Turning it Off

July 18, 2011 By Kelle

Half way through my pregnancy with Lainey, when the morning sickness was over and my middle had transformed from a summer squash to a small honeydew, I signed up for a yoga class with my friend Stephanie. It was an after-school enrichment class, primarily made up of teachers and held in the large music room of an elementary school. Through twists and lunges and chair poses, we sighed, whispered small talk and tried our best not to disrupt those deep in meditation. But one afternoon, there we were—stretching on all fours, blood rushing to our faces, ponytails grazing our mats—and someone let one rip. It was loud and startling, undeniably recognized by everyone in the room, yet our stretches continued, guided by the steadfast focus of our experienced instructor who, unlike myself, remained mature and unphased.

“And breathe,” she calmly coached. “Four and five and six and seven and eight—and Relax.” Seriously? We’re going to pretend that didn’t just happen? I looked over at Stephanie whose head was down and shoulders shaking. I felt a hard laugh brewing within and forced myself to find an off button. “Don’t. You. Dare.” I chided myself. Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off. But, like a fourteen-year-old boy listening to a woman warble off tune in church, I began shaking in attempt to frantically stifle my laughter. I tried a back-up approach, replaying in my mind the sad scene from Where the Red Fern Grows when Little Ann dies, but it didn’t work and I was instead forced to run to the bathroom in the middle of a downward dog so I could, much like the poor victim of this story, let it out. In the confinement of a fourth grade bathroom stall, I laughed until tears rolled down my cheeks, practiced a few serious faces in the mirror and finally stoically returned to class, taking my place next to Stephanie for the cool-down. With my eyes closed and my nose pressed to my knees in a deep stretch, I silently envied everyone else in the room—how they held it together, acted their ages and found their off buttons when I couldn’t find mine.

Oh, if only it could always be as easy as stifling a laugh during yoga. Finding the off button for other emotions—sadness, self- doubt, discontentment, anxiety, edginess, etc.—is far more complicated than visualizing a dog dying in a film from your childhood; in fact, that might make it worse. You know how many times I’ve admitted to Brett I was feeling anxious or worried or self-analyzing too much and he smiled proudly—as if he’d thought of the one solution I hadn’t—and said, “That’s an easy one, Babe. Just shake it off.” Because men can shake off the emotions women struggle with so easily. But if it was job stress, financial anxiety, vehicle problems—well, that’s another story. Maybe I should suggest he schedule a play date brunch with his buddies so he can talk our rising insurance payments over coffee. He could cry a little bit, they could validate him with their insurance stories and then one of his guys could offer to take the kids for a bit so Brett could go get a pedicure or walk through Anthropologie for some visual therapy. I’m sure he hasn’t thought of that one, and of course it would make him feel better.

My point is, lately my mind’s been racing with silly no-good feelings, I’ve had a hard time focusing, and I haven’t been able to turn it off. In cooking, you can add salt to compensate for too much sugar, but in real life there is no tried and true ingredient that magically dissolves a “bad taste.”

Heidi relies on Oprah’s theory of white light, which—bear with me for the unicorns about to unleash themselves—is basically an imagery technique where, whenever you feel uncomfortable, anxious, in a situation where good and lovely aren’t the default emotions, you imagine all the good and love inside you as a white light beaming so brightly from you, people have to shield themselves. Funny? Maybe, but I swear it is empowering. So much that Heidi and I— when we’ve expressed to each other that we’re just not feeling it—will text pictures such as THIS with messages like “Let that b@#ch shine,” which is a modern, twisted take on the less offensive Sunday school version with the same message—“This Little Light of Mine.” Personally, I like my version better. If nothing else, it makes us laugh.

And oh, am I rambling.

While I naturally search for a button to turn off feelings I assume aren’t good, I am realizing that feeling it all—even if it ain’t rainbows and unicorns—is important. Doubt and Anxiety might not be dressed as attractively as Confidence and Contentment, but they do bring insight. And when they are gone, the new Confidence and Contentment that brew are even better than before. Feelings need to be embraced—all of them. And the not-so-hot ones are a bit like German cockroaches. Killing one doesn’t end the problem. You have to go to the source. Feel it, examine it, trudge through it and move on with the assurance that an emotional buffet that includes a variety of feelings is necessary and good for growth.

I embrace the cycle. And breathe. Four and five and six and seven and eight….and Relax.

Namaste.

With a Sunday sermon out of the way, Monday carries on with a look back at the weekend:

My niece is here, and I rather like the scene of cousins on the couch, cousins in the pool, cousins dodging waves at the beach. And I like to say cousins because we don’t get to experience it as often as we like, so when we do, we make sure to chisel the importance of the occasion by gushing things like “Aw, Cousins” as much as possible.

Thankfully, we’ve captured a few moments, extending them past the eight days we get to keep her.

And a stay would not be complete without a photo shoot in the woods. When this girl was born twelve years ago, my world revolved around her. It is a wonder I ever graduated as I missed a lot of classes to be with her.

This weekend, I discovered the phenomenon that is…Dance Dance Revolution.

There will be more of this in our home for sure. I will conquer levels. I will master this game. How could I not have played it until now?

*****

Lainey was clingy and feverish this weekend and while no mama likes her baby to be sick, I relish the opportunity to be needed, to spoon her warm body a little closer and kiss hot cheeks repeatedly.

That star on her cheek? The tattoo from hell. Lasted a week and outlived three scrubbings, a few tablespoons of baby oil and three cottonballs of makeup remover.

After a day of rest and several episodes of Little Bear, her boundless energy has returned.

We joined friends and Poppa and Gary for a beach lunch today at Doc’s, the only place in town where you can eat oceanside in your bathing suit without fancy diners tsk-tsk-ing you. Doc’s is old-school cafeteria style eating–messy burgers in paper baskets and cold Cokes in plastic cups. We tiptoed over the sharp shell carpet and swam under Crayola blue skies, and it felt good to be out where nothing else matters but catching up with Nella’s speedy crab crawl before the waves knocked her down or rescuing Lainey’s sunhat from the steady current.

*****

Energetic outside adventures are contrasted nicely with mellow home ones. Night swims, peach pie a la mode and The Glee Project.

*****

Finally, last night I had the privilege to photograph the vow renewal ceremony of our friends from Holland. Concerns heightened as gray clouds rolled in right as we were gathering on the beach, but it proved to be an unexpected gift. It was special–the way everyone finally gave in to run along the shore in the rain, hair dripping, clothes clinging. During the ceremony, I couldn’t help but smile at how many times their grown kids stopped to hug and kiss on their parents. It was inspiring.

*****

The giveaway winners for the $30 gift certificates, courtesy of Linkel Designs are:

Comment #172, Anne Lightner: ok i love the idea of teaching to cope with disappointment! i am one to not say something to my kids until i know for sure it will happen, but you are so right when you said its just a part of life! ps cute shoes in the pic of nella in the mirror!

and Comment #277, Christy: I love that Nella is missing a shoe in the robot hand picture. My daughter is always missing a shoe and for some reason, it slays me!

Congratulations, Anne & Christy. Please e-mail your info to kellehamptonblog@comcast.net so you can start shopping!

*****

I’m excited to launch our new sponsor, La Luce Designs. Their fabulous, handmade accessories for both mamas and kids are great conversation pieces and create unique, fun looks.

From L to R: The Harlow (my favorite!), The Dakota, and The Rosario.

Accessories are sturdy and well-made. My Harlow took a beating from Nella the other day after she raided my purse, and you’d never know it.

Left, Sienna ring. Right, The Sophia (specify color and size)

Use Code KELLE for 10% off your order, and one comment will be randomly selected to win a $35 gift certificate, courtesy of La Luce Designs (announced in Wednesday’s post). Happy Shopping.

*****

I’ll be back tomorrow with a special post.
Have a fabulous Monday.

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