing how happy she’d be.  Oh to have kids who love tiny shit as much as I do! Stockings and Easter baskets are so easy!

File under Things That Make Me Happy: This picture and these two together.

We’ve taken this same photo in this same spot for several years now–I love seeing them grow. I hope Grandma Dog is in next year’s photo too.

The big boys were home which makes everyone happy.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it–so we ate the same things we always eat on Easter morning. Egg casserole, sticky buns and stiff crispy bacon, nearly burnt.

Lainey named all the placeholder ducks.

And after recovery naps and lots of couch & movie lounging, we gathered again for dinner, this time in our church clothes that never make it to church.

Ending our holiday with “the good shot” after 24 takes where none of the kids are looking or two are exchanging potty jokes.  But this one…two out of three looking, we’ll take it!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter. The countdown to summer is official.

Filed Under: Family

This Will Make Your Summer 2019 Unforgettable!

April 9, 2019 By Kelle

This Will Make Your Summer 2019 Unforgettable!

The countdown has begun whether you know it or not. The days, the hours, the exact number of minutes left until summer begins is being counted by those who yearn for the magic and delight the summer months deliver–the scent of grill smoke wafting through neighborhoods; the night chorus of crickets; the thrill of catching the ice cream truck, landing the perfect cannonball in the pool, twirling a sparkler through the night sky to write your name.

Sparkler

No season stirs the magic and wonder of childhood bliss quite like summer and yet, for many, it can also elicit immediate stress–No school! No routine! Long days of entertaining kids, lining up camps and–Dear God–spending sixteen hours in the car trapped with your family on the way to the National Park visit that looked so dreamy when you booked it last November. And then there’s Pinterest Patty, your smiley neighbor whose World’s Best Summer Mom posts keep popping up in Facebook, stressing you out even more. Is it really necessary to build a market farm stand two months in advance in preparation to sell bakery goods in your driveway at the neighborhood garage sale? No, it’s not. Do you miss the feeling of your youth when you wanted summer to last forever, when scoring the last blue raspberry Otter Pop in the box was the pinnacle of summer happiness?

Regardless of how we’ve grown or how life has changed–more kids, full-time jobs, less energy, tighter budget, challenging circumstances, distinguished “spark”–the magic and possibility of summer still exists, buried in every square on the calendar that officially constitutes the season, there for us when we want to revisit Never Land. I’m here to tell you, “You can fly!”

Summer is my favorite, and I’ve been fortunate to enjoy so many summers adventuring with my kids. I feel like I’m 10 years old again come June, lost in a storybook of sensory experiences and potential for fun and meaningful memories. I completely understand the overwhelm of summer though and know that we all have our areas of inspiration. Summer memory making happens to be one of mine, and I want to share it in a way that can help bring magic to your summer. So I’ve been making something for you, and I’m thrilled to offer it to you today for presale, 25% off!.

Once Upon a Summer is something I’ve been dreaming about since last summer–a compilation of summer inspiration, easily accessed in a digital document, to help you find ideas, tips, crafts, activities, motivation, creative enthusiasm and pure happiness in the simple celebrations summer offers whether they be in the backseat of a car on a long road trip, in a living room fort at the end of a tiresome workday, or in a quiet moment in nature. We, of course, don’t owe our kids “magic” or “storybook” because they are equipped with their own imagination and creativity to make summer adventures on their own. So this isn’t about over-the-top effort or mom guilt for what we aren’t doing. On the contrary, this guide is just as much about you having fun and loving summer as it is about offering something to your kids. It’s meant to be an invitation, not an obligation. You don’t have to be a Pinterest Patty, you just have to love having fun.

You can print an ink budget-friendly version or scroll through the complete PDF, stitched with images that will evoke all your summer senses. I can’t wait to share this with you and consequently spend the summer with you, adventuring together through the magic these months hold.

Pre-order now for a 25% discount! (It’s only $9 right now!)

Filed Under: Family, Make Stuff

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