Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
~Mary Oliver

I sit here rubbing my tired eyes, moving aside the half-filled coffee cups on my desk to make room for my elbows. Sophie’s curled up and snoring beneath my chair and I can hear Captain Sig in the background whooping over a crab-stuffed pot (445 to be exact) from the Deadliest Catch rerun Brett is watching. And I’m attempting to arrange some sort of orderly thought structure on what it is I want to drop into the void here tonight, but there’s so much.

I could write about how Lainey found a dusty pacifier hidden in a pile of junk under the bed tonight before bed, and how after she cried and begged, I came this freaking close to giving it to her. I could write about how Nella had a blood draw yesterday and that, after an hour of three different nurses probing needles into her searching for a vein and my poor bunny’s gasps and cries, I was this freaking close to scooping her up and running like hell.

But I faithfully come back to this wild and precious life thing.

Because I am in the habit of asking myself what it is I want to do with this wild and precious life now every day. And sometimes the answer is as simple as making brownies and finishing a load of laundry. Or perhaps a very unpoetic go to Costco and peel the dried gum out of the car seat. But then again, the unpoetic answers are always balanced with the more beautiful ones.

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I plan to have elaborate tea parties with my girl.

With real sugar. And real cups. The good ones. Tipped back with a proper pinky-out, of course.

I plan to drag pails and soap and hoses out to the yard so my girl can wash a little dog in the afternoon sun.

And when the little dog jumps ship, runs and feriously shakes sprays of sudsy water, I will laugh with my girl…because this is very, very funny indeed.

I plan to meet up with friends at the pool and take turns zooming through water slide tunnels, screaming and laughing all the while.

I plan to stop fretting about sunscreen reapplications and how hot it is and who’s missing a nap and instead sit back and enjoy the moment…

I plan to laugh at the sight of my girl walking with her friend and her friend’s sweet cheeks.

I plan to head to the beach after the afternoon storm to watch my girls sink their pink toes into the white sands of our little heaven.

I’ve spent many a days in church over my life. I know and respect many faiths. I’ve listened to people declare their beliefs, defend their beliefs, question their beliefs. And I’ve declared my own beliefs, defended my own beliefs, questioned my own beliefs. And over the years, my faith has ripened to something bigger. And my blog is not the place for its logistics. Except to say that if I had to sum up what I believe about God and faith and all of it, it might be in those very words…what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Because these moments?

These moments make me feel closer to God than any church ever could. These moments make me feel like, for all the times I’ve tried to figure it out…for all the years I wanted to know what it was really all about and what’s right and what’s not, I got it now.

We are all different. And we all have different beliefs and ways of life, but I feel the more I open myself up to learn from others, to drink in moments like this, to love my kids, to watch a sunset, to be grateful for all of it, to do something with my one wild and precious life…the more I know God.

It’s going to the beach, the woods, the park, the mountains, the store, the classroom, the office, a friend’s house, your parents’ house, your child’s house, your own house…searching for the marrow of life, and sucking the bejesus out of it. It’s the moment you held your arms out to welcome these flailing, crying tiny little creatures that fit deep into your grasp but even deeper into your heart. It’s loving your kids with every fiber of your being.

It’s in accepting that we are unfinished projects and in loving the finishing challenges that lie ahead. It’s in happiness.

And that’s it.

And while I didn’t intend this post to go the inspirational route, let me close by saying I didn’t really come this-freaking-close to giving Lainey that dusty pacifier. I let her have it. The fairies will do another swipe-through tomorrow.

…and thanks to Dig for introducing me to that Mary Oliver poem so long ago. xoxo

My house has about twenty of these hidden in various nooks:

Little piles of random junk. Barrettes. Polly Pocket shoes. Plastic lizards. Broken pieces of dollhouse furniture. And although I know, yes, it’s alright to throw this stuff away, I just shut down when I find them. Random piles of I-don’t-know-what-to-do-with-this overwhelm me and paralyze any cleaning frenzy I might have had going.

Ebb is withering away, making room for Flow’s bags. And Flow is slowly unpacking. It’s going to be a good stay…I can tell.

It started in the kitchen with my girl running to open her special drawer where her aprons are folded and waiting. She wanted cupcakes. We didn’t have a box mix so we settled for the cookbook. But then we didn’t have regular flour so we settled for whole wheat. But then we didn’t have buttermilk so we settled for whole milk with lemon juice. But then we didn’t have butter so we settled for Crisco. And the moral of this story is that our cupcakes tasted like crap. But then, it really didn’t matter, did it? We stirred and poured, measured and mixed, and as I watched her manage the electric beaters on her own for the first time, all proud and smiling, I couldn’t have cared less how our cupcakes tasted.

I’m always amazed how this having kids thing is so much better than I thought it would be. And I thought it would be really, really good, so that’s saying something. That’s saying that watching the culmination of your cells happily breathe life right before your eyes and having a front row seat to their wonder of the world is nothing short of pure bliss.

Pure Bliss Times Two.

We spent good time with friends this week. Time where I’d quietly sneak into the room where Baylee and Lainey were playing just to be a fly on the wall…to listen to toddler chatter and watch these precious little girls make up stories about their dolls, sing made-up songs and take turns bossing each other around.

And it isn’t a day if our girls don’t get a chance to create.

Lainey’s summer gills are in rare form as she and daddy take a swim almost every evening. She holds her breath, dunks right under the water and then swims fast and sleek like a little eel as far as she can go before the blonde head pops up with a smile with those funny little goggles. She’s doing fabulously.

And tonight, right before the sun set…right when the scent of barbecue smoke from Friday night cook-outs went dancing through the neighborhood…right when the pavement cooled to barefoot conditions, we headed out for a Family Walk, as Lainey calls it. She pedals away on her trike while we push Nella behind her. Sometimes, when she gets crazy, she pedals backwards until she bumps the stroller which sends her into fits of giggles.

We walked to the lake where it was cool and quiet. We searched for fish, threw sticks along the muddy edge and hunted bushes and bark for skittering lizards.

One of my favorite chidren’s books of all time is All the Places to Love. I’ve read it to Lainey many times, and over these last three years, I’ve written descriptions of all our special “places” under the front cover. There is, of course, Isle of Capri where we collect crabs and eat grouper and skip along the dock with the dogs. There’s our woods where we set out on afternoon scavenger hunts, searching for pinecones and pebbles and lie blankets over dried pine needles for the perfect picnic. There’s Vanderbilt beach where we gather for sunset or Barefoot beach where both my girls’ were dedicated. And then there’s our lake where, on nights like these, we walk and talk and drink in the quiet. My Florida girls will have lots of things to love about where they live…I will be sure of it.

And, I can’t believe it but…it’s been almost half a year since this one graced us with her beauty.

All the Places to Love…all the souls to love them with.