Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

Art in the Park

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This post is sponsored by Stonyfield.

At the end of the school year, we scramble–hustling to make it through and checking off the last of school responsibilities that seem to pile up all at once. I find myself waiting for the end to come, knowing celebratory relief is near; but I’ve forgotten a bit that any day is good for celebration, and I don’t have to wait for it to come.

This week, we created our own celebratory relief with an after school “Art in the Park.” I picked up Nella and Dash from school with the surprise announcement that we were headed straight to the park to make art and eat snacks, and you would have thought I had told them we were going to a theme park. Spontaneous adventures are their favorite. So are snacks.

Here’s what I packed for our little adventure:

A picnic basket with:

– Fresh cherries (I love how they their arrival to our grocery stores promises “Summer’s Coming!”)
– Stonyfield yogurt pouches – My kids love them, and I love that they are certified organic, made without toxic persistent pesticides or GMO’s. We always have Stonyfield yogurt pouches in our refrigerator–so easy to grab and go.
– Stonyfield snack packs (includes dipping pretzels and crackers when they’re hungry for a little more–which they always are after school)
– 2 clipboards (for a writing surface)
– a stack of white drawing paper
– watercolor paint palette
– paintbrushes
– a drawing/activity book
– a cup (to hold water for our paintbrushes)
– a bottle of water (to pour in the cup for watercolor paints and extra to drink)
– a blanket to sit on

There’s something about making art out in nature that’s extra special–the new perspective stretches your creativity a bit more.

…and the kids knew it was special. “Can we do this again?” Dash asked.

Completed masterpieces. We have been encouraging the kids to compliment each other’s work and pick out one thing they like about the other one’s work. Dash liked that Nella used a lot of different kinds of blue. Nella liked Dash’s “rainbow and big sun.”

When the kids were babies, I used to take a blanket outside in our side yard all the time–with a pile of books, snacks, toys. It’s such a special way to relax with the kids and an instant mood boost. We’ll be repeating Art in the Park more this summer–preferably up in Michigan where it’s not quite as hot and humid in the summer.

 

Wondering about Weight

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Last week, I introduced my friends Amy and Jeffrey Olrick in the first of a series of parenting questions I’ll be sharing on the blog for the next several weeks. Jeffrey is a clinical psychologist with over 20 years of experience working with children and families, and together with Amy–a writer, mother, advocate and fiercely loving friend–they’ve become an incredible resource for tough parenting situations not only for me but for many others who get to call them friends. Their parenting book about the six core needs that every child has and every parent can meet publishes next year. Until then, I’m honored to share their wisdom and heart in this space.

This question is a big one, one that will resonate with so many. In my family and friend circles alone, I’ve heard this question raised so many times in the last ten years and know countless women who’ve recalled their own struggles with weight and body image over the years, many of them heightened by comments from their parents. How do we set the stage as parents for healthy body image? How do we watch our girls’ bodies change over the years and provide nothing but love and radical acceptance? When we chose this question to tackle this week, I waited and watched my e-mail box, eager to read Jeffrey and Amy’s response. And when it came, it did as I suspected…it made me tear up and so feel inspired and committed to being nothing but love and a source of constant confidence for my girls as they grow.

My early teen daughter has begun gaining weight. How do I let her know that she’s beautiful and that weight doesn’t matter, but also help her make better choices? Should I get involved or ignore it?

I have several friends who had a weight problems growing up and have struggled with self-worth when they were teens. I don’t want my daughter to have to deal with that, but I also don’t want to cause further issues. How do I push against society’s standards of women’s beauty but also help her make healthy choices? — Wondering about Weight

Dear Wondering,

We want to ask you an honest question, one central to your own. If you were to gaze into a mirror right now, could you say this sentence with conviction?

I am beautiful.

Now, how about this one?

My daughter is beautiful, just as she is.

Do these statements feel true to you? We hope so. Because today, just as you are, you are beautiful. You always have been beautiful, even if we live in world that won’t let you believe that. Your daughter is beautiful, too, though countless external messages are telling her a different story. Those same messages may even be keeping you from fully accepting the beauty of your own child.

Since before our kids were born, we’ve been surrounded by product placements of carefully curated, airbrushed children. We’re constantly being sold an idea of what beautiful and healthy teenagers should look like and what we should value. But what society tells us is good is often not what is true.

On average, teenage girls gain about 15 pounds as they go through puberty. Teenage boys gain about 30. Their bodies are growing and stretching, often up and then out, then up again. In teenage girls, the fat they’re gaining prepares them to develop the hips, breasts and thighs of womanhood. Their bodies and their hormones are shifting all the time, and their brains are developing, too. Changes in their brains’ limbic and prefrontal cortex areas make emotions more intense and give teenagers the perception that everyone is looking at them and judging. Pair that with the fact that they’re growing up in a world that places huge value on social status and narrowly-defined beauty, and we begin to understand why it’s wise to broach the subject of physical appearance with tenderness and wisdom.

So before having any kind of conversation with your daughter about her weight and appearance, spend some time thinking about your our own fears, feelings and shame around this issue. Otherwise, you’ll risk handing an unresolved version of your struggles to her, under the guise of helping and in the language of I’m worried about you.

If there is any part of you that wants your daughter to lose weight because of how having a thinner kid would make you feel, start by acknowledging that to yourself. Then begin retraining your brain to notice the beauty of all the different sizes and shapes and skin tones of the people you pass on the street or in the grocery store. Look at gangly, pudgy or pimply teenagers with love and compassion. Start consuming media with a wide range of body sizes and ages and colors and abilities. As you marvel at the vastness of our human experience, you’ll open yourself up to a much broader understanding of all that is beautiful.

Then, if your daughter is in the wide range of normal—if she’s active and engaged and eating because she wants to, even if she isn’t making the healthiest choices, don’t talk about weight unless she brings it up. Just love her and focus your energies on supporting her interests in this sensitive time. Reflect back to her the beauty you see in her energy and creativity.

If she seems unhappy, disconnected, anxious, or withdrawn and is using food to cope with those feelings, talk with her what you’re observing. Try and understand what she’s experiencing. She needs your care and concern for her heartache and pain, not her weight or appearance. Affirm that it’s hard to be a teenager. Tell her that things will get better, and commit yourself to being with her along the way.

On your own, model a healthy relationship with food. Choose whole foods over processed and turn to things other than treats for comfort. Let her see you engaging in physical exercise you enjoy, and invite her to join you on activities like walks and bike rides. Try not to push her, because being overinvolved in her choices now could disempower her from making healthy choices later, when she’s more ready.

And if it’s your daughter who steers the conversation to weight and body image, ask her about the pressures she’s feeling. Where does she think the pressure comes from, and how does she think her life would be different if she were thinner? Talk to her about your own journey around weight and self-worth. What have you learned? What do you regret? What do you still struggle with? Teenagers can be moody and hard to understand sometimes, but they can also be funny and brilliant and have perspectives that add richly to our own. Listening to what your daughter has to say in response to your stories may strengthen your relationship in unexpected ways.

Whenever you can, steer the conversation about weight away from numbers, be it numbers on a scale or calories on a food label. Numbers can easily become a focus that leads to obsession. In fact, the simplest thing you can do for you and your daughter’s mental health around weight is to throw away the scale. Research shows that she is likely to feel less depressed and anxious and to have higher self-esteem as a result of that one revolutionary act.

Know this: We are our children’s first mirror. We are their first scale. They measure their worthiness in the weight of what we reflect back to them about themselves. If they sense disapproval from us about their bodies, they’ll internalize that judgment. It will confirm the wider world’s messages. But if we show them something different, we can help set them free.

You cannot control daughter’s choices or determine exactly how her life will go. But you can point her to a healthy future by being healthy yourself and empowering her to see her own beauty. With your words and your actions, give her a legacy that says:

You are beautiful, just as you are.

 

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You can connect more with the Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook. If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.

What If I’m Not Looking Forward to Summer?

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We officially hung our Summer Bucket List (this year it’s in my Once Upon A Summer guide PDF!) on our living room wall yesterday even though we are two weeks away from the finish line. We just wanted to see it to help us stay motivated to keep running. I made sure there’s a clear shot of the bucket list from the counter where I make the kids’ lunches in the morning because: Eye on the Prize. The kids noticed the list as soon as they walked in the door from school yesterday and came running to excitedly point out all the things they’re looking forward to.

Which brings me to the question…Are you looking forward to summer? Because, if the thought of summer doesn’t have you dreaming of skipping in a field of wildflowers with your children and delighting in the fact that you get to be with them ALL DAY LONG (cue heart rate increase), that’s absolutely perfectly normal and okay. Part of the reason why I so put so much of my heart into summer and making a big deal of our bucket list is to counteract the reality of the white flag I know I will be waving some days. Making a plan and writing down simple delights we want to experience together helps me remember that summer isn’t about delivering an over-the-top magical experience for my kids. It’s about enjoying things myself–simple things like pulling over to pick wildflowers or initiating a hotel room pillow fight on vacation–and inviting my kids to enjoy those things with me.

I received the following direct message this week:

I bought your summer guide and am so excited to look through it. I am assuming (maybe I’m wrong) your family has rough days where kids don’t listen, they argue and fight just like mine. We are planning an at home summer of togetherness, and I’m wondering if you have any tips on regrouping and redirecting everyone into a fun and enjoyable day? It’s my biggest worry for the summer. Sometimes it’s so hard to stop once they are on the bad day train.

I know this is relatable to so many, so I’ll offer a collective AMEN! from the congregation and throw in my suggestions. But first:

Hell hath no fury like a mom who dreamed up a glorious summer in her head and watched her dream burn in flames when her family effed it up on the first day of summer with their fighting and complaining and refusal to smile for a picture at the farmer’s market which they all think is boring and dumb.

If you’re like me, moments like these trigger dramatic conversations in my head that sound like: My family is the Worst and What did I do wrong? 

Don’t worry, you did nothing wrong. Some things that are helpful to me in moments like these:

1)  HUMOR! Laugh at the reality of parenting. Text your best friend or your sister and tell them about the day going to hell. They’ll likely text back a funny gif and tell you about their kids who are acting worse than yours. My best friend Heidi and I have countless stories of adventures we took our kids on with dreamy aspirations only to be disappointed with how much they didn’t appreciate it as much as we did. We don’t let that bring us down though. We make jokes about how horrible we are because we actually wanted to spend time with the kids, and we make sure the kids see us laughing and continuing on. Most of the time, our happiness is contagious, and the kids come around (If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.).

2) Create a code word or phrase that brings everyone together. This year, we designated a silly random word that represents a white flag when things are escalating and emotions are rising. Anyone can yell it to signal to everyone that we need to stop talking, take a breath and regroup before we regret saying something we didn’t intend to say or losing our cool. The sillier the word, the better. Create a game plan for how the word will be used. Maybe everyone stops talking and runs to the couch for 60 seconds of silence. Or perhaps it’s a signal for a 2-minute dance break.

3) You set the tone. Our kids follow our lead. I’m passionate about one thing when it comes to summer–it is as much about me enjoying moments and having fun as it is about delivering enjoyment and fun to my kids. Kids are far more likely to truly enjoy a moment or an experience when they see you loving it too. Talk about how much you’re loving simple things. Your enthusiasm will rub off on them.

4) The power of spontaneity. It’s my favorite tool in parenting and has cured so many bad days. Do something crazy. When things have felt out of control and need a little attitude defibrillation, I’ve actually yelled, “Everybody, get in the car now! Surprise destination!” to get everyone excited and running to the car when really, I have zero idea what that surprise will be and have to figure it out once we get driving. But it’s worked. And it doesn’t have to be a destination. You can call “pajama day” at 1:00 in the afternoon and summon everyone to the living room for a movie. Or create a challenge–give your kids a recipe and tell them they have to host their own cooking show in the kitchen. Let them record video of it and debut their show to the family that evening.

5) Know you’re not alone. In those moments where plans have failed and the house is a mess and no one seems happy, know that for every mom posting a perfect summer vacation moment on social media, there are three moms who are standing in their kitchen wondering what they hell they are doing wrong. Just because a few hours are a wash doesn’t mean your entire summer is a wash. You still hold the reigns, and the opportunities for meaningful summer memories are still plenty. The wildflower field will welcome you when you’re ready, and at the end of the day–even the bad ones–you can still tiptoe out to lie in the back yard, look up at the stars and know that summer’s goodness is there for you. When your mind is feeding you scarcity, counteract it with abundance. There is more.

For more summer inspiration, an epic summer bucket list and lots of creative, simple ideas to bring joy to your summer, check out Once Upon a Summer, a PDF guide. I poured my summer-loving heart into it.