Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

What If I’m Not Looking Forward to Summer?

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We officially hung our Summer Bucket List (this year it’s in my Once Upon A Summer guide PDF!) on our living room wall yesterday even though we are two weeks away from the finish line. We just wanted to see it to help us stay motivated to keep running. I made sure there’s a clear shot of the bucket list from the counter where I make the kids’ lunches in the morning because: Eye on the Prize. The kids noticed the list as soon as they walked in the door from school yesterday and came running to excitedly point out all the things they’re looking forward to.

Which brings me to the question…Are you looking forward to summer? Because, if the thought of summer doesn’t have you dreaming of skipping in a field of wildflowers with your children and delighting in the fact that you get to be with them ALL DAY LONG (cue heart rate increase), that’s absolutely perfectly normal and okay. Part of the reason why I so put so much of my heart into summer and making a big deal of our bucket list is to counteract the reality of the white flag I know I will be waving some days. Making a plan and writing down simple delights we want to experience together helps me remember that summer isn’t about delivering an over-the-top magical experience for my kids. It’s about enjoying things myself–simple things like pulling over to pick wildflowers or initiating a hotel room pillow fight on vacation–and inviting my kids to enjoy those things with me.

I received the following direct message this week:

I bought your summer guide and am so excited to look through it. I am assuming (maybe I’m wrong) your family has rough days where kids don’t listen, they argue and fight just like mine. We are planning an at home summer of togetherness, and I’m wondering if you have any tips on regrouping and redirecting everyone into a fun and enjoyable day? It’s my biggest worry for the summer. Sometimes it’s so hard to stop once they are on the bad day train.

I know this is relatable to so many, so I’ll offer a collective AMEN! from the congregation and throw in my suggestions. But first:

Hell hath no fury like a mom who dreamed up a glorious summer in her head and watched her dream burn in flames when her family effed it up on the first day of summer with their fighting and complaining and refusal to smile for a picture at the farmer’s market which they all think is boring and dumb.

If you’re like me, moments like these trigger dramatic conversations in my head that sound like: My family is the Worst and What did I do wrong? 

Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong. Some things that are helpful to me in moments like these:

1)  HUMOR! Laugh at the reality of parenting. Text your best friend or your sister and tell them about the day going to hell. They’ll likely text back a funny gif and tell you about their kids who are acting worse than yours. My best friend Heidi and I have countless stories of adventures we took our kids on with dreamy aspirations only to be disappointed with how much they didn’t appreciate it as much as we did. We don’t let that bring us down though. We make jokes about how horrible we are because we actually wanted to spend time with the kids, and we make sure the kids see us laughing and continuing on. Most of the time, our happiness is contagious, and the kids come around (If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.).

2) Create a code word or phrase that brings everyone together. This year, we designated a silly random word that represents a white flag when things are escalating and emotions are rising. Anyone can yell it to signal to everyone that we need to stop talking, take a breath and regroup before we regret saying something we didn’t intend to say or losing our cool. The sillier the word, the better. Create a game plan for how the word will be used. Maybe everyone stops talking and runs to the couch for 60 seconds of silence. Or perhaps it’s a signal for a 2-minute dance break.

3) You set the tone. Our kids follow our lead. I’m passionate about one thing when it comes to summer–it is as much about me enjoying moments and having fun as it is about delivering enjoyment and fun to my kids. Kids are far more likely to truly enjoy a moment or an experience when they see you loving it too. Talk about how much you’re loving simple things. Your enthusiasm will rub off on them.

4) The power of spontaneity. It’s my favorite tool in parenting and has cured so many bad days. Do something crazy. When things have felt out of control and need a little attitude defibrillation, I’ve actually yelled, “Everybody, get in the car now! Surprise destination!” to get everyone excited and running to the car when really, I have zero idea what that surprise will be and have to figure it out once we get driving. But it’s worked. And it doesn’t have to be a destination. You can call “pajama day” at 1:00 in the afternoon and summon everyone to the living room for a movie. Or create a challenge–give your kids a recipe and tell them they have to host their own cooking show in the kitchen. Let them record video of it and debut their show to the family that evening.

5) Know you’re not alone. In those moments where plans have failed and the house is a mess and no one seems happy, know that for every mom posting a perfect summer vacation moment on social media, there are three moms who are standing in their kitchen wondering what they hell they are doing wrong. Just because a few hours are a wash doesn’t mean your entire summer is a wash. You still hold the reigns, and the opportunities for meaningful summer memories are still plenty. The wildflower field will welcome you when you’re ready, and at the end of the day–even the bad ones–you can still tiptoe out to lie in the back yard, look up at the stars and know that summer’s goodness is there for you. When your mind is feeding you scarcity, counteract it with abundance. There is more.

For more summer inspiration, an epic summer bucket list and lots of creative, simple ideas to bring joy to your summer, check out Once Upon a Summer, a PDF guide. I poured my summer-loving heart into it.

Supporting Kids Through Lockdown Drills

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Good Morning, Internet Friends!

If you are like me, you have your friends categorized into a mental Roladex (can we even still use that word or is it archaically unrelatable now?) of people you call when particular situations arise. The following are some of my situations:

  • There’s a butter grease stain on my favorite white pants. Call Dede.
  • I butchered my bangs again in a late night wine-induced “I think I am a hairstylist” session. Call Crystal.
  • Something major embarrassing just happened in a crowd of people, and I need someone to tell me something even more embarrassing just happened to them. Call Heidi.
  • I’m pretty sure there’s a major school event coming up that requires some preparation, but I lost the paper that came home telling me about it. Call Lindsey.
  • There’s a parenting situation happening that involves a lot of feelings, I don’t know how to handle it, and I need some solid helpful advice. Call Amy.

That last one–my friend Amy? She’s a writer (check out her latest piece on USA Today), mother and advocate who listens to all my questions and stories with such warmth, acceptance and relatability. Together with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, Amy makes an incredible source of wisdom and advice to support parents and friends. I’ve been lucky to hold Amy as my own secret powerful resource for years, only wishing I could package up her warmth and advice and share it with the world. And now that’s happening because Amy and Jeffrey have their first book publishing next year, a book filled with stories that explore six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet. All I can say is lucky world. And lucky us because, for the next six weeks, I’ll be sharing my friend Amy with you in a post each week discussing some of the big parenting questions we all share.

You can connect more with Amy and Jeffrey on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook.

As the school year comes to a close, so does a lot of our anxiety about school issues. But for many who are preparing to send new students to school next year, this is when anxiety sets in. We’ve seen too many stories of school shootings on the news this year, and sadly, it’s a different era where security and safety for potential threats is part of everyday protocol for even the littlest of students. I’ll never forget last year, Dash’s first year of kindergarten, where shifts in security rules and district precautions following the Parkland shooting gave the beginning of the year a certain heaviness. No more walking our kids to their classrooms. The thought of lockdown drills for kids barely big enough to hold the weight of their backpacks felt so overwhelming, and I completely understand these feelings weighing heavy over the summer.

Cue “Call Amy.”  I’m honored to have Amy answering this question this week and more on the heavy issues of parenting in the coming weeks.

My daughter is going into kindergarten next year and will have to take part in the school’s lockdown drills. She’s a really anxious kid, and I’m worried that the drills will terrify her. Also, the thought of having to prepare her for school shootings makes me feel overwhelmed, teary, and a little furious. What can I do to manage my own emotions and make the experience less scary for her, too?

— Anxious Mom

Oh, Anxious Mom. We’re so sorry. If it helps, your question makes us sad and a little furious, too. And the situation you’re describing is familiar to so many parents right now. While statistically rare, the reality of school gun violence in the US is real. And school systems are on the front lines, trying to prepare kids for emergencies while balancing the mental health and wellbeing of their students.

We would start by reaching out to your daughter’s school to tell them about her anxiety and ask for help. Her teacher may be able to tell you more about the drills and share tips about how to prepare her. As you reach out, remember that the school is trying to navigate a difficult situation as best they can. Try to listen to what they share with an open heart. Our two older boys were in first and fourth grade during Sandy Hook, and in the days following the tragedy we connected and mourned with their teachers, listening as they shared their own fear and heartbreak. Especially in times of stress, we cannot forget how much we need each other.

The drills may be less scary for your daughter if you prepare her for them ahead of time. You could begin by asking if she has ever had to cover or hide in a classroom for pretend, or if she knows why she might have to do this. If she does not know and doesn’t use words like, “a bad person might shoot me,” consider carefully before giving her that information. It’s heavy knowledge to carry, and when she’s very little, not knowing is likely a gift. A simple statement like, “It’s important to learn how to be safe” may be enough. Tell her that sometimes at school she’s going to practice being safe, and when she’s practicing, she should listen quietly and follow her teacher’s instructions.

You can also equip her to face frightening situations by giving her some words and actions to remember when she’s scared. We’ve taught our youngest that once he’s in a quiet place, he can cross his arms in front of his body and grab onto his shoulders to hug tight, feeling the squeeze. We tell him that God is like a mommy or a daddy, with arms of love stretching out to hold him. Even when we’re not there, God’s love is always pressing in all around him, just like that hug.

You could tell your daughter that your love for her stretches out wide from your arms to reach her wherever she is, even when you’re apart. Have her touch her head, her feet, her arms, her belly. As she does, place your hands over hers and tell her that she is covered and surrounded by love, all the time. If she is ever scared or feeling alone, she can wrap her arms around herself and squeeze tight to remember that love is right there with her. Love will never, ever leave her on her own. And that love is all around her teacher, her friends, and you, too. Love will hold all of you together until you’re
close again.

For some kids, the physical sensation they get from wrapping their arms around themselves in a squeeze can provide sensory stimulation and relief when they’re scared. The Butterfly Hug is a particularly therapeutic hug method to teach. Also, giving your daughter something to set her mind on in times of fear (I am not alone, Love is here with me) is a better strategy than telling her not to be scared, because brain science tells us that the more we tell ourselves not to think about something, the more we get stuck in that very place.

About 95% of schools in the US participate in lockdown drills, and research shows that lockdown drills can be effective, especially when they are done calmly and without a named threat. Realistic active shooter drills, or drills that act out a response to an attacker on school grounds, are a particular sort of lockdown drill. As we researched your question, we could not find evidence that realistic active shooter drills make our children safer. But there is good evidence to suggest that they can cause psychological harm.

We’ve found action to be an antidote to fear and a channel for fury. For the sake of your daughter and the other children who will be subject to the drills, find out more about the type of drills your school is planning, and consider requesting that all drills follow these guidelines from the National Association of School Psychologists and the National Association of School Resource Officers. Among other recommendations, they state that participation in active shooters drills should be optional and require parental consent.

Being scared and learning to manage fear is a healthy part of child development, and your daughter is going to have to experience scary things in her childhood. But our children need us to try to protect them from overtly terrifying experiences. If your daughter has an anxiety disorder or a history with gun violence, and your school has moved beyond lockdowns to more realistic active shooter exercises, consider keeping her home on the day of the drill. She will still need to learn to stay quiet and follow her teacher if there is an emergency at school, but for kids in these situations, participation can be traumatizing.

Finally, fear and fury can move us to action, but they can also steal joy. Allow yourself to enter into beautiful moments with your daughter wholeheartedly. Tell her to ask for a hug anytime she needs one, and offer them freely. When you’re snuggling her close, remind her that love will always, forever hold you together — no matter what.

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If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

Eggs and Baskets and Bunny Ears Forever: Easter 2019

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We leisured yesterday, like the Sundays of my childhood when we’d come home from church to roast in the crock pot and settle into quiet corners of the house after dinner while grown-ups napped. But before the leisure, there was the early rising (“We get to take naps later today, right?” Brett asked.) due to three kids who sensed the Easter Bunny’s presence, thus taking no heed to our “Please go back to sleep” requests. We corralled them into one bedroom to entertain each other until it was light enough for their squeals not to wake the neighbors.

Looking for signs of the bunny…

For the record, I’m doing this forever–the eggs, the baskets, the bunny ears. When they’re in their twenties–yes, then too. I put a can of fancy millennial beer in Austyn’s basket this year–I’m not above that. If my own kids are busy someday with their own wild and precious lives, I’ll do it for the neighbor kids, Mrs. Muddle style. But let there always be eggs and baskets and bunny ears.

Big hits this year–the golden egg…

(Nella found it with Brett’s help)

…the color pink.

…putting a puzzle together with clues to find their baskets.

And kawaii gifts. Lainey’s way into kawaii and artsy stuff, so it was so much fun filling her basket knowing how happy she’d be.  Oh to have kids who love tiny shit as much as I do! Stockings and Easter baskets are so easy!

File under Things That Make Me Happy: This picture and these two together.

We’ve taken this same photo in this same spot for several years now–I love seeing them grow. I hope Grandma Dog is in next year’s photo too.

The big boys were home which makes everyone happy.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it–so we ate the same things we always eat on Easter morning. Egg casserole, sticky buns and stiff crispy bacon, nearly burnt.

Lainey named all the placeholder ducks.

And after recovery naps and lots of couch & movie lounging, we gathered again for dinner, this time in our church clothes that never make it to church.

Ending our holiday with “the good shot” after 24 takes where none of the kids are looking or two are exchanging potty jokes.  But this one…two out of three looking, we’ll take it!

Hope you all had a wonderful Easter. The countdown to summer is official.