Enjoying the Small Things

Enjoying the Small Things

The New Member of the Family: Friday

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It’s been five days now that we have loved on the new member of our family, a puppy we (okay, I) decided to add to the already demanding back to school transition. What’s one more thing?

His name is Friday Hopper Hampton–Friday because Lainey fell in love with the name and was completely committed (even though he came with the name Brinkley, and I petitioned to keep it because of You’ve Got Mail), and Hopper for the fine strapping man that is Chief Hopper in Stranger Things whom I fell in love with after slipping into the abyss of a 3-season binge-watch marathon over the summer (I know, I’m late to the game). I remembered after Lainey named him that Mr. Rogers’ puppet is King Friday, and so now he is King Friday to me. Other nicknames include Small Fry, Stir Fry and Freaky Friday when he’s speed-running figure eights in the living room at 5 am.

The plan after Latte died has always been to add a puppy to our family after the summer. Since that had already been agreed upon, I took the liberty of surprising the family (Lainey was in on the surprise a few days before). And by surprising the family, I mean I walked into the house at 10:30 at night while Brett was watching T.V., and I said “Oh hey, this is Friday. Surprise!” His reaction is something I will tuck away in the 1000 Reasons Why I Love Him box that carries me through the harder moments of marriage. He laughed–shook his head and laughed for a good several minutes, holding Nella’s hand with one hand and reaching out to pet the puppy with the other and a sweet little “Hey Buddy.” Five minutes later, he called the puppy to sit on the couch with him and watch T.V. Go Google “Dads and Dogs Memes.” You’re welcome.

And the moment the puppy was placed in Lainey’s arms earlier that night? Tears pooled as I watched a little part of her that has been sleeping reawaken. It was an electric moment I will never ever forget.

I loved Sophie and Latte, but I don’t think I realized their impact on our home and family until they were gone and the grief of a pet loss felt bigger than I imagined it would. The dogs were our family for as long as we’ve been a family, and the space without them has felt so different. It is nice to hear paws tapping on the floors again, nice to restore the dog food jar’s true purpose, nice to walk into Lainey’s bedroom and see paws draped over her legs while she reads. After losing our dogs, I love this puppy so much more knowing what he will become in our memories…a legend.

As for how the last five days have gone, it’s exactly like having a toddler in the house. We are crate training (like letting your kid cry it out in his crib), and the kids get so sad when he cries. I take him out about 27 times a day, yet he’s matched that in presents he’s left for us in the house: “Mom! I made you something! Mom! Look what I made you! Mom! Mom! Mom! Handmade present, office floor, go get it!”

Safety Dad™ has added Friday to his roster of Lives He Must Keep Safe, instructing me very seriously on the dangers in our house that could hurt him. And Dash. Oh heavens. A puppy is one thing. Dash with a puppy is a monster of a responsibility of its own.

I’ve found Dash locked in the dog crate with the puppy on at least five occasions. “He wanted me.”

Five of Nella’s Barbies are now missing hands, three heaps of Friday-marked laundry are piled in front of the washer, one sandal is missing, and Mrs. Hedgehog turned her entire home to face the wall to prevent B&E and missing property. Puppy training advice welcome!!!

But then we have this:

…which makes it all worth it.

Everything We Need for Back to School and a Best Backpacks Round-Up

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We are back to school next week, so this week is dedicated to all the preparation for a smooth start. I nest for back to school like a third trimester pregnant woman, stocking the homework cart, the refrigerator, the pantry; organizing the drawers, the backpack closet, the desk space. We choose first day of school outfits (round-ups coming later this week), backpacks and new tennis shoes with passion, and I fuss over silly little details like finding the cutest backpack charms as if it matters because when you’re starting something new and dealing with little fears as a kid, everything matters. On Lainey’s first day of kindergarten, I scoured our entire city–all day long–for the most perfect pair of kindergarten sneakers as an emotional escape to big life transitions. We all have our way of figuring things out–mine tends to involve new shoes.

I’ve been doing the back-to-school thing now for seven years, and it never fails to excite me–the smell of freshly sharpened pencils, the thrill of Meet the Teacher night, the sight of little backpacks lined against the wall on the night before the first day. Seven years in, I’ve also acquired several hacks–tips and tricks to make the school year easier and mornings smoother as well as some products we love that we use every day for school.

1 – Continuous Spray Water Bottle and Wet Brush
This spray bottle is a lifesaver for all the kids’ hair in the morning. It wets it with a continuous spray to smooth out the flyaways and makes doing hair so much easier. I drop a few drops of lice prevention essential oils in ours (I use rosemary and lavender) which also makes it smell good. The wet brush is the best brush for removing tangles. If you do morning hair in the kitchen, store a basket of hair essentials in a kitchen drawer for easy access.
2 – Minted Labels
We buy these every year (unless we have leftover from the year before), and they are wonderful for labeling lunch boxes, water bottles, etc. They stay on in the dishwasher too and peel off easily when you want to switch them out.
3 – Fit & Fresh Soft Ice Packs
These ice packs won’t leak or break and, because they’re soft and flexible, fit into lunch boxes better than the hard bulky ones. Also–sweatproof nylon!
4 – Retro Backpack Charms
Such a cute way to personalize backpacks and add a little fun. This set comes with a bunch to choose from, so you can switch out charms as often as you like.

5 – Best Lunch Box Ever book and Little Bento Box idea book
It’s every school lunch-making mom’s dream–so many creative lunch ideas in one place with inspiring pictures and grocery shopping help!

6 – Squirrel Pocket Hand Sanitizer Holder Clip  or Barking Hot Dog Holder Clip
A cute way to have hand sanitizer close by at school as kids enter the germfest again–backpack clips that hold pocket size hand sanitizers (or “hanitizer” as Dash calls it) from Bath & Body Works. They clip right in. Back to school calls for this Fall Traditions Hand Sanitizer Set.

7 – 6-pack Dance Shorts
Nella loves wearing skirts to school but doesn’t think twice about making sure her undies don’t show. She’s going into third grade and to protect her dignity and make sure we don’t give her an unneeded reason for kids to poke fun, I make sure she has a stash of privacy shorts for skirt days.
8 – Green Savvy Reusable Snack Bags
Great environment-friendly alternative to sandwich bags. They’re durable, cute and can be washed and reused over and over.
9 – Our Fave Hair Accessories
Colorful Ball Hair Ties – I do Nella’s hair in a lot of twosies styles–2 buns, 2 pigtails, 2 braids, etc. These are inexpensive and super cute for finishing it off.
Giddy Up and Grow Felt Barrettes – My favorite girls hair accessory splurge shop. Everything’s handmade with adorable details. We bought these strawberry clips for the school year and to add to our Giddy Up and Grow collection.
10-pack Corduroy Bow Alligator Clips – The cost of bow clips can ADD UP. This set is inexpensive and yet pretty and classic.
10 – Snug Flasks
Nella and Dash take these water bottles to school every day. They last forever, are dishwasher safe, and are easy to keep at their desk.
11 – Family First Day Bracelets
First days of school involve a lot of nerves and the unknown. Each member of our family wears a bracelet the first day to remind our family that we are thinking of each other and that we are supporting each other’s capabilities and confidence. These also work great for test days, interview days, etc. and are just as meaningful to adults as they are for kids. We’ve done cord bracelets and rubber bracelets but this year couldn’t give up our summer camp vibes, so friendship bracelets it is.
This cart has SAVED us in terms of creating a homework space. I’ve designated different areas of our house for study, but nothing really lasted until we made this cart our school headquarters. We keep it right in the middle of our house–between the kitchen and living room–and have it stocked with everything the kids need for studies–electric pencil sharpener, pencils, notebook paper, math manipulative, crayons, glue, educational games, site word cards, etc. The wheels make it portable, so we can move it wherever we want–great for when tutors come over.
And finally, a backpack round-up! This year’s favorites:

1 – College Vintage Backpack
I got these for Nella and Dash this year, and I’m obsessed. They’re so cute, perfectly sized and completely functional for what they bring to and from school.

2 – Zara Monster Backpack
How cute is this? The little zipper eye pockets! This is a little bit smaller than big kid backpacks and perfect for preschool and kindergarten.

3 – J Crew Sequin Shake-up Bag
Every little girl’s dream bag! See through, sparkles and tons of shake-up sequins. J Crew quality, so you know it’s good!

4 – Rockets of Awesome State Bag
State bags have become iconic in the backpack world–classic style and great quality. Love this rainbow stripe version in collaboration with Rockets of Awesome.

5 – Vans Color Block Bag
Great for any age, especially the Vans-loving preteen.

6 – Classic Herschel Retreat Backpack
This is Lainey’s pick for this year. We’ve been Herschel fans for years. Their backpacks last forever and feature red pinstripe waterproof lining.

7 – Adidas National 3-stripe Backpack
Sporty vibes, comfy fit, classic Adidas style.

8 – Dinosaur Backpack 
Cat & Jack has so many cute backpacks this year! I love the fun print on this year and the complementing dinosaur zipper charm.

9 – Fjallraven Kanken
Classic European Style. I bought my first Fjallraven backpack this year, and I’m sold for life. I’ve been carrying mine every day instead of a purse for months now. And SO MANY COLORS.

10 – Jansport White Backpack (to D.I.Y. your own design!)
For the artist. No one will have the same backpack as you if you design your own. Grab some permanent markers and go wild.

11 – Americana Backpack
Another Cat & Jack homerun. Simple unisex design, great for any age.

12 – Emily & Merrit Bunny Backpack
This makes me wish my girls were still in preschool. They would have LOVED this sweet bunny bag.

13 – Deer Mum Penguin Backpack
I’m a sucker for cute penguins. Love the simplicity of this bag and yet still whimsical and fun.

14 – State Kane Backpack
A bit pricey, but amazing quality and classic State style. Also available in so many patterns and color combinations.

15 – Lands End Planet Backpack
Super functional–roomy, comfy, pockets, affordable and yet stylish. I love fun patterns like this that aren’t too “little kiddish.”

Sibling Rivalry

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If there was ever a time for today’s parenting question, it’s the beginning of summer–marked by picnics, popsicles, s’mores, flip-flops…and the beginning of sibling fights that will, at least 12 times this season, put us all over the edge. Sibling fights lead me to one of my favorite parenting quotes of all time…”I can’t do this anymore.” Jeffrey and Amy of Growing Connected tackle sibling rivarly today in our series of parenting questions with them, and I am here for it.

My kids seem to fight constantly. They can be so mean to each other! I feel like I’m constantly mediating and sorting out their differences, and sometimes I just want to walk away. But I worry they will grow up hating each other if I don’t help them smooth things over. My siblings and I are so close, and I don’t want them to miss out on that. — Losing it

Dear Losing it,

Of course you want to walk away. Being in the middle of your children’s wars with each other can be absolutely miserable. And constant conflict between the people you love most can make your days feel grey, long and difficult. So we’re going to share some things we’ve learned and tools that seem to help, but if today you need to close a door and just try to be alone for awhile, please go ahead and do that. You and your kids have a lifetime to figure out how to communicate with each other. In the long run, you’ll love them best by taking care of yourself, too, especially when things feel hard.

Most parents of multiple kids face sibling conflicts on a daily basis, and they worry over what those fights will mean for their children’s relationships down the road. It’s very hard to sort out when and how to step into their battles. Of course there isn’t one right thing to do for every family, every time. But if we step back and look at the big picture, some principles can guide us.

First, know that conflict is a normal and even healthy part of life.Wherever there are people sharing lives and space with each other, there are going to be hurt feelings, offenses, and annoyances. Learning how to navigate these hard things will serve your kids very well later in life.

Second, unless one of your children is targeting the other in a cruel or abusive way, there is no reason to believe that your kids’ future relationships will be defined by the way they’re fighting today.

Children haven’t lived long enough, and their brains aren’t developed enough, to understand what’s going on behind people’s actions. They often grossly misread others’ thoughts, feelings and emotions—the real reasons people act as they do. Kids usually don’t fully understand their own thoughts and emotions, either.

But you know your kids’ hurts and biases, and you can often guess why they have a particularly strong reaction to something. So your fully-developed adult brain can help your kids see conflict in ways that they are not yet able to see for themselves. You do this by imagining with them what they and their siblings might be experiencing in moments of conflict. The scientific term for this is “mentalizing,” and it is an essential life skill for building and maintaining fulfilling relationships.

For instance, after a fight, you could say something like this to one child: “Your sister shouldn’t have hit you, but I wonder if she was feeling left out because you didn’t want to play with her today. I noticed you shutting the door on her a lot. I remember feeling left out by my older brother when I was her age.”

And to your other child, you might say, “I’m wondering if you hit your brother because you were feeling sad that he didn’t want to play with you today. I can understand feeling like that, but is hitting the way to handle it? What could you have done instead?”

Inviting your children to wonder about another person’s experience is a skill that will serve them well throughout their lives, so it never hurts to take a compassionate guess about what they are thinking or feeling. Even if you’re wrong, your guesses will give your kids insight that could take them years to grow into otherwise.

Once your kids have a better idea about what each one of them has brought to their fight, they can often find a solution themselves. So when conflicts come up, help them imagine what the other one might be thinking, and then send them to a couch or a room together to work out their own solution. If it helps, give them an incentive for reconciliation that works for both of them. We’ll go to the park after you work this out, or No one will play with the dinosaur until you find a way to share it. When siblings are stuck in the same boat, you’ll be surprised how quickly they find a way to move forward. But if they expect you to take sides and announce a verdict, all their energy will go toward convincing you that they are right and the other person is wrong.

Then, in the quiet moments between storms, remind your kids that you’re all on the same team. Gather together over meals, tell and retell family stories, and celebrate each others’ accomplishments. When something hard happens to one of them, ask the others to talk about similar things that have happened to them. Sharing experiences of pain or embarrassment can build closeness and bring hurting kids comfort.

It’s also amazing to see how much hurt falls away when people tell us that they love and appreciate us. Ask your kids to share what they like about each other. If you don’t think they’ll be able to think of anything to say on their own, prepare them ahead of time. Tonight at bedtime we’re going to be sharing things we all love about each other. Can you think of three things you love about your sister? Or something great you saw her do today? Do you want me to help you think so you’ll be ready? Teaching your children to see value and beauty in the people they find most difficult is another skill that will serve them well throughout their lives. And all of these acts of solidarity work on us at a deep and enduring level, giving us an identity and assuring us that we have a place to belong.

If your kids continually struggle despite your help, it may be a sign of deeper disconnection. Sometimes personalities simply clash. Or age, life-stage, and developmental differences make relationships hard. Also, traumatic things can happen within the walls of our homes, in our own families. Especially if you suspect that there might be some deeper pain or harm going on between your kids, make time to be present for each of them one-on-one. A walk after dinner, ten minutes of sitting in the car before school, or a few moments of quiet conversation at bedtime can give you a window of understanding into your kids’ experiences and a better idea of how to help them.

It’s the patterns of love and respect we build over a lifetime that chart our families’ paths, not the inevitable hard patches. So go ahead and disengage when you need to, set boundaries when your children are clearly out of line, and give them insight about themselves and each other when they’re stuck. Life won’t ever be perfect or conflict-free, but, over time,we truly believe things will get better.

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You can connect more with the Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick on their site, Growing Connected, and follow them on Instagram @growingconnected or Facebook. If you have a parenting question or issue you’d like Amy and Jeffrey to tackle, feel free to leave it in the comments. You can also sign up for their newsletter where they share more questions, answers and encouragement for any parent seeking more connection with their kids.