A few months ago, on one of my weekly daily trips to Target, I got lured to the toy aisle by Dash who wanted to “just look” for ideas for his upcoming birthday. We started in the action figure aisle, made our way to Matchbox cars and finally turned a corner to land in the gun aisle–nerf guns and laser guns, to be exact–but enough of them to take up an entire four-shelf stretch. There were guns of all sizes–little ones that could fit in your pocket all the way up to guns that took up an entire arms span. There were guns with flashing lights and sound effects, guns with motorized blasters for foam darts, guns with impressive sounding features like “speed load” and “surge fire.” Dash’s eyes grew huge as he took in the wall of guns, and the search for a birthday present was suddenly over.

“Gun!” he squealed. “I want a gun! A really big gun! I want a gun, Mom! I want a gun!” There’s nothing like a 5-year-old screaming “I WANT A GUN!” so loud in Target that people in the produce aisle no doubt heard him. And as funny as it was, I couldn’t help but feel this tinge of discomfort. I knew it wasn’t wrong for him to want a nerf gun, but there was something about standing in an aisle full of nothing more than play guns, hearing my kid yell “GUN! I WANT A GUN!” that made me dig into that discomfort and what I needed to do about it. I talked to my friend Amy about it later because, not only does she have three boys (not that it’s limited to boys), but she also offers the most thoughtful advice when it comes to my big questions in parenting.

Amy’s back today with her husband Jeffrey, a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, to tackle the gun question in our blog series of parenting discussions with them. If you missed the first two posts, you can find their response to school lockdown drill concerns here and last week’s weight and body image discussion here. Amy and Jeffrey’s parenting book–about the six core needs every child has and every parent can meet–publishes next year (cannot WAIT!). Until then, I’m honored to share their wisdom and heart in this space.

My 5-year-old son’s birthday is coming up and all he wants is a nerf gun. He talks about it constantly, begging for it, but I feel torn about buying him a toy gun. I don’t want to disappoint him on his birthday, though. Help!
– Conflicted

Dear Conflicted, one of the most important things we can do as parents is learn to recognize and get comfortable with the feeling of tension you describe in your question. Because you’re a human and your son is his own person, too, you’ll feel this tension over and over again as he grows. Right now he’s asking for a nerf gun, and in the years to come he’ll want and ask for many other things you won’t be sure about and perhaps haven’t even considered. So when what he wants pulls you in a direction you’re not comfortable with, resist rushing to a decision. Instead, notice the pulling and get curious about it. Get still and listen to what the tension wants to show you. The discomfort is an invitation to learn more about your child and yourself, and it can to lead you somewhere important.

Your first task is to get inside your little one’s mind. What does he picture happening if your answer is yes and he gets the gun? And where is his ask coming from? Do other friends or kids he sees have nerf guns? Does he simply want to join in the play? Has he been captivated by cool commercials or flashy store displays? Think through whether the toy is something he truly wants or something that is being sold to him. It’s an important distinction.

Your second task is to get inside your own mind. What are you afraid might happen if you say yes? Be honest and specific about your fears. Are you worried that giving your son a nerf gun will encourage him to be violent? Do you have a history or experiences that would make pretend gun play in your home uncomfortable for you? Are you fearful about what other parents will think of you if they see your child with a play weapon? Are you scared or sad to give up the dream of the child you pictured raising, the one who was occupied for hours with homemade toys and wooden blocks? (Been there.) Say your fears out loud and listen to how they sound. Some will ring true, and some may lose their power when you examine them in the light.

If your child’s ask seems authentic and persists over time, but some of your fears also remain, reach out to others for help. There is wisdom in the village. Talk to other parents to find out what decisions they’ve made about this same issue. Have they shared your fears? And if so, what boundaries or rules did they set up around play guns that helped to ease some of their concerns?

We want our “yeses” to be wholehearted, because our children have a hard time separating our attitudes towards the things we let them have and do and our attitudes towards them. So if your fears are specific and lingering after you’ve examined them, talk to your son before you make your final decision. Using simple language, try to figure out if he is mature enough to accept the boundaries you’ll need to set around the toy. If it seems like your rules will be too difficult for him, then it may be time to wait. We set our relationships up for shame, resentment and future conflict if saying yes in the moment will lead to power struggles down the road.

Finally, remember that any answer of yes, no, or maybe-but-not-yet is not the end of the world. Generations of children have survived not getting what they wanted for their birthdays, just as generations of parents have grown by supporting their children in interests that didn’t match their own. Whatever you decide, you’ll both get through this decision. Letting the tension push you to wonder about your son and his world in new ways may teach you important things about yourself, too.

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You can connect more with the Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook. If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

Have some thoughts and insights about toy guns? I’d love to hear them! Or, if you have a parenting question you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle here in the coming weeks, please share in the comments!

Last week, I introduced my friends Amy and Jeffrey Olrick in the first of a series of parenting questions I’ll be sharing on the blog for the next several weeks. Jeffrey is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, and together with Amy–a writer, mother, advocate and fiercely loving friend–they’ve become an incredible resource for tough parenting situations not only for me but for many others who get to call them friends. Their parenting book about the six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet publishes next year. Until then, I’m honored to share their wisdom and heart in this space.

This question is a big one, one that will resonate with so many. In my family and friend circles alone, I’ve heard this question raised so many times in the last ten years and know countless women who’ve recalled their own struggles with weight and body image over the years, many of them heightened by comments from their parents. How do we set the stage as parents for healthy body image? How do we watch our girls’ bodies change over the years and provide nothing but love and radical acceptance? When we chose this question to tackle this week, I waited and watched my e-mail box, eager to read Jeffrey and Amy’s response. And when it came, it did as I suspected…it made me tear up and so feel inspired and committed to being nothing but love and a source of constant confidence for my girls as they grow.

My early teen daughter has begun gaining weight. How do I let her know that she’s beautiful and that weight doesn’t matter, but also help her make better choices? Should I get involved or ignore it?

I have several friends who had a weight problems growing up and have struggled with self-worth when they were teens. I don’t want my daughter to have to deal with that, but I also don’t want to cause further issues. How do I push against society’s standards of women’s beauty but also help her make healthy choices? — Wondering about Weight

Dear Wondering,

We want to ask you an honest question, one central to your own. If you were to gaze into a mirror right now, could you say this sentence with conviction?

I am beautiful.

Now, how about this one?

My daughter is beautiful, just as she is.

Do these statements feel true to you? We hope so. Because today, just as you are, you are beautiful. You always have been beautiful, even if we live in world that won’t let you believe that. Your daughter is beautiful, too, though countless external messages are telling her a different story. Those same messages may even be keeping you from fully accepting the beauty of your own child.

Since before our kids were born, we’ve been surrounded by product placements of carefully curated, airbrushed children. We’re constantly being sold an idea of what beautiful and healthy teenagers should look like and what we should value. But what society tells us is good is often not what is true.

On average, teenage girls gain about 15 pounds as they go through puberty. Teenage boys gain about 30. Their bodies are growing and stretching, often up and then out, then up again. In teenage girls, the fat they’re gaining prepares them to develop the hips, breasts and thighs of womanhood. Their bodies and their hormones are shifting all the time, and their brains are developing, too. Changes in their brains’ limbic and prefrontal cortex areas make emotions more intense and give teenagers the perception that everyone is looking at them and judging. Pair that with the fact that they’re growing up in a world that places huge value on social status and narrowly-defined beauty, and we begin to understand why it’s wise to broach the subject of physical appearance with tenderness and wisdom.

So before having any kind of conversation with your daughter about her weight and appearance, spend some time thinking about your our own fears, feelings and shame around this issue. Otherwise, you’ll risk handing an unresolved version of your struggles to her, under the guise of helping and in the language of I’m worried about you.

If there is any part of you that wants your daughter to lose weight because of how having a thinner kid would make you feel, start by acknowledging that to yourself. Then begin retraining your brain to notice the beauty of all the different sizes and shapes and skin tones of the people you pass on the street or in the grocery store. Look at gangly, pudgy or pimply teenagers with love and compassion. Start consuming media with a wide range of body sizes and ages and colors and abilities. As you marvel at the vastness of our human experience, you’ll open yourself up to a much broader understanding of all that is beautiful.

Then, if your daughter is in the wide range of normal—if she’s active and engaged and eating because she wants to, even if she isn’t making the healthiest choices, don’t talk about weight unless she brings it up. Just love her and focus your energies on supporting her interests in this sensitive time. Reflect back to her the beauty you see in her energy and creativity.

If she seems unhappy, disconnected, anxious, or withdrawn and is using food to cope with those feelings, talk with her what you’re observing. Try and understand what she’s experiencing. She needs your care and concern for her heartache and pain, not her weight or appearance. Affirm that it’s hard to be a teenager. Tell her that things will get better, and commit yourself to being with her along the way.

On your own, model a healthy relationship with food. Choose whole foods over processed and turn to things other than treats for comfort. Let her see you engaging in physical exercise you enjoy, and invite her to join you on activities like walks and bike rides. Try not to push her, because being overinvolved in her choices now could disempower her from making healthy choices later, when she’s more ready.

And if it’s your daughter who steers the conversation to weight and body image, ask her about the pressures she’s feeling. Where does she think the pressure comes from, and how does she think her life would be different if she were thinner? Talk to her about your own journey around weight and self-worth. What have you learned? What do you regret? What do you still struggle with? Teenagers can be moody and hard to understand sometimes, but they can also be funny and brilliant and have perspectives that add richly to our own. Listening to what your daughter has to say in response to your stories may strengthen your relationship in unexpected ways.

Whenever you can, steer the conversation about weight away from numbers, be it numbers on a scale or calories on a food label. Numbers can easily become a focus that leads to obsession. In fact, the simplest thing you can do for you and your daughter’s mental health around weight is to throw away the scale. Research shows that she is likely to feel less depressed and anxious and to have higher self-esteem as a result of that one revolutionary act.

Know this: We are our children’s first mirror. We are their first scale. They measure their worthiness in the weight of what we reflect back to them about themselves. If they sense disapproval from us about their bodies, they’ll internalize that judgment. It will confirm the wider world’s messages. But if we show them something different, we can help set them free.

You cannot control daughter’s choices or determine exactly how her life will go. But you can point her to a healthy future by being healthy yourself and empowering her to see her own beauty. With your words and your actions, give her a legacy that says:

You are beautiful, just as you are.

 

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You can connect more with the Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook. If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.